Hating the dumper to get better?

[p87]

Hey guys,

So i broke up around November with my Ex girlfriend, but it dragged on until about December. We go to school together and are lab partners last semester. It was a sudden breakup, and I didn't see it coming, she broke it off with me on the week we were about to go see my parents. We were together for six weeks, and it was both our first relationships so moved pretty fast. We had challenges, and one of them is that most of her friends are guys who like her. One of them she treated like a little brother, one kissed her in a party and only contacts her when he needs notes so he can ditch class, and the other ask for nudes and constantly teases her even when I am with her on snapchat. She has a hard time knowing the differences between true friends and acquaintances, and she tried to please everyone, even if she wasn't happy. I tried to tell her to stand up for herself, but she said that those guys aren't important and I shouldn't worry.

 

I am scared because she has a hard time saying no to people, and it actually happened once when she went to dinner solo with her little brother friend who has a crush on her at a fancy restaurant near my school. He also texts her all the time, which bothers me. She tried to show me her phone to tell me not to worry, but I told her i don't have to but I am still scared. I don't want to be manipulative but I don't want to get hurt. I understand that I'm being insecure, but I don't feel safe. I told her about it, but she didn't really change, and defend herself and the guys she is talking to. I want to grow with her and become better with her, and I actually wanted the best for both of us. For me, I introduce her to every girl friend I have and any friend of mine to expand her friend zone, but she didn't really socialize with them and she didn't introduce me to her circle. I don't really know anyone from her side except her sister, and her dad never knew we dated.

 

I love her, and I am constantly putting in effort for our relationship, but something does not feel right, I don't feel reciprocated, and she also constantly stood me up for her club activities at school, calling me an hour later to apologize. I was frustrated, and in the end, I gave her the silent treatment a lot, which I regretted, since it wasn't the best way to communicate. We thought everything were fine, although we had arguments, we ensure ourselves everything was fine, and every time she cries in our arguments, I always make sure to make it up to her and apologize, even when sometimes we were both wrong.

 

When she broke it off with me, she said she cannot commit to anyone right now, including me, so I told her that I will wait for her to get ready. Initially she said no, but she gave up after my constant begging. We stayed as friends with benefits for about two weeks, hoping to work towards another relationship. She told me we can still make out, physical stuff, and other things that couples do, but she can't promise me that she won't go out with other guys, and she will not be in a relationship with me. She also told me that she actually believe in dating a lot of guys before settling down. She told me guys are like ice cream flavors, you have to try them to know what you want.

 

I was terrified by her comment, and I felt hurt since all i want is to be with her and care for her. I know that we had issues but I am willing to stick it out with her. But apparently she doesn't, she said she doesn't want things to get too complicated. Eventually, One day, when we are getting physical, she told me afterwards that she actually felt that we are not doing the right thing by staying like this. We had an argument in public the following day, I was mad and accidentally cussed at her loudly in public, I apologize afterwards, but again, I was heartbroken and had another argument with her on the phone. She refused to talk to me during winter break, and I sent her a christmas package hoping to make her come back and forgive me, but she didn't say a thing.

 

Last time I spoke to her was on the phone after break, she claimed that we were just incompatible and it's the best for us to not stay as friends. She also told my friend that she is helping move on. She knew that I am not doing well now in life, but she still refuses to talk to me. I love her, and I want the best for us, but I am heartbroken, and I have a hard time moving on. My heart skips when I see her in school, and tried to avoid her. One time I saw her with her little brother friend that really bothered me during our relationship, I was devastated. I understand that I am reacting really emotionally, but I still feel for her, and it kills to see her with someone else. I am scared and helpless, and I am also unmotivated in life, what should I do? She is the first person that actually cared about me and made me felt safe. I grew up mostly without my parents around, and she gave me a sense of family. I cherish her, and i really hope that I didn't screw up to lose someone like her. I don't even know if i can find someone as good as her anymore.

Edited March 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if I may be very blunt:

 

She wasn't that amazing if she was going out on dates with other guys while she was in a relationship with you. She shouldn't have been accepting invitations for dinner from a guy she knows likes her, she shouldn't have been keeping in contact with guys who asked her for nudes. She wasn't behaving like a decent girlfriend and showing you basic respect. You'll need to knock her off that pedestal first and foremost.

 

Next, you two dated a very short time. I realize she gave you attention and it felt good, but I feel you became far too attached far too quickly. She is not the kind of person you should be trying to get close to anyway, but it's also not anyone else's role to help you feel complete. It's cliche, but it's true. Only you can do that, for and by yourself. A partner should be a lovely addition to a whole and complete you.

