You Put On Quite A Show....

[TheBathWater]

I had a date with a guy I met on Okcupid. He was texting me off the hook everyday for a week until we meet, pouring on the compliments...almost like he was putting me on a pedestal... it was over the top to say the least

 

I went on the date Monday night. Omg, I thought it went SO well. We really connected on an emotional/mental level. He read me like a book and was SO sweet. Just the things he said really hit home with me and made me feel like I had met someone really special, someone who had a soul like mine

 

He texted me to make sure I got home safe and told me what a great time he had and how gorgeous he thought I was. Then the next day I got a weird feeling. He sent me a good morning text but it wasnt his usual gushy over the top text. I texted back a simple good morning as I usually did

 

Then today...crickets

 

My gut is usually spot on when it comes to dating and I knew he was dropping of the radar. I'm def not chasing after him so it is what it is

 

I just want to know why men (and women) do this. Why do they put on such a show and lay it on so thick only to disappear

 

If I'm not feeling a guy on a date, I'm nice...but I'm certainly not gushing over him because I know I'm not interested. I'm also not putting the blame on myself because I didnt do anything wrong or misrepresent myself

 

Guys I've dated for months or even years have done this. Have acted like they really cared for me and loved me only to disappear or cheat

 

This kind of thing reminds me of the quote,

 

"The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intention of loving her."

 

I dont get it....

 

Was his name Andrew? Sounds just like this guy I know (and lives in New England).

 

In any case, whoever it is, the people who "put on a show" in this way but have an empty follow through are essentially performing a persona rather than being themselves. It's all about their feeling more powerful and comfortable in a role that is not congruent with how they really feel. This is narcissism at its finest.

 

You dodged a bullet with this guy.

[NuevoYorko]

The guy laid it on too thick, but for your part, you bought all in.

 

He said you were gorgeous, he "read you like a book" (upon a second meeting? Really?) This is way more meaningful to you than it should be.

 

All you need to be thinking about is how you're feeling about the guy, and developing some self awareness. You are very predictable about responding to cliche button pushing. A few catch phrases and you seem to be completely incapacitated from objectively sizing up a man. This makes you an easy mark for lazy or player type men, and seems to blind you to character flaws that coming on so strongly may indicate.

 

As for him, he may have liked you, and may like you now. But do you like HIM, or are you mainly buying into flattery?

[Silverstring]

The question is OP, why did you like a guy with "good game" and who "layed it on thick"? These should be flags, not attractors!

[jgraham11]

This whole thread gives me anxiety towards the texting game. Any and everything can be analyzed in a million different ways

[bluefeather]

This whole thread gives me anxiety towards the texting game. Any and everything can be analyzed in a million different ways

 

Then don't text. Anxiety be gone!

[jgraham11]

Then don't text. Anxiety be gone!

 

Wish it was that easy. Ever try calling someone under the age of 30? They think you're an outcast

[bluefeather]

Wish it was that easy. Ever try calling someone under the age of 30? They think you're an outcast

 

I always do, and no they don't.

[jgraham11]

I always do, and no they don't.

 

Well I don't know who you've been with, but the people i've dated have only ever texted. Unless you really know the person and have been dating for awhile then calling is more common. Early in the dating phase? It's rare to be calling

[bluefeather]

Well I don't know who you've been with, but the people i've dated have only ever texted. Unless you really know the person and have been dating for awhile then calling is more common. Early in the dating phase? It's rare to be calling

 

We were on the phone the night we started chatting. Had phone convos for a few weeks and date is coming up. She's early twenties.

 

No more derailing.

[jgraham11]

We were on the phone the night we started chatting. Had phone convos for a few weeks and date is coming up. She's early twenties.

 

No more derailing.

 

Listen that's great and I envy that, but I have to stand by what I said. It's still very rare, didn't say it never happens, just rare

[bluefeather]

Listen that's great and I envy that, but I have to stand by what I said. It's still very rare, didn't say it never happens, just rare

 

I'm not saying it to make you envious, but if you want to discuss the idea of the rarity you believe in, I suggest making a thread.

[jgraham11]

I'm not saying it to make you envious, but if you want to discuss the idea of the rarity you believe in, I suggest making a thread.

 

What? I'm not making a thread about that. A simple google search on that question will give you a good sample size

[bluefeather]

:eye twitch:

Apologies, Dis. I'm shutting up about this now

[selinaluv]

I think the point though here in this thread is that this guy was all about it in the beginning and has pretty much done a 180. That is never a good sign. She reached out and his response was lukewarm with no effort to continue the conversation.

 

She could do so, but he could also be stepping up his game like he had prior. There is nothing to analyze because he isn't texting or calling or anything at this point (unless there is an update).

 

I would cut bait here and not waste anymore time. If he reaches out, she can reassess.

