Am I a fool for wanting to believe her?

[MyKiMaEz]

This is a long story so please forgive me in advance. I'm new to this forum and am in need of some advice as I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

 

My wife and I have been together for 18 years - she was 16 and I was 18 when we got together. Through her remaining high school years, our college years (different schools not too far from one another) and her time in law school, we managed to persevere. Wasn't easy but we did it. We FINALLY got married 5 years ago this Nov. We have two beautiful sons and, I thought, a fairly happy life.

 

Last spring, she was assigned a huge case - one of the biggest of her career to that point. She was excited about it and we took a trip together to celebrate it and discuss what the next few months would mean in terms of her time commitment to the case. Part of the discussion also included her asking a very experienced, well-established prosecutor to try the case with her. I'd heard about his reputation with the office and even met the guy and his wife a few times. Not the kind of guy I'd have a beer with or anything but he seemed a decent guy. I told her that it was a "wonderful" idea and that her getting a chance to learn from someone with so much experience would be great for her at that fledgling stage in her career.

 

Fast forward toward the end of the case and I'm noticing that his name is coming up in our conversations more and more frequently. Nothing too obvious but enough have gotten my attention at the time. Mind you, my wife is 35 and this guy is 50 (no offense to the older gentlemen here) and, from all I'd known about her up to that point, not her type at all. Anyway, one week in particular, she seemed very distant. My wife has never been much of a share-her-feelings type but this was oddly different. There were periods odd swings in behavior - one minute she's texting me from work how much she wants to see me and within an hour, her whole demeanor had changed. She slept as far away from me as possible. I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd say nothing but her eyes and body language spoke the opposite. Finally, she seemed to be clinging to her phone in a way that she hadn't before, which is what really stood out. I've never been the snoop-type but something told me that the answer was in her phone. When I started putting things together in my mind, the answer seemed clear.

 

Coincidentally, I got a text that our mobile phone bills were past due by a few days. When I logged on to pay that Friday night, I decided to check the usage and saw a total of 118 texts between her and another number in the span of that week. For her to send that number of texts in a month, let alone a week is crazy and I knew then what I was dealing with, and with whom. The next morning, we went to my son's basketball game and when we got home, she went to the restroom, leaving her phone on the table. I seized the opportunity...and there it was - a week's worth of flirting and sexually suggestive/explicit texts between her and this guy. To make matters worse, there are also portions of the communications that elude to them having snuck off in the office together to be alone. It was a gut-punch like I can't describe but I'm sure that many of you can relate to. Even after seeing the volume of the texts on the phone bill, I still hadn't allowed myself to serious consider that this was true. She came out of the bathroom and she could tell by the look on my face that I knew. She asked me what was wrong as if she didn't know. I asked her what was going on between her and the guy and she responded "what do you mean?". That INFURIATED me and I got up to leave. She immediately said, "I guess you saw the texts?" Ummm...yeah. She began to tell me a story that, 9 months later, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around.

 

She begins by saying that she had no feelings for him whatsoever. She goes on to say that, essentially, he made a move on her at the beginning of the week in question - one week post trial. She said it was completely unexpected and that she froze and didn't know what to do, so just laughed it off. This sparked a chain of texts between them that, depending on where you sit, does corroborate that portion of her story. She then goes on to say that shortly thereafter, maybe a few hours later, a fear set in that she'd never felt before and she made the decision that the best way to deal with it was to play along until she could figure out what else to do. Mind you, she left out CRUCIAL details of the story at this point that didn't actually come out for 3 months. In an effort to shorten things up here a bit, she left out the parts where she willingly met with him in quiet places in the office - instead, telling me that nothing actually happened in those moments, just the suggestion. However, while taking full responsibility for her behavior, she's maintained that she never wanted any of this with him and that she only went along with it because she feared the consequences of not going along. However, she also admits to having had great professional admiration for him and very complimentary personalities.