 

Lastly, you need to let her go. She has been exceedingly clear she doesn't want a relationship and you need to respect that. You don't have to worry about losing her, because she's already gone, my friend. Begging and auguring and sending her gifts don't work when she simply doesn't want the same things you do. I'm sorry you are having a hard time with it. It's not easy. But you can't rely on her to help you through a difficult time in your life - that's why you need some reliable friends and family.

 

And again I remind you, she wasn't a very great person to you. You can and will do much better.

Edited February 11, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[DarrenB]

Sounds cliche but acknowledge this:

 

She is not the only person who is going to love, care for and 'cherish' you. You have to look at the positive side of things, because there is one even if you firmly believe there isn't.

 

By what you've stated, it's more than evident that you both clearly weren't compatible for each other... but I suppose you're oblivious to that. I've refrained from including anything in relation to the short duration you were together, as I realise and have come to understand that a lot of people get easily attached to their partners, especially if you felt so emotionally and romantically attached to them. I wouldn't necessarily say you reacted towards the whole predicament irrationally, as it seems this is the first time you've had to encounter this type of situation... but for next time you know how to react, resolve and forget (hopefully).

 

Use this as a learning phase. Let it be your stepping stone; trial and error if you will. Step out of that in-denial and grieving phase immediately, staying within it and making no attempt to better yourself and your present/future will do you no favors but hurt you even more. You do not want that, believe me when I say that.

 

Let it be embedded in your mind that you'll make no progress continuing to reminisce about her. It may take some time, it took myself some time, but you will get there eventually.

 

Take each day slowly and build a foundation to work of. This will not be your last relationship, nor will it be your last breakup (sorry, but you cannot avoid the inevitable forever). Life has a lot to offer, and you have a lot to offer life. Good luck.

Edited February 11, 2017 by DarrenB

[p87]

Thanks for the reply ExpatInItalky,

What should I do if she is annoyed by me right now? I made the of calling and texting her after a period of no contact, and I really regret it. She is currently blocking me, and I felt bad of losing her, even as a friend.

[p87]

DarrenB thanks. It is hard to look at the positives now since I am still in love with her, but I will try. I am scared that I actually screwed up after the breakup by begging and annoying her, and i don't know what to do. Any advice? She's blocking me, and it pains me to see that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your only option is to leave her alone.

 

Attempting any further contact is only going to make it worse. You can't make her want to be your friend. Right now, she doesn't want this.

 

For you own well-bring, you need to accept this so you can move on.

[p87]

To ExpatInItaly,

My ex also claims that she was hanging out with her friends when we were dating, they were strictly platonic, but it's weird that even she knows that they like her right? I don't know if i reacted to the situation wrongly, any advice so I don't mess up next time? I know I'm the jealous type but I tried not to be. And also, what do you mean that she wasn't the person I should try to get close with? Thanks.

Edited February 11, 2017 by pat0201

[ExpatInItaly]

To ExpatInItaly,

My ex also claims that she was hanging out with her friends when we were dating, they were strictly platonic, but it's weird that even she knows that they like her right? I don't know if i reacted to the situation wrongly, any advice so I don't mess up next time? I know I'm the jealous type but I tried not to be.

 

You didn't react wrongly, OP.

 

She behaved inappropriately. A good girlfriend would not be accepting dinner invites and continuing to chat with men who ask to see her naked.

 

Your biggest mistake was not seeing the above as an enormous red flag and leaving sooner.

[p87]

Thank you ExpatInItaly,

Why do you think my Ex wasn't the person I shouldn't get close with anyways?

[DarrenB]

DarrenB thanks. It is hard to look at the positives now since I am still in love with her, but I will try. I am scared that I actually screwed up after the breakup by begging and annoying her, and i don't know what to do. Any advice? She's blocking me, and it pains me to see that.

 

'Screwing up' and making mistakes is the process of life and development. It's okay to make errors, even if it's within a relationship and the aftermath.

 

The best advice I can offer you and this is from my own personal experience, is that realize and understand that you do deserve better. What she's done and has done has obviously demoralized and hurt you, and that's something you should not tolerate. Someone who cannot offer you any mercy or sympathy in your hurtful stages that you're enduring, they are not worthy of your time or care.

 

Don't dwell and feel pitiful, it's not the end.

 

You make your own happiness, because you are your own happiness.

