Working with MM and the constant reminder of infidelity

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

I posted previously under 'Tension with work colleague....' but wanted to post an update.

 

Brief back story. Me, married and been with H for 8 years. No children. H has own business, away a lot and his focus had always been on work (which is also his hobby). I have always felt like the 3rd wheel in the relationship. Also, H is unable to show any emotion. He's very black and white, straightforward, says I talk 'mumbo-jumbo' when trying to talk about our lack of emotional connection or how we can improve our M.

 

Typical cliché, I was feeling lonely and unfulfilled and MM who I also happen to work with, made a drunken pass at me on a work night out last summer. I didn't accept but I did move out from marital home to take time to think about life/marriage and what I wanted. But of course this opened the floodgates onto an EA and slightly PA with MM (we didn't sleep together).

 

The (what I now know to be common place in affairs) ensued...we've never had a connection like this before, not happy at home, we felt we could really talk to each other. Talked about the possibility of leaving our partners.

 

Early this year MM decided he was going to put all his effort into his relationship. But our EA was still bubbling away under the surface, not as much as before but probably because of working together and our constant contact. Another work night out last month and we kissed and had another heart to heart. He tells me how much he feels for me and his relationship is more like a good friendship but he needs to try and make it work, etc etc.

 

I'm really struggling with the fact we have to see each other most days and pretending to be strangers. I know this is my fault and I've made my bed and need to lie in it. But it's so tough having shared so much with him and now nothing. I feel like I really opened myself up to him and bared my soul in our three hour heart to hearts. I honestly did feel a connection to him like I have never had with a partner. We were on the same wave length and have similar interests etc. He agreed and said he felt the same, but he has been with his partner all his adult life (20 plus years) and says he owes it to her not to walk away and needs to put all his energy into that now.

 

I can't leave my job, and he's made it clear we can't be friends as it's too hard. I don't know what I'm asking really, I guess I'm just venting. How can I forget everything that happened when items impossible to go NC? I've deleted his personal number and all our messages etc.

 

In the meantime I'm still separated from my H and we are in talks about whether we have any future. H knows everything about MM. I'm very confused and don't feel I'm in a position to make a decision about my marriage while this is hanging over me. H says he is willing to wait. We have had marriage counselling and discernment counselling but although we do love each other H isn't sure he can offer me the type of relationship I want (with an emotional connection and intimacy) and I'm not sure if I am able to recommit.

 

MM has made it clear now that it's over between us although he has said that many times and then reached out again. He also has said he doesn't want any more conversations about what happened or interact with me apart from how work colleagues would. I feel embarrassed that I let him into my life and confided and shared so much.

 

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Aloneuk

[jenkins95]

Hi (((Aloneuk)))

 

Sorry to hear that you have hit such a low point in your life. You are not alone and know that things will get better.

 

I think the first thing you have to establish is whether you and your H really want to be married to each other. You've had an affair and it sounds like he's been rather detached from the marriage for a long time. Time to get honest about this. Do you both love each other? Do you both want to make it work? If not, you don't have children and it should be relatively easy to divorce amicably.

 

If you do want to stay together, you have to show him you are genuienly sorry for what happened, will never do it again, will do anything to show how much you want the marriage to work and back that up with actions. You say you can't leave your job, for example. Well, I understand that you can't leave your job immediately, but what if you promised yor H you would start looking for another with the intent to move within a 12 month window? These kind of life-changing actions are often necessary if R is to be successful. One of the most stressful things a BS has to endure post-A is continued contact in any way with the AP.

 

For your husband's part, he needs to know that the way he was before, basically putting you second to his job/hobby made you unhappy (but in no way excuses the affair). If there is to be a future, he needs to agree to re-design your marraige so that you are 100% and unquestionably each other's number one priority. He can't use the 'mumbo-jumbo' line any more - he needs to be able to understand how you feel.

 

Despite the devastation, some marriages can eventually become better than they ever were after an A, and I think perhaps yours in one of them. But R is a very tough road for both. Establish that you are both 100% in before committing to it.

 

Don't let your amazing connection with the AP distort your thinking. Affairs feel amazing, you feel like soulmates (it happened to me too), but it is largely fantasy, illusion and short-lived limerence. The secrecy, excitement and forbidden nature only add fuel to this. Read other stories on here, read aroudn the Internet in general on this subject - you will see it time and time again. He is not your "soulmate" - the universe would never send you your soulmate in the shape of a man already attached to another woman.

 

Good luck and keep posting. We are here for you - use us. I know it may not feel like it now, but you will feel better and things will become clearer. Look after yourself and get help if you can.

[NTV]

Why bother with either one of them? This is the perfect time to focus on you and doing everything you've been wanting to. . Like skydiving.

 

I do think you should let your husband off easy in the divorce. Being cheated on is a horrible feeling and he'll be dealing with that struggle for years to come. That's punishment enough.

 

Change jobs if you can. Getting away from this guy is paramount to recovery. Right now you're trying to hold still but the world is going to keep turning with or without you.

 

Ntv.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks both for your replies.

 

Jenkins - you are right about me and my H needing to make each other a priority if we are to have any chance of it working. I think that's one of the main issues, H cannot commit with the time required and I am not willing to go back to how things were. But it's hard to accept that then means it's over. We had discernment counselling this week and our counsellor said she felt that H is not involved in our M and suggested we both spend the next month or certain defined period of time where we both commit to trying to make things work and then make a decision. I will ask H again whether he can commit the time or not.