 

When she eventually did come clean, I was devastated. I felt like a fool for supporting his mentorship. I felt like a fool for wanting to believe that there was no intimate contact. I feel like a fool for even believing that what I know now is the whole truth. 9 months later, I can't get over this. Having read some of the stories of infidelity here, I know this isn't the most egregious thing that can happen but I feel like, BEST case scenario is that she prioritized career ambitions above me and our family, to the point that she was willing to put all that we've worked to build in jeopardy. But WORST case scenario would be that I just happened to have stumbled upon a full-blown affair in the making.

 

Are there any women here who can relate to her version of events? Am I a fool for wanting to believe her?

Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DumpedGuy9617]

I'm not a woman, but I know women....

 

To be perfectly honest with you, my first impression is she is lying to you, to preserve your relationship for whatever reason. Who would put their career ahead of what seems like was a very healthy relationship? If I was in the position she told you happened, I would have told the mentor off at the first sign of something weird and then I would have come home and told you, regardless of the consequences at my job.

[Dub]

She's lying, The first thing you have to come to terms with is that your wife screwed this guy for months. You should ask for a polygraph

[GoldenR]

If that's really all that happened, how does that explain her not wanting you to touch her in the bedroom? It doesn't. I'm sorry but two grown people don't sneak off just to have quiet whisper time together. Especially if these two people are sexting. It's not believable. Dhe had sex with him. Many times. And I'm not sure what your life is like now but if there's any unaccounted-for time with her right now then she is still having sex with him. Demand a polygraph

[Marc878]

 

Fast forward toward the end of the case and I'm noticing that his name is coming up in our conversations more and more frequently. Nothing too obvious but enough have gotten my attention at the time. Mind you, my wife is 35 and this guy is 50 (no offense to the older gentlemen here) and, from all I'd known about her up to that point, not her type at all. Anyway, one week in particular, she seemed very distant. My wife has never been much of a share-her-feelings type but this was oddly different. There were periods odd swings in behavior - one minute she's texting me from work how much she wants to see me and within an hour, her whole demeanor had changed. She slept as far away from me as possible. I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd say nothing but her eyes and body language spoke the opposite.

 

This tells you it is a physical affair. She started having sex with him and didn't want to cheat with you on her new lover. Typical affair. Emotional affair with contact = sex

 

Finally, she seemed to be clinging to her phone in a way that she hadn't before, which is what really stood out. I've never been the snoop-type but something told me that the answer was in her phone. When I started putting things together in my mind, the answer seemed clear.

 

Coincidentally, I got a text that our mobile phone bills were past due by a few days. When I logged on to pay that Friday night, I decided to check the usage and saw a total of 118 texts between her and another number in the span of that week. For her to send that number of texts in a month, let alone a week is crazy and I knew then what I was dealing with, and with whom. The next morning, we went to my son's basketball game and when we got home, she went to the restroom, leaving her phone on the table. I seized the opportunity...and there it was - a week's worth of flirting and sexually suggestive/explicit texts between her and this guy. To make matters worse, there are also portions of the communications that elude to them having snuck off in the office together to be alone. It was a gut-punch like I can't describe but I'm sure that many of you can relate to. Even after seeing the volume of the texts on the phone bill, I still hadn't allowed myself to serious consider that this was true. She came out of the bathroom and she could tell by the look on my face that I knew. She asked me what was wrong as if she didn't know. I asked her what was going on between her and the guy and she responded "what do you mean?". That INFURIATED me and I got up to leave. She immediately said, "I guess you saw the texts?" Ummm...yeah. She began to tell me a story that, 9 months later, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around.

 

She didn't confess you found out. All cheaters lie, hide and deny. Shes covering up and playing you.

