Tell me about rug sweeping

[Red123]

I'm not sure where I alluded to saying this it why I cheated. I know why. For the same reasons you mentioned. I guess this curiosity of mine is best suited for therapy not a place like this. Or maybe another forum that gets into the psyche of things if one exists.

 

Just looking to see if others could relate or offer insight. I think emotional health goes a long way to deem me safe for my BH.

 

Thanks all the same for those who took the time to reply.

 

When I read your post it doesn't sound to me like you are looking for excuses, but rather to understand yourself better. I think it's always good to look within especially when we make decisions that hurt others. Growth can't happen without introspection so I think you are on the right track trying to figure out what might be motivating your choices.

[MJJean]

MJJean thanks for the insight, honestly what you typed resonates with me. When my BH found out how old the OM was his first response was to hit me with the daddy issues. I understood why and I just couldn't relate to that so much. Not long after, the OM and everything associated with him never crossed my mind again. Until recently. I thought it couldn't hurt to explore this some more and just see whats out there. For my own mental and emotional sake.

 

Like I mentioned before I am well on my way to understanding how I let myself get to the point of an affair. As well as tending to my BHs needs in this aftermath. Pretty much squared away there. I am not new to all of this I've done my fair share of research and reading on all things related to affairs and how to proceed in the marriage, with my BH, as well as with myself.

 

The OM popped into my mind so unexpectedly and extremely intrusive. I thought it might warrant a little more consideration and understanding as to why. I am perfectly OK with letting it go just as quick as it came. I am serious about my healing for I don't wish to find myself here again, and every avenue to me is one worth treading. I'd like to be sure there are no loose ends.

 

The problem is that sometimes the why isn't some dark, twisted, complicated thing as many would expect. Sometimes, the why that lead to so much damage is scary simple.

 

For example, one of my AP's was my parents friend. He was handsome, had a great body as he worked a physical job, was confident, charismatic, had a lightening mind and great sense of humor, and we shared more than a few interests in common that weren't so common among our immediate or extended social groups. Our conversations were awesome. The physical chemistry was so intense he could walk into a room and my body would react.

 

He and I developed a friendship in our own right and it predictably evolved into something more. I ended the relationship when he told me he was in love with me and asked me to leave my exH and live with him. I knew I wasn't in love and thought it would be cruel to continue on once he had feelings involved.

 

More than a few people over the years have said they thought I had the affair due to some unresolved childhood issues. Truth is that I was unhappy in my choice of husband (long story there, married him because I got pregnant accidentally), I was going crazy with unmet needs, I spent some time around a man I was very attracted to on multiple levels, and began an affair with him because I wanted to have an affair with him. That simple.

 

As I was never in love with any of my AP's, I didn't think of them often or pine. I'd occasionally wonder whatever happened to <insert name here>, but it was the same as wondering how a former colleague or school friend was doing.

 

My time as a WW ended when I met a man, fell in love, and left the marriage. We've been together 17 years, married 14, with no infidelity. Sometimes, especially near a big change, I will do some soul searching and think a bit about those years. Not out of nostalgia, but in an attempt to better understand myself then and now.

 

If you're experiencing a life change or entering a new phase, you may be thinking about the affair in order to look at it from the POV of who you have become in order to better understand.

[Cephalopod]

The OM played you. He seduced you. He zeroed in on the language that works for you and he used it. And you opened yourself up to it. Not a lot to extrapolate here.

[Southern Sun]

I do think WS (especially WWs) can't win, especially in their "whys". When we try to just "own it" and say, "I was a selfish, crappy person. I just wanted the affair, so I did it. I valued self-gratification more than intimacy and didn't have the decency to tell my husband," we sometimes get feedback like,

 

Well, that's no good. If you don't know WHY you had the affair, how can your BH ever trust you again? If you can't get to the underlying reasons, how can you reconcile?

 

And then when we try to dig deep and come up with our "whys", we get hit with, "No, you were just a selfish, crappy person. Own it."

 

Rock, meet hard place.

 

Anakin, from what I've read, being attracted to an older man doesn't have to mean you have daddy issues. We are attracted to people because of how they make us feel, and we are also attracted to those who are of a similar level of emotional maturity. In affairs, you can probably look especially to the "how he made you feel" component. I think if we are with an older man, there is something unique about how that might make a woman feel - special, admired, valued, even "hot." Perhaps it's a different dynamic than being with a man of about the same age. And then consider to how you are making him feel...you might respect certain qualities about him, and so on.

 

Just some thoughts.

