My husband was pressured [into marrying me]

[Lavvylady]

I'm open to any reply. It won't hurt my feelings.

When I met my husband i was a single working mother ( rocking it by the way). He had never been married or had kids. He was 30 and I was 29 when we met. We hit it of pretty well. Got along great. He was extremely respectful of my time with my children and didn't meet them for a long while, which to me it good. When he finally met them they all got along great and still do.

 

Now all of these things are great. However, there may have been things that I wasn't seeing. Meaning I truly believe he may have been slightly pressured to marrying me.

Get ready, this will be long winded. When we began to date he wasn't someone who called/text a lot. No biggie, I'm a busy person too, so I couldn't talk and text all day either so I looked past it. Then I started noticing literally only roughly approximately 3 months into the relationship the text/calls go even further apart. Wouldn't hear a peep for at least 3 days or so. Keep in mind that I had been the one a lot who had to send the first text/Call for a while and thought I should not be the only one making an effort so I backed off a bit.

 

I don't like people who smother. So this started setting the time for our relationship. Other things happened. A particular incident, again it had been a couple of days since he'd reached out to me. Out of the blue he sends me a very sweet text. I told him thank you and how sweet it was. Didnt hear anything back. The next morning, I'm drinking my morning coffee and scrolling fb. I see that he had been tagged in a pic of him in a bar with both girl and guy friends. A few more pics of him dancing, and finished with him asleep in the back seat of a car. At this point in the relationship he had very opportunity to come visit the kids and I and chose that instead.

 

It's one of those things where you wanna be pissed but, don't want to be the needy, dump your friends girlfriend. So I looked passed it. I have friends too, but we don't see each other often because most of us out parents and crazy busy. But, no biggie, I enjoy hanging with my kids even more. Find out later that he has an ex girlfriend who later became just friends for years and years with him. Ok fine. Turns out that she's broken up almost all of his relationships.

 

I asked him once why she did something like that and he replied " well it wasn't working out real well with that gal anyways"........fast forward a month or so and she decided to cross me. I told him that I won't compete for a dude, and he's gonna have to nicely ask her to chill or I would have to rethink my situation because I don't think someone should expect you to put up with that. So anyways, he led me to believe he had talked to her and everything was cool. Turns out he just stopped speaking to get. I guess that's fun too but don't lie, and that seems a little cowardly to me. Again at the time, I didn't know he's never spoke with her. Another incident, we were hanging at his house and it was time for me to leave. My kids see their dad every other weekend and I needed to go get them. I get about a mile away after leavi n and my power steering goes out.

 

I texted him and told him. He replied " oh that sucks". I then called my children's father to say that I'm go on to be about 10 minutes late because of vehicle problems. He was nice enough to say, just go home and I'll bring them to you. He gets to my house and even was nice enough to take a quick peek at my car. Couple days later ( of course) boyfriend finally makes contact. Being a little put off by his action s I told him that I was able to make it home ok and my ex was nice enough to help. ( I can fix anything except a car.....its like watching a monkey do math). He didnt seemed phased. Again, I over looked it. He's a chill dude. Remember also that he is a nice person. Never hurt a fly, kind to everyone he meets, doesn't say bad word about anyone.

 

All of these things were what kept me attracted. Fast forward sometime. We were together and I started noticing his buddies, family giving him **** about not proposing to me. All of his friends, his siblings, cousins are all married. He's the last one. This goes on for a while. One night he proposes. I was ecstatic. I felt lucky to have such a kind man in my life. His family though us a party, and people patted him on the back and said " didn't think you'd ever do it". Didn't think much of it at the time. Just thought I must be very special to him. Fast forward. We get married. Beautiful wedding, fun reception, great honeymoon. A couple months go by and I'm hanging with his dad and he was telling me " well you finally got him to settle down" ( he says this as he's laughing and teasing) I go along but think that in no way did I push a marriage because I want him to want it as much as me.