 

She begins by saying that she had no feelings for him whatsoever. She goes on to say that, essentially, he made a move on her at the beginning of the week in question - one week post trial. She said it was completely unexpected and that she froze and didn't know what to do, so just laughed it off. This sparked a chain of texts between them that, depending on where you sit, does corroborate that portion of her story. She then goes on to say that shortly thereafter, maybe a few hours later, a fear set in that she'd never felt before and she made the decision that the best way to deal with it was to play along until she could figure out what else to do. Mind you, she left out CRUCIAL details of the story at this point that didn't actually come out for 3 months. In an effort to shorten things up here a bit, she left out the parts where she willingly met with him in quiet places in the office - instead, telling me that nothing actually happened in those moments, just the suggestion. However, while taking full responsibility for her behavior, she's maintained that she never wanted any of this with him and that she only went along with it because she feared the consequences of not going along. However, she also admits to having had great professional admiration for him and very complimentary personalities.

 

You need to inform other mans wife if they continue any contact the affair will continue if it even ended. Don't think because you now know it stops. It can go deeper underground. Helping them hide their affair is always a bad ide and will enable it further. Expose without warning

 

When she eventually did come clean, I was devastated. I felt like a fool for supporting his mentorship. I felt like a fool for wanting to believe that there was no intimate contact. I feel like a fool for even believing that what I know now is the whole truth. 9 months later, I can't get over this. Having read some of the stories of infidelity here, I know this isn't the most egregious thing that can happen but I feel like, BEST case scenario is that she prioritized career ambitions above me and our family, to the point that she was willing to put all that we've worked to build in jeopardy. But WORST case scenario would be that I just happened to have stumbled upon a full-blown affair in the making.

 

It WAS a full blown physical affair and you know it you just don't want to believe what everyone else is seeing

 

Are there any women here who can relate to her version of events? Am I a fool for wanting to believe her?

 

Most betrayed spouses want to believe the lies because the truth is to hard to take. It's called denial

Edited March 30, 2017 by Marc878

[BuddyX]

She's lying (Guess that makes 5 guys in a row now).

 

You want the truth? Tell the OBS. Sh*t will hit the fan, and the truth will come out.

[harrybrown]

Drive her over to his house and leave her there.

 

Tell her she is not living at your house anymore.

 

She can have the OM.

 

Just not her family.

 

How would she like it if you had an affair for that long?

 

Have her get tested for stds. and have her write a timeline of the A and then take the polygraph on her timeline.

 

She also has to start protecting you by exposing the OM.

 

Has she told her parents that she has daddy issues?

 

She is an attorney. have her file your D and have her make a post nup.

 

She gets to leave and pay alimony and child support.

 

Have her go to affair-recovery .com to see how to help you heal.

 

She has had many sessions with him.

[Life lessons]

I agree with the above comments! I think it's went a lot further than she's telling you. IMO, women do not sext guys unless they have been or want to be intimate with them. She's definitely having an affair....whether emotional or physical...but I'd say physical. As noted above, 2 grown adults aren't going to ask for "quiet time", unless something's going on!

 

It seems like she's only telling you half truths.

[Whatnotagain]

Lying, minimizing, trickle truth, she's doing it all. Typical cheater behavior. You know as long as the two of you remain together she cannot continue to work there, because he is not going to leave. She will have to be the one to leave, otherwise the affair is on hold waiting for another opportunity to arise. Sorry you have joined the club of the betrayed.

[GoldenR]

They're not still working together, are they?

[QuietDan]

"Anyway, one week in particular, she seemed very distant. My wife has never been much of a share-her-feelings type but this was oddly different. There were periods odd swings in behavior - one minute she's texting me from work how much she wants to see me and within an hour, her whole demeanor had changed. She slept as far away from me as possible. I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd say nothing but her eyes and body language spoke the opposite."

 

I would suggest, this is a strong indicator that she started having a Physical Affair at this point.

Usually, from what I have seen so far over the years and having read so many of these type of threads, woman have a remarkable ability to cover up and hide an emotional affair.

However, some seem to have a little bit more difficulty covering up when things go physical. There true emotional allegiance seem to change to the other man and they are no longer able to be pretend to be loyal or faithful to the husband when they are now feeling the desire to be loyal and faithful to the other man. As there heart/body goes, so does there allegiance. So, no wonder she did not want to be close or physical with you, that would be cheating on the one she "Loves".

