wmacbride Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 An old friend of mine who became a widower about seven years ago is ready to try dating again. He's asked me and my spouse for advice, but I'm an old married lady so what he hell do I know about dating? He's asked about what women find attractive. I know what I find attractive ( it's not him, I never did) but bring kind of an odd sort, I don't know how helpful that would be. He's a super nice guy, loyal and honest, and he has worked through the grief of losing his wife who he loved very much. He' also an "army geek". I have decided to ask the question on here and I will let him know answers: Ladies...what do you find attractive in a man? Do you like the dominant type of personality or someone who's more laid back? What sorts of things do you notice about a guy when you first meet him? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 There's a woman for all types, so he just needs to be his "best self" to find someone who genuinely likes him for who he is. That said, his best self gets a haircut once a month and keeps his nails clean, his nose and ears de-haired, and has at least a couple of up-to-date clothing outfits, which I recommend he go to a department store and ask the best dressed clerk there to pick out for him to update his look. Of course, normal gentlemanly manners, but doesn't need to be over the top. And most importantly, he needs to date within his own age range. Which seems to be the thing old guys never want to do. But there are plenty of women he'll have things in common with in his age group. But if he tries to go younger, it will likely never happen and just be frustrating and not a good connection. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Ahh I don't think women universally like the same things!!! We are all unique, just as men are. Some like dominant, some like sensitive, some like poetry, some like athletes, so on and so forth. What things do many women like? Things that anyone could improve on? Good grooming. Well fitted clothes. Manners. Conversation skills. Confidence. Dominant / laid back etc - that depends on the chemistry between individuals. That's the area he needs to simply be himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 There's a woman for all types, so he just needs to be his "best self" to find someone who genuinely likes him for who he is. That said, his best self gets a haircut once a month and keeps his nails clean, his nose and ears de-haired, and has at least a couple of up-to-date clothing outfits, which I recommend he go to a department store and ask the best dressed clerk there to pick out for him to update his look. Of course, normal gentlemanly manners, but doesn't need to be over the top. And most importantly, he needs to date within his own age range. Which seems to be the thing old guys never want to do. But there are plenty of women he'll have things in common with in his age group. But if he tries to go younger, it will likely never happen and just be frustrating and not a good connection. Thanks for the response...ear hair! Now I feel really old ( he , like me, is in his mid 40's, as is my husband...I hope the ear hair doesn't sprout for a while yet... ) He's a really sweet guy, but really nervous that he will say or do the wrong thing. He has gotten a hair trim and bought some new clothes but it hasn't helped his confidence much. My husband and i have tried to help him feel better about himself, and i hope it helped. I'm so glad that dating is over for me...I hope forever. I never liked it that much, as I'm painfully shy in person, and it always felt so awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Ahh I don't think women universally like the same things!!! We are all unique, just as men are. Some like dominant, some like sensitive, some like poetry, some like athletes, so on and so forth. What things do many women like? Things that anyone could improve on? Good grooming. Well fitted clothes. Manners. Conversation skills. Confidence. Dominant / laid back etc - that depends on the chemistry between individuals. That's the area he needs to simply be himself. I agree. He's so nervous about it, and he even went as far as to go on to some website he found to research opening lines he could use. They were awful. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I agree. He's so nervous about it, and he even went as far as to go on to some website he found to research opening lines he could use. They were awful. Uff, no no no. No "opening lines". The biggest thing, which may be the hardest, is that he needs to be comfortable in his own skin. And grooming, clothes etc can help build confidence. He needs to be able to look at himself and think, ya know? I am a catch. When you see it in yourself. When you BELIEVE it, other people can tell, and that in itself is very attractive. How's his fitness? Improving ones health and body is a great way to boost confidence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) It depends on how old he is. How old is he? I am a woman in my forties and dating, but my ex-bf's mother is in her sixties and was dating (she is a widow). She and I would get together and talk about it sometime and it was clear that she wanted different things than I did. I would say that I want a settled life but she wanted that even more than I did. She wasn't out to have a lot of fun whereas I was. I think she just wanted someone to grow old with and I wanted someone to get out and do things with. I want a very active sex life, she didn't, she was clear about that. I want us to be all over each other, she thinks that's childish. She wants a companion and trustworthy best friend, I want a lover who has passion and I can tell everything to. I think these differences of what a woman wants are dependent on age so it depends on how old this guy is and what he wants. Edited March 29, 2017 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 A good sense of humor and confidence will trump looks any day (we'll almost any day). He should be as good looking as he can be and work on his sense of humor and confidence. If he feels insecure this will turn off the majority of women. There are no pick up lines he has to worry about. He just has to get comfortable in his own skin. Also, practice practice practice. I'm in the same age range and started dating about 6 months ago. I've gotten much better at it and realize a lot of the mistakes I made initially. Although others will balk, I recommend you get him the book "How to be a 3% man" by Corey Wayne. Although I don't agree with all his stuff it is a good starting point for those who are out of practice. He also has YouTube videos that cover common questions / mistakes from other followers. The book changed my life. What it comes down to is finding a GOOD woman. He'll find that is more difficult than one would think at our age. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I agree with other posters, be himself. If he has a niche/hobby, that's the best way. After I became a widow I had no interest in dating again, ever. Perhaps your friend could start with a group widow/widower meeting...to talk to others in a similar situation and sort some feelings. Soft spot. I guess that he needs to be confident to feel ready and confident enough to not get plowed over by the first woman to come along, ya know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Widows > Divorcees Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Widows > Divorcees Depends on your perspective. A divorce is a willing separation. A widower is not. Many women might have issue with being compared to someone the guy would still be with if she were alive. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Yes, Seven, there is always a potential for that. Love is a beautiful and mysterious thing though...it finds a way. I like Redhead's post in another thread to exemplify: Even though that may be true, he understands and accepts that that is and should be in the past and has made the decision to move forward with someone he apparently at least loves equally as much. The love of my life passed away a few years ago and yet, I have an SO that I love very, very much and in different ways. I love him for different reasons. While he is similar in some ways, yet he is different from that man who passed away. I love him for who HE is. There isn't always just one "The One". You can love people in different ways and for different reasons. I just don't think it was fair of her to make that decision for him that way. He was honest and upfront with her apparently, but if he was making her feel wanted and loved and appreciated for who SHE is that's what should matter. Again, if he wasn't making her feel like his #1 in the here and now (not what might be going on in his head), then I get why she'd bail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Depends on your perspective. A divorce is a willing separation. A widower is not. Many women might have issue with being compared to someone the guy would still be with if she were alive. My best friend in college married the girl of his dreams and within 5 years she was dead from breast cancer. He married twice after that, to nice women, he was in almost all other respects a catch, but he just couldn't let go and neither marriage lasted more than a year. It's been over 35 years now and he still can't let go of her. Pretty sad... Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 My best friend in college married the girl of his dreams and within 5 years she was dead from breast cancer. He married twice after that, to nice women, he was in almost all other respects a catch, but he just couldn't let go and neither marriage lasted more than a year. It's been over 35 years now and he still can't let go of her. Pretty sad... That's awful. I suspect a lot of widowers feel this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Uff, no no no. No "opening lines". The biggest thing, which may be the hardest, is that he needs to be comfortable in his own skin. And grooming, clothes etc can help build confidence. He needs to be able to look at himself and think, ya know? I am a catch. When you see it in yourself. When you BELIEVE it, other people can tell, and that in itself is very attractive. How's his fitness? Improving ones health and body is a great way to boost confidence. He's an army nerd, and in really good physical shape, as he has to be for his job ( he's a linemen, and spends a lot of his time climbing up and down installing and repairing cabling and wires). I convinced him to not use the pickup lines. They were so awful! Who comes up with those anyway? If you have ever seen the show "hello ladies" , my friend is kind of like the main character's best friend who is trying to meet a nice lady to eventually settle down with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 My best friend in college married the girl of his dreams and within 5 years she was dead from breast cancer. He married twice after that, to nice women, he was in almost all other respects a catch, but he just couldn't let go and neither marriage lasted more than a year. It's been over 35 years now and he still can't let go of her. Pretty sad... My friends wife died in an accident, and it was not expected. He was in a terrible state for some time, as his wife was a great lady and he loved her so much. He's had some counseling, and the time has helped. He told me that they had talked once about what they would do if anything happened to either one of the, and they both said they wanted whoever was left behind to grieve but eventually find someone new to be happy with. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 My friends wife died in an accident, and it was not expected. He was in a terrible state for some time, as his wife was a great lady and he loved her so much. He's had some counseling, and the time has helped. He told me that they had talked once about what they would do if anything happened to either one of the, and they both said they wanted whoever was left behind to grieve but eventually find someone new to be happy with. Knowing her, she probably told him she wanted him to move on and if anything it just made it harder. He tried, twice, but I don't think he's dated in over 20 years now. He seems to be happy by himself, or with his kids and grandkids, but any sort of romantic interest from women just gets him thinking about what might have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 Knowing her, she probably told him she wanted him to move on and if anything it just made it harder. He tried, twice, but I don't think he's dated in over 20 years now. He seems to be happy by himself, or with his kids and grandkids, but any sort of romantic interest from women just gets him thinking about what might have been. That's so sad but also very sweet. It's too bad that they had to part ways so soon. It sounds like he loved her very much. Link to post Share on other sites
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