Hating the dumper to get better?

[p87]

To me the fact that he has a crush on her and is hanging out with her all the time is a big red flag for me.

 

If you and you're gf are going to last you will have to meet this other guy at some point, tell her this.

 

They don't hang out all the time, since she is with me or doing work, but I never met him, that's the problem. She knows that I will get upset if she hangs out with him so she kinda stop for awhile, but she told me that I cannot stop her from hanging out with him. I told her I just don't want to get cross and betrayed, and the problem i had with that guy is that I never met him, and he took my girl out when we were dating, which she claimed was just hanging out. She knows all that. So I am confused what is going on here.

[Dandannydandan]

she told me that I cannot stop her from hanging out with him.

 

the problem i had with that guy is that I never met him.

 

This is very true.

 

You need to tell her that she can't keep hiding him from you if the relationship is going to work, it's going to drive you crazy.

 

Try and get her to arrange for you all to go out for a drink or something. That way you can meet him and see (hopefully) that he is harmless and might actually be a pretty decent guy. If she refuses then it's going to give your relationship problems.

[Marc878]

It's tough when your gf has another BF in your relationship. Sounds like they're dating. She's right you can't stop her from doing what she wants to do.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is why you want this in your life?

 

Are you so hard up that she's the only girl in the world?

 

You can't fix people but you need to fix yourself. Most guys would drop this and find another.

 

Wake up to being played.

[p87]

This is very true.

 

You need to tell her that she can't keep hiding him from you if the relationship is going to work, it's going to drive you crazy.

 

Try and get her to arrange for you all to go out for a drink or something. That way you can meet him and see (hopefully) that he is harmless and might actually be a pretty decent guy. If she refuses then it's going to give your relationship problems.

 

You know we've pick this problem up a lot of times, but she know I get angry easily, so she is scared to let me meet him, as I might get angry. I wasn't really angry at all in the first place, until dude cross the boundary by taking her out for dinner. THat's when I realized that she wanted a more free relationship, which is alright I guess, but her past history with guys aren't convincing at all. She still talks to guys from the past that disrespect her, and in indirectly, that actually hurts me too because she refuses to stand up for herself. In her world, apparently, everyone is her friend. But sadly, the close friends she actually have except me, are guys that have crushes on her. I want her to hang with my friends, a lot of them are girls, so she can expand her friend group, but she made little effort to do so. Why is that?

[p87]

It's tough when your gf has another BF in your relationship. Sounds like they're dating. She's right you can't stop her from doing what she wants to do.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is why you want this in your life?

 

Are you so hard up that she's the only girl in the world?

 

You can't fix people but you need to fix yourself. Most guys would drop this and find another.

 

Wake up to being played.

 

I think they aren't dating, but she feels obliged to hang with him as his friend. She also feels bad by indirectly rejected his love by telling him she and I were dating. But here comes the tricky part. They remained friends, and that guy acts like he's the nice guy type, but my gf and I know that he still likes her. He doesn't say it, but he wants to hang with my girl, which makes me feel ****ty. There's one time he got a bit angry at her when she forgot a meet up with him because she's with me. She told me that and I was really confused. I didn't mean to make her ditch him, but like i'm also mad at other dudes being angry at my girl. That's when I stop liking and respecting him. And plus, never meeting the dude made it worse tbh.

Edited March 19, 2017 by pat0201

[bubbaganoosh]

How about this. Respect yourself. If you want to play the part of the second fiddle then go right ahead.

 

Problem is that she wants you to respect her right to hang out with this guy and to me she's shoving it under your nose because she has the idea you going to sit and take it................and you are

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and you said you were "hanging out with a female friend and your GF finds out that you actually went out on a date and took your female friend to dinner, how do you think she would handle it? I'll tell you. She wouldn't like it unless she really didn't care about you or your relationship with her and there's the problem.

 

Your putting more into this relationship then she is. Maybe it's time you take a few steps back and let her know that your not in the business of taking a back seat to any one and since she isn't really giving a good effort to you. If it's me, I just let her know that your not going to be sitting around waiting for a few bread crumbs and if she wants to continue this way of behaving then she can but without you.

 

You can say this without sounding overbearing or cruel. It comes down to being fair with your feelings. it's obvious that their not as important as her inability to know when she's hurting you and it doesn't matter to her. Honestly i think she's playing both of you to the middle and enjoying it. Best bet? Move on

[p87]

How about this. Respect yourself. If you want to play the part of the second fiddle then go right ahead.