[burnt]

I don't know the answer to your question. But I do want to say that EVERY single human being on this planet has flaws and defects--some big, some small.

 

It's very easy to criticize others, but it takes a lot of strength and character to be able to examine one's own actions, ask the WHYs, and reflect on one's own behavior and mindset.

 

I commend you for having that ability to question your own behavior and for your effort to try to understand yourself.

[road]

understanding ≠ excuses. I am not here trying to come up with any excuse or make any more rationalizations, justifications. I've done enough of that for a life time. From what I understand part of my work as a WS is to grow, change, and become a healthy individual, everything that I was not. Trying to understand if I have daddy issues, would be part of that healing.

 

It's pounded into a WS that they need to uncover their whys, one could easily say it doesn't matter it's all an excuse, with that line of thinking then I could just stop at 'OK I cheated, wont do it again' is it that easy without a little understanding on one's part?

 

Maybe the OM should stay in the past where he belongs. It's not so much about him that concerns me, it's why I chose someone old enough to be my father, I was the purser. ICR to being attracted to him intellectually at the start we corresponded thru email daily for some time before we met IRL.

 

I wouldn't say it's a pattern, in my early twenties I did date one other man who was close to ten years older than me. I guess you could say these options felt safe? And if we are being honest there was an aspect of sexual experience that I liked. This is were my exploration on the daddy issues leave me and it could be that there really is no more to it.

 

I'm not saying that I must behave as other WS, just that it is so damn common, and I have a tendency to suppress thoughts and feelings. Being able to drop the OM so easy like on dday, no looking back, no lingering anything, then for it to hit me like a ton of bricks so far out has me thinking that indeed there may be something to resolve. Not necessarily him as a person, I don't miss him, I never loved him, but that it could be an area of my work that needs to be addressed. I'm speculating, like I said, it could be better to just leave it all there, in the past.

 

 

 

Why she choose to believe it was ok to have an affair is the

only why question worth answering. Any other why is just

a waste of time.

[Anakin]

Why she choose to believe it was ok to have an affair is the

only why question worth answering. Any other why is just

a waste of time.

 

Perhaps but my life doesn't start and end at my affair. I tend to think there is more to me than just that. I like to think I've done enough in that "why" area but I would like to be a sound person all around KWIM?

 

Again maybe this wasn't the best place to pose these questions. Just thought another WS out there might have something to offer, or anyone really.

 

Southern Sun, thank you for your thoughts and I think you are on to something about the "rock and a hard place" it can seem like a lose/lose situation sometimes. Meh, whatcha gonna do.

 

I think between the comments here and what little research I've done on the subject in between, I'm okay moving on from the daddy issues.

 

The OM popped into my mind, nothing I can't put back where he belongs. Something was mentioned about age and it just so happened to be around his age. And it just struck me. My mind went there, then to feelings of WTH he's my dads age. WTH does that say about me? Very much like going down the rabbit hole. Yeah people overthink..

[deadsoul]

Why she choose to believe it was ok to have an affair is the

only why question worth answering. Any other why is just

a waste of time.

 

I disagree. I commend OP for looking deeper into the whys. I do not see her making excuses at all.

 

I'm looking hard at the whys. I will own all the selfish, inconsiderate, not thinking reasons, but I also want to know what in my character made me make these choices. You know why? Because I want to learn and grow from this. I don't want to do this ever again. I have "excuses" from here until next week, but I'm really taking a painful, hard look into my inner self so that I can change.

 

Anakin (cool name, by the way), keep on keeping on. I hope you will continue to post because it helps me to read others' stories and thoughts too.

[understand50]

And....

 

This is what we think you should be doing, trying to find out "why". Finding "why" may be impossible, but good for you for trying. We keep saying, work on yourself, and then hit back when you do. Deadsouls, and Anakin, I keep saying take what you need from LS, and leave what does not work for you.

 

Anakin, you may never really know why you choose a older man. I would say, that he may have made you feel safe and that allowed you do cheat with him. You did not see him as husband materiel, so to you it all just fun. All the thing came together, and it allowed you to become selfish and do this. You may never do this again. If you are truly remorseful, odds are you will not, but understanding how you got to the point where you cheated is helpful. It is part of the whole working on yourself, we talk about, and then do not really support.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Mr. Lucky]

Perhaps but my life doesn't start and end at my affair. I tend to think there is more to me than just that. I like to think I've done enough in that "why" area but I would like to be a sound person all around KWIM?

 

I'm trying to understand the value of this whole line of thinking as you work to recover your marriage? It seems at best a distraction, at worst a dangerous stroll down memory lane.

