Does she want me back?

[lostsoul16]

I'll try to keep it short;

 

4 year girlfriend broke up with me 5 months ago, due to me foolishly not proposing to fit her timeline. I had led her to believe a proposal was imminent several times, and due to my depression and grieving I did not follow through. My reasonings were solely down to depression, and I wanted to feel happy in reality at such a monumental time of my life, and not fake happy. My gf was very understanding of the root causes of my depression (father died suddenly and quite young, sister committed suicide, custody battles with an ex, and lots more). It was very difficult for my ex too as she lost her mother prematurely, and her brother in law. We were grieving and I know know every one grieves very differently. I wanted to be alone in dark rooms, she wanted to be very social and be very distracted.

 

Fast forward 5 months, and I've now completed 11 months of weekly counselling and actually feel positive emotions again. Went from incredibly antisocial to never being home much. I lost weight and back down to my normal siz, eat very clean and just feel myself again. After the initial begging and pleading with my ex, I went no contact, deleted her from all social media, then started dating. Every fling fizzled out quickly, and my ex dated too, again going nowhere.

 

We bumped into each other recently, she was flirty and kept saying how great I looked whilst playing with her hair. We ended up messaging innocent funny stuff back and forward and calling each other again. She invited me to a family social night, i declined as I had plans. A few weeks later we bumped into each other again, she seen I had a message from another girl, and seemed to get jealous. She then asked me to spend the day with her, we went shopping and she tried on a lot of clothes, wanted my opinion on everything. Then we went to a few bars, had so much fun and acted just like a couple again, minus any real affection. A few others we got talking to kept referring to me as her bf, she never corrected them, and she told me I'm the only person outside of her family she can truly be comfortable with. She asked about who I'm dating, I said it's all fizzled.

 

I think it's best to maybe continue as we are and see where we go. My love for her has not decreased at all in 5 months, and I'd love to settle down and plan our future. I've barriers up and am scared of just being friendzoned. Am I reading all the signs right, and does this look more like a reconciliation?

[Simple Logic]

Heck if I know, ask her.

[lolablue17]

Yes, she wants you back.

[youdontknowme555]

Yes, she does.

 

The fact that you are questioning it with all those obvious signs is the thing you should be examining.

[lostsoul16]

Thanks for the replies. I'm still not so sure. Part of me feels she's just trying to sabotage things with another girl. After she had seen the message from her, all of a sudden she starts tagging me in meme's on Facebook. I thought nothing of it, but now feel it was to warn this other girl off. Do girls do this kinda thing, for sabotaging purposes rather than trying to get me back?

[trustyourself]

Thanks for the replies. I'm still not so sure. Part of me feels she's just trying to sabotage things with another girl. After she had seen the message from her, all of a sudden she starts tagging me in meme's on Facebook. I thought nothing of it, but now feel it was to warn this other girl off. Do girls do this kinda thing, for sabotaging purposes rather than trying to get me back?

 

My thought on it, is that she does not want to lose you, and seeing the text from another girl triggered the realization. I would proceed cautiously, but it looks promising.

 

I had this happen with my previous ex. We had not seen each other for several months, and she then asked to hang out. We were hanging out, with my phone on the table, and this other girl I had been talking to happened to text and she saw it pop up on my screen. This led to her being jealous, and actually admitting that she wanted me back.

 

If there is another girl, but you want to re-unite with the ex, then you need to be very careful. I was not sure what I wanted, and continued to text the other girl, while I figured it out. This led to trust issues when I did re-unite with the ex.

 

Good luck man. I wish my current ex would come back into my life like that. Its only been 3 months, so who knows, maybe I will be as lucky as you.

[lostsoul16]

My thought on it, is that she does not want to lose you, and seeing the text from another girl triggered the realization. I would proceed cautiously, but it looks promising.

 

I had this happen with my previous ex. We had not seen each other for several months, and she then asked to hang out. We were hanging out, with my phone on the table, and this other girl I had been talking to happened to text and she saw it pop up on my screen. This led to her being jealous, and actually admitting that she wanted me back.