Hopefully, you can have a heart to heart honest open discussion with her and she will tell you the truth about all of this.

However, as you have seemed to discovered, truth seems to be a rare commodity when it comes to wayward spouses.

Even when, they tell the "truth", often it is a "white washed" half truth version. Over time... some of the truth seems to slowly trickle out. Hence, "trickle truth"....

[bubbaganoosh]

First thing I do is hire a lawyer, file, have her served whiles she's at work. Then contact the OM wife and let her know. It's a shame you didn't save the text messages.

 

Then you tell your wife that either she comes clean or the divorce goes through and you'll inform the law firms owner of the affaie and they both lose their jobs.

 

If she confesses and you can save the marriage you can always cll the divorce off but you need to let her know that you mean business and wont put up with lies or trickle truth. Let her know that she brought this on and there's a price to pay for her betrayal.

[Southern Sun]

As a fWW who had an affair with her mentor/boss...

 

Mostly, I think her story is BS. I thought it may help to compare her story to mine.

 

My mentor/boss (after years of a normal relationship) made me aware that he was interested in more with me. Before the big conversation, he had been sending me odd texts, getting braver, saying things that I wasn't sure about in the moment, but thought were questionable. They were always vague enough that if I were to point them out and been obviously offended or not on board, he could have said, what in the world do you mean??

 

Finally, he said outright what he wanted. I told him no, that I did not want to go there. I had to physically resist his advances that day. And mostly, I didn't want the relationship. But there was a part of me that was...flattered? He was someone I admired and respected. I looked up to him and trusted him. We had the same age differential as your wife and the OM in your situation. I kind of thought...wow, this man I sort of held on a pedestal...he wants me?

 

Of course these thoughts are all very wrong. At the same time I thought this, I was also thinking how I could not go there, did not want to go there, I was totally terrified and I didn't know what to do. I had my dream job and I knew right away this was going to change everything, regardless of my decision. I thought that I should tell my husband, but that would mean I would have to quit. I thought maybe I could handle it and just turn him down, but then I feared the office would become awkward and miserable (it was VERY small). There was no going back at this point. And still...there was that small part of me that was flattered. And now curious.

 

So ultimately, I let it proceed. I can't say it was because I was scared. Maybe it played a part in the beginning. Maybe I felt a little cornered, a little stuck, a little confused. I think my boundaries were shaky, especially with him. He was my boss, after all. But I did have choices, and ultimately, I wanted to know what it felt like.

 

I will say that I did not initially intend for it to go where it did. I kept thinking I might see what THIS feels like, and then stop it. And then maybe THIS, but I won't let it go there. At the end of the day, I kept letting it go. Then the train left the station and I was on it.

 

Unless this guy was threatening your wife, I don't think she was legitimately scared or "playing along" because she didn't know what else to do. Most likely she was getting something out of it. Maybe it threw her off in the beginning, freaked her out, as it did me. I didn't have any interest in my boss. I didn't chase him for an affair. I've read that the danger is not when you notice a person, but when a person notices YOU. This person I did not chase down for an affair? I finally scraped my way out of it, two and a half years later.

[BluesPower]

She is and has been completely lying...

 

I think from what I am reading is that you think she did not sleep with him, at all or willingly?

 

That is total BS in every way. She has at least been sleeping with him through out the whole case and since. She was probably sleeping with him before this case.

 

Tell me that you don't believe that this is the case? You cannot possible believe that she is not having an affair? Right?

 

Please don't be a fool...

[Southern Sun]

Oh, Blues, come on...no reason here to think she was sleeping with him before the case. Not that that helps anything.

 

I have some questions.

 

I don't know the exact timeline on this, but it seems that the case lasted for a few months, and then she claims that he hit on her right AFTER the case ended, and now it's been nine months since. I can't tell how long the supposed "flirtations" went on, or how long your wife claimed they continued. Did she supposedly end things right after you discovered them? Or were they already over?