 

So his dad says " about a week before he proposed I had a talk with him about what is he waiting for, and that he needs to hurry it up". So I find out that my father in law pick the date of the proposal, paid for our fancy dinner that evening and my mother in law pick the ring. Maybe not a big deal to some but, I thought he did it because he wanted to. So now we're married. We aren't fighter, we still get along pretty good. But, we aren't intimate. Not even close. No deep discussions, no sex. He know this stuff bothers me but, hasn't really wanted to help me to fix it. It's so strange now. Texting or calling through out the day is pretty well non existent. I'm used to it now. Any other incident. I went to have a girl night with 2 friends, dinner, drinks. I didn't get home till midnight, and I left the house at 5. He was gone all morning and didn't even know I'd left.

 

He never called to check on me, never said hey worried. Of course this didn't register till the next day with me because im blind apparently. Another incident. We live in a neighborhood that is pretty tight knit. He was with the guys and I was hanging with the ladies. He and I had plans to have dinner together as soon as he was done helping so and so with something. He said an hour. I have him an hour and a half and called and asked if he was finished. They wet indeed finished, but he said that they had started having a few beers and now he didn't really want to go into town. So there's that.

 

So the whole point of my novel was.....what the he'll is this?!?!?! I really need prospective. Is he just not into the one he married? He caved to the pressure to get married? He's still nice to me, great provider, but something is missing. Clearly I ignored some red flags. But if someone has been through this and can help explain that would be good. Or a man that has done this and can explain??

 

I would appreciate it so much. I just want to understand. Don't worry about my feelings. I'm asking you guys because my friends just sugar coat everything and I don't want that. Also yes I have expressed all these things with him and he debts, or his answer is dunno and I move on cause I know I've got a brick wall. Please help.

Edited March 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[Lavvylady]

Sorry about all the spelling and grammar errors. My phone won't let me edit.

[PegNosePete]

Well I was about to suggest you sit him down and have a serious talk with him but it seems you've already tried that...

I have expressed all these things with him and he debts, or his answer is dunno and I move on cause I know I've got a brick wall. Please help.

So I'd now suggest you try it again. This time don't move on. Tell him that you're unhappy in the marriage and that if you're going to continue to be a part of it, you need things to improve and for him to not brick wall you, and give you some proper answers. Start with easy yes/no questions then move on from there.

 

"Do you want to make this marriage work?"

"Are you happy with the way things are in this marriage?"

"Do you think I am happy in this marriage the way things are?"

"Why?"

 

Let him know that his marriage is at stake here. Marriage counselling may help but he needs to be 100% invested in making it work first. That means he has to put in effort too. You can't do all the heavy lifting by yourself.

 

To be honest at this point it sounds as though he really doesn't care too much if the marriage falls apart. He's acting like a single guy anyway. With a talk like this and MC you may be able to save it but you need to be ready for the possibility that it may be too late.

 

Good luck!

[Lavvylady]

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you. However, we've had these talks. I've cried and begged for answers. He seems to shut down. He said that he does love me but, of course his actions are just so strange. Or after the talk he will asked ok for about 2 weeks then it goes back how it's always been. After some talks he said " I feel like such an *******". He's not going to admit much. Just need a read on the behavior.

[Els]

I'm sorry to read this, OP. Friends and family might be well-meaning with their pressure, but it doesn't change the fact that it somewhat backfires a lot of the time. This is sadly a good demonstration of that.

 

Unfortunately, nobody but him can give you the answers you seek. And it seems like he isn't motivated to search himself for them. Rather than begging him, have you laid down all of YOUR thoughts on the line? What you heard from his parents, what you think about the current state of your relationship, what you might have to do if things don't improve?

[Redhead14]

Well, if you had come here when you first started dating him and told us how it all started, I would have told you that the guy had low interest at best and/or just a very lazy dater and to move on. I think his behavior/attitude now is exactly the same as your dating pattern/history. He hasn't changed.

 

Nevertheless, you two got to the point of marrying. Pressure or not, he is an adult and made the decision to marry you. You two have the obligation of putting in the effort to make it work -- that is what commitment is about.

