You Put On Quite A Show....

[Jj66]

I believe it has a lot to do with the online world we all enjoy and belong. Many more opportunities in the convenience of our homes w/o ever taking a step outside. I know that when I date, I prioritize and also know that women are bombarded with messages, options. Getting that date as quickly as possible is crucial, so no wonder guys, especially, like to lay it on thick and try to set something up quickly.

 

It's the nature of things. The most difficult thing for many people to do is turn oneself off form OLD once they've found someone of interest and potential. A part of us all want to make certain we've made the right decision, so part of us holds onto our accounts in the event the better match materializes. It sucks.

 

With OLD everyone is hunting for unicorns. This used to only happen in the big cities. Now it happens everywhere.

[KBob]

Does anyone think theres a reason for this or is it just bad luck?

 

Every woman I was involved with last year ended up being some type of headache for me, but I know that hasn't and won't always be the case.

 

Sometimes you just have a run of bad luck.

[Gr8fuln2020]

With OLD everyone is hunting for unicorns. This used to only happen in the big cities. Now it happens everywhere.

 

I agree. For those of us who have had failed past relationships to embitter us, I think it becomes even more urgent to 'make certain' we are not coupled w/ someone who will return us to uneasiness. My MO is always to delete my account once I have IDed someone I have decided to pursue a LTR with.

 

It can be a little depressing. You just know if the person you are bringing into your world was a victim or the perpetrator of a past failed relationship and whether that person has moved on from it. Egad.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Every woman I was involved with last year ended up being some type of headache for me, but I know that hasn't and won't always be the case.

 

Sometimes you just have a run of bad luck.

 

Every woman last year? How many?

[bluefeather]

My MO is always to delete my account once I have IDed someone I have decided to pursue a LTR with.

 

Is that, like, when it was mutually decided? or..?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Is that, like, when it was mutually decided? or..?

 

You know, I have never requested that there be reciprocity in this. Once the discussion is had and we have agreed to be a couple, I simple close my account. I don't have a need to check-up and if she does, she'll see that I am off.

 

I consider myself a great catch for any lady who wants a healthy relationship. I simply do my best to show that and let her follow suit, if she thinks I'm worth it.

[jgraham11]

I agree. For those of us who have had failed past relationships to embitter us, I think it becomes even more urgent to 'make certain' we are not coupled w/ someone who will return us to uneasiness. My MO is always to delete my account once I have IDed someone I have decided to pursue a LTR with.

 

It can be a little depressing. You just know if the person you are bringing into your world was a victim or the perpetrator of a past failed relationship and whether that person has moved on from it. Egad.

 

Actually I'm the same way. I always feel like that gets taken the wrong way, but if I have intentions of being serious I don't need the dating account anymore until it's needed

[Cookies101]

I dont like that massive shift in communication...it doesnt seem stable or reliable to me

 

I don't think it's reliable either. I had something similiar, and believe me, you're better off following your instincts instead of buying into this chaotic BS. I'd trust my instincts if i were you, they're usually right. The reason you haven't heard from his is that he's probably buttering up his next prospect.

 

Take care.

[bluefeather]

You know, I have never requested that there be reciprocity in this. Once the discussion is had and we have agreed to be a couple, I simple close my account. I don't have a need to check-up and if she does, she'll see that I am off.

 

I consider myself a great catch for any lady who wants a healthy relationship. I simply do my best to show that and let her follow suit, if she thinks I'm worth it.

 

Fair enough. For a minute there, it just sounded like you close your account whenever you find someone you want to have an LTR with.. lol

[KBob]

Every woman last year? How many?

 

Four.

 

By involved with I don't mean 1 or 2 dates, either. There were a few of those that weren't bad, they just didn't go anywhere.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Fair enough. For a minute there, it just sounded like you close your account whenever you find someone you want to have an LTR with.. lol

 

Ack, I'm not THAT confident or good looking.

[Dis]

Every woman I was involved with last year ended up being some type of headache for me, but I know that hasn't and won't always be the case.

 

Sometimes you just have a run of bad luck.

 

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one

 

Thanks for empathizing with me K

 

Sometimes I think I'm doomed

[jgraham11]

Ack, I'm not THAT confident or good looking.

