Hating the dumper to get better?

[p87]

To preraph,

I know it's been hard for me to move on, but I actually don't want to lose a friend over this. It hurts for me to lose someone I care about in my life, and even if we can't be together, I want her in my life. Yes seeing her with someone else might be hard, but it's better than losing her in my life. Sadly, she doesn't want me in her life anymore, because I made the mistake of asking her back when she didn't want to. I regret my mistake until now.

[p87]

To jimmyhackson,

Yeah... To make it worse, she doesn't have a lot of friends except me and the bunch of guys she's talking with. One of them use her constantly for notes so he can ditch class to party. The other even ask her for nudes in the past.

[Marc878]

You didn't take the hint when she dropped you so you are where you are.

 

You chase they flee and in this case you got blocked too.

 

Learn from it and move on

[p87]

You didn't take the hint when she dropped you so you are where you are.

 

You chase they flee and in this case you got blocked too.

 

Learn from it and move on

 

Yeah...I learned my lesson marc. Since it was both our first relationship, I wonder if she'll ever understand why I was begging her the back and my feelings of getting dump and losing someone so important in life. Do you think what goes around comes around?

[Bromeo]

Pat,

 

The begging and pleading doesn't do any permanent damage, as you can't be any further broken up. I chased my ex for months, but the difference is she played game after game. When I finally cut her off before Christmas, she reached out a month later via email, and tried to kick her games up again. Only lasted a week this time before I cut her off and blocked her.

 

Point is, despite the indelicate online responses, you must come to the conclusion that she has made the decision not to be with you. You fighting for her is fine, she knows you want her, now it is time to move forward and let her miss you a bit. Her priveleges to your life have been revoked, and you have to look at her like a chapter in your life that has been read.

 

It's rough, hard, and painful. I suffered for months, and still get stabs sometimes. But now I realize that my self confidence has improved, and it is truly my exs, and yours losses.

 

Let her go live life without you. I had to do the same with mine. When mine saw she was blocked, she deleted all of our photos. Guess life isn't perfect, eh? Lol

 

Dave

[p87]

To Dave,

You're totally correct. When I'm with her she was my priority. I really tried to do things for the best of us, but apparently she did not. All she think about was herself. When we started dating, I did my best to protect her and care for her, but she felt pressured and unable to reciprocate the same for me. She wanted the best for her, not us. It is sad, but this is the first time that I realized that one can still be selfish in a relationship. Maybe it's because we're still young?

[Bromeo]

To Dave,

You're totally correct. When I'm with her she was my priority. I really tried to do things for the best of us, but apparently she did not. All she think about was herself. When we started dating, I did my best to protect her and care for her, but she felt pressured and unable to reciprocate the same for me. She wanted the best for her, not us. It is sad, but this is the first time that I realized that one can still be selfish in a relationship. Maybe it's because we're still young?

 

Well, blaming your ex is normal at the start of the healing process. Read my thread for exactly what not to do during a break. Lol

 

The good part is, you are both young. So go be young. I'm late thirties, and this bartender crushed me pretty good.

 

Go live life, try new things, and for gods sake, leave this one alone. She knows how you feel. Let her miss you. Lol

[p87]

Well, blaming your ex is normal at the start of the healing process. Read my thread for exactly what not to do during a break. Lol

 

The good part is, you are both young. So go be young. I'm late thirties, and this bartender crushed me pretty good.

 

Go live life, try new things, and for gods sake, leave this one alone. She knows how you feel. Let her miss you. Lol

 

Do you think that I was immature to beg her back? I know this is my first relationship, and I really like her, that's why I wasn't thinking rationally. I'm scared that she'll drift away from me, that's why I begged.

Edited February 27, 2017 by pat0201

[mightycpa]

Do you think that I was immature to beg her back? I know this is my first relationship, and I really like her, that's why I wasn't thinking rationally. I'm scared that she'll drift away from me, that's why I begged.

Well, first of all, by now, I hope you understand it isn't guilt. Call it determination. She is leaving you alone because she's determined to make you understand it is over.