 

That being said, if he refuses to pick up his end of things, you should file for divorce. This will be a lonely and unfulfilling relationship. That is a deal breaker. If you need to do this, do it now before there are children. It would be very unfair and selfish to allow that to happen when the environment is unstable. You may not be fighting now, etc. and getting along pretty well, but trust me, your unhappiness and resentment will build. The fact that you are feeling the way you are feeling right now, makes this an unstable home.

[PegNosePete]

after the talk he will asked ok for about 2 weeks then it goes back how it's always been

Then, you need to show him the consequences of continuing to ignore your needs in the marriage. There's no point continuing to flog a horse if it's dead.

 

Tell him that you are not happy in the marriage and if things don't change permanently, then you will be filing for divorce. He has had plenty of warnings. This shouldn't be coming "out of nowhere" for him. You've told him how you feel many times before and he has continually ignored that.

 

And if things don't change, file.

[Lavvylady]

Thank you everyone. It's nice to have good insight. Sometime when your the one in the situation it's hard to see things clearly. I'm amazed at myself for not seeing any of this. I believe that he is s good person. But, even good people can be with the wrong person. I completely think he settled for me. Looking back ( from what I know) his last relationships fizzled out. He only lived with one other girl and she cheated and left. Of course people want to look at people like her and judge. I don't condone that but, I can see how she became lonely in her relationship and did something huge like that. I know of other gals that dumped him pretty quickly. I can see why now, knowing how he handles things. I think I'm just going to have to admit that I'm the one that didn't leave, and the pressure ( even if they were well meaning) from friends and family pushed him. Add my inability to see it and you have us.

[Lavvylady]

Starting to get a little pissed now. I must've appear desperate. When really I wasn't.

[Redhead14]

Thank you everyone. It's nice to have good insight. Sometime when your the one in the situation it's hard to see things clearly. I'm amazed at myself for not seeing any of this. I believe that he is s good person. But, even good people can be with the wrong person. I completely think he settled for me. Looking back ( from what I know) his last relationships fizzled out. He only lived with one other girl and she cheated and left. Of course people want to look at people like her and judge. I don't condone that but, I can see how she became lonely in her relationship and did something huge like that. I know of other gals that dumped him pretty quickly. I can see why now, knowing how he handles things. I think I'm just going to have to admit that I'm the one that didn't leave, and the pressure ( even if they were well meaning) from friends and family pushed him. Add my inability to see it and you have us.

 

I can see how she became lonely in her relationship and did something huge like that -- You are seeing both history and your future with him . . . he is the same person all those other women dated.

[Lavvylady]

That's a well made point.

[Lavvylady]

For the sake of curiosity. Does anyone have any idea why a man would settle? Other than the more common reasons like pregnancy etc. He didn't have any pressure from me. We both owned our own homes, have good careers, etc. So there was no reason we needed financial help from someone. Also the women he dated before me wouldve gladly become his wife. Maybe important to note, they were all blonde, tall, and " country ". I'm short with black hair and as city as it gets. I had no reason to be with him except that I loved him and believe him to be the one. Him on the other hand....i don't know.

Do you think he settled because he had already lost some great women and figured he'd marry me because i stuck around and I'm good enough.

[Redhead14]

For the sake of curiosity. Does anyone have any idea why a man would settle? Other than the more common reasons like pregnancy etc. He didn't have any pressure from me. We both owned our own homes, have good careers, etc. So there was no reason we needed financial help from someone. Also the women he dated before me wouldve gladly become his wife. Maybe important to note, they were all blonde, tall, and " country ". I'm short with black hair and as city as it gets. I had no reason to be with him except that I loved him and believe him to be the one. Him on the other hand....i don't know.

Do you think he settled because he had already lost some great women and figured he'd marry me because i stuck around and I'm good enough.

 

Does anyone have any idea why a man would settle? -- You said he was pressured into marrying you . . . not that he "settled". If he was pressured by his family and he "caved", it means he's an incomplete/whole person who is not able to evaluate and make decisions for himself. It means he's immature and lazy. And, his behavior with you since the marriage demonstrates that very well.

