Tell me about rug sweeping

[Anakin]

I am well on my way to healing and what not, went through my dday, and all that, making the right choices there to help my BS. We are working on getting through this.

 

I don't talk about the OM ever, I don't try to process that part. Upon the discovery of my cheating, I dropped him and didn't think twice about it. Too busy trying to save my M my BH and myself.

 

I've seen mixed opinions on this, mostly coming from the WS, saying it's something that you can experience withdraw and lingering feelings blah blah.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's also okay to not feel all that? Or am I suppressing something? I see it in so many WS, that I think I am doing something wrong somehow.

 

Then something triggered in me the other day to put thought there. The age difference between us. He's old enough to be my dad. It's hard to type that out. I never thought that I had daddy issues, still don't think this is the case, but I've been wrong before. And I never thought of him in such a way, that just seems sick to me. Nor was there any sugar daddy funds coming my way. It was an attraction that began online and morphed into a physical thing. Does it all ways have to be daddy issues or a sugar daddy thing?

 

I'm just trying to make sense of this. I went from zero thoughts about him for more than a year, to now, trying to analyze this choice. The above in particular. Trying to heal from all of this the best way possible and maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just don't want to leave any rock unturned. I am going about this all in a very DIY/self help sort of way and I only have so many resources, and I thought real people thoughts and opinions might help.

[Telemachus]

Because you're an adult, I wouldn't worry about any daddy issues. It could just as well be that he was more into you and attracted to your youth than that you were into him and attracted to his graying at the temples - that he was the pursuer. That doesn't necessarily make it a daughter thing for him either. I simply mean that there's nothing wrong with being attracted to anyone who's a consenting adult, other than your own actual parents or children.

 

The fact that you could end it without looking back until now is far less likely to be a sign of trouble than it is to be a sign of sound emotional health.

 

I saw this sign on a church lawn while driving through Ohio: "Forbidden fruit makes many jams." So it does. Best to do as you have done upon deciding to put it in your past - you did just that. Leave it there.

[aliveagain]

I am going through some of this now. I have a woman who is 20 years younger then me wanting to have a full on relationship with me. I won't have that kind of relationship with her because I went through it once before and that relationship was a total disaster. My reason for responding to your post is to tell you that both these women had very poor to no relationship with their fathers and from what I could tell had big daddy issues. My suggestion to you is to spend more time researching potential daddy issues with the help of a good consular. Your husband will have a harder time getting over your infidelity because he can't compete with a daddy issue.

[DKT3]

Today's world is full of excuses, full of I did it but it's not really my fault, not really.

 

Sometimes​ we are just not good people, and do things with little thought on how it will impact impact other. But if we can blame someone/something it makes one feel like less of the horrible person that those actions indicate.

 

To me it sounds like you were just selfish, but didn't get all jacked up about being in love and such. Sometimes it just simply doing crappy stuff without there being some underlying issues

[oldshirt]

99% of A's are about cake eating. selfishness, entitlement and lack of respect and empathy for the BS on the part of the WS.

 

In other words the WS did it because they wanted the extra fun and attention and didn't think they'd get caught.

 

Trying to determine if there were daddy issues or getting some kind of sugar daddy gifts out of it is just another form of self justification and excuses.

[Anakin]

All totally fair points. I am completely on board with my selfishness and how I would justify just about everything to serve the purpose in doing whatever I wanted to do. I get it.

 

I was just dipping my toes in this alternate avenue. I am quite the curious person in all things. And this came up so unexpected. I agree there is not always an underlining issue, but sometimes of course there is. I felt an urge to explore it more.

[harrybrown]

Hope you continue to think about your H's pain.

 

How would you feel if he had an A?

 

Would that bother you? the pain lasts for years.

 

Hope you are remorseful and trying to help him heal.

 

try reading some of the thoughts on Affair-recovery.com.

 

Hope you do respect your H and for him still there with you.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

I've seen mixed opinions on this, mostly coming from the WS, saying it's something that you can experience withdraw and lingering feelings blah blah.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's also okay to not feel all that? Or am I suppressing something? I see it in so many WS, that I think I am doing something wrong somehow.

 

IME, healthier to accept the feelings, whatever they are, get them out there and work them and process them through. That could be in a moment or over a longer period of time. Presuming you cared about the OM (that's not always the case), there is some death involved, even if not physical death; an emotional attachment was ended suddenly, even if, in your case, voluntarily, meaning you made a cognitive choice to end the relationship.

 

Does it all ways have to be daddy issues or a sugar daddy thing?

Nah, just worked out that way. Sure, if a pattern, like if you're married to a much older man too, maybe worth exploring. Else, just two people who hit things off.