 

If there is another girl, but you want to re-unite with the ex, then you need to be very careful. I was not sure what I wanted, and continued to text the other girl, while I figured it out. This led to trust issues when I did re-unite with the ex.

 

Good luck man. I wish my current ex would come back into my life like that. Its only been 3 months, so who knows, maybe I will be as lucky as you.

 

Still time to get her back dude. Hopefully you'll see some signs soon! I hope you're all right. 6 months on and life feels empty without her. I guess another possibility is I'm being friendzoned, and she wants to have the benefit of my guidance and friendship, then I'm tossed off when she meets someone more serious. She had said in the past that her being friends with me would have to be accepted by any future partner. She is, after all, the queen of friendzoning. She gets a lot of attention and has such a kind nature, guys pick up on it wrong. I did myself when we first met, and it took a year of being her friend, then seeing me with another girl made her jealous and told her I was something more.

 

Maybe this is a repeat of how we first got together too. It's so hard to know. Since our day out she's been away with work, I've sent her a few funny things, nothing serious and called her once but she was busy, said she'd call back, but didn't. It's all very mixed right now.

 

How should I proceed now?

[dumbass2]

Just do not become easily available to her. If you want to proceed you need to get yourself into a romantic situation with her and stuff like shopping ain't gonna do it. It's good that you are aware of things because I think you've mentioned a couple of potential red flags with the friend zone stuff and her becoming more aggressive once seeing the text from the other girl. Try to have other options to do things with so you don't find yourself too available, but also try too get to that romantic date as soon as you can so you can get a better feel for her and figure out if you're wasting your time.

[lostsoul16]

Just do not become easily available to her. If you want to proceed you need to get yourself into a romantic situation with her and stuff like shopping ain't gonna do it. It's good that you are aware of things because I think you've mentioned a couple of potential red flags with the friend zone stuff and her becoming more aggressive once seeing the text from the other girl. Try to have other options to do things with so you don't find yourself too available, but also try too get to that romantic date as soon as you can so you can get a better feel for her and figure out if you're wasting your time.

 

How do you think I should flip it more from a casual meeting to a romantic one? Today is my birthday too, and it's been a miserable one. She hasn't wished me happy birthday at all. Beyond the surface, I think it's bringing the past memory of her birthday. I organised a trip for us, and on the day she refused to go. I reacted badly and broke up with her in the heat of the moment, and didn't mean it. I did manage to talk her round again, but didn't even buy her a gift. All part of my deep depression days, and a hurtful reminder for her. I later found out she refused due to be another year older, and still no ring from me.

[lostsoul16]

We spent the weekend together. Went out drinking all day. During the day she was hugging me and telling me I "feel like home," and she feels so protected with me and safe. We bumped into a lot of her friends, and many cornered her questioning whether we are back together. I walked her home, and in my drunken state I started pleading with her, being so needy and completely killing the momentum we've been building again.

 

The next morning we spoke, and she said she wants us to be together, but she feels she can't be physical with me. She suggested seeing a relationship counsellor to see if grieving is causing this block. We then spent the day together again, having lunch with her dad then babysitting for her sister. Later that day I sat beside on the couch and she layed back into me and had my arms around her.

 

That evening she called in hysterics and tears saying she still feels the same, and now doesn't want to see a counsellor. She said my complete lack of affection while together hurt her so much, and she has needs for cuddling and lots of affection. I tried to explain during our years together, I was in severe depression and rejected all affection as a result. After all my counselling and feeling normal again, my affection is back and the girl I briefly dated, I was so affectionate and cuddly and loved it all, even though I had no feelings for her. She has said after 4 years of me being so cold, she has nothing to go on, but my word. She cried again and screamed she just wants to feel normal again, and she's so stressed and can't handle all this pressure, and she wishes she could just switch it back on, and my pleading with her and pressuring her is the wrong way of going about this. She said for now she's happy to be friends, and if I can't handle it, she will have to just deal with losing me.

