Am I a fool for wanting to believe her?

[merrmeade]

I'd say first of all you should read as many affair stories as you can to realize how unusual your wife's explanation is. Listen, we've most of us BSs been lied to - and believed it - then found out how far our spouses would go to keep us from knowing the real story. It's usually some hard to swallow explanation or partial confessions that they embellish for a while. But read up on lying too. Liars often embellish or make up random details to create a plausible story.

 

And nothing you've reported that she said explains the need for the number of meetings, calls or texts that you know about. Think about it: 108 texts in one week - just to figure out what he wanted? No, I think SS's version on p. 1 is more likely. She was shocked at first, but then felt flattered, then curious and meanwhile he's clearly an experienced player who knows what to do with each such nuance. It's hard to believe it of your partner I know, but affairs are supposed to remain secrets, you know ....

[jenkins95]

These are the major red flags as far as I can see. Most of it is textbook stuff.

 

More red flags than a Communist party rally I'm afraid.

 

I'm noticing that his name is coming up in our conversations more and more frequently. Nothing too obvious but enough have gotten my attention at the time. Mind you,

 

 

my wife is 35 and this guy is 50

 

 

she seemed very distant.

 

 

odd swings in behavior

 

 

her whole demeanor had changed.

 

 

She slept as far away from me as possible.

 

 

I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd say nothing but her eyes and body language spoke the opposite.

 

 

she seemed to be clinging to her phone in a way that she hadn't before

 

 

a week's worth of flirting and sexually suggestive/explicit texts between her and this guy.

 

 

communications that elude to them having snuck off in the office together to be alone.

 

 

I asked her what was going on between her and the guy and she responded "what do you mean?"

 

 

she left out CRUCIAL details of the story at this point that didn't actually come out for 3 months.

 

 

she left out the parts where she willingly met with him in quiet places in the office

 

 

she's maintained that she never wanted any of this with him and that she only went along with it because she feared the consequences of not going along.

 

There may be some truth in the last one. This guy could be a predator that backed her into a corner.

Edited March 30, 2017 by jenkins95

[standtall]

Yep...she done cheated already. good luck to you.

[GoldenR]

Why is it that if the OM is older, then he is a predator who has done things many times and he weakened the unwilling W who eventually had no choice but to give in, regardless of how much she loved her H, but if the OM is younger, he weakened the older W with compliments that she hadn't heard in so long, and with all of his persistence, she eventually felt like she had no say in the matter but to just give in to the young attention?

 

She's grown. She's an adult. She's married and took vows. She is responsible for the mess she's in.

[jenkins95]

Why is it that if the OM is older, then he is a predator who has done things many times and he weakened the unwilling W who eventually had no choice but to give in, regardless of how much she loved her H, but if the OM is younger, he weakened the older W with compliments that she hadn't heard in so long, and with all of his persistence, she eventually felt like she had no say in the matter but to just give in to the young attention?

 

She's grown. She's an adult. She's married and took vows. She is responsible for the mess she's in.

 

Absolutely, and as I said, she is not blameless at all.

 

Just my hunch - I reckon he's a predatory type who has abused his high office and the age differential also fits this pattern. Sadly we see it all the time. A guy was "escorted from the premises" in my office a while back for making "inappropriate suggestions" to another staff member. He was 50 and a senior manager, she 25 and a secretary. But it backfired, she didn't bite and he's now in a world of trouble

 

I could be wrong of course - maybe it was her pressuring him...or maybe it was compeltely mutual. But I doubt it. Just my opinion.

[somanymistakes]

There was definitely physical contact between them, and the fact that she isn't telling you that is a big red flag suggesting it was fairly consensual on her part. (I mean, it's still an abuse of his position, but there's abuse and there's abuse, if you know what I mean.)

 

In a truly predatory mentorship, the situation generally does NOT start with the mentor making a move out of the blue. It starts with a complex web of flattery and putdowns to make the younger person both emotionally dependent and off-balance. It starts with the promise of Awesome Opportunities For Your Career, and You're So Special - a sort of love-bombing but with more of a career focus. The mentor pulls the younger person into their life, giving them tasks to do, which they don't want to refuse because they want to help and be useful to this super important mentor, while the mentor overshares and tangles the victim up in his emotional life (time for the stories about how his wife doesn't love him anymore and they have an open relationship and so on). I shouldn't go into any more detail lest I lay out a blueprint for how to destroy someone's life.

 

But anyway, if this were the story, I would expect the messages you see from him to be a complicated mix of flattery (you're so special), apologies (i know I went too far), and accusations (you made me feel bad, you're just using me, it's your fault for being so sexy).

 

If he were preying on her like that and it had just started that week SHE WOULD NOT BE SENDING HIM A HUNDRED FLIRTY TEXTS.

 

She's lying. Sorry.