 

I'm just trying to make sense of this. I went from zero thoughts about him for more than a year, to now, trying to analyze this choice. The above in particular. Trying to heal from all of this the best way possible and maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just don't want to leave any rock unturned. I am going about this all in a very DIY/self help sort of way and I only have so many resources, and I thought real people thoughts and opinions might help.

 

That it came back into your mind is IMO some unfinished business to resolve within your own psyche. I went through similar for a couple years, even though in my case I ended both relationships, the marriage and OW. However, in the end the tools learned in MC helped process out that cycle and the thoughts and feelings disappeared and haven't reappeared in, heck, over five years now. No triggers at all. Once in a great while I'll get a dream that my exW is in but it's quickly forgotten and no residual feelings. When the dreams come though, and I wake up remembering them, I don't suppress, rather explore and process and move on. It's done and over by the time the coffee is done brewing and life goes on.

 

You'll get there. Focus on the M, get some professional help just for the tools if you feel stuck and look forward to a long life. That's the reward.

[aileD]

Just weighingbin on the age issue--

 

My WS's OW was 20 years younger than him . He was the second (possibly third) MM with a 20 year age gap she was with.

 

She seemed to come from a nice family. Turns out her father cheated on her mom at some point in her teens and left for two years before returning home. She expressed to my WS that she hated here father and was angry at her mom for taking him back.

 

So yeah. Daddy issues .

 

On her part too the "older guy has it all together and $$$" was most likely attractive to someone right out of HS

[darkbloom]

He was 17 years older than me and I don't think I have daddy issues. We were just attracted first intellectually and then physically. I don't always think there's a deeper meaning driving you to do things. Sometimes it's just a connection and then actions.

[deadsoul]

I don't think there's any right or wrong way to feel in these situations. I think you just have to go with it.

 

I don't think it's a bad thing trying to understand your OM choice. I did the same thing... and I know why I chose mine. I believe this will help me move forward. I don't think this is about making excuses, more about understanding the reasoning so we can move forward and be better people. Yeah, we made some bad choices, but I don't see it as a bad thing to analyze them.

 

Good luck and hopefully you'll keep posting. It has helped me a lot.

[DKT3]

Oh it's making excuses. Why one choose an AP is simple attention +attraction + poor boundaries + lack of respect for marriage and spouse = affair. Everything elses is an excuse

[road]

I am well on my way to healing and what not, went through my dday, and all that, making the right choices there to help my BS. We are working on getting through this.

 

I don't talk about the OM ever, I don't try to process that part. Upon the discovery of my cheating, I dropped him and didn't think twice about it. Too busy trying to save my M my BH and myself.

 

I've seen mixed opinions on this, mostly coming from the WS, saying it's something that you can experience withdraw and lingering feelings blah blah.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's also okay to not feel all that? Or am I suppressing something? I see it in so many WS, that I think I am doing something wrong somehow.

 

Then something triggered in me the other day to put thought there. The age difference between us. He's old enough to be my dad. It's hard to type that out. I never thought that I had daddy issues, still don't think this is the case, but I've been wrong before. And I never thought of him in such a way, that just seems sick to me. Nor was there any sugar daddy funds coming my way. It was an attraction that began online and morphed into a physical thing. Does it all ways have to be daddy issues or a sugar daddy thing?

 

I'm just trying to make sense of this. I went from zero thoughts about him for more than a year, to now, trying to analyze this choice. The above in particular. Trying to heal from all of this the best way possible and maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just don't want to leave any rock unturned. I am going about this all in a very DIY/self help sort of way and I only have so many resources, and I thought real people thoughts and opinions might help.

 

 

 

So because you read about many WW's that take along time to get

over their addiction to their OM that you must behave as them.

 

 

There are many WW that right on D day were able to give up their

OM and never miss or pine for their OM.

 

 

A WW can always have thoughts of her OM years after the affair is

over to those that upon D day loathe and hate the OM for the rest

of their lives.

 

 

And there are many WW that fit anywhere in between

these extremes. So your feelings about the OM are normal.

[road]

Also the Choice?

 

 

Does not matter why a WW chooses her OM.

What matters is how she falsely justified her decision to

cheat on her BH.

[Anakin]

understanding ≠ excuses. I am not here trying to come up with any excuse or make any more rationalizations, justifications. I've done enough of that for a life time. From what I understand part of my work as a WS is to grow, change, and become a healthy individual, everything that I was not. Trying to understand if I have daddy issues, would be part of that healing.

 

It's pounded into a WS that they need to uncover their whys, one could easily say it doesn't matter it's all an excuse, with that line of thinking then I could just stop at 'OK I cheated, wont do it again' is it that easy without a little understanding on one's part?