 

She ended the call saying she'll talk to me tomorrow, and said she loves and cares for me so much.

 

I totally messed up through not controlling my emotions while drunk. Any ideas on how to proceed now?

[dumbass2]

If she's not willing to go to counseling with you then sounds like she will need time and space to get over those feelings. She can't just take your word because those feelings she accumulated over the years are all she can think about. You cannot just be friends. Don't even try it. You will kill any chance how ever slim of ever getting back romantically with her. You need to stand firm on this and don't even try it. If she doesn't want to try then you should let her go. You should not try to persuade her any more it will just make things worse. You can't nor should you even try to talk someone into a relationship with you.

[jamili]

Dont do the friend thing!!! I feel like you are at high risk of being friendzoned right now.

 

I would tell her you want more than friends, tell her all you can offer her is your word about the affection issue, and then walk away. If she wants to give it a shot, she has to take that leap of faith and make the move. If not, you are still walking away, and you arent looking back. Its the strong position, and the act alone is confident, bold, and sexy... it might even spark some more attraction. Hanging around as her friend waiting for her to "come around" is just going to slowly kill her attraction for you, gradually... if you want her back, i advise against being "friends" right now.

[lostsoul16]

If she's not willing to go to counseling with you then sounds like she will need time and space to get over those feelings. She can't just take your word because those feelings she accumulated over the years are all she can think about. You cannot just be friends. Don't even try it. You will kill any chance how ever slim of ever getting back romantically with her. You need to stand firm on this and don't even try it. If she doesn't want to try then you should let her go. You should not try to persuade her any more it will just make things worse. You can't nor should you even try to talk someone into a relationship with you.

 

I absolutely agree, and it was a moment of alchohol fuelled weakness. Today we've spoken quite a lot, texts and calls. She will want to continue seeing me and spending time together. Would it be wrong to spend more time together and hopefully make it romantic and affectionate? Actually giving her something to go on? I mean everything very recently and all the signs are telling me the love is definitely there, just buried under a lot of fixable issues. I do fear clutching at straws and being too optimistic but it's like we talk as a couple, nothing's changed. It's comforting. She suggested the counselling initially herself, possibly can still happen when I'm not generating any pressure.

[lostsoul16]

Maybe more optimism over breadcrumbs but AGAIN today she tells how great I looked in the photos friends took over the weekend. She pays me so many compliments every day.

[jamili]

Maybe more optimism over breadcrumbs but AGAIN today she tells how great I looked in the photos friends took over the weekend. She pays me so many compliments every day.

 

Seems promising... but, still, the true test is when you walk away, and go complete NC. Compliments, chit-chats, and friendly jokes isnt what you want, is it? You want a relationship with her. So, you need to show her that you will not accept less. As much as you care for her, you need to be true to your feelings.

 

What exactly did you say to her that was so "needy"?

[lostsoul16]

Seems promising... but, still, the true test is when you walk away, and go complete NC. Compliments, chit-chats, and friendly jokes isnt what you want, is it? You want a relationship with her. So, you need to show her that you will not accept less. As much as you care for her, you need to be true to your feelings.

 

What exactly did you say to her that was so "needy"?

 

 

Just the whole thing is crazy, we are so meant to be etc and totally undoing the momentum. Really foolish of me. I understand the psychology and mental chess and it's the worst thing that could've happened. Kicking myself!

 

We had 6 months NC already, and this is just us talking again. 6 months of her in my mind daily, undone so quick.

[jamili]

Just the whole thing is crazy, we are so meant to be etc and totally undoing the momentum. Really foolish of me. I understand the psychology and mental chess and it's the worst thing that could've happened. Kicking myself!

 

We had 6 months NC already, and this is just us talking again. 6 months of her in my mind daily, undone so quick.

 

Relax man. First off, I think you are reading too much into what you said, and you are paranoid. Think about this... 6 months NC... you have shown, clearly, that you aren't needy. Not many people can do this - pat yourself on the back. She reached out to you, and wanted to see you. I highly doubt that one discussion that led to you being potentially needy would destroy all chances.

