Age old story- why?

[jenkins95]

Duplicate post

Edited March 29, 2017 by jenkins95

[Southern Sun]

I think the vast majority of people enter marriage with absolutely NO concept of the idea of true commitment, with the WRONG definition of true love, and with the most ridiculous of expectations of their partner.

 

One can blame the institution of marriage if they want, but that can't be it. As others have said, no one is forced to marry in this day and age. If you believe you can't be faithful or are a serial monogamist and marriage can't possibly last, why not just co-habitate? I suppose people still feel that they should have "rights." And hey, maybe they do. But both participants should be on the same page going in. I've read about those "renewable" marriage contracts.

 

But for those who fully intended their marriage to go the distance, and find instead that it is dull, lifeless, crumbling...I believe it is a combination of the factors I named above. TRUE commitment means that a person enters the marriage with no escape hatches. I know that things happen. If someone becomes abusive, I can't say that the victim should not extricate herself. But in general, the spouses should grasp that they have each other, and only each other. And thus, that person should be so highly valued that they are never taken for granted. A married person should not start thinking they might have a better option available to them - they are COMMITTED. They made a choice already. And someone CHOSE them. They chose each other, forsaking all others. Wow, what an amazing thing! If we actually grasped the gravity of that commitment, wouldn't we treat it with the reverence it deserved? What if the rules of society were that we could NOT have another, once we committed (outside of death or other extenuating circumstances)? I bet we would treat our spouses very differently.

 

We also think that the feeling of infatuation or limerence is actually "true love" when in reality, true love doesn't even begin until infatuation wears off. I don't think we are prepared for this truth. While most married couples don't necessarily ditch at the point that this fades, if someone else comes along that brings out this feeling in them, they suddenly believe that, by comparison, they can't possibly truly love their spouse. I think that people should be educated from an early age not to expect this feeling to continue forever, but to transform their love into something more mature, deep, longer-lasting, and active. REAL love often happens when we don't much feel like it and when we are resisting some of our animal instincts for the sake of the union. If you don't really believe in marriage or commitment, then you won't agree with any of the above. But if you DO, then you will see that it can be a path to something worthwhile.

 

Finally, about expectations? I don't think it's unreasonable to go into marriage thinking your spouse is going to stay looking well-kept, etc. But we do have our moments. Perhaps through truly loving relationships we would be in a better position to help each other. And we really should remove the log from our own eye before pointing out the splinter in someone else's.

 

Again...this is for those that believe in marriage. I think we've slacked as parents because we don't prepare out kids, slacked as a country, and forgotten how to commit and love.

[2.50 a gallon]

It seems to be common knowledge that second marriages fail more often than first marriages. Personally I don't see it.

And forget the marriages fail about 50 per cent of the time, in my state it is much closer to 75% or more. And I suspect other states are seeing the same.

One thing That I have not seen mentioned it middle life crisis.

My guess is that a fairly large number of divorces have at their roots an MLC. Either sex, hits their 30's or 40's and realizes that their lives are about half over and decide to spice up their remaining years

[preraph]

Because you are not the same person he dated. He dated a carefree young woman and now you are no longer that. You are a mother figure. Plus you are getting older and men are often very shallow about looks and just want to keep trading for a younger body as long as they can. I'm not saying it's fair. It's why people shouldn't especially marry young (not saying you did because I don't know). But people need to understand where it all leads and be okay with that.

 

And when people mature, they do keep changing and sometimes it's not together.

 

Is he more like another child than a father? If so, realize you can't let that happen or now he's a child married to a parent figure. This is why it's important to make men do nearly half of the kid chores and not just the ball throwing and breadwinning so they have to mature too!

Edited March 29, 2017 by preraph

[Southern Sun]

Because you are not the same person he dated. He dated a carefree young woman and now you are no longer that. You are a mother figure. Plus you are getting older and men are often very shallow about looks and just want to keep trading for a younger body as long as they can. I'm not saying it's fair. It's why people shouldn't especially marry young (not saying you did because I don't know). But people need to understand where it all leads and be okay with that.

 

And when people mature, they do keep changing and sometimes it's not together.