 

Maybe the OM should stay in the past where he belongs. It's not so much about him that concerns me, it's why I chose someone old enough to be my father, I was the purser. ICR to being attracted to him intellectually at the start we corresponded thru email daily for some time before we met IRL.

 

I wouldn't say it's a pattern, in my early twenties I did date one other man who was close to ten years older than me. I guess you could say these options felt safe? And if we are being honest there was an aspect of sexual experience that I liked. This is were my exploration on the daddy issues leave me and it could be that there really is no more to it.

 

I'm not saying that I must behave as other WS, just that it is so damn common, and I have a tendency to suppress thoughts and feelings. Being able to drop the OM so easy like on dday, no looking back, no lingering anything, then for it to hit me like a ton of bricks so far out has me thinking that indeed there may be something to resolve. Not necessarily him as a person, I don't miss him, I never loved him, but that it could be an area of my work that needs to be addressed. I'm speculating, like I said, it could be better to just leave it all there, in the past.

[NTV]

I'm glad you are here and trying to get to the bottom of your why's. I wish my ww had spent more time on trying to fix herself.

 

As far as your why's, my understanding was that it starts with 'why did you cheat?' And then the why behind that answer and so forth.

 

I do think that individual counseling could really benefit you. As well as a journal.

 

There's a lot for you to really consider, but with regards to the age thing... do you think that if you wanted to sleep with a guy 10 years younger than you that you could come up with exactly what you should say to make it happen? How often have you truly "clicked" with someone the same way? Not all affairs occur for the same reason.

 

If you're looking at other things to help repair your relationship with your husband there are other things that could help, such as a timeline, a postnup, giving up anything that makes him wonder if you can be trusted (I.e. girls night out), etc.

[DKT3]

understanding ≠ excuses. I am not here trying to come up with any excuse or make any more rationalizations, justifications. I've done enough of that for a life time. From what I understand part of my work as a WS is to grow, change, and become a healthy individual, everything that I was not. Trying to understand if I have daddy issues, would be part of that healing.

 

It's pounded into a WS that they need to uncover their whys, one could easily say it doesn't matter it's all an excuse, with that line of thinking then I could just stop at 'OK I cheated, wont do it again' is it that easy without a little understanding on one's part?

 

Maybe the OM should stay in the past where he belongs. It's not so much about him that concerns me, it's why I chose someone old enough to be my father, I was the purser. ICR to being attracted to him intellectually at the start we corresponded thru email daily for some time before we met IRL.

 

I wouldn't say it's a pattern, in my early twenties I did date one other man who was close to ten years older than me. I guess you could say these options felt safe? And if we are being honest there was an aspect of sexual experience that I liked. This is were my exploration on the daddy issues leave me and it could be that there really is no more to it.

 

I'm not saying that I must behave as other WS, just that it is so damn common, and I have a tendency to suppress thoughts and feelings. Being able to drop the OM so easy like on dday, no looking back, no lingering anything, then for it to hit me like a ton of bricks so far out has me thinking that indeed there may be something to resolve. Not necessarily him as a person, I don't miss him, I never loved him, but that it could be an area of my work that needs to be addressed. I'm speculating, like I said, it could be better to just leave it all there, in the past.

 

My point is having daddy issues isn't what lead to you having an affair with this guy. Poor boundaries, and a lack of respect for your​ husband and marriage did that.

 

EVERYONE who has ever took a step on this planet has had/has some kind of internal struggle and or issue. But not everyone cheats on thier spouse.

 

Sure understanding​ how issues can make you emotional better, but it's not why you choose this guy to have an affair with.

[Anakin]

I'm not sure where I alluded to saying this it why I cheated. I know why. For the same reasons you mentioned. I guess this curiosity of mine is best suited for therapy not a place like this. Or maybe another forum that gets into the psyche of things if one exists.

 

Just looking to see if others could relate or offer insight. I think emotional health goes a long way to deem me safe for my BH.

 

Thanks all the same for those who took the time to reply.

[MJJean]

I am well on my way to healing and what not, went through my dday, and all that, making the right choices there to help my BS. We are working on getting through this.

 

I don't talk about the OM ever, I don't try to process that part. Upon the discovery of my cheating, I dropped him and didn't think twice about it. Too busy trying to save my M my BH and myself.

 

I've seen mixed opinions on this, mostly coming from the WS, saying it's something that you can experience withdraw and lingering feelings blah blah.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's also okay to not feel all that? Or am I suppressing something? I see it in so many WS, that I think I am doing something wrong somehow.