 

Problem is that she wants you to respect her right to hang out with this guy and to me she's shoving it under your nose because she has the idea you going to sit and take it................and you are

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and you said you were "hanging out with a female friend and your GF finds out that you actually went out on a date and took your female friend to dinner, how do you think she would handle it? I'll tell you. She wouldn't like it unless she really didn't care about you or your relationship with her and there's the problem.

 

Your putting more into this relationship then she is. Maybe it's time you take a few steps back and let her know that your not in the business of taking a back seat to any one and since she isn't really giving a good effort to you. If it's me, I just let her know that your not going to be sitting around waiting for a few bread crumbs and if she wants to continue this way of behaving then she can but without you.

 

You can say this without sounding overbearing or cruel. It comes down to being fair with your feelings. it's obvious that their not as important as her inability to know when she's hurting you and it doesn't matter to her. Honestly i think she's playing both of you to the middle and enjoying it. Best bet? Move on

 

Thank you for your reply bubbaganoosh.

Well I wouldn't say it was a date directly for them since it was a quick dinner but it was at our school's fancy dining hall. It was weird because I consult some of my female friends and they were split on the call. Some said it was okay and the others said it sounds weird even as friends. The funny thing is that she knows some girls I took out in the past, and I never really hang with them one on one, and the sad part is she claim that she "never" gets jealous even when we hangout, although most of the time in a group setting. The problem I had with her guy is that they mostly hang one on one, since they are the only two friends, not a group, and if they do, it's in a school organization where they met, or sit together in class they had in common. It's all legit excuses and I know I can be sensitive sometimes, but I really like the girl, and it kills me to see this.

Edited March 19, 2017 by pat0201

[breadbin]

I'll play devils advocate here and say it could be completely platonic. Just because she is having a meal with a friend of the opposite sex doesn't mean anything. Just because its a guy doesn't mean she wants to bang him. She is with you. You said you get angry very quickly - well there's your answer as to why she hasn't introduced him to you. You also said he's acting like a nice guy, well he might not be acting.

 

If you get angry and jealous and try to control the friends she has well some women like that. It proves you care about her. The caveman ideal. Other women would run a mile. What i've learned from relationships is that you have to be yourself. This obviously bothers you so you have to sort it out for yourself. I'd suggest like a previous poster said to meet up as a group and suss him out for yourself.

[basil67]

She can't introduce him to you BECAUSE you have anger issues. If she could introduce the two of you and be confident that you'd be pleasant and try to get to know him, it could be very different. But apparently she has good reason to fear your reaction and so is keeping him away from you.

 

I would also say that the one you should have issues with is your girlfriend - not him. She's the one who owes you fidelity. He owes you nothing. I also think she's making a poor decision hanging out with this poor sap who's got a crush on her. She's keeping him around as an orbiter and mistakenly thinks they can be friends.

 

My advice is to address your anger issues before they get you into trouble. And don't blame the guy here.

[p87]

She can't introduce him to you BECAUSE you have anger issues. If she could introduce the two of you and be confident that you'd be pleasant and try to get to know him, it could be very different. But apparently she has good reason to fear your reaction and so is keeping him away from you.

 

I would also say that the one you should have issues with is your girlfriend - not him. She's the one who owes you fidelity. He owes you nothing. I also think she's making a poor decision hanging out with this poor sap who's got a crush on her. She's keeping him around as an orbiter and mistakenly thinks they can be friends.

 

My advice is to address your anger issues before they get you into trouble. And don't blame the guy here.

 

Hey I know I get get angry easily, but when we first started dating, I actually told her i feel sorry for taking her from the guy, and want to meet him, i think he said he wants to meet me too, but she said it might get awkward and weird so she never initiate us meeting up. The two later on went to dinner and I was really not okay with that b/c it was in a high end restaurant in our school, and I have always wanted to take her there on her first try, but that happened, so I got angry and I never met the guy. i address her the problem but again she's scared that it might get weird, and I get angry sometimes for her not standing up for herself since there are other guys she's talking to that disrespect her, one just playing her and the other ask her for nudes in the past. THat's why I get angry, I'm angry that she doesn't stand up for herself, and I guess she translate my anger to this situation.

[p87]

I'll play devils advocate here and say it could be completely platonic. Just because she is having a meal with a friend of the opposite sex doesn't mean anything. Just because its a guy doesn't mean she wants to bang him. She is with you. You said you get angry very quickly - well there's your answer as to why she hasn't introduced him to you. You also said he's acting like a nice guy, well he might not be acting.