 

Is he more like another child than a father? If so, realize you can't let that happen or now he's a child married to a parent figure. This is why it's important to make men do nearly half of the kid chores and not just the ball throwing and breadwinning so they have to mature too!

 

This just made me cringe. Somehow I think they aged at the same rate. He is not the same person she dated either. He is neither the "carefree" young man, but has had the same number of birthdays and became a parent alongside her. By the same argument, she could trade him in for a younger or a different model.

 

People have GIGS. It truly depends on what they determine is more valuable to them, and how they want to live their lives. The irony is that if they are always chasing the next best thing, they will never actually HAVE it.

[somanymistakes]

Older generations also had divorces, cheating, etc. There's very little new under the sun when it comes to human nature, though we may put different names to it all.

 

Yes, divorce rates go up when divorces are easier to obtain. Is that necessarily a bad thing? It used to be, people were forced to stay married even in abusive situations... or would run away from their spouses and hide for the rest of their lives but still be technically married. Back in the 1700s a man could take his wife's money and children and throw her out of the house to live openly with a mistress, and there was nothing she could do about it - in fact, if he caught her getting a job somewhere to try and support herself, he could take THAT money too, AND get her fired.

 

Before the mid 1930s there used to be whole ridiculous side-businesses in hiring people for fake adultery in order to get grounds for a divorce (I found this by accident on wikipedia a few weeks ago and remembered it because it was interesting) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Deadlock

[Sweetfish]

Because you are not the same person he dated. He dated a carefree young woman and now you are no longer that. You are a mother figure. Plus you are getting older and men are often very shallow about looks and just want to keep trading for a younger body as long as they can. I'm not saying it's fair. It's why people shouldn't especially marry young (not saying you did because I don't know). But people need to understand where it all leads and be okay with that.

 

And when people mature, they do keep changing and sometimes it's not together.

 

Is he more like another child than a father? If so, realize you can't let that happen or now he's a child married to a parent figure. This is why it's important to make men do nearly half of the kid chores and not just the ball throwing and breadwinning so they have to mature too!

 

 

 

This statement is absurd and is possibly coming from being jaded from being burned your self. Men do not have an impulse to trade-up...If anything I've seen younger women (AKA GIGS) with this need. Society has deeply ingrained young women that being a women alone, they are entitled to a prince as depicted in "cough"...every Disney movie and Rom/com pretty much ever made. Using feeling as their priority and compass they will trade-up more often than men....seeking that prince.

 

AlieD I read your original and first post for the first time and what I've said in the prior post and the many post before is EXACTLY what I've always preach and met with resistance here on LS.

 

The first thing that jumped to me was feeling of rejection, disconnect and loneliness?

 

Men/women who do not get their needs meet will acquire it eventually somewhere else.... I know at least 25 men right now that cheat and I've talked to about more than half of them..... Its never about shallowness... they turn from a happy provider to a work horse who doesn't produce enough. The wives get compliance... wanting a new house, new car, or travel often beyond the work horses capacity and that will drive him to disconnect emotionally as he went from King to Slave.

 

(in others case )How many times is a man going to come home to a house with no wife there? No sex? I'm tired? bills? mortgage? Kids? for years....that's infidelity in the making. Often women who gain weight will refuse to have sex even more...driving the wedge deeper.

 

All it takes is some other women to make him feel wanted...that he will stray and I believe this is what truly happened.

[aileD]

<snip> Its never about shallowness... they turn from a happy provider to a work horse who doesn't produce enough. The wives get compliance... wanting a new house, new car, or travel often beyond the work horses capacity and that will drive him to disconnect emotionally as he went from King to Slave.

 

(in others case )How many times is a man going to come home to a house with no wife there? No sex? I'm tired? bills? mortgage? Kids? for years....that's infidelity in the making. Often women who gain weight will refuse to have sex even more...driving the wedge deeper.

 

All it takes is some other women to make him feel wanted...that he will stray and I believe this is what truly happened.

 

I know for sure this was not me and I doubt it is not a lot of woman either. I know that WE both agreed to have me stay at home with the kids and that On too of doing that I also took on all the household stuff AND nannied for years bringing in just as much as he did. We live in the same house we had when we got married although it's too small for our family and we both have the same cars since 2002 (first kid born 2000).