 

Having never been dumped before, "immature" is a pretty good description. Nothing wrong with that. Now you're a little more mature, having gone through it once. You begged because YOU KNEW she was serious, you weren't prepared for it and you didn't know what else to do, except to give in to your emotions.

 

One of the hardest things to do after you have your first serious dumping is to tell yourself the truth. You have GOT to learn how to do that.

[p87]

Well, first of all, by now, I hope you understand it isn't guilt. Call it determination. She is leaving you alone because she's determined to make you understand it is over.

 

Having never been dumped before, "immature" is a pretty good description. Nothing wrong with that. Now you're a little more mature, having gone through it once. You begged because YOU KNEW she was serious, you weren't prepared for it and you didn't know what else to do, except to give in to your emotions.

 

One of the hardest things to do after you have your first serious dumping is to tell yourself the truth. You have GOT to learn how to do that.

 

Well she is definitely determined. I know it is one's personal choice to be with another person. However, I wanted to let her know that she hurt me really badly. I think the only I showed that was to beg her back, letting her see how desperate I was. I though begging would work, letting her show mercy, but I guess that just makes her more determined. She lost attraction for me, and now, I cannot believe she is doing a "favor" for me to cut me off. She was the one who decided to leave me, but she still wants to be the saint by doing me a "favor" by leaving me alone. Now, my question is, am I the victim? Or do I deserve it? I love the girl, and I put all my heart into our relationship, and I have never hurt her emotionally or physically. For the past few months, I've been wondering deep in my gut what did I do wrong to lose her? What if I did this correctly, will she still be with me? I've been torturing my mind, and right now, the least I really hope for is this: she still being the saint, the one who is "helping" me to get better. I did not initiate the breakup, but I am the one struggling. And she in the other hand, might be struggling somewhat, but I'm sure she doesn't care that much about me at all.

[p87]

You should be grateful she blocked you. You have to go no contact and you're so dependent on her this may be the only way. If I were you I'd block her back and start dating left and right. Make her see red and not be able to do a thing about it. As men, we have it so much tougher in the dating department that most of us have scarcity mentality and oneitis. She was the love of my life. I'll never find anybody like her again. Bull. We need abundance mentality because it matches reality. The world outside the comfort zone is all abundance.

 

"The world is full of many things and many people, and I shan't be lonely."

— Rhett Butler

Thanks for your reply! You know the funny thing of our breakup is that she actually wanted to stay single, because she knows that I will stick around for her no matter what, and she actually has quite a few suitors who are interested in her. I love her and care about her truly, but a lot of guys just want to take advantage of her and I told her about it. She just keep saying I don't have to worry and they all have good intentions. How Bull is that? Was I wrong?

[mightycpa]

You are asking the age old questions everybody asks.

 

Did you deserve it? No more than you "deserve" to be with her. It doesn't work like that.

 

Is she doing you a favor? Yes, believe it or not. But you're right, she's doing it for her too. Win-win, in her mind.

 

Are you the victim? You're acting like one. You don't have to be one, but if there is a victim, it's you. But the victim of what exactly? Unfairness? Lost love? A broken heart?

 

What did you do wrong? Well, you're human, after all. Nobody's perfect. I'm sure you did something wrong. I can't tell you what it was or how much of it there was.

 

What if you had been perfect? Good question! Things may have lasted a little longer, but in the end, it would not have mattered.

 

What if you change? See the answer above. The good news is that the next girl will appreciate it.

 

Does she care? Probably, they don't turn into monsters all of a sudden.

 

Does she care the way you want her to? No, probably not. It's probably not even difficult for her to be away from you. It's probably a relief.

[basil67]

After the breakup, you had a number of arguments and then she stopped talking with you. My guess is that the content of the arguments and her blocking you are related.

 

What were the arguments about? Were harsh words traded between the two of you? Did any accusations get thrown between you?

[basil67]

Thanks for your reply! You know the funny thing of our breakup is that she actually wanted to stay single, because she knows that I will stick around for her no matter what, and she actually has quite a few suitors who are interested in her. I love her and care about her truly, but a lot of guys just want to take advantage of her and I told her about it. She just keep saying I don't have to worry and they all have good intentions. How Bull is that? Was I wrong?