 

I just wondered because, knowing that she claimed to be so afraid not to play along, did anything happen to her when it was over? Was there any sort of retribution?

 

How did this end?

 

Point being...if it ended peacefully, there was obviously no fear.

 

The other point being...has it actually ended?

 

Others have asked - is she still working with this guy?

 

Time, proximity, the intoxication of mutual admiration, all of which she and this guy had in spades during the trial, is a very dangerous mix. If they are still around each other, I would not be comfortable.

 

(My career ended the day my husband found out, BTW)

[GoldenR]

 

(My career ended the day my husband found out, BTW)

 

Ending a career doesn't mean the A stops. In fact, didn't your A continue for a couple months after your H found out? I could be thinking of someone else

[Southern Sun]

Ending a career doesn't mean the A stops. In fact, didn't your A continue for a couple months after your H found out? I could be thinking of someone else

 

Oh, agreed. I didn't mean to imply that. Even so, staying at that job would have been a nightmare. The A continued, but leaving the job was at least the beginning of the end of the affair. It destabilized the situation, changed the dynamics, the opportunity, everything. I wasn't giving myself any credit in saying that, but I do give my H credit for taking that action.

[GoldenR]

Oh, agreed. I didn't mean to imply that. Even so, staying at that job would have been a nightmare. The A continued, but leaving the job was at least the beginning of the end of the affair. It destabilized the situation, changed the dynamics, the opportunity, everything. I wasn't giving myself any credit in saying that, but I do give my H credit for taking that action.

 

 

:-) I wasn't taking a shot at you. I'm sorry if it felt that way.

[QuietDan]

Oh, agreed. I didn't mean to imply that. Even so, staying at that job would have been a nightmare. The A continued, but leaving the job was at least the beginning of the end of the affair. It destabilized the situation, changed the dynamics, the opportunity, everything. I wasn't giving myself any credit in saying that, but I do give my H credit for taking that action.

 

How are you and your husband doing?

[Whatnotagain]

Oh, Blues, come on...no reason here to think she was sleeping with him before the case. Not that that helps anything.

 

You know what, I like Blue's perspective. You know why? Because he looks at things worst case scenario, and you know what, it usually is. When you are dealing with someone who has been lying to you (affairs thrive in secrecy and lies) and who is likely still lying to you (all cheaters try to portray themselves in the best possible light), it can be helpful for the betrayed to view things worst case scenario. It helps them from getting all twisted up in their head trying to make sense of all the BS their SO is feeding them. Things like "I wasn't attracted to him but I had sex with him" or "I didn't like doing it with him but I kept doing it because I didn't know how to stop" or "We didn't have sex but we shared adjoining rooms at a Hotel for 3 nights and were naked with each other". It sounds totally ridiculous if you think about it and sounds like lame excuses a teenager would tell their parents to make them believe they weren't out partying, having sex, etc. Make the betrayer prove that they did not have sex with the other person, make them take the poly, make them get the STD test, and go get the STD test yourself no matter how many times they tell you they did not have sex during their affair. That is what I did and it was extremely helpful for me too look at things in that way.

[Southern Sun]

How are you and your husband doing?

 

I do not want to t/j but maybe it will help the OP.

 

It's been a very hard road, but after a solid year (almost) of NC, we are finally making progress in reconciliation. I've struggled. My H has struggled mightily. I've floundered with the loss of my job, the lack of a daily routine, the upending of my identity. I've been trying to help my H heal while dealing with my own depression. It's been...wow...harder than I can say.

 

But we are still here. And things are looking up. We both feel better right now than we have in a long time.

[BluesPower]

Sothern and OP...

 

I actually work in this field so I have seen it several times. I could be wrong, but if she wasn't sleeping with him before, she absolutely is currently sleeping with him because the affair never stopped. She was gas lighting the OP from the get go for sure, poor guy.