Do you think he settled because he had already lost some great women and figured he'd marry me because i stuck around and I'm good enough. -- Sweetie, given this guy's approach with you and behavior now, I think you're asking the wrong question. The real question is why did/are you settling for him? I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to evaluate this scenario from the inside out, not focusing on what's in/was in HIS head.

 

I'm good enough. -- You are too good for him . . . and, if he had a brain in his head, he'd be treating you that way.

 

I'm hearing some very negative self-talk going on here . . .

[Lavvylady]

I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing myself. I believe he settled. I don't think he can even interpret his own feelings so he's not the person that could realize this. Then of course there was the pressure. When I say good enough I'm meaning that's what I believe had happened. I don't worry about not being good enough for someone. But, I'm a little pissed that it was happening under my nose and I didn't notice. You have great insight.

[Redhead14]

I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing myself. I believe he settled. I don't think he can even interpret his own feelings so he's not the person that could realize this. Then of course there was the pressure. When I say good enough I'm meaning that's what I believe had happened. I don't worry about not being good enough for someone. But, I'm a little pissed that it was happening under my nose and I didn't notice. You have great insight.

 

I don't think he can even interpret his own feelings -- Very low EQ. And, if he isn't in touch with his feelings, he can't understand or respect yours. There isn't empathy.

 

But, I'm a little pissed that it was happening under my nose and I didn't notice -- Sometimes people operate on auto-pilot in a relationship because they don't really want to focus on their feelings. But, at some point, for various reasons, that coping mechanism starts breaking down and they start seeing reality and feeling those feelings and seeing things for what they really are.

[somanymistakes]

For the sake of curiosity. Does anyone have any idea why a man would settle?

 

Not speaking for your circumstances here, just someone else I know...

 

Because neither of them was getting any younger, and if they wanted kids, they needed to make up their minds and get on with it.

Because she was nice and they got along well enough and it didn't seem like it would be bad.

Because he cared about her and didn't have any particular reason to leave her, so when faced with the question of "marriage or breakup" he picked marriage.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Why did you settle for him and his lack of attentiveness and lack of caring? That's my question.

 

I get that you think he's nice. (I don't think his lack of caring is at all nice, it is negligence and neglect, but that's beside the point.) Why did you feel just nice (in your opinion) was enough for you to settle? I'll bet your mailman is nice, and your children's teachers, your local garbage man, your pastor and about a bajillion other men. Basic lazy pleasantness is not what typically makes people say, "This is the person for me!" or else we'd all just basically close our eyes, throw a dart in public and whatever opposite sex non-ax murderer it fell upon may as well be our spouse.

 

He will never change permanently because he can't force himself to be into you. But my question remains. Why did YOU decide to settle for the guy?

[dichotomy]

So you dont have kids together right ? How into your kids is he ? How is he as a dad(step)?

 

So your still fairly newly married and having no sex (or little right now)? Is that right ? You are pretty young to go without a good sex life.

 

My guess is he is just not that into you. He may not be a mean person, but he may not have loved anyone yet - and I dont get the sense he does really love you. He might care, or like you alot, but love? Love is a verb, its a choice, and action. You should be able to list any number of loving acts of giving and sacrifice to us - I dont see any.

 

Yes men (and women) can go into things - just following the flow. I have seen plenty of people go into careers, college, marriage, kids - just because thats the direction things seem to go. Also sometimes because your feeling its now or never

[Mr. Lucky]

So your still fairly newly married and having no sex (or little right now)? Is that right ? You are pretty young to go without a good sex life.

 

My guess is he is just not that into you. He may not be a mean person, but he may not have loved anyone yet - and I dont get the sense he does really love you. He might care, or like you alot, but love? Love is a verb, its a choice, and action. You should be able to list any number of loving acts of giving and sacrifice to us - I dont see any.

 

^^ Agreed.

 

Not sure why you're focused on the "settling" part, you should be more concerned about the current state of your marriage. Even had he been the most attentive suitor in the world, his inability to actively participate in a relationship - apparently both emotionally and physically - does not bode well.

 

As dichotomy pointed out, very little visible connection between the two of you. Have you suggested MC? I'd start start actively thinking fix or split...

 

Mr. Lucky