 

Yes, you were wrong. Don't ever give advice to an ex. No matter how well meaning you were, it will be taken as sour grapes.

[p87]

After the breakup, you had a number of arguments and then she stopped talking with you. My guess is that the content of the arguments and her blocking you are related.

 

What were the arguments about? Were harsh words traded between the two of you? Did any accusations get thrown between you?

 

Not really. But she was done with my begging. In the end, she stopped listening, to make it worse, she actually physically shut her ears with her hands, mumbling to herself. I was shock by her action, and I did not know what to do. She was really nice if I don't mention the breakup, but she turns cold when I do. I tried not to, but I really want her back, and I was lost. I made a bug mistake. She started blocking my calls, and now we don't even talk anymore. I was sorry for the begging, but can you blame a desperate man from begging? I don't think she'll understand now, since this is her first relationship too, and she is always full with a lurk of guys around her.

[p87]

This mentality is what's causing the problem. You need to get out of that naïve, lovey-dovey white knight doormat mode immediately.

 

Will that do more damage than good?

[p87]

You are asking the age old questions everybody asks.

 

Did you deserve it? No more than you "deserve" to be with her. It doesn't work like that.

 

Is she doing you a favor? Yes, believe it or not. But you're right, she's doing it for her too. Win-win, in her mind.

 

Are you the victim? You're acting like one. You don't have to be one, but if there is a victim, it's you. But the victim of what exactly? Unfairness? Lost love? A broken heart?

 

What did you do wrong? Well, you're human, after all. Nobody's perfect. I'm sure you did something wrong. I can't tell you what it was or how much of it there was.

 

What if you had been perfect? Good question! Things may have lasted a little longer, but in the end, it would not have mattered.

 

What if you change? See the answer above. The good news is that the next girl will appreciate it.

 

Does she care? Probably, they don't turn into monsters all of a sudden.

 

Does she care the way you want her to? No, probably not. It's probably not even difficult for her to be away from you. It's probably a relief.

 

Thank you for your replies! Breakups can really be harsh. Do you think more damage is done on the dumpee or the dumper?

[Bromeo]

Will that do more damage than good?

 

No, there can't be any more damage done. She knows you want her back, she knows she hurt you, and she sounds incredibly immature.

 

Stable, secure types communicate. Sometimes firmly, sometimes gently, but they listen, and make their point.

 

By regaining your self confidence, you will see with a bit more clarity. If this person was not your former girlfriend, would you accept this level of disrespect?

 

She is telling you everything you need to know, you are just hurt and are not seeing it. She is not the same person she was during your time together, so let her go, and give her a chance to miss you.

 

Dave

[mightycpa]

Thank you for your replies! Breakups can really be harsh. Do you think more damage is done on the dumpee or the dumper?

I hesitate to call it damage. Of course, some people do damage themselves, coming out of it timid, or believing that they are unlovable, or that everybody cheats, or other nonsense like that. But really, it's an opportunity to grow and become strong.

 

Definitely harder on the dumpee, unless the dumper felt forced to do it, ie, did it unwillingly, had no choice.

[preraph]

To preraph,

I know it's been hard for me to move on, but I actually don't want to lose a friend over this. It hurts for me to lose someone I care about in my life, and even if we can't be together, I want her in my life. Yes seeing her with someone else might be hard, but it's better than losing her in my life. Sadly, she doesn't want me in her life anymore, because I made the mistake of asking her back when she didn't want to. I regret my mistake until now.

 

Yeah, she cannot be friends with you because she knows you're still in love with her and now it's awkward because she does not return your feelings. You have to let her go. I know it sucks to lose a friend, and this is why sometimes it's best not to sleep with friends if one or the other isn't really feeling it. I did that myself and it's one of my only regrets, letting him insist on giving it a try. Then his resentment and inability to have lunch without bringing up "Have you changed your mind" (about breaking it off with him romantically) prevented us from being able to be more than acquaintances and barely that anymore.