 

Despite your "got it covered" statement, you seem early on in the process. Better to keep your eye on the prize...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Anakin]

See I think you've got it backwards. I suppose it could seem like I am early in the process, but it is quite the opposite. The whys that led me to cheat, from day one appeared to be obvious. Dude laid it out here..attention +attraction + poor boundaries + lack of respect for marriage and spouse = affair. For over a year I've tidied up these things. I've put a lot in my integrity, courage (even if that means divorcing), values. I've spent many days with introspection, concerning the ways I destroyed my BH and my marriage and how not to go there again. I've stood by my BH and I've answered all his questions, I've helped him through the triggers, the mind movies, the rage, the sorrow all with humility. And I will continue to do so, until the man is healed and then some.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that, what I am leftover with now, is simply me as an individual, who I am outside of my marriage. I would like to get to know her better, understand all things that make me who I am. And if there is something about me that doesn't sit well, something that is broken, or needs a little self love. I'd like to nurture that part.

 

This particular issue I came up against is only one thing, in a long list of what I may be able to attend to.

 

I can do this without leaving my BH behind, while still making him my number one concern.

[Anakin]

Also, I sincerely apologize if this isn't the place for that.

[understand50]

See I think you've got it backwards. I suppose it could seem like I am early in the process, but it is quite the opposite. The whys that led me to cheat, from day one appeared to be obvious. Dude laid it out here..attention +attraction + poor boundaries + lack of respect for marriage and spouse = affair. For over a year I've tidied up these things. I've put a lot in my integrity, courage (even if that means divorcing), values. I've spent many days with introspection, concerning the ways I destroyed my BH and my marriage and how not to go there again. I've stood by my BH and I've answered all his questions, I've helped him through the triggers, the mind movies, the rage, the sorrow all with humility. And I will continue to do so, until the man is healed and then some.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that, what I am leftover with now, is simply me as an individual, who I am outside of my marriage. I would like to get to know her better, understand all things that make me who I am. And if there is something about me that doesn't sit well, something that is broken, or needs a little self love. I'd like to nurture that part.

 

This particular issue I came up against is only one thing, in a long list of what I may be able to attend to.

 

I can do this without leaving my BH behind, while still making him my number one concern.

 

Also, I sincerely apologize if this isn't the place for that.

 

Anakin,

 

Really you are doing the right thing, and asking why, to us and yourself is healthy. Do not apologize. You are doing what most if not all of us say you should, work on yourself, so it does not happen again. Glad you are in Reconciliation, and you seem to be doing your bit in it.

 

Again, you are doing well.

 

I wish you luck....

[deadsoul]

See I think you've got it backwards. I suppose it could seem like I am early in the process, but it is quite the opposite. The whys that led me to cheat, from day one appeared to be obvious. Dude laid it out here..attention +attraction + poor boundaries + lack of respect for marriage and spouse = affair. For over a year I've tidied up these things. I've put a lot in my integrity, courage (even if that means divorcing), values. I've spent many days with introspection, concerning the ways I destroyed my BH and my marriage and how not to go there again. I've stood by my BH and I've answered all his questions, I've helped him through the triggers, the mind movies, the rage, the sorrow all with humility. And I will continue to do so, until the man is healed and then some.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that, what I am leftover with now, is simply me as an individual, who I am outside of my marriage. I would like to get to know her better, understand all things that make me who I am. And if there is something about me that doesn't sit well, something that is broken, or needs a little self love. I'd like to nurture that part.

 

This particular issue I came up against is only one thing, in a long list of what I may be able to attend to.

 

I can do this without leaving my BH behind, while still making him my number one concern.

 

And thank you for doing this. Like I've said before, it helps others. You help me because you sound a little further out than I am. So please disregard anything that isn't helpful for you because you are helping others as you help yourself.

[BluesPower]

See I think you've got it backwards. I suppose it could seem like I am early in the process, but it is quite the opposite. The whys that led me to cheat, from day one appeared to be obvious. Dude laid it out here..attention +attraction + poor boundaries + lack of respect for marriage and spouse = affair. For over a year I've tidied up these things. I've put a lot in my integrity, courage (even if that means divorcing), values. I've spent many days with introspection, concerning the ways I destroyed my BH and my marriage and how not to go there again. I've stood by my BH and I've answered all his questions, I've helped him through the triggers, the mind movies, the rage, the sorrow all with humility. And I will continue to do so, until the man is healed and then some.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that, what I am leftover with now, is simply me as an individual, who I am outside of my marriage. I would like to get to know her better, understand all things that make me who I am. And if there is something about me that doesn't sit well, something that is broken, or needs a little self love. I'd like to nurture that part.