 

I say that she may have been sleeping with him before for this reason, if they already started the affair, this would have been the perfect cover to spend a lot of time together without raising suspicion of OP and OM's wife. They knew the hours would be long so they would have ample opportunity for quickies whenever they wanted. They also could use the case as cover so they could go to a hotel room whenever they wanted.

 

I could be wrong. But then again, she is a lawyer so she was prepared for the possibility of getting caught and she had the elaborate story that she gave OP ready ahead of time.

 

And for those that think they believe any part of her story, don't. She was ready, she lied to OP flat out and the Physical Affair is on going.

 

I think what buddy was saying was to tell the other man's (OM's) wife about the affair and watch the sparks fly.

 

Then of course, file for divorce...

[aliveagain]

Friend, your being lied to, your only seeing the tip of the iceberg. She kept her distance from you for one of two reasons, she felt that being intimate with you was cheating on her boyfriend or she had sex with him earlier in the day in one of her quiet getaways with him and was feeling awkward about being with you. First thing you should do is get copies of all their texts, if nothing physical happened she should be more then willing to get all their texts printed to prove that to you. Second is expose them to his wife, see what she thinks. Sometimes it's not about the looks, some women are attracted to power.

[jenkins95]

I do not want to t/j but maybe it will help the OP.

 

It's been a very hard road, but after a solid year (almost) of NC, we are finally making progress in reconciliation. I've struggled. My H has struggled mightily. I've floundered with the loss of my job, the lack of a daily routine, the upending of my identity. I've been trying to help my H heal while dealing with my own depression. It's been...wow...harder than I can say.

 

But we are still here. And things are looking up. We both feel better right now than we have in a long time.

 

It's great that you shared your story here Southern Sun. There are a lot of parallels and hopefully this will help the OP understand the situation that has arisen here.

 

I am another former (and now reformed) cheater and I'm sorry to say that I completely agree with the other posters. I think the chances that this didn't turn physical are infinitessimally small, much though I totally understand your desire to cling on to hope.

 

When my wife first made some minor discoveries (a couple emails, unrecognised phone number), almost without thinking, I automatically went into a steely defense mode. I admitted nothing beyond what she actually found. I minimised, played down and acted incredulous and hurt that she could possibly think it was anything more. These are the tools and the defense mechanism of the cheater who is still in that fog and in self-preservation mode. Much later, when my own conscience kicked in and I saw the whole thing for what it was, what I'd risked, what I'd ruined and what a mess I created, I confessed that it was a physical affair - but this was months after her first discoveres. I am so ashamed of myself now and I think your wife will be one day.

 

I doubt it's much consolation, but I am certain that, as in Southern Sun's case, he would have been the pursuer here. The hot-shot senior lawyer, brilliant in his field, distinguished, admired and looked up to - almost like a minor celebrity. He abused his position of authority and power to manipulate and snare your wife. I have no doubt that she would have resisted and resisted hard...but eventually, like Southern Sun, she gave in to the pressure. She is not blameless, but I very much doubt she went looking for it and I am sure he pressured and pursued her relentlessly. Perhaps it's a game he's played many times before? Perhaps it will play out again on the next unsuspecting victim.

 

It's very early days for you at the moment and your head is all over the place. You probably don't know how you'll feel or what you'll want tomorrow - let alone 20 years down the line, but I want to say that when she becomes genuinely sorry, tells the truth and shows you without doubt that she wants to fix her mistakes, then reconciliation can work if you both want it. Like Southern Sun, my wife and I are now doing well over a year after the end of my own A. That dark shadow will always be there, and recovery can be a tough, non-linear ride, but she has been amazing in giving me another chance and I am a reformed person and see the A exactly for what it was.

 

Good luck OP. We are here for you. Come back and tell us how you are doing.

Edited March 30, 2017 by jenkins95

[lolablue17]

I'm trying very hard to be creative and think of a scenario in which she wasn't (isn't) sleeping with him, but sorry, I can't find any. Yes, it's a full physical affair. The rest is only a bunch of lies.