 

(And remember, I'm the one who most commonly insists that these things aren't always physical affairs. THIS ONE IS.)

[Whatnotagain]

Why is it that if the OM is older, then he is a predator who has done things many times and he weakened the unwilling W who eventually had no choice but to give in, regardless of how much she loved her H, but if the OM is younger, he weakened the older W with compliments that she hadn't heard in so long, and with all of his persistence, she eventually felt like she had no say in the matter but to just give in to the young attention?

 

She's grown. She's an adult. She's married and took vows. She is responsible for the mess she's in.

 

For me it is not his age but his position of authority over her and the role of her mentor that he was performing that makes this more egregious, making him come across as a predator. It is not illegal to have an affair in the workplace but it is illegal for someone in his position to use that authority over her to get her to have sex with him. She may want to consider filing an EEOC for sexual harassment against him.

 

I agree with you that none of this excuses her behavior and that she acted poorly. It's really easy to shut something like this down by telling your spouse, but she wanted to play and didn't tell her husband.

[Southern Sun]

 

In a truly predatory mentorship, the situation generally does NOT start with the mentor making a move out of the blue. It starts with a complex web of flattery and putdowns to make the younger person both emotionally dependent and off-balance. It starts with the promise of Awesome Opportunities For Your Career, and You're So Special - a sort of love-bombing but with more of a career focus. The mentor pulls the younger person into their life, giving them tasks to do, which they don't want to refuse because they want to help and be useful to this super important mentor, while the mentor overshares and tangles the victim up in his emotional life (time for the stories about how his wife doesn't love him anymore and they have an open relationship and so on). I shouldn't go into any more detail lest I lay out a blueprint for how to destroy someone's life.

 

 

My situation started (I distinctly remember this moment) when xMM came into my office and expressed his apparently genuine and sincere appreciation for me and my work. He said he "thanked God" for me and, not kidding, had tears in his eyes. I was moved. I had known him for years and I felt very gratified by this at the time.

 

It was soon followed with texts such as, "You have no idea what you've come to mean to me," and "We're partners, you're very important to me, and "You know I couldn't do this without you."

 

After that the texts became more friendly, some jokey banter, then even more friendly, etc...

 

The in-person conversations were not so much about his difficult marriage at that point, but about supporting him at work.

 

Just trying to paint the picture of the lead-up. This probably lasted a month or so before we even talked about it.

[Southern Sun]

For me it is not his age but his position of authority over her and the role of her mentor that he was performing that makes this more egregious, making him come across as a predator. It is not illegal to have an affair in the workplace but it is illegal for someone in his position to use that authority over her to get her to have sex with him. She may want to consider filing an EEOC for sexual harassment against him.

 

I agree with you that none of this excuses her behavior and that she acted poorly. It's really easy to shut something like this down by telling your spouse, but she wanted to play and didn't tell her husband.

 

Predator may be a strong word, but he could have beeen the pursuer.

 

Certainly there was an imbalance of power in the relationship, and I do think that makes things tricky. I notice she said nothing happened until the week AFTER the trial. That seems almost purposeful. Like maybe he waited until they weren't technically working together anymore?

 

Look into the requirements for sexual harassment. There must be a threat of consequences or job loss (explicit or implied) for not being compliant. I believe you can also potentially succeed with a filing if you can prove that the environment in the office was hostile, as created by the defendant in retribution for non-compliance. Something like that. There is a time limit on filing though.

[Guildford]

I generally agree with the other responses to this thread, and I would like to suggest the following course of action. Show this thread to your wife and ask her to read the whole thing, all the responses. When she is done, tell her you want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth right now, or she will find herself back in court – divorce court. If she comes clean, tell her that there had better not be any pertinent facts that come to light later. Whatever happens, you should be in a good position to decide your next move, divorce or reconciliation.

[BluesPower]

I generally agree with the other responses to this thread, and I would like to suggest the following course of action. Show this thread to your wife and ask her to read the whole thing, all the responses. When she is done, tell her you want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth right now, or she will find herself back in court – divorce court. If she comes clean, tell her that there had better not be any pertinent facts that come to light later. Whatever happens, you should be in a good position to decide your next move, divorce or reconciliation.

 

No this will not work... It sounds logical but it will not work.

 

She already lied to his face on multiple occasions. She is in deep and she feels entitled to a little extra sex and all the attention.

 

OP have to have conclusive evidence which includes but is not limited to, a VAR hidden in her car, a GPS also hidden in her car, recovering all the messages from her phone, hacking all email accounts and on and on.

 

Probably the quickest way is to hire a PI and have her followed for about 2 weeks. Then he will have the evidence that he needs to confront.

 

Cheaters like her always lie and always stay in the affair until they are caught and the cannot deny it because of the evidence.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I a fool for wanting to believe her?