 

If you get angry and jealous and try to control the friends she has well some women like that. It proves you care about her. The caveman ideal. Other women would run a mile. What i've learned from relationships is that you have to be yourself. This obviously bothers you so you have to sort it out for yourself. I'd suggest like a previous poster said to meet up as a group and suss him out for yourself.

 

Yeah he might be. I admit I get angry easily, but mostly on the fact that she doesn't stand up for herself, she showed that especially when she is talking to two other guys that was playing her and ask her for nudes. I get angry because i'm her bf, but she sometimes she doesn't know what she can and she cannot do, and sadly, she only has guy friends, and most have crushes on her, so as her bf I'm in a really tricky situation here. I can get sensitive sometimes, but I just don't want to get hurt. I told her, but I never met the guy. She just decided to not introduce me to him, and I told her that is the reason why I don't like her hanging with him, because I know she has a tendency to be too nice to other people, as she thinks everyone is her friend, as you seen from her still talking to guys that disrespect her, even when we were dating. This is my first relationship so i mess up a lot, haha, i admit I get jealous a lot, but i was surprise that she said she doesn't, does that say a thing?

Edited March 19, 2017 by pat0201

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you sure this guy knows your girlfriend actually has a boyfriend? You say you think they're not dating - shouldn't you know this for a fact? How long have you and your girlfriend been together?

 

And as basil67 pointed out, your frustration is misguided. "Dude" might have crossed a boundary, but your girlfriend is the one who should be enforcing those boundaries to begin with. She is the one whose job it is to preserve the integrity of your relationship.

 

Perhaps she has well-founded concerns over whether you'll behave yourself upon meeting him. What happens when you get angry, OP? Do you yell, get aggressive, or..?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah he might be. I admit I get angry easily, but mostly on the fact that she doesn't stand up for herself, she showed that especially when she is talking to two other guys that was playing her and ask her for nudes. I get angry because i'm her bf, but she sometimes she doesn't know what she can and she cannot do, and sadly, she only has guy friends, and most have crushes on her, so as her bf I'm in a really tricky situation here. I can get sensitive sometimes, but I just don't want to get hurt. I told her, but I never met the guy. She just decided to not introduce me to him, and I told her that is the reason why I don't like her hanging with him, because I know she has a tendency to be too nice to other people, as she thinks everyone is her friend, as you seen from her still talking to guys that disrespect her, even when we were dating. This is my first relationship so i mess up a lot, haha, i admit I get jealous a lot, but i was surprise that she said she doesn't, does that say a thing?

 

Well, this sheds some light on what's going on.

 

This may be her first relationship, but I am assuming she's not a totally naive adolescent. How old is she? It doesn't take a relationship expert and years of dating experience to know that other guys asking for nudes is crossing a line, for heaven's sake. How does she respond to these guys?

 

There are red flags here. She either likes the attention and thus continues to give these orbiters access to her, or she grew up under a rock with zero understanding of how the world works. I'm starting to assume it's the former, but she's playing dumb and you're buying it for some reason. Why does she not have any female friends?

[preraph]

Well, you already hate the guy, so her fears sound founded. If it weren't for that, I would advise her to introduce you, but your insecurities sound too much for that and she knows you better than I do. She isn't going to sleep with someone she views as a sweet little brother.

[p87]

Well, you already hate the guy, so her fears sound founded. If it weren't for that, I would advise her to introduce you, but your insecurities sound too much for that and she knows you better than I do. She isn't going to sleep with someone she views as a sweet little brother.

 

Preraph

 

To be honest with you I said I want to meet the guy when we first started dating, but her first reaction was it's going to be weird so she rejected the idea, and as you can see this didn't really end up well now. I admit I am insecure in this first relationship, but i just don't feel good with this guy around. It just get weird because that guy wants to hang with my girl and I don't know what to do.

[p87]

Are you sure this guy knows your girlfriend actually has a boyfriend? You say you think they're not dating - shouldn't you know this for a fact? How long have you and your girlfriend been together?

 

And as basil67 pointed out, your frustration is misguided. "Dude" might have crossed a boundary, but your girlfriend is the one who should be enforcing those boundaries to begin with. She is the one whose job it is to preserve the integrity of your relationship.