 

What are you going to do, with this mental chess game.. get back together, and then for the rest of your life walk on eggshells to prevent scaring her off like a baby deer if you show that you love her one time? Sharing your feelings with your significant other, showing emotion and letting them know you care about them, is healthy behavior.

 

You haven't seen each other in 6 months.. of course you are going to miss her. Why hide what you are? If she thinks it's weird or pathetic or needy that you showed a little sensitivity while you were drunk, then I hate to break it to you, this isn't meant to be.

 

If she legit wanted to get back with you, she would legit get back with you. Revealing some neediness while you were intoxicated is not going to destroy that for her. If her interest in you is that weak to begin with, then this was a lost hope from the beginning. And, I doubt what you said was as bad as you are making it out to be. Did you get down on your knees and start sobbing? I think you are over-analyzing what you said, and ignoring the potential fact that she changed her mind on her own accord, of that maybe she wasn't interested in reconciliation in the first place, and was looking for closure/friendship/ego-boost/etc. With this paranoid mindset, I don't think you are capable of reconciliation anyways at this point. You need more time.

 

I don't think what you said made one lick of a difference.

[lostsoul16]

Relax man. First off, I think you are reading too much into what you said, and you are paranoid. Think about this... 6 months NC... you have shown, clearly, that you aren't needy. Not many people can do this - pat yourself on the back. She reached out to you, and wanted to see you. I highly doubt that one discussion that led to you being potentially needy would destroy all chances.

 

What are you going to do, with this mental chess game.. get back together, and then for the rest of your life walk on eggshells to prevent scaring her off like a baby deer if you show that you love her one time? Sharing your feelings with your significant other, showing emotion and letting them know you care about them, is healthy behavior.

 

You haven't seen each other in 6 months.. of course you are going to miss her. Why hide what you are? If she thinks it's weird or pathetic or needy that you showed a little sensitivity while you were drunk, then I hate to break it to you, this isn't meant to be.

 

If she legit wanted to get back with you, she would legit get back with you. Revealing some neediness while you were intoxicated is not going to destroy that for her. If her interest in you is that weak to begin with, then this was a lost hope from the beginning. And, I doubt what you said was as bad as you are making it out to be. Did you get down on your knees and start sobbing? I think you are over-analyzing what you said, and ignoring the potential fact that she changed her mind on her own accord, of that maybe she wasn't interested in reconciliation in the first place, and was looking for closure/friendship/ego-boost/etc. With this paranoid mindset, I don't think you are capable of reconciliation anyways at this point. You need more time.

 

I don't think what you said made one lick of a difference.

 

Yeah man, I think you're right. The next morning we talked a lot, and she invitied me out again. I know her more than she knows herself, and I can see how troubled she is. It makes it so much more complicated as she is very much still grieving the loss of her mother, and added stress of her dad having to sell the family home, as they cancelled her mums life insurance before she got ill. It's been such a stressful time, and she cries about it to me.

 

I really feel she needs me to hold her and all her broken pieces together, and she has fear as I never showed much affection before. I truly believe if we keep it up as we are, and I can gradually show her im now in a fit mental state to be there and protect her, with a lot of affection, and now knowing what I want for the future, we can fully reconcile. She carries a lot of pain I never made the marriage commitment. Always gonna be a big regret not snapping her up with a ring, when I had so many chances. I don't think this will happen over night, but how she even laid back on me for a cuddle the day after I lost my cool and pleaded is a good sign in my eyes. Naturally it tells me she needs a lot of love and affection. She's fighting against it right now, I feel, as she "doesn't have much to go on" apart from our own past.

 

So, if I hold back, let her always be the first to contact me, and invite me out, then let momentum take us to affection and trust in me again, it's the way forward to full reconciliation?? The changes I have made have been positively received and she keeps mentioning them. Losing weight, going vegan, and being in a good financial position.

 

She's very keen to get us both plastered all over social media too, which many people would assume we are back together. It's like she's taking some comfort in that too, but then when people question she feels some pressure. This one is just so complicated with grief and stress clouding up obvious judgement.