 

We have never flown anywhere besides our honeymoon and only take one week long camping (ie cheap) vacation per year. I did not write this post about my husband but his problem is that I didn't pay enough attention to him when I was managing four kids for 12 hours a day and the mess that comes along with it. His problem is that I worked the night shift so we wouldn't have to pay for child care or miss our kids sports and he didn't get the intimacy he needed (I agree on that one), although there are plenty of opposite shift couples who make it work. His problem is that I didn't pay attention to HIS needs.

 

He takes offense I gained weight and feels that if I loved him I would just lose the weight (it's something I personally struggle with that has nothing to do with my love for him). Yet he has gained weight, he's chubby now and I don't care. Comes out in therapy the other day that 2 months into dating he asked me to not be so friendly with my best friend who I had known for years before him. That he felt friend had a crush on me and would try to flirt and touch me excessively. That he kept asking me and I kept not respecting his wish to cut off my friendship to the point of him spying thru my windows for hours while the friend was over and seeing absolutely nothing inappropriate . I did cut off my close friendship then.

 

At 17 years old Two months into my relationship with H. And years later when h had an affair and friend was mean to H I dumped friend totally for not respecting my decision to reconcile. But still he harbors a feeling of not being able to trust me. And I'm fricken 42 years old now.

 

But whatever that was a side rant LOL.

 

I didn't write this post about H, and I'm only taking it from a woman's view cuz I'm a woman. It goes both ways .

 

I just don't feel like most of the time that people get divorced, that the reasons are really anything that can't be worked through and figured out if the ability to cut and run wasn't so easy. Of course abuse is a different story.

 

I think people are just selfish. Whether it's the woman wanting the big house or the man wanting a young hot wife and not a mom figure. That comment was brash but really. I think that's the truth a lot of times.

Edited March 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and add paragraphs

[Timshel]

disconnect emotionally as he went from King to Slave.

 

(in others case )How many times is a man going to come home to a house with no wife there? No sex? I'm tired? bills? mortgage? Kids? for years....that's infidelity in the making. Often women who gain weight will refuse to have sex even more...driving the wedge deeper.

 

All it takes is some other women to make him feel wanted...that he will stray and I believe this is what truly happened.

 

You are projecting. Sweetfish, you are too one sided in your perception. Women work. They always have, taxable or not. Why are the bills, housework, kids, mortgage, etc.. an unacceptable reason for women in your world to not have come hither thighs every day?

 

Why is this 'infidelity in the making?'

 

There are women who 'let themselves go' in marriage. This is in direct correlation to their partner's level of letting themselves go. People become comfortable with each other, this is not quantum physics. Don't tell me that men stay trim and fit while women turn to fluff, first: irrelevant to the covenant of marriage....second: typically in reverse.

 

AlieD, I do believe that respect is the most important/relevant variable in marriage. There are couples that not a single person would think will sustain, yet does. Others that seem idyllic but meet the end.

 

In every scenario of unhappiness and/or divorce the common denominator that I am personally aware of was always a disdain and lack of respect for their partner. Every time. Many excuses will be thrown up but all were bottom line no respect.

[BluesPower]

First Aile, I hope that this is a general question for our thoughts or edification and you and hubby are still doing well.

 

I think there are a host of reasons. Initially, I was the super husband, super dad, super keep the family together type of guy. But my outlook has changed.

 

For some M's there is mental illness, addictions, cheating, bad sex, laziness and just a tone of other issues.

 

Some partners let themselves go, some get more involved with careers, some take the other for granted, and on and on.

 

For me, my wife had so many problems that I could not figure out and I could not fix. I tried because I was super husband, so I should be able to fix anything.

 

But as I began to realize that she never appreciated me, the money I made, the sacrifices and pressure that I endured for her to stay home and to make sure everyone had what they needed, I finally started to realize that I did not have to live like this.

 

I will never understand why people take each other for granted the way that they do. My wife did, and she is gone, and for a host of reasons.

 

I know tons of woman and men that take each other for granted, let themselves go, stop having sex and I will never understand it, ever.