 

This particular issue I came up against is only one thing, in a long list of what I may be able to attend to.

 

I can do this without leaving my BH behind, while still making him my number one concern.

 

I think your question is fine... And it does not hurt to question everything about yourself after an affair.

 

I hope your husband is doing better. I would like to let you know one thing. He will never "be healed and then some". Sorry to be Debbie downer but that is something that you do need to understand.

 

A man NEVER fully heals from his wife's affair. He will get better. He will seem back to his old self, but he will never be the same. He learns to live with it.

 

I know that this is sad, and if you love him it will make you even more sad about what you have done. But it is the truth. I am sure that it is the same for BW as well.

 

This is something that my STBXW never understood, and never will. That is one reason that she is my STBXW...

[wmacbride]

All totally fair points. I am completely on board with my selfishness and how I would justify just about everything to serve the purpose in doing whatever I wanted to do. I get it.

 

I was just dipping my toes in this alternate avenue. I am quite the curious person in all things. And this came up so unexpected. I agree there is not always an underlining issue, but sometimes of course there is. I felt an urge to explore it more.

 

I'll give you a lot credit for trying to figure this all out. I'm hoping that's so you won't do it again.

[dichotomy]

My wife was involved with a older MM. Most certainly Daddy issues (major big daddy issues) - but that said he was very charming good looking womanizer - even if older. If I am blunt - despite being older than all her other partners - he was among the better looking.

 

So this helped with my "Why's". Why's were a five year game for me as the BH.

 

I do think its important for you and I commend you for your efforts in understanding yourself. Therapy is the best place.

 

But also sometimes we just do stupid bad selfish stuff. One of my therapists shared a story -"Three men where in the desert, thirsty, burning up. Suddenly they see a cactus in the distance. Once of the men runs towards the Cactus and leaps on it - screaming in pain. The two men run up to him and pull him off. They ask "why did you do that !" The man replies "I am not sure - its seemed like a good idea at the time"

 

The point being sometimes we dont know completely why - but we accept we got a weakness to make bad choices - and that maybe enough to know. Stay away from Cactus.

[Cephalopod]

See I think you've got it backwards. I suppose it could seem like I am early in the process, but it is quite the opposite. The whys that led me to cheat, from day one appeared to be obvious. Dude laid it out here..attention +attraction + poor boundaries + lack of respect for marriage and spouse = affair. For over a year I've tidied up these things. I've put a lot in my integrity, courage (even if that means divorcing), values. I've spent many days with introspection, concerning the ways I destroyed my BH and my marriage and how not to go there again. I've stood by my BH and I've answered all his questions, I've helped him through the triggers, the mind movies, the rage, the sorrow all with humility. And I will continue to do so, until the man is healed and then some.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that, what I am leftover with now, is simply me as an individual, who I am outside of my marriage. I would like to get to know her better, understand all things that make me who I am. And if there is something about me that doesn't sit well, something that is broken, or needs a little self love. I'd like to nurture that part.

 

This particular issue I came up against is only one thing, in a long list of what I may be able to attend to.

 

I can do this without leaving my BH behind, while still making him my number one concern.

 

So he gets to wait around while you get your act together? Is that fair to him?

[road]

My wife was involved with a older MM. Most certainly Daddy issues (major big daddy issues) - but that said he was very charming good looking womanizer - even if older. If I am blunt - despite being older than all her other partners - he was among the better looking.

 

So this helped with my "Why's". Why's were a five year game for me as the BH.

 

I do think its important for you and I commend you for your efforts in understanding yourself. Therapy is the best place.

 

But also sometimes we just do stupid bad selfish stuff. One of my therapists shared a story -"Three men where in the desert, thirsty, burning up. Suddenly they see a cactus in the distance. Once of the men runs towards the Cactus and leaps on it - screaming in pain. The two men run up to him and pull him off. They ask "why did you do that !" The man replies "I am not sure - its seemed like a good idea at the time"

 

The point being sometimes we dont know completely why - but we accept we got a weakness to make bad choices - and that maybe enough to know. Stay away from Cactus.

 

Nothing to do with his age. His looks and game were strong enough

to make her ignore his age because she was turned on so she

wanted him.

 

 

This is why is not important 99.99 percent of the time. Unless it

points to a trend. Such as the OM is always thirty year older then the

WW.

 

 

Or the OM is always another race such as always black, Asian,

Hispanic.