[loveiswar101]

Just be yourself !!!!! Understand yourself worth. It was you working on yourself and moving on that has attracted her again, you are a different person now. lostsoul16 2.0

 

NOW don't let her change your path. If she want to be with you she will make the effort. Believe in yourself, you have attracted her again, but you will attract many more too.

 

DON'T let her coming back let you fall into your old self, old ways. Just that you did 6 months NC is such a powerful achievement (I would beg to just do 1 month). That alone says how far you have come.

 

Just stay on that path my friend. Good luck brah!

Edited April 4, 2017 by loveiswar101

[Bufo]

Friendzoned? That's the land where beta orbiters dwell. Times together filled with shopping, doing favors for her, and constantly hoping that romance will bloom. And getting lots if crumbs from her that make you believe there is a chance of romance.

 

I lived there years ago. I didn't know any better. We were friends but nothing more.

 

Zillions of electrons have been expended on the Net discussing beta orbiting so I won't add to that total. But the lesson for you is move forward or say goodbye

Virtually everything you've posted says to us (and to her in real life) that you are willing to be her beta orbiter. Her words and actions are aimed at sealing that deal you don't want to find yourself accepting.

 

Stop and think where you are going with this.

[lostsoul16]

It's been a little while, so I'll update;

 

Went back to NC once again. She's messaged a few times but I've just blanked it. I'm not really open to communication unless I hear "let's talk" or something to do with reconciling. She did say before she wants to go camping together, and I guess it's upto me to plan it. I'm not in a massive rush. I did happen to see her out a few weeks ago, and once she saw me, she dived on me, cried so much she could barely breathe and said how much she's missed me. Tbh, I've never seen someone so excited to see me. I did leave without saying goodbye, and woke to 3 missed calls from her, the 4th I answered. I joked about her dancing around like a dork, which she took massive offence to. I wasn't aiming to annoy her, just was being jokey.

 

To me, it still seems she has a lot of anger that hasn't subsided yet, and is fighting the inevitable. She's still very raw and very much grieving, and is full of emotions. Not sure if I'm being optimistic, but I'm not putting my life on hold at all. She's still the one, and I really hope she comes to her senses, but she has to realise on her own, without me prompting.

 

There's surely nothing "beta" about my approach. Could not play it any cooler tbh.

[Altair0770]

It's been a little while, so I'll update;

 

Went back to NC once again. She's messaged a few times but I've just blanked it. I'm not really open to communication unless I hear "let's talk" or something to do with reconciling. She did say before she wants to go camping together, and I guess it's upto me to plan it. I'm not in a massive rush. I did happen to see her out a few weeks ago, and once she saw me, she dived on me, cried so much she could barely breathe and said how much she's missed me. Tbh, I've never seen someone so excited to see me. I did leave without saying goodbye, and woke to 3 missed calls from her, the 4th I answered. I joked about her dancing around like a dork, which she took massive offence to. I wasn't aiming to annoy her, just was being jokey.

 

To me, it still seems she has a lot of anger that hasn't subsided yet, and is fighting the inevitable. She's still very raw and very much grieving, and is full of emotions. Not sure if I'm being optimistic, but I'm not putting my life on hold at all. She's still the one, and I really hope she comes to her senses, but she has to realise on her own, without me prompting.

 

There's surely nothing "beta" about my approach. Could not play it any cooler tbh.

 

That's good to hear. I'd say keep up the NC and let her come to you with those talks. As long as you continue to play it cool if you do cross paths, and as long as you don't pursue at all she may come to her senses, but it's really up to her. Right now she seems confused. I'd also not do the camping trip unless you guys do reconcile. As much as you love this woman, the best bet for you is to assume she is nothing to you if she's not with you. Most people make the mistake of becoming a doormat, even when their ex reaches out with breadcrumbs, thinking it'll lead to reconciliation. Being a doormat doesn't exactly mean being walked on, but it means more being what their ex wants without the proper commitment yet.