 

That was 30-some years ago and this spring he stood with his arm on our table at a gig all night pretending he didn't see me. There's people you can be friends with and those you can't without it causing drama. If one is still in love, you can't do it. Do her a favor and just move on.

Edited February 27, 2017 by preraph

[p87]

No, there can't be any more damage done. She knows you want her back, she knows she hurt you, and she sounds incredibly immature.

 

Stable, secure types communicate. Sometimes firmly, sometimes gently, but they listen, and make their point.

 

By regaining your self confidence, you will see with a bit more clarity. If this person was not your former girlfriend, would you accept this level of disrespect?

 

She is telling you everything you need to know, you are just hurt and are not seeing it. She is not the same person she was during your time together, so let her go, and give her a chance to miss you.

 

Dave

 

Thank you for your kind words. We are definitely young and immature. I understand that she wants freedom now and that's something I cannot give her in a relationship. I guess some people view being tied down as a burden?

[p87]

Yeah, she cannot be friends with you because she knows you're still in love with her and now it's awkward because she does not return your feelings. You have to let her go. I know it sucks to lose a friend, and this is why sometimes it's best not to sleep with friends if one or the other isn't really feeling it. I did that myself and it's one of my only regrets, letting him insist on giving it a try. Then his resentment and inability to have lunch without bringing up "Have you changed your mind" (about breaking it off with him romantically) prevented us from being able to be more than acquaintances and barely that anymore.

 

That was 30-some years ago and this spring he stood with his arm on our table at a gig all night pretending he didn't see me. There's people you can be friends with and those you can't without it causing drama. If one is still in love, you can't do it. Do her a favor and just move on.

 

I wonder what I will say to her in the future when I see her? Well, I guess forgiveness in the only thing I can do now? Forgiving someone who broke my heart is really hard, how can I forgive her?

[p87]

I hesitate to call it damage. Of course, some people do damage themselves, coming out of it timid, or believing that they are unlovable, or that everybody cheats, or other nonsense like that. But really, it's an opportunity to grow and become strong.

 

Definitely harder on the dumpee, unless the dumper felt forced to do it, ie, did it unwillingly, had no choice.

 

Growing is necessary, but the fact of losing her is really just unbearable.

[p87]

Hey guys,

 

So my ex broke it off with me a few months back and a problem we always had was her christian fellowship group. I'm Christian myself but I don't really go to those on campus since they require a lot of commitment. I don't really have a big problem of her going to one, but there was a guy in there that like her, and I never meet the people in her group. She never introduce me to them and she ditch me a few times for there meetings. I have nothing against the group, but I found myself hating them more and more after she broke it off with me. Sometimes i found myself being left alone by her when she becomes really sensitive and defensive of her fellowship friends. She said that she hate choosing between me and her group, I told her she doesn't have to, but in the end, she wanted to dedicate herself more to her friends there and she left me. I understand it's important to make friends in college, especially with clubs like hers or others, but should there be a balance? And did I do something wrong?

[airborne3502]

Hey guys,

 

So my ex broke it off with me a few months back and a problem we always had was her christian fellowship group. I'm Christian myself but I don't really go to those on campus since they require a lot of commitment. I don't really have a big problem of her going to one, but there was a guy in there that like her, and I never meet the people in her group. She never introduce me to them and she ditch me a few times for there meetings. I have nothing against the group, but I found myself hating them more and more after she broke it off with me. Sometimes i found myself being left alone by her when she becomes really sensitive and defensive of her fellowship friends. She said that she hate choosing between me and her group, I told her she doesn't have to, but in the end, she wanted to dedicate herself more to her friends there and she left me. I understand it's important to make friends in college, especially with clubs like hers or others, but should there be a balance? And did I do something wrong?

 

There should have been a balance - in your favor.

 

You come first, and she should have been dedicating herself more to you.

 

I had a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend in college, except that it was a sorority. I went NC, and she came back on her knees.

 

If you do the same thing, and yours comes back, she will have realized how important you really were to her.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, and I hope with a few months distance, things are getting better for you.