 

No, you're not a fool for wanting to believe her. Every BS here felt exactly the same way.

 

She is however lying through her teeth. And people lie to protect what's important to them, which indicates substantial emotional equity in the relationship with her OM. You'd be best served by following the good advice you've already received - expose the affair to the workplace and spouses and let the chips fall where they may. The alternative is a lifetime of regret, self-recrimination and unhappiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MissCongeniality]

For me it is not his age but his position of authority over her and the role of her mentor that he was performing that makes this more egregious, making him come across as a predator. It is not illegal to have an affair in the workplace but it is illegal for someone in his position to use that authority over her to get her to have sex with him. She may want to consider filing an EEOC for sexual harassment against him.

 

I agree with you that none of this excuses her behavior and that she acted poorly. It's really easy to shut something like this down by telling your spouse, but she wanted to play and didn't tell her husband.

While I don't condone it either I will play devil's advocate. Say this mentor pursued her relentlessly maybe she feels ashamed. He was in a position of power likely had charm and I guarantee you she won't be the last he does this to. I'm just guessing and spit balling but showing her what a sleeze he really is will be punishment enough.

 

I have made more mistakes than I can count and I think given you have two children you need to make it clear that you were hurt and that if she wants to be part of your family she will end it. Ask her what matters more this obvious daddy issue induced mistake or being a mother.

 

What I want to stress is... YOU were not there WE were not there. Nobody on this forum knows you or her for all I know you could be jerk to her and you drove her away. Not making accusations I am just saying we do not know the whole story or you.

[Whatnotagain]

Predator may be a strong word, but he could have beeen the pursuer.

 

Look into the requirements for sexual harassment. There must be a threat of consequences or job loss (explicit or implied) for not being compliant. I believe you can also potentially succeed with a filing if you can prove that the environment in the office was hostile, as created by the defendant in retribution for non-compliance. Something like that. There is a time limit on filing though.

 

Sexual harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including but not limited to the following:

 

The victim as well as the harasser may be a woman or a man. The victim does not have to be of the opposite sex.

The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, an agent of the employer, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee.

The victim does not have to be the person harassed but could be anyone affected by the offensive conduct.

Unlawful sexual harassment may occur without economic injury to or discharge of the victim.

The harasser's conduct must be unwelcome.

 

There is a 45 day limit for filing an EEOC for sexual harassment from the time of the last unwanted interaction. But even then you can still file the claim which may allow you have access to a counselor, legal representation, etc. Then if the person harasses again, a new complaint can be filed and everything from the previous complaint becomes relevant, even though it is passed the 45 day limit.

[troubadour]

YOU were not there WE were not there. Nobody on this forum knows you or her for all I know you could be jerk to her and you drove her away. Not making accusations I am just saying we do not know the whole story or you.

 

 

I agree with MissCongeniality. Your wife's story makes no sense and everything seems to point toward full blown affair.... but we don't know what really happened.

 

In your particular case the easiest way to get the truth is hiring a shark attorney and, with his help, informing HR about what you discovered. Considering that OM is a prosecutor makes it a vey sensitive issue and I can assure you that they will take it very seriously. After all, there is a potential of a huge scandal and even greater lawsuite here.

 

This is a right thing to do in your situation.... or simply accept your current situation. Good luck!

[Southern Sun]

I keep going back to your original post, trying to figure out the timeline. The last thing I want to do is to convince you that your wife had some torrid affair when she MIGHT have told you the truth.

 

Everyone here will tell you that cheaters lie and when confronted, you will NOT get the full truth until you have irrefutable evidence. In my case, I spilled all the beans the second my husband asked me, and he didn't have anything. He suspected, he had a gut feeling, but he did not know. In fact, when I told him, it never crossed his mind that it was with my boss. He had no evidence of anything and I just sat there, mumbling out all the terrible truths: length of time, yes it was physical, no, I had no idea how many times we had sex, because it was too much to count. After all that, I still went back to the damn A.

 

Your post makes it sound like 1) you noticed your wife becoming a little distant towards the end of the trial; 2) you discovered one week's worth of explicit texting between her and the OM after the trial; and 3) she claims that about a week post-trial, the OM hit on her, and she was so scared she decided to play along until she could figure something out.

 

So are you saying that you caught them only a week into a potential affair?

 

If you saw a week's worth of texting, and it was all pretty explicit, then that surely was not the first of their communication. There was a warm-up. You don't just start with stuff like that. That was communication in the MIDDLE of an affair.

 

So had she been deleting her texts with him?

 

Have you gone back through your records and discovered more communication?

 

I have to assume that her distancing was occurring after the affair had started between them. Or, she had feelings for him before the affair started and is not being honest with you. Something doesn't ring true with this part. My point is - you felt something was off between you prior to when she said he hit on her. From what I can gather from your post.

