how to proceed if ex wants to be friends

[virtualgrl]

the goal: I want to get him back , not yet because he broke up with me b.c. of bad depression, nothing to do with us as a couple, we had a very healthy and loving relationship of 1 yr + a few months. he even said he would ideally want to get back if he got better but obviously could not promise as no one can promise the future.

 

we are on same college campus. he said he wants to be friends and at first i unfollowed him on facebook and he said it felt like i was 'moving on without him' he said (boiled down) "dont push me away like that" and "we can live separate lives and still be friends"

he's very nice and sweet but is going through so much right now so i'm trying to give him the space he needs while also hoping he doesn't move on.

 

essentially: is NC better for him to feel my loss or should we talk every so often? (we did fwb for a while, too messy and took a step back). if i do NC i fear he'll take it as a sign to really try to move on vs. if i talk to him once in a while he'll be happy i'm still around.

 

ideally i want to do what's best so that we can have space and then if he gets better and we're both not moved on, get back. idk. any advice or pearls of wisdom greatly appreciated!

[Blanco]

You can't be his true friend if you still want him back. And it's unfair of him to expect your friendship when you want more. He's then getting what he needs at the expense of what you need.

 

Don't be his friend.

[Altair0770]

You can't be his true friend if you still want him back. And it's unfair of him to expect your friendship when you want more. He's then getting what he needs at the expense of what you need.

 

Don't be his friend.

 

+1

 

If you want him back, let him know you need some time to yourself and to contact you if he wants to reconcile. Unfortunately as long as you want more, you can't be his friend, and like never will be able to as long as feelings are involved.

 

Saying "we can still be friends" is a sub-concious way of letting someone down easy, or in this case (and mine) it's "I want everything about you but I also want free reign to start a new relationship with someone else".

 

I know you want to help him. Depression SUCKS. Mental illnesses in general are terrible. I want to help my ex, and that adds to the pain of being broken up. But as long as someone breaks up with you, your focus should be on YOU. If YOU want him back then you can never accept to being a friend.

[SpecialJ]

Agreed. It's not fair to you to try to actually be friends right now, and it also won't get him back (I've stayed legitimately close friends with a few exes, with honest intentions even if I missed them at first as partners, and it has led to great friendships but never once to reconciliation). You should focus on yourself because you're young and in college, and you don't know how long it's going to take him to get through his issues (what if it takes years?).

 

That being said, I'm sorry this happened, and I know you care. I agree with the above that you should let him know you care about him and his well-being but need your own space for now. However, I don't think you need to go 100% strict no contact either. Keep him unfriended and maintain whatever boundaries you need to feel okay, but using no contact "for him to feel my loss" is kind of manipulative and generally isn't going to work unless the person was taking you for granted and/or is really immature. You can't control how someone responds to your actions, especially if that person is struggling, so don't bother to try thinking about it that way. It's not the right way to respect someone you care about who has depression, and NC should really only be used if you need it to focus on yourself anyway.

 

This may be a less popular opinion here, but if you run into him or he reaches out after you asked for space, doing low contact with no expectations seems to me like the best course of action. As long as you're comfortable, be polite and responsive but keep it short and don't initiate until you've had enough time. You can be cordial and still honor your own needs, even if you aren't ready to be friends yet. Then you're neither being a doormat nor totally pushing him away (just enough to have space). If he does get better and feels he can give you what you deserve again, and the love is still there, being on good/open terms makes it more likely he'll feel comfortable coming back if it's meant to be.

 

And lastly, whatever you do, no more FWB. Hooking up with the guy can make your chances of reconciling even lower than the "staying friends" approach!

 

-J

Edited March 29, 2017 by SpecialJ

[1fish2fish]

Of course he'll be happy that you'll be around. He wants to put you on the backburner to keep his options open. Knowing that you're there only feeds his ego. If you agree to stay "friends", I can almost guarantee you will never get back together.

 

IF there is ANY chance of you both getting back together, he needs to miss you first.

 

NC is the only way. But it's not a game to get him back - it's for you to heal and move on. Either he will come back to you or he won't. Either way, you'll be prepared.

[virtualgrl]

so... we ended up still talking every day and hooking up, all while being able to "see" other people, he got exceedingly jealous (even tho breakup was HIS idea) and this was a depressing merry-go-round as we both still cared so much and felt impossible for us to break away. until last thursday.. we got into a fight that ended it all. he checked my phone and saw a guy i had texted right before he came over that i didnt tell him about. (even though i was allowed to..) he blew up, UNfriended and unfollowed me. we've been NC for 6/7 days now and it feels insane. i know this was the only way we could be seperate for real, but i'm also scared at this idea of NC forever.... maybe one day he'll want to be friends, but for now, NC. it's super hard, and sad it had to end with a fight. if anyone has any thoughts, i'd love to hear.

Edited April 13, 2017 by virtualgrl