 

Maybe it is boredom, or that people change, I don't really understand it myself.

 

I know that it happens. I can say that on the other side of marriage, I just will not give myself to one woman ever again. And some of them get pissed off and some of them understand. And I am def on the non-monogamous side of the plate now. Lots of women want to get remarried at our age and I guess go back to the same crap we all left behind.

 

I don't understand that either. Why not just hang loose and enjoy one another and others. Why do some people want a person all to their selves?

 

I know a lot of people feel that way. But later in life, why? Your not going to have any more kids, your established, and on and on. So why?

[Sweetfish]

You are projecting. Sweetfish, you are too one sided in your perception. Women work. They always have, taxable or not. Why are the bills, housework, kids, mortgage, etc.. an unacceptable reason for women in your world to not have come hither thighs every day?

 

Why is this 'infidelity in the making?'

 

There are women who 'let themselves go' in marriage. This is in direct correlation to their partner's level of letting themselves go. People become comfortable with each other, this is not quantum physics. Don't tell me that men stay trim and fit while women turn to fluff, first: irrelevant to the covenant of marriage....second: typically in reverse.

 

AlieD, I do believe that respect is the most important/relevant variable in marriage. There are couples that not a single person would think will sustain, yet does. Others that seem idyllic but meet the end.

 

In every scenario of unhappiness and/or divorce the common denominator that I am personally aware of was always a disdain and lack of respect for their partner. Every time. Many excuses will be thrown up but all were bottom line no respect.

 

 

no projecting

[spiderowl]

Quite honestly, I think people just grow fed up of each other even if they love each other. If there are major conflicts that are not resolved, then other areas of the relationship deteriorate. While a couple who manage to resolve their conflicts and reaffirm their love for each other might survive (if they both maintain something of a physical relationship too), the chances of a relationship lasting with unresolved conflict is much lower.

 

I know couples who still adore each other after many years (practically a lifetime together) but they are fairly rare. Many couples seem to be muddling along together and perhaps staying together through familiarity and shared comforts rather than magic and romance. Others suffer from infidelity but stay together despite it. It might be my age group but I know people who are on their second or third marriage or quasi-marriage; they take their relationship seriously and only moved on because their previous relationships broke down after a long time together. People don't tend to stay with each other for life these days. There are many variations on marriage and those who remain happy and in love are extremely lucky.

Edited March 29, 2017 by spiderowl

[preraph]

This statement is absurd and is possibly coming from being jaded from being burned your self. Men do not have an impulse to trade-up...If anything I've seen younger women (AKA GIGS) with this need. Society has deeply ingrained young women that being a women alone, they are entitled to a prince as depicted in "cough"...every Disney movie and Rom/com pretty much ever made. Using feeling as their priority and compass they will trade-up more often than men....seeking that prince.

 

AlieD I read your original and first post for the first time and what I've said in the prior post and the many post before is EXACTLY what I've always preach and met with resistance here on LS.

 

The first thing that jumped to me was feeling of rejection, disconnect and loneliness?

 

Men/women who do not get their needs meet will acquire it eventually somewhere else.... I know at least 25 men right now that cheat and I've talked to about more than half of them..... Its never about shallowness... they turn from a happy provider to a work horse who doesn't produce enough. The wives get compliance... wanting a new house, new car, or travel often beyond the work horses capacity and that will drive him to disconnect emotionally as he went from King to Slave.

 

(in others case )How many times is a man going to come home to a house with no wife there? No sex? I'm tired? bills? mortgage? Kids? for years....that's infidelity in the making. Often women who gain weight will refuse to have sex even more...driving the wedge deeper.

 

All it takes is some other women to make him feel wanted...that he will stray and I believe this is what truly happened.

 

Nope, never been in that position. Going by what I've seen over my 64 years. Women usually fall out of love because their man is having to be picked up after like a third child and they become more of their mother and lose that sexy feeling for them because you don't have sex with your children.

 

Men often can't handle not getting all the attention and seek more or variety sex, especially after kids come.