 

Perhaps she has well-founded concerns over whether you'll behave yourself upon meeting him. What happens when you get angry, OP? Do you yell, get aggressive, or..?

 

I don't get agressive just emotional, but I never direct my anger towards her really like yelling or sth. For the guy, when we first started dating, I ask her to let me meet up with him, but she rejected the idea since it might get weird and awkward since he also likes her, and as naive as I was, i go with her idea of it. as you can see, the thing worsen because I never met the guy, and later on when I ask her to introduce me, she didn't respond at all, since she thinks I have a problem with the guy. I told her that I just need to meet him.

[p87]

Well, this sheds some light on what's going on.

 

This may be her first relationship, but I am assuming she's not a totally naive adolescent. How old is she? It doesn't take a relationship expert and years of dating experience to know that other guys asking for nudes is crossing a line, for heaven's sake. How does she respond to these guys?

 

There are red flags here. She either likes the attention and thus continues to give these orbiters access to her, or she grew up under a rock with zero understanding of how the world works. I'm starting to assume it's the former, but she's playing dumb and you're buying it for some reason. Why does she not have any female friends?

 

ExpatInItaly, Preraph

 

She has problems with guys in the past, and I know that she can be easy to guys sometimes. We are both college freshmen, and during our first semester, before I date her, she met some guy for about a week, and then they just started kissing, it was her first kiss, and he took it away from her easily. The guy never ask her out again, and he only talks to her for class notes or send snapchats to her, and she still think dude is her friend or something, but that guy ends up to be a player, as I explain to her later.

 

Another guy she is talking to is a guy who ask her for nudes in high school. She didn't give it to him back them, but they still talk. Apparently the guy is creepy and weird, and her mom know about him, but they seem okay with his behavior. The guy tells my girl she looks prettier or stuff like that even when we were dating, and it bothers me, because she shouldn't even be talking to her after he ask for nudes.

 

For me and her, it actually took us one to two weeks to get together. We met in class and the feelings develop as we hang out more. Before we started dating, she mentioned she had a few guys lurking around, and as naive as I was, I was worried about the competition because I really like her. I took her out one night, bought flowers, and ask her to be my gf. I told her that I know she has a lot of guy hanging around, including the two dbags she's talking to and the guy I mentioned in the thread, but I really like her and want to be with her. She obviously said yes, but what I didn't see is that we will have problems dealing with these dudes in the future. This all happened when she knew the guy had a crush on her, and she still choose to hang with me. I know I should be safe, but the weekend after we started dating, she told him first to scare him off and crush his heart, but that guy remain calm and insist of being friends with her. That's when things start to get tricky, because she knows that he still likes her, but she says they can be friends.

 

You see there are so many problems here, she believes that she can be friends with these guys, but is that really? I understand the importance of not cutting connections off, but are these guys really her friends? She claim that she only gets comfortable with guy friends so she has no female friends, even her roommate are not even close with her. That is why I got paranoid and insecure.

Edited March 19, 2017 by pat0201

[preraph]

So if she was going to do something with him, it would have already happened, right? Either she is the type of person to cheat or she isn't. Now, if you catch her in lies I will say that is a red flag. But if she has been truthful and not sketchy in that way, you have little reason to doubt her. It's true he might have a crush or something, but that is why I say she either has the good ethics not to hurt someone by cheating or she doesn't. So maybe keep your eyes open and not ride her about this and keep getting to know her and see if trust builds or if red flags begin to pop up. Good luck.

[p87]

So if she was going to do something with him, it would have already happened, right? Either she is the type of person to cheat or she isn't. Now, if you catch her in lies I will say that is a red flag. But if she has been truthful and not sketchy in that way, you have little reason to doubt her. It's true he might have a crush or something, but that is why I say she either has the good ethics not to hurt someone by cheating or she doesn't. So maybe keep your eyes open and not ride her about this and keep getting to know her and see if trust builds or if red flags begin to pop up. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yeah but see my previous reply about her history with guys.

Edited March 19, 2017 by pat0201

[Maldives]

I wouldnt tolerate that if that was my gf turn it aro7nd and ask her if u had a chic that u always hung out wth how would she feel about that I bet she wouldn't be ok wth it and if she says she would it's bull**** or it shows she feels little for u. There's no such thing as a guy friends they r wanting to bang the girl u and I know wat guys are like. If she friend zones him I bet he stops hanging out wth her. My ex says she loves having guy friends and now she does and I would never go back to her after wat I've seen her do. She would often say she wouldn't like it if I had gfs to hang around. Don't buy into her bull**** about guy friends it's a woman's wayou of opening up options in case something goes wrong wth u guys and put ur foot down and don't tolerate a on one male hanging out wth ur gf.