 

Then something triggered in me the other day to put thought there. The age difference between us. He's old enough to be my dad. It's hard to type that out. I never thought that I had daddy issues, still don't think this is the case, but I've been wrong before. And I never thought of him in such a way, that just seems sick to me. Nor was there any sugar daddy funds coming my way. It was an attraction that began online and morphed into a physical thing. Does it all ways have to be daddy issues or a sugar daddy thing?

 

I'm just trying to make sense of this. I went from zero thoughts about him for more than a year, to now, trying to analyze this choice. The above in particular. Trying to heal from all of this the best way possible and maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just don't want to leave any rock unturned. I am going about this all in a very DIY/self help sort of way and I only have so many resources, and I thought real people thoughts and opinions might help.

 

I am a former WW. I also never missed my OM when the affairs were over and never went through withdrawl, either. There simply weren't any "lingering feelings". Not everyone who has an affair is "in love" or even strongly attached to their AP's and those people generally have a much easier time walking away when/if the affair threatens their "real life".

 

I preferred older men from my teen years on. Older men, due to experience, tend to be better lovers and better conversationalists than their younger counterparts. To put it simply, older men usually know their way around a woman's body and mind. For me, it wasn't about daddy issues. It was all about my physical and intellectual needs being met by someone capable of meeting them.

 

I think your best bet is to start with why. What needs did you have, physical, intellectual, and/or emotional, that were not being met and why you responded to unmet needs by having those needs met outside of the marriage rather than work on it with your H or divorce.

[Jooles]

The human psyche is very complicated, and we can't always rationalize what and why. It's a good sign that you are turning this over in your head, because you don't wish to repeat any behavior patterns. Sometimes, though it is better to realize it is what it is.

 

Do you think you have underlying guilt that you feel the need to atone for? Guilt is unhealthy, and you do yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a disservice if you give guilt any legs. I wouldn't be concerned with not missing or having feelings for the person you had an affair with. That person filled a need or hole in your life THEN- one which is hopefully gone now!!

[Anakin]

MJJean thanks for the insight, honestly what you typed resonates with me. When my BH found out how old the OM was his first response was to hit me with the daddy issues. I understood why and I just couldn't relate to that so much. Not long after, the OM and everything associated with him never crossed my mind again. Until recently. I thought it couldn't hurt to explore this some more and just see whats out there. For my own mental and emotional sake.

 

Like I mentioned before I am well on my way to understanding how I let myself get to the point of an affair. As well as tending to my BHs needs in this aftermath. Pretty much squared away there. I am not new to all of this I've done my fair share of research and reading on all things related to affairs and how to proceed in the marriage, with my BH, as well as with myself.

 

The OM popped into my mind so unexpectedly and extremely intrusive. I thought it might warrant a little more consideration and understanding as to why. I am perfectly OK with letting it go just as quick as it came. I am serious about my healing for I don't wish to find myself here again, and every avenue to me is one worth treading. I'd like to be sure there are no loose ends.

[NTV]

There are always loose ends. Imo. Or do you mean psychological loose ends?

[Anakin]

honestly just all around.

[NTV]

It sounds like you are on a good path. Without more background it's hard to tell.

 

As far as questions, I'm a bh about 3 years out. I can tell you what worked, what didn't in our relationship and answer general questions about this side of things.

[DKT3]

MJJean thanks for the insight, honestly what you typed resonates with me. When my BH found out how old the OM was his first response was to hit me with the daddy issues. I understood why and I just couldn't relate to that so much. Not long after, the OM and everything associated with him never crossed my mind again. Until recently. I thought it couldn't hurt to explore this some more and just see whats out there. For my own mental and emotional sake.

 

Like I mentioned before I am well on my way to understanding how I let myself get to the point of an affair. As well as tending to my BHs needs in this aftermath. Pretty much squared away there. I am not new to all of this I've done my fair share of research and reading on all things related to affairs and how to proceed in the marriage, with my BH, as well as with myself.

 

The OM popped into my mind so unexpectedly and extremely intrusive. I thought it might warrant a little more consideration and understanding as to why. I am perfectly OK with letting it go just as quick as it came. I am serious about my healing for I don't wish to find myself here again, and every avenue to me is one worth treading. I'd like to be sure there are no loose ends.

 

I get this, but I think you may have misunderstood what I'm saying. Sometimes it's just really simple, during this period I was a crappy person, I selfishly did things that hurt people and I didn't grasp the gravity of it all. Now I do, and I won't be that person again. People tend to over think.

 

Daddy issue, if you truly had them would have manifested earlier, since I believe I recall reading you say it wasn't your dating pattern then it's unlikely you have daddy issue. Normally, women with Daddy issue will pick guys that subconsciously remind them, and attempt to repair the father daughter relationship via the guy they are dating. You ( from what you wrote) just didn't seem to do that.