[Sweetfish]

I know for sure this was not me and I doubt it is not a lot of woman either. I know that WE both agreed to have me stay at home with the kids and that On too of doing that I also took on all the household stuff AND nannied for years bringing in just as much as he did. We live in the same house we had when we got married although it's too small for our family and we both have the same cars since 2002 (first kid born 2000).

 

Those examples were not driven directly towards you and only what I have heard from various men from many points and places all over the world in my travels and place of work. These words were in no means to project a vision of what you are or how I portray you as an individual. However... have you dated many women? Do you know this to be true or untrue?

 

 

We have never flown anywhere besides our honeymoon and only take one week long camping (ie cheap) vacation per year. I did not write this post about my husband but his problem is that I didn't pay enough attention to him when I was managing four kids for 12 hours a day and the mess that comes along with it. His problem is that I worked the night shift so we wouldn't have to pay for child care or miss our kids sports and he didn't get the intimacy he needed (I agree on that one), although there are plenty of opposite shift couples who make it work. His problem is that I didn't pay attention to HIS needs.

 

This ultimately drove him or in case many men to cheat and that is the point I am conveying. This is reality and a reality that is without a doubt true for both genders I might add. While under the fog many men are pointed out for looking for younger or trading-up and ultimately he simply wanted you and he wasn't getting you.

 

Now if you feel comfortable with comments that men are shallow and just looking for tail every waking moment and that will give closure .. by all means you can accept that fallacy. However, I think many women can become complacent and not even have a clue and figure a marriage certificate and kids is all the required to keep a man (men get this way too... so that's on you guys)

 

12 hours 4 kids...no way you have time for your self, your kids, or him. You spread your self so thin trying to satisfy the family. I only hope he is working equally as hard as you.

 

He takes offense I gained weight and feels that if I loved him I would just lose the weight (it's something I personally struggle with that has nothing to do with my love for him). Yet he has gained weight, he's chubby now and I don't care.

 

It doesn't matter... as you don't care, another female may not care. That is the complacency talking and its very very possible he has become complacent of you.

 

I just don't feel like most of the time that people get divorced, that the reasons are really anything that can't be worked through and figured out if the ability to cut and run wasn't so easy. Of course abuse is a different story.

 

I 100% agree with you completely... but how long did you work this shift and how many years did you not provide needs. It almost sounds like he checked out.

 

From a guys perspective this is what men do... "Im giving you the other side..." gain weight, cut sex, cut needs.. This is a recipe for infidelity..most guys will not seek divorce or separation.

[Sweetfish]

Nope, never been in that position. Going by what I've seen over my 64 years. Women usually fall out of love because their man is having to be picked up after like a third child and they become more of their mother and lose that sexy feeling for them because you don't have sex with your children.

 

This I can agree with....I just question the Woman's judgement to get with this man... that's one hell of a show to hide this third grade mentality for YEARS and maybe she should have selected a better man from the beginning. With the influx of women from other countries who are fine with traditional views and not familiar with 3rd and 4th wave feminism who are younger and will play that role of a traditional house wife... More men who would prefer this type of relationship will have options as they grow older (looks do not matter) and all those women who lose those sexy feelings towards their husband will have to just find men who do not seek this relationship..

 

As of right now in the 35-65 bracket I think that's a tall order....

[aileD]

Nope, never been in that position. Going by what I've seen over my 64 years. Women usually fall out of love because their man is having to be picked up after like a third child and they become more of their mother and lose that sexy feeling for them because you don't have sex with your children.

 

Men often can't handle not getting all the attention and seek more or variety sex, especially after kids come.

 

Bingo

 

Ten characters

[Southwardbound]

Just from reading here and other places online, I hear the same story Over and over and over again.

 

I'm going to take it from the male side because that's the majority I see, but can go either way.

 

You marry a girl, have a few kids,life happens then:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you".

 

Sometimes an affair happens or sometimes it's divorce.

 

Do you just get bored with us? Does us becoming mothers turn you off sexually? Do the years of raising children and weariness and less attention on you make you fall out of love? Is the relationship not fun anymore when we have to share bills and "adult"??