[Sparta]

OP The only thing you can do not even give her the time of day act like she doesn't exist that's the best advice anyone can give you and it's the only advise anyone can give you blew it, but that's OK because that's what you do at your age... never ever beg a girl for anything. You come off Very unattractive in her eyes your so pathetic and needy. The only and best way to deal with this is to ignore them that's it. Do not under any circumstance talk to her, call her text her, you go NC (no contact) if you run into her and you have to say hi cause she's right there that's it you never go out of your way to say hi. Make sure be smiling and act like you're having a good time. And that your life is going great even if it isn't, you fake it till you make it.

[p87]

DarrenB thanks! Your words are truly motivating for me. I've been feeling guilty for bothering her after our breakup, but the truth is, I'm just seeking for a second chance from her or closure and forgiveness. I didn't get any to be honest, and it messed both of our lives up. It's hard to move forward like people say, and everyday I wake up, all I can think about is me feeling guilty over how I dealt with my breakup and my relationship.

[p87]

sparta thanks! My friend said the same thing when his ex cheated on him. Now he's happy in another relationship. I know it's hard to ignore on all the facts, but hey I will make an effort to try. It's because that I loved her so much that I have a hard time letting go. I wonder why she moved on so fast and can be so easily detached from me right after our breakup? She did tried to be friends with me, but I kept on begging her back and now she knows that if she talks to me i will just keep asking her back, so she block me. I felt bad and guilty of losing a lovely person in my life.

Edited February 12, 2017 by pat0201

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you ExpatInItaly,

Why do you think my Ex wasn't the person I shouldn't get close with anyways?

 

Isn't it obvious?

 

She went out with another guy who was crushing on her, and continued to keep in touch with those who asked her for nude pics.

 

Why would you want to date someone like that? She wasn't girlfriend material.

[p87]

To my dear ex,

 

It's been a few months since we talk. We didn't broke up in good terms, you left when I was begging. I was crushed, like a little kid who lost his parents, I don't know what to do. People told me first breakups are hard, but I wasn't prepared for any of this, I was shocked, and I was scared. This is the first time in my life that I didn't know what to do. I miss you, but I don't know what to do. I want you back, but the thought of it scared me because I know I will just get hurt every time I try to contact you again.

 

People told me to move on, there is nothing left in our relationship. To be honest, I know it's best for me to listen to them and move on with my life, but there is a little part in my heart that wish us to get back together. Step by step, I am trying to get my life together. I admit it's hard. Being dump is not the best feeling in the world, and it took me three months to make the effort to try new things and keep myself busy. I've been depressed, been angry, been desperate. I blame myself for not being the best boyfriend in the world when I'm with you, even the truth tells me that none of us did anything wrong.

 

I am scared that I mess up our relationship, I get scared when I look back to every little possible mistakes I might have made when I am with you. I want to be the perfect boyfriend, but I just keep screwing up. I am not good at expressing myself, but I tried my best to love you and care for you. This was both our first relationship, and we often made mistakes, but I always believe we can go past that and continue on. The ideas of breaking up pop in my head, but I always shook it off. The idea of you leaving me, becoming a stranger in my life just scares me. Remember when I told you I have nightmares of our breakup? That was me telling you I am scared of you leaving, because you are so important to me, that I am scared of losing you. I love you, and I tried my best to protect you, but please don't mistaken me for being your parent. I was just doing my best to care for you. Yes I am pushy, I can be scary sometimes, but I did things for your good. I hope you don't take it as me being controlling.

 

I don't have the best temper in the world. I get mad and emotional a lot, but I try not to. Remember when you told me you cannot date a guy who is always angry? I was scared, and I tried to control my anger. I don't get mad at people a lot, I was just scared of messing up my life, messing up our relationship, and I get nervous, that's why I get angry. If I told you earlier why I get angry, if I expressed myself better to you, would you have stayed with me longer?

 

When we broke up, you told me you cannot commit to anyone right now, including me. I try to understand, but I can't. I cannot see myself with anyone else but you. When I am with you, I dream of being with you forever. Although the chances are slim, I imagine proposing to you. Remember when I tried to propose to you in my bedroom? I almost cried, because I saw something in us. For the first time in my life, I felt love. When my family weren't there for me, you were the one who try to be with me, understand me, and love me. When you told me were incompatible, I was shock. I love you, and I felt a connection with you. To be honest, I don't know who is going to have a connection with me if you can't have one with me. We understand each other so well...What happened? How did you lost love for me?