 

I wouldn't say it's a confidence thing though. I can see why you would say that, but look at it from the other perspective. So many women are worried about what other girls guys might be seeing. Maybe putting the OLD profile on the backburner earlier than normal would be a good idea. It sounds like you do that anyway (or earlier than most) but just saying I don't know if it has so much to do with confidence as it does say.. maybe a perspective for the person you're dating

[Gr8fuln2020]

I wouldn't say it's a confidence thing though. I can see why you would say that, but look at it from the other perspective. So many women are worried about what other girls guys might be seeing. Maybe putting the OLD profile on the backburner earlier than normal would be a good idea. It sounds like you do that anyway (or earlier than most) but just saying I don't know if it has so much to do with confidence as it does say.. maybe a perspective for the person you're dating

 

Of course. I was joking earlier. I just don't want to add to the complexity of dating by keeping a profile up when the decision to be a couple has been made.

[jgraham11]

Of course. I was joking earlier. I just don't want to add to the complexity of dating by keeping a profile up when the decision to be a couple has been made.

 

 

 

Yeah there's that TOO! It just gives people another thing to be paranoid about

[Jj66]

When I suggested we delete tinder, my gf told me she would delete hers but said I should keep mine so she wouldn't [take me for granted] .

 

I told her if I need an active tinder profile to keep her from taking me for granted then it wasn't going to last nearly as long as I hope. I'm deleting it. Just don't take me for granted and we'll be fine.

[jgraham11]

When I suggested we delete tinder, my gf told me she would delete hers but said I should keep mine so she wouldn't [take me for granted] .

 

I told her if I need an active tinder profile to keep her from taking me for granted then it wasn't going to last nearly as long as I hope. I'm deleting it. Just don't take me for granted and we'll be fine.

 

Hmmm, I'm not sure how I would have responded to that myself to be honest haha

[act00]

When I suggested we delete tinder, my gf told me she would delete hers but said I should keep mine so she wouldn't [take me for granted] .

 

I told her if I need an active tinder profile to keep her from taking me for granted then it wasn't going to last nearly as long as I hope. I'm deleting it. Just don't take me for granted and we'll be fine.

 

Wow. I don't even know where to go with that one. Good luck! What kind of crazymaking that you need to keep your profile open to keep herself in check. Does she have no boundaries?

[Jj66]

Her literal words: keep tinder to give me incentive. I filled in the rest: incentive not to take me for granted. She confirmed that is what she meant.

 

She deleted Tinder that day.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Her literal words: keep tinder to give me incentive. I filled in the rest: incentive not to take me for granted. She confirmed that is what she meant.

 

She deleted Tinder that day.

 

Good luck Jj66, but she sounds like someone who is prone to muddying up boundaries. I would not have much confidence in a relationship with her and take things VERY slowly.

[Jj66]

Good luck Jj66, but she sounds like someone who is prone to muddying up boundaries. I would not have much confidence in a relationship with her and take things VERY slowly.

 

We have been together a year now. I have discoveted that she has an avoidant attachment style. Back then she thought it might be good to keep the threat of someone else capruring my interest hanging over her head in order to keep her focused. I thought that was just crazy talk so I didn't comply.

 

Fast forward a year and things have gone 180 degrees. She would have a big problem if I were still on tinder. She's much more worried about me leaving her than her taking me for granted. She told me she was staying in the area for her next job because of me, so please don't leave her.

[Jj66]

Back on topic. In summary.

 

Dis has been love bombed.

OLD sucks

 

She should just write this joker off.

[Gr8fuln2020]

We have been together a year now. I have discoveted that she has an avoidant attachment style. Back then she thought it might be good to keep the threat of someone else capruring my interest hanging over her head in order to keep her focused. I thought that was just crazy talk so I didn't comply.

 

Fast forward a year and things have gone 180 degrees. She would have a big problem if I were still on tinder. She's much more worried about me leaving her than her taking me for granted. She told me she was staying in the area for her next job because of me, so please don't leave her.

 

Fantastic! Good luck!

[GemmaUK]

To Gemma and the others who mentioned his red flags from the beginning....

 

I did not ignore them. I saw those red flags waving. When he would say, "You're in incredible human being." "Those big, kind eyes are so mezmerizing" etc etc

 

I honestly thought....WTF?!