 

Why all of a sudden (or gradually) do we "have nothing in common" Or "no connection" etc

 

Why do you spend years of your lives with us..decades even then just decide to move on? Just decide you don't want to spend forever with us? Decide you connect better with some chick from accounting instead?

 

Why is it so difficult to have longevity in marriage?

 

Because longevity means work. Relationships take work on behalf of both partnerships, otherwise they lapse from being 1) passionate to being dull, 2) from talking about everything to saying nothing. Dullness turns into a chore. Chores can sometimes turn into disrespect, and finally into contempt for the other partner. That is why individuals in marriages divorce and it's why individuals have affairs.

[preraph]

This I can agree with....I just question the Woman's judgement to get with this man... that's one hell of a show to hide this third grade mentality for YEARS and maybe she should have selected a better man from the beginning. With the influx of women from other countries who are fine with traditional views and not familiar with 3rd and 4th wave feminism who are younger and will play that role of a traditional house wife... More men who would prefer this type of relationship will have options as they grow older (looks do not matter) and all those women who lose those sexy feelings towards their husband will have to just find men who do not seek this relationship..

 

As of right now in the 35-65 bracket I think that's a tall order....

 

Yes, I question their judgment too. Well, one friend, they were both young and slobby when they married. Then 10 years passed and she was looking at him as a future father, but he was still a slob and a stoner. Still good sex between them. He was also unambitious, didn't care that he made so little money and wouldn't contribute to auto insurance, things like that.

 

And now she's married someone else who I can't fathom her attraction to. I love her. She's golden in my eyes but she has abandonment issues and it shows in her choice of men.

[Sweetfish]

Bingo

 

Ten characters

 

 

Interesting "High five"

 

It clearly shows the hypocrisy to the MAX here.

 

On one spectrum its ok to fall out of love with a man over "picking up" after him because you feel like a "Mother" yet on the flip side it is said here that men leave or fall out of love or cheat because your taking on the role as a "Mother" ???? Yet you don't think its fair that the guy will suddenly fall out of love when you gain weight, let your self go, cut sex, and don't give him his needs.

[Chilli]

Just for the record for whatever that's worth haha.

l really enjoyed being married for a long time and l'll always be sad that it didn't work out for us and especially my daughter.

 

Over all l'd actually prefer being married than single life. It wasn't all the mundane and there's always mundane in most lifestyles one way or another anyway.

The best friend part of marriage is a huge and beautiful thing too, sharing your life, your day, sh@t.

lt can be a really nice and for filling way to live for sure.

 

There's no doubt too that if l knew then what l know now, a lot of the things that were sh@tting me being married , could've been turned around into good times again.

[wmacbride]

Just from reading here and other places online, I hear the same story Over and over and over again.

 

I'm going to take it from the male side because that's the majority I see, but can go either way.

 

You marry a girl, have a few kids,life happens then:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you".

 

Sometimes an affair happens or sometimes it's divorce.

 

Do you just get bored with us? Does us becoming mothers turn you off sexually? Do the years of raising children and weariness and less attention on you make you fall out of love? Is the relationship not fun anymore when we have to share bills and "adult"??

 

Why all of a sudden (or gradually) do we "have nothing in common" Or "no connection" etc

 

Why do you spend years of your lives with us..decades even then just decide to move on? Just decide you don't want to spend forever with us? Decide you connect better with some chick from accounting instead?

 

Why is it so difficult to have longevity in marriage?

 

Honestly, I think a lot of it is society.

We are constantly bombarded with messages though mass media that we deserve to put ourselves first, that instant gratification is the goal, and that loyalty, kindness, etc. are somehow less important than fleeting things like appearance.

 

We are told that over time, a marriage becoming stale is almost inevitable.

 

Too many also believe the myth that if you are not head over heels in limernace, you don't really love the person. We can fail to see our spouses as also being our friend...who would hurt their friend the way cheating can?

 

Also, quite frankly, we, a a society, have become quite lazy, and are willing to excuse some forms of causing pain to others.

 

 

it's quite sad. My mom and dad were married just short of 50 years, ad right up until the end, and even today, he still loves her. Their marriage had the usual ups and downs, but for them, divorce was an absolute last resort, not to be turned to unless everything else had failed.