[Maldives]

Well, you already hate the guy, so her fears sound founded. If it weren't for that, I would advise her to introduce you, but your insecurities sound too much for that and she knows you better than I do. She isn't going to sleep with someone she views as a sweet little brother.

 

Sorry but the above is utter bullocks. My first gf she had this best friend of her fiance always hang out wth her her fiance got liked in a car crash. Anyway I didn't feel good about it and voiced my concerns and she would always down play it and say how ugly he was etc 3 yrs later they got married let that be a warning to you. If I was going out wth a chick and she had guy go friends I'd walk away

[Maldives]

Preraph

 

To be honest with you I said I want to meet the guy when we first started dating, but her first reaction was it's going to be weird so she rejected the idea, and as you can see this didn't really end up well now. I admit I am insecure in this first relationship, but i just don't feel good with this guy around. It just get weird because that guy wants to hang with my girl and I don't know what to do.

 

 

 

Dude she's protecting him sorry to keep posting on ur thread it's only because I've had a lot of experience wth this from past relationships. This is gonna hurt a little but she said that because Ithe cld be she's trying to protect his feelings ahhh it's not good and that's why u feel that way ur gut knows better just like mine wth the fiances best friend. All it takes is a fight between u too and this guy will move in.

[Maldives]

I don't get agressive just emotional, but I never direct my anger towards her really like yelling or sth. For the guy, when we first started dating, I ask her to let me meet up with him, but she rejected the idea since it might get weird and awkward since he also likes her, and as naive as I was, i go with her idea of it. as you can see, the thing worsen because I never met the guy, and later on when I ask her to introduce me, she didn't respond at all, since she thinks I have a problem with the guy. I told her that I just need to meet him.

 

 

**** i only just read this so I was right he do3s like her and she told u so. Wat more proof u need. U need som boundaries show her ur balls dude and draw a line. I know it's hard I'd walk away I'd she doesn't take into consideration how u feel. Anyone that really is into u will stop something that's hurting there partner think about it if she values the relationship enough. Think about it. Sometimes u hav to be strong enough to walk away it shows u the other party ur no door mat to walked over they'll want u even more then

[BluesPower]

I understand that you are young... So let's see if we can help you out.

 

So let's see, she gave her cherry to the first guy in collage that kissed her, right? OK, it's collage, time to party, she wanted to get laid and get that over with, cool.

 

I realize that you don't really understand much about relationships and girls in general.

 

What you need to realize is that your GF, has one or more other BF's. She likes the attentions, and more than likely she is screwing everything with two legs and an you know what.

 

Think we are all crazy? OK, check it out. Go meet the guy yourself. Observe her from afar. Be cool and ask around about her.

 

I am sorry about what you will find out, but think about this. It will be your first learning experience with cheating, boundaries in a relationship, starting to understand women at your age, bla, bla, bla...

 

Just learn from this and learn what to watch out for.

 

And just as a aside, why do you think you need to be in a relationship while you are a freshman in the first place. There are plenty of girls just like your "GF" that are willing to hook up at a moments notice. Why not play that field and just enjoy life for a while?

[p87]

I understand that you are young... So let's see if we can help you out.

 

So let's see, she gave her cherry to the first guy in collage that kissed her, right? OK, it's collage, time to party, she wanted to get laid and get that over with, cool.

 

I realize that you don't really understand much about relationships and girls in general.

 

What you need to realize is that your GF, has one or more other BF's. She likes the attentions, and more than likely she is screwing everything with two legs and an you know what.

 

Think we are all crazy? OK, check it out. Go meet the guy yourself. Observe her from afar. Be cool and ask around about her.

 

I am sorry about what you will find out, but think about this. It will be your first learning experience with cheating, boundaries in a relationship, starting to understand women at your age, bla, bla, bla...

 

Just learn from this and learn what to watch out for.

 

And just as a aside, why do you think you need to be in a relationship while you are a freshman in the first place. There are plenty of girls just like your "GF" that are willing to hook up at a moments notice. Why not play that field and just enjoy life for a while?

 

Thanks you for the reply. I doubt that she is having sex with others, but I agree with you that she likes the attention of multiple boys. I just don't want to act like I'm insecure and controlling you know?