 

I did alarm me and I knew he very well could be a love bomber or a narcissist. I talked to my gfs about it and they said it was sweet. In my mind I was thinking...ummm no, no its not

 

I thought it was incredibly odd that he was saying these things to me without knowing me. It was a little off putting and def set my alarm bells off

 

The reasons why I went on the date anyway:

 

#1-If I passed up on every guy who gave me pause for thought....the pickings would be slim. I've talked about this before but these types of guys flock to me. Having said that, I totally take responsibility for entertaining them even though I've improved my picking skills and pass on tons of douche bags on OLD everyday. Its just hard to weed them all out when most of the guys who message me are these particular types

 

#2-Its one date. I think Nuevo said I fell for this lines and that wasnt smart but the only time I felt attraction to him was on the date when we had great convo going on and seemed to vibe well. I didnt fall for his pre-meeting texts. I've been through this type of thing too many times to be that stupid

 

#3- If he did turn out to be a douche (I knew that was a possiblity) I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. Its one date.

 

I made a thread how I need to start dating different guys....to steer clear of the love bombers and narcissists. Having dated these types for 4 years....it takes time to break that pattern but I'm trying!

 

Gemma I'm ordering that book on amazon. You're advice always hits home with me and I really do try to listen to it. Its just frustrating because no matter how hard I try...I keep f****ing up!!!!

 

At least the last two I dated it didnt go past the second date. Progress. The old me wouldve fallen for their sweet talking hook line and sinker and gotten in to a relationship with them

 

I'm making progress...it just takes time

 

I feel defeated anyway though

 

I'm so glad you've got the book on order - it really is very good and very funny too!

It's something that help you recognise flags but alos know when to act upon them because the flags will give you big big hints on how things are likely to pan out.

 

I'm going to sound blunt here but with respect you 'noticed' his blowing up your phone (btw that and him saying all his ex's were crazy - put together those are the type of flags you run from immediately - as for those signs giving you a good idea of things to come should you date the guy - that's all in the book and there are less variables than you would think) but you yourself chose not to do anything for yourself about it.

This is why people are saying you ignored the flags - you did spot them but you basically ignored them as you went on the date anyway.

 

You know he phrase whn the going gets tough, the tough get going - well that's the bit you're not putting into play.

There are slim pickings and as you get older it gets worse but I can't even describe how fantastic it feels to spot flags, not ignore them or brush them under the rug and ACT upon them instead.

I've had 3 terrible and pretty brief dating relationships from OLD and why did I get involved? Because I did exactly the same as you - I noticed things but didn't act upon them.

This never used to be what I did and I believe that I thought like you and the slim pickings was what made me give these total twits a chance.

 

I go on and off OLD occasionally now but I don't ignore any of these flags anymore, nor do I when I spot them in real life either.

I don't go on many dates but once I figure a guy out I'm happy that I didn't go there.

I used to blame myself - and yep - it was my fault for ignoring things - but then I learned what I needed to know and I have no blame to lay upon myself any more.

 

Slim pickings is one thing but do you want to date and possibly get in a relationship where you're miserable or would you rather be happy alone and them find a relationship where you're happy too?

No one is perfect but there is a pretty big divide in spotting things which are going to be a nightmare and little things which add up to imperfection.

 

It's imperfection you want to seek out, not drama (blowing up your phone and crazy exes is drama).

 

You mentioned in one post on here you wouldn't want a guy being OTT all of the time - start with that - when you start talking is when a guy should not be being OTT - OTT is for when it's your birthday and he loves you, for when you want to move in together.

So, not OTT, just consistent and little imperfections are two good things to start looking for when you're at the stage of talking to someone, going on dates.

 

There's a whole stack of other things I could say to look out for but the book will guide you better than I could.

 

One more thing - you're friends - have they all dated a lot, on and offline and are they all now in highly happy relationships?

If they are not then it's more on you to listen to what alarm bells are ringing FOR YOU rather than listening to what they think and hear it as fact.

 

You will be OK - you're a step ahead already of your friends and I've seen threads of yours and you're growing - I can see it plainly. There is a next step for you though and that's putting things into action - you will do that though.

The biggest thing is that great little book (btw I have no links to it - I'm just a fan of it) - you're going to spot and relate so much of it to men you have dated and had relationships with - of this I have no doubt at all.

[CaliforniaGirl]

When I suggested we delete tinder, my gf told me she would delete hers but said I should keep mine so she wouldn't [take me for granted] .

 

I told her if I need an active tinder profile to keep her from taking me for granted then it wasn't going to last nearly as long as I hope. I'm deleting it. Just don't take me for granted and we'll be fine.

 

Whoa, this just seems so odd.