 

 

But why did the WW have an affair is still pointless. For it is just

a reflection of her value system. She placed putting her wants

ahead of everything else. She found the OM hot and wanted to do

them.

[Cephalopod]

Nothing to do with his age. His looks and game were strong enough

to make her ignore his age because she was turned on so she

wanted him.

 

 

This is why is not important 99.99 percent of the time. Unless it

points to a trend. Such as the OM is always thirty year older then the

WW.

 

 

Or the OM is always another race such as always black, Asian,

Hispanic.

 

 

But why did the WW have an affair is still pointless. For it is just

a reflection of her value system. She placed putting her wants

ahead of everything else. She found the OM hot and wanted to do

them.

 

 

Exactly. She liked this man, she was attracted to him, he played her, she was willing, there was mutual attraction and lust and she dove into an affair with him. His age had nothing to do with it.

 

Never underestimate the simple and overwhelming power of lust. That is all there was here. Her lust for this man was stronger than her desire to stay true to her marriage and husband.

 

There is way too much over-analysis going on here.

 

OP you need to accept that you are the kind of person who will do this kind of thing if given the opportunity. Take yourself off the pedestal and understand that you have a dark side like all of us do, and that sometimes if you let your guard down and that dark-side can take over. Just be honest with yourself. You did this. And you can do it again very easily if you don't start working on strong boundaries and coping skills.

[dichotomy]

Nothing to do with his age. His looks and game were strong enough

to make her ignore his age because she was turned on so she

wanted him.

 

 

 

 

Not sure if your talking generically or in my story. Generically ya - for sure

 

But in my wife's case age and daddy issue were 65% of it. She was most certainly looking for comfort from a father figure. The looks and game were also a big part of it - but even then kind of daddy related. Perfect storm with this older MM. In fact the married part also played a role in all that.

 

OP mentioned she had a thing in the past with an older man - I also know that past impressions from relationships can make a mark. My first major love had certain characteristics (body, look, attiide) that I believe shaped what I am attracted to.

 

I applaud OP for trying to get to the bottom of her weakness - what and why she cheated. I hope she figures it out. However perhaps like an alcoholic trying to focus on her drink of choice - its more broadly based then that.

Edited March 26, 2017 by dichotomy

[Anakin]

I find all the input very helpful, so I thank everyone who has stopped by. Even the input that is not so helpful or even useful. I do try to apply it all to see if there is any truth that I can accept.

[Anakin]

This is apparently my BHs MO. And quite frankly I am jealous of those who are working through the infidelity that has hit their M. I am left to do this on my own. I am NOT OK with the way he has chosen to go about this. The thing about it is, I don't know how rug sweeping is going to impact us down the road.

 

I readily gave him all the info he need and more. This went on for the first 4 months or so, and then it was all about putting it behind him. Moving on and forgetting about it. I know he hasn't but, he does pretend to. Life as I know it has resumed to normal. Except I don't feel normal. This whole thing has rocked my world and continues to do so.

 

I want to be the best person I know how to be. I want to learn from all of this. And he is okay with just getting on with life. I know I can't really control how he heals but I can certainly be concerned about it since he is willing to continue on with our M, I just don't think we will better off with his way to deal. If that makes sense?

 

If he prefers to ignore my affair, is it okay to talk about it and bring up some things up? I'm not really sure what I would bring up.. Maybe some insights as to why, things I could do to prevent a repeat.. I really don't know what he wants to hear and what he doesn't due to his seemingly moving on. What if he doesn't want to say anything at all?? To be fair I've tried to talk more on the subject, but he truly doesn't want to go there.

 

I'm at a great loss these day on how to move forward. And how to handle the rug sweeping. I know he would rather forget it all, but I am stuck on doing this properly. And it leaves no room for how he would like to handle it.

 

I can't go about life this way anymore. I have some serious things to work through. And I suppose with or without him.. But where does that leave us and our M? you know? I can no longer deal the way he would like.

[Anakin]

Meant to start a new topic. But why not keep it all together

[harrybrown]

have you read some of the posts on affair-recovery.com?

 

There is not one way to handle this. I do hope that you and your H find some happiness.

 

I can see why you would be concerned, because if your H does not get invested in the marriage, he could up and leave in a few years. You may have read about some of those situations.

 

Maybe see if you can do one of their online classes.

 

But at least if you are trying to figure yourself out, that will be good for you now and in the future. So keep your IC and reading to help you with boundaries, etc.

 

Does not hurt to read some that you have read before, like not just friends.

 

Hope you reach your goal to help him heal.