[jgraham11]

I think the point though here in this thread is that this guy was all about it in the beginning and has pretty much done a 180. That is never a good sign. She reached out and his response was lukewarm with no effort to continue the conversation.

 

She could do so, but he could also be stepping up his game like he had prior. There is nothing to analyze because he isn't texting or calling or anything at this point (unless there is an update).

 

I would cut bait here and not waste anymore time. If he reaches out, she can reassess.

 

Of course, got a little sidetracked. Sorry OP

[Dis]

I think the point though here in this thread is that this guy was all about it in the beginning and has pretty much done a 180. That is never a good sign. She reached out and his response was lukewarm with no effort to continue the conversation.

 

She could do so, but he could also be stepping up his game like he had prior. There is nothing to analyze because he isn't texting or calling or anything at this point (unless there is an update).

 

I would cut bait here and not waste anymore time. If he reaches out, she can reassess.

 

I didnt reach out to him. He reached out to me to say good morning. I replied, Good morning and that was it. He fell off the radar.

 

I dont take the lead in the beginning stages of dating. If a guy doesnt want to pursue me....its off

 

From the feeling I'm getting now...he isnt worth my time...I'm not reaching out....the writing is on the wall. I might make mistakes with guys but I'm not the type to need an answer from a guy...esp after one date. After every break up I had I never sought answers from an ex. This was one date so I dont need or want an explaination from him

[Dis]

Did none of your instincts kick in at the point before you met where he was blowing up your phone and putting you on a pedestal?

 

That is the point I would have put the breaks on and declined to meet him.

 

Anyone blowing my phone up and seemingly liking me so much before meeting is just not realistic or normal. You simply can't like someone that much before you've met them.

 

What is obvious - and it is up to you to take or leave any advice but I've suggested a book to you a few times now titled 'Aunty Alex's Army Manual - Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them' (later in the title in mentions Narcissists - I wish it didn't as I hate when people try to diagnose others) but if you had read that book I don't think you would have gone on this date at all.

I think you, as I would, would have killed this dead when he was blowing up your phone and saying things that were too good to be true.

 

You seem like a lovely lady and I really would love to see you in a great relationship but meeting guys requires a bit of learning about behaviours and also acting upon instincts rather than ignoring them. It's the 'not fun' part of dating but is just as essential as being attracted.

At the end of the day the most important person in a relationship is you.

 

To Gemma and the others who mentioned his red flags from the beginning....

 

I did not ignore them. I saw those red flags waving. When he would say, "You're in incredible human being." "Those big, kind eyes are so mezmerizing" etc etc

 

I honestly thought....WTF?!

 

I did alarm me and I knew he very well could be a love bomber or a narcissist. I talked to my gfs about it and they said it was sweet. In my mind I was thinking...ummm no, no its not

 

I thought it was incredibly odd that he was saying these things to me without knowing me. It was a little off putting and def set my alarm bells off

 

The reasons why I went on the date anyway:

 

#1-If I passed up on every guy who gave me pause for thought....the pickings would be slim. I've talked about this before but these types of guys flock to me. Having said that, I totally take responsibility for entertaining them even though I've improved my picking skills and pass on tons of douche bags on OLD everyday. Its just hard to weed them all out when most of the guys who message me are these particular types

 

#2-Its one date. I think Nuevo said I fell for this lines and that wasnt smart but the only time I felt attraction to him was on the date when we had great convo going on and seemed to vibe well. I didnt fall for his pre-meeting texts. I've been through this type of thing too many times to be that stupid

 

#3- If he did turn out to be a douche (I knew that was a possiblity) I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. Its one date.

 

I made a thread how I need to start dating different guys....to steer clear of the love bombers and narcissists. Having dated these types for 4 years....it takes time to break that pattern but I'm trying!

 

Gemma I'm ordering that book on amazon. You're advice always hits home with me and I really do try to listen to it. Its just frustrating because no matter how hard I try...I keep f****ing up!!!!

 

At least the last two I dated it didnt go past the second date. Progress. The old me wouldve fallen for their sweet talking hook line and sinker and gotten in to a relationship with them

 

I'm making progress...it just takes time

 

I feel defeated anyway though

[Dis]

You're getting somewhere. You mention the behavior and how it made you feel. Badly.

 

Now go one step further and stop looking for his motivations. It's almost seems like you are looking for a way to make excuses for it. He is not a close relative that you have to deal with. He is a stranger who has made you feel bad. Write him off and be done with it.

 

Thanks Jj

 

I used to be so focused on what the guy thought of me and if he liked me or if he didnt

 

Long gone are those days

 

I think it speaks to a persons lack of character to come on so strong only to bow out...I dont want anything to do with those types

 

I know what I deserve from a man based on what I have to give. I wont settle for less

 

Even if he texted me, I'd pass and wouldnt say a word

 

He's already in my spam folder though so....