 

You're gone now. That's the sad truth. I've been trying to love myself right now. It is hard. When you love someone else for so long, you become part of them as a whole. You stop thinking as "us" rather than "I". I wonder if you did that for me when we are in a relationship, because you told me you have to be selfish now when we were breaking up.

 

I cannot wish you the best right now. I want to, but I can't. Every time I see you at school my heart skips, memories flow into my mind, regrets come back to haunt me. The "what ifs", the bad feelings stop me from moving forward. I am scared to see you with someone else, and I don't know what to do. I miss you, but there is nothing I can do now. My friend once said to me: "Fake it until you make it". I can't guarantee that I will get better now, but at least I can pretend to be.

 

I wonder what it'll be like when I see you again in the future. Right now, I can't think of that. All I can do is like you said, move on. Maybe I will find someone, maybe I won't right now. All I can do is live life.

 

Sincerely,

The ex that loved you.

Edited February 17, 2017 by pat0201

[d0nnivain]

I didn't read it but I'm glad you posted it here. DO NOT send it to the EX.

 

 

If you must, in a controlled safe place, print it out & then catch it on fire. Watch the paper burn & the smoke rise. That can be healing.

[p87]

So my ex dump me a few months ago, we didn't really cut it clean after the breakup. We stayed as friends but I kept asking her back. After a few tries, she agreed to be friends with benefits with me. However, after another week, she decided to cut me loose. I was desperate and depressed. We had an argument that night, and we had more phone arguments later on. She decided to stop responding to my calls. She knows I'm hurt and there is nothing she can do about it. I want to get some closure from her and set things right with her, but I didn't get the chance to do so. Right now, she claimed to me and my friends that she is cutting me off and blocking me for the best of me, so I can move on. It has been a rough few months for me, and I really miss her company and her being next to me, she was my best friend. I was wondering is she doing this for me? Or is she doing this so she doesn't have to deal with the guilt of dumping me? I know I shouldn't be thinking about these things now, but any answer will help because it'll make my mind more clear. Thanks.

[Jimmyjackson]

Judging by what you've wrote, she dumped you and you kept chasing even though she made it clear she was no longer interested. Yes I think she is doing you a favour, she is allowing you to move on by removing herself from your life. It's the only way you will heal. She is likely also getting annoyed that you're still lingering around her so I believe it will be good for the both of you.

[p87]

To Jimmyjackson, do you think the main reason is that she doesn't want to deal with me anymore? And she is the one who choose to remove me from her life not me.

Edited February 26, 2017 by pat0201

[Jimmyjackson]

To Jimmyjackson, do you think the main reason is that she doesn't want to deal with me anymore? And she is the one who choose to remove me from her life not me.

 

No offence but when she broke up with you that is exactly what she was doing. People don't break up and become best friends, they drift apart. Space will be good for both of you.

[p87]

To Jimmyjackson, thank you. The sad part is we go to the same college and I might see her around my dorm or even in classes. Any advice on how to deal with that? I have stop contacting her for awhile now, but I don't know how to deal with her if I see her physically.

[Jimmyjackson]

To Jimmyjackson, thank you. The sad part is we go to the same college and I might see her around my dorm or even in classes. Any advice on how to deal with that? I have stop contacting her for awhile now, but I don't know how to deal with her if I see her physically.

 

Yes of course, just look at her, smile, look back in the direction you were walking and keep walking. If she stops you to speak to you just keep it short and be on your way, make up an excuse if you have to so you can leave. If you see her in class just do the same, you're there to study, try your best to focus on that.

 

It really depends on why you guys broke up to be honest, if she abused you or cheated I just wouldn't acknowledge her at all. But like I said, if she ended it because she no longer felt the same way etc, just be civil. It will kill you inside no doubt, you'll feel knots in your stomach. Fake it till you make it!

[p87]

She ended it because she couldn't commit herself to me. And she has a few guys who like her and disrespect me hanging around when we're dating, and I got angry about that. That is the main reason we broke up. She likes being single.

[preraph]

She's doing it for both of you, so that you can move on. I don't think you're going to move on and give up while you're seeing her, by the sound of it, right? Be honest.

[Jimmyjackson]

She ended it because she couldn't commit herself to me. And she has a few guys who like her and disrespect me hanging around when we're dating, and I got angry about that. That is the main reason we broke up. She likes being single.

 

There are a few guys who like her and all of a sudden she wants to be single? I wonder why....