[wmacbride]

Wait? Are you saying more men use the line "I love you but I'm not in love with you"? More often than women?

 

 

I will tell you what causes many men to sway...

 

Reduction of sex and/or letting your self go.

 

I could be way off, as I am not a man, but that sounds really shallow. Isn't that kind of selling men short?

[wmacbride]

Sweetfish,

 

 

 

This is time for a serious conversation with her. It is also grounds for divorce. It is not a reason to cheat.

 

I get a bit fed-up with these threads that develop into a monogamy-bashing exercise.

 

Here's a newsflash - monogamy is not compulsory for anyone.

 

If people don't want monogamy there are plenty of other lifestyles that can be entered into, open relationships etc.

 

And even if people enter into a monogamous relationship with the best will in the world, the time may come when they can't stick to that any more, they aren't happy for whatever reason. etc

 

Then they need to speak up and then either fix it or get out.

 

IMO honesty is the word here.

 

People can't help what they feel (or don't feel) but they have control about what comes out of their mouths.

 

The reason they don't speak up is because IMO they just want to cake-eat

 

agreed!

not every affair is about cake eating, but a lot are.

 

I don't know if monogamy is a natural state for humans, and quite frankly, the same men who like to say that it's not so they can cover their ass are often the same ones who would hit the roof if their wife was seeing anther man. Double standard or what.

 

Some are happy being with one person, others, not so much, and I'm sorry, but if someone doesn't know ho they feel about this by the time they are ready to get married, they shouldn't get married , as they are not ready.

[wmacbride]

I totally agree he should talk to her.... however he knows if a divorce happens... child support and he wants to keep the family together as well and have the perks of a wife. So the easiest resolve for most men that I personally seen is cheat. If your not giving him sex... he will find others ways.

 

But I think your wrong with eatting your cake...

 

Letting your self go means you feel comfortable in the relationship and do not want to maintain the relationship anymore... if the husband quit providing or stop working are you saying that love will keep you together..?

 

It woudl depend.

If he lost his job through no fault of his own, ad couldn't find another one, or if he was sick, etc., of course I woudl keep loving him.

 

I've been through some really crappy times with my husband, but I still love him just the same.

[wmacbride]

This statement is absurd and is possibly coming from being jaded from being burned your self. Men do not have an impulse to trade-up...If anything I've seen younger women (AKA GIGS) with this need. Society has deeply ingrained young women that being a women alone, they are entitled to a prince as depicted in "cough"...every Disney movie and Rom/com pretty much ever made. Using feeling as their priority and compass they will trade-up more often than men....seeking that prince.

 

AlieD I read your original and first post for the first time and what I've said in the prior post and the many post before is EXACTLY what I've always preach and met with resistance here on LS.

 

The first thing that jumped to me was feeling of rejection, disconnect and loneliness?

 

Men/women who do not get their needs meet will acquire it eventually somewhere else.... I know at least 25 men right now that cheat and I've talked to about more than half of them..... Its never about shallowness... they turn from a happy provider to a work horse who doesn't produce enough. The wives get compliance... wanting a new house, new car, or travel often beyond the work horses capacity and that will drive him to disconnect emotionally as he went from King to Slave.

 

(in others case )How many times is a man going to come home to a house with no wife there? No sex? I'm tired? bills? mortgage? Kids? for years....that's infidelity in the making. Often women who gain weight will refuse to have sex even more...driving the wedge deeper.

 

All it takes is some other women to make him feel wanted...that he will stray and I believe this is what truly happened.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with this excuse.

 

If I take what you are saying correctly ( and maybe I am not, and if I am wrong, please accept my apology for misunderstanding what you meant).

 

This goes back to the concept of somehow men's work is harder and more valuable than a woman.

 

So the man's a slave because he works, but if the wife is working too, or if she is looking after a houseful of kids all day plus all of the housework, isn't she working as hard for him?

 

A for men coming home to an empty house? If it's empty because his wife is out with her friends or hobby, I can understand his sense of dissatisfaction, but if his wife is not home because she's working so they can have the income needed to buy what they couple or family wants/needs, it's a different kettle of fish.