 

The other issue is, you saw texts between them that discussed meeting privately in the office. I don't know what she's come clean to you about, but what do you think they were doing in those moments? Do you think she was still acting out of fear then?

 

I am torn with this. I guess my point is...if this "affair" only went on for a short time, then it's possible she didn't sleep with him. It's possible she was sort of coddling him until she could figure out her escape plan. It took quite a bit of warm-up before I ever let it get physical with my boss. But I will also say...I never texted him anything explicit UNTIL it was physical. EVER.

 

What is making me lean towards not believing her is the timing of her distancing, the sexually explicit texting that wouldn't have started from thin air, and the fact that she hid her secret meetings with him from you, even after telling you she was supposedly scared.

 

No, you are not a fool for wanting to believe her. We all want to believe the ones we love.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Myki, I would think that you have been given enough unvarnished opinions on the possibility of your wife having cheated on you both emotionally and physically. Opinions may vary but they all generally point to her infidelity. There is one fact that people seem to lose sight of and that is that your wife is a qualified lawyer who has been trained to look at facts closely and logically and then build a case for or against a particular client be he/ she a defendent or the complainant. My point here is that as a lawyer she has been trained to defend a case which by all indications seems indefensible. Here she is the defendant and she is arguing her case in her own defense. I don't think that you stand any real chance of being able to argue against her if you yourself are not a trained lawyer. Additionally, if she is getting advice from her OM who, ostensibly, is an experienced prosecutor and someone given to marshalling his facts to his own advantage, then you have a hope in hell of being able to break your wife. You can only do so with solid irrefutable proof.

 

What I want to ask you is that you have been given a plethora of converging opinions all pointing to your wife's infidelity and so WHAT are you going to do about it? You have already dithered for nine months after your wife's DDay and she may have very well taken her affair underground. Women ( and men) much less qualified than your wife in the field of law develop artful skills in being able to hide their affairs so you can expect your wife to have a leg up on the rest of the cheaters pack. By the way, I am surprised that there has'nt been a single response from you in all this while even though so many people have chimed in on your thread. I do hope you come back to respond to the good folk here. Warm wishes.

[drifter777]

Looks like OP is gone.

[Southern Sun]

Looks like OP is gone.

 

I hate that. I do still learn plenty by being on these boards, but I also hope I can help somebody through the dumb things I did. Maybe he will at least read.

 

OP...please keep posting, if you see this. It may seem overwhelming at first, but there are nuggets to be found, if you are willing.

[BluesPower]

Sorry guys, I understand that you are both trying to be devils advocate.

 

His wife is a liar about all of it. She was gas lighting her husband from the very beginning. He really wanted to believe her but deep down her never believed her. He just really wanted to.

 

How do we all know you ask? Because most of us have either had an affair or had a WS.

 

Everything, and I really mean everything, that she said and did were text book examples from the Cheaters Hand Book.

[Marc878]

I hate that. I do still learn plenty by being on these boards, but I also hope I can help somebody through the dumb things I did. Maybe he will at least read.

 

OP...please keep posting, if you see this. It may seem overwhelming at first, but there are nuggets to be found, if you are willing.

 

He like most just doesn't want to see the truth. Probably in deep denial.

 

 

That way he doesn't have to do anything but........

[WilyWill]

Sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately, this same story appears in this forum 1000 times. The young wife eager to please her boss/mentor. Usually it ends with the husband finding out that his wife did sexual things with the boss that she'd refused her husband. Things she claimed she "never liked." You need the truth from her. Things are going to get really ugly.

[NotCamelot]

Looks like another "one and done" poster.

[mae19681995]

Dear MyKiMaEz,

I can relate to her version of events. My husband and I have experienced infidelity and on my part, it was an emotional affair and not a physical affair. I too felt at the time as if I was just having fun and not realizing how the emotional affair was impacting me. I pulled away from my husband and it made our relationship suffer. You are not a fool for wanting to believe her. Most of this I did not realize till I went through counseling. My husband and I both did individual counseling as well as couples counseling and it really helped us. The way that men and women relate to each other is very different and I know for us at the time we did not know how to read each other’s signals. We learned through counseling that saying exactly what is on your mind is very cleansing and helps to be transparent which helps build trust and intimacy. I hope this help a little bit. My prayer and hope is that both of you would get into counseling.

[sandylee1]

I think a physical affair started during the trial. Her change in behaviour points to that, although there may well have been some flirting beforehand.

 

Whilst she was a willing participant... She may have genuinely thought about her career during the process and felt she couldn't rebuff him.

 

However, I would strongly suggest that her boundaries and general demeanour, gave him the green light to make his move.

 

When I sense a guy trying to get close, I talk about my husband and children and lots of family stuff. That gives the message, I'm not interested in that way, despite my friendly nature. Your wife didn't block him, and he grew confident.