[jgraham11]

Thanks Jj

 

I used to be so focused on what the guy thought of me and if he liked me or if he didnt

 

Long gone are those days

 

I think it speaks to a persons lack of character to come on so strong only to bow out...I dont want anything to do with those types

 

I know what I deserve from a man based on what I have to give. I wont settle for less

 

Even if he texted me, I'd pass and wouldnt say a word

 

He's already in my spam folder though so....

 

 

Maybe you're right to cut this guy out, maybe you're not it's hard to really know for sure

 

Not trying to patronize you, but just try to have patience in the future. It sounds like you might be a little quick to pull the trigger at times (just from what i've read)

[VeveCakes]

Hi blue

 

Ya I totally get what your saying but its a gut feeling...its done

 

Plus he went from texting incessantly to nothing in the past 36 hours

 

I wont be hearing from him again

 

I dont like that massive shift in communication...it doesnt seem stable or reliable to me

 

It's called love bombing.

 

It's a red flag.

 

He's probably avoidant type.

[NuevoYorko]

Wish it was that easy. Ever try calling someone under the age of 30? They think you're an outcast

 

You can text just to set things up, but avoid establishing a flirtatious rapport through it. Texting and email, and even the phone to an extent contribute to a false intimacy developing between people who have yet to meet. IMO keep it down to nuts and bolts until you actually meet and see what the interest level and actual potential is.

[jgraham11]

You can text just to set things up, but avoid establishing a flirtatious rapport through it. Texting and email, and even the phone to an extent contribute to a false intimacy developing between people who have yet to meet. IMO keep it down to nuts and bolts until you actually meet and see what the interest level and actual potential is.

 

Oh I 100% agree with that. I just meant in the early stages of dating I never have called much/received calls on the phone. I don't know anyone who has either

[NuevoYorko]

To Gemma and the others who mentioned his red flags from the beginning....

 

I did not ignore them. I saw those red flags waving. When he would say, "You're in incredible human being." "Those big, kind eyes are so mezmerizing" etc etc

 

I honestly thought....WTF?!

 

I did alarm me and I knew he very well could be a love bomber or a narcissist. I talked to my gfs about it and they said it was sweet. In my mind I was thinking...ummm no, no its not

 

I thought it was incredibly odd that he was saying these things to me without knowing me. It was a little off putting and def set my alarm bells off

 

Except, you started off this thread with:

 

Omg, I thought it went SO well. We really connected on an emotional/mental level. He read me like a book and was SO sweet. Just the things he said really hit home with me and made me feel like I had met someone really special, someone who had a soul like mine

 

For the record, I don't think you made a mistake going on a date with him, since you were so drawn to him. I do think that you need to rein yourself back from reacting to flattery about your appearance and jumping to the "soul like mine" place when you meet a guy.

 

This isn't about the guy, whether he's a narcissist, love bombing, a player, whatever. He is just a cypher in this situation. It's about how you respond to behaviors in ways that are not in your own best interests.

 

When you feel interested in a guy, just sit back and let him show you who he is. Observe. This includes taking stock of his communication style and consistency. Falling hard for cliche flattery and creating your own romantic fantasies are getting in your way.

[Dis]

Just something about you and men are not going anywhere to the next level?

 

Yup. The last few guys I've dated it didnt go anywhere past the 2nd or 3rd date

 

I dont know why but it freaks me out to think about it...it scares me thinking what if it'll be this way forever??

 

Does anyone think theres a reason for this or is it just bad luck?

[Gr8fuln2020]

To add to this: I think these guys online think that it's such a race or quest to get that first date, which I can sort of understand, considering that they think the women may flake or find another guy or drop off for no reason. So then after they have the first date and they think you're finally a real prospect and their adrenaline levels drop and the competition factor which was driving them before dies down. It's almost like they experience a "girl grab" but they don't even stop to see if they really want the girl or evaluate whether they are ready to do the dating or courting ritual, let alone have a relationship.

 

Well, I had a guy just today say in this first message to me: Hey, do you have time to meet up?

 

That is too much too soon for me. How about a hello or what's your name or ANY type of warm up conversation? A phone call before meeting? Something!

 

I believe it has a lot to do with the online world we all enjoy and belong. Many more opportunities in the convenience of our homes w/o ever taking a step outside. I know that when I date, I prioritize and also know that women are bombarded with messages, options. Getting that date as quickly as possible is crucial, so no wonder guys, especially, like to lay it on thick and try to set something up quickly.

 

It's the nature of things. The most difficult thing for many people to do is turn oneself off form OLD once they've found someone of interest and potential. A part of us all want to make certain we've made the right decision, so part of us holds onto our accounts in the event the better match materializes. It sucks.