 

I hate working with the MM as it makes me feel so vulnerable, like I can't escape my marital issues at home or at work! Also knowing that MM has withdrawn and I mean nothing to him, after sharing so much about each other. It just makes me feel so stupid and embarrassed that I let my guard down.

 

NTV - have I mentioned skydiving in a previous post?!

Yes you have a point. Maybe it's time to be on my own and figure stuff out. For some reason I'm not able to make the final break from my H.

 

If I do divorce my H I will make sure that he gets a fair deal. In fact, he will come out of a separation much better than I will.

 

The A may have hurt him but I'm not sure. He honestly doesn't have feelings in the same way that a 'normal' person does, or at least not about me. There has been no jealousy or anger or upset about the A from H. I almost wish there had been as it would mean that he loves me...

[JustJoe]

A couple of things. First.... Do not confuse a lack of expressiveness with a lack of feelings. There are a lot of people who are not good at expressing their feelings, but that doesn't mean they don't have them.

Second....you cheated, your husband did not, so why is the heavy lifting to save the marriage on him? He definitely has his issues, but instead of helping him...you give him ultimatums....change or else. He is doing what he can, right? he has been at least willing to go to counseling..so....what have you done? You cheated with a co-worker....have had relapses....and still work with your affair partner. How does any of that show a renewed commitment to the marriage?

[BluesPower]

I forget what it is called... Maybe someone can find the word.

 

But there are people like your H that seem to have no emotions or they are buried so deep that you never see them.

 

If this is how your H is, you really need to get out and get yourself together.

 

How any normal woman could be with an emotionless guy is beyond me in the first place. Was he like this from the beginning and you did not notice it, or did he change over time?

 

Don't expect him to change though, one thing I have learned is that you cannot change other people as much as you want to.

 

It does really sound like divorce is the best option here...

[Aloneuk]

Just Joe

 

Not giving H ultimatums at all....I have asked him to try and compromise and meet in the middle so we can work on our marriage. It's hard to have a relationship when only one of you are invested. I have spent quite a few years being in the driving seat of the marriage with H occasionally turning up for the journey but mainly not. It's hard and lonely.

 

I'm not excusing my EA but just explaining how we found ourself here. Loneliness plus my poor boundaries.

 

When I moved out 6 months ago I hoped it would be the jolt he needed to put some effort into our M. It didn't work.

 

I think H wants a wife but not a relationship and this is what the counselling has been addressing.

 

Thanks

[Aloneuk]

BluesPower

 

I met H a year after I came out of a relationship with someone with mental health issues. It was very stressful and ironically I think H's stability and little emotion was one of the things that attracted me...

 

Sad that it's the thing that is driving us apart.

[BluesPower]

I see how that could happen...

 

But lack of emotion is kind of a mental illness of its own.

 

I can tell you that I was married to someone for 26 years that had a variety of mental issues. And it is not like people can't live with these issues, but if they are not getting help for them or you have to manage their care it is just exhausting. I know, I have done it.

 

When my main GF and I got together it made me realize how many years I had wasted "doing the right thing" and staying married.

 

Being with someone normal and open that really loves you is like night and day, I never knew. To be in a R where you both take care of each other and you both can be there for each other is actually quite amazing.

[NTV]

A guy not expressing his emotions? Never! It's not like guys are held to some kind of Clint Eastwood standard or anything. Lol

 

Yeah if I were in his shoes I don't know that I'd be sharing any emotions with you either. He already likely feels emasculated. He also knows that If his pain is perceived by you as weakness then the marriage would never work. Plus if you're still thinking about the om then you probably aren't ready to do any of the heavy lifting to help heal the marriage. It's not like he can trust you right now. And it doesn't sound like you're all that interested in him anyway.

 

At least that's how it all sounds to me.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks BluesPower and NTV

 

I'm not talking the general 'not able to open up' lack of emotion. Im talking about his brother getting killed in an accident and him seemingly not batting an eyelid and just carrying on working with no time off except the funeral and never mentioning it again. I'm talking about on our wedding day where I got a monotone 'you look nice' and that was it. He didnt do a speech or anything, despite saying he would. Im talking about him having a really successful moment in his business and literally nothing - no happiness or satisfaction. Just carries on ploughing through each day with no emotion. When I told him about MM we just sat in front of the TV after with a pizza and he said he didn't think there was any point talking about it.

 

I get that typically guys struggle with showing emotion but I think this is on another level. It's just bizarre.

 

Why did I marry him? I know. The million dollar question. I thought the fact that I loved him would be enough. And it was, until it wasn't. And then I connected with someone outside the marriage and it was like 'wow, this is what it could be like'. I totally understand what you are saying BluesPower, it's like a different world.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Aloneuk

[jenkins95]

He does seem very extreme and i could see how this would eventually grind you down. Does he show love? Does he ever get excited or animated?

 

If you don't think he could ever change, divorce is probably the best option. Presumably, given your description of him, if you announced that you wanted a divorce, it wouldn't phase or upset him too much?

 

Perhaps you should try it - even if you're​ not sure you really want it. Perhaps it would finally elicit an emotional reaction from him and shock him into action? If, even then, he continues to eat his pizza and say it's not worth discussing, then you have your answer right there - you could be on the phone to your solicitor the next morning.

 

I really hope it doesn't come to that, but from what you write, he sounds like an emotional zombie. And if he can't change, then you could never get full satisfaction in a relationship like that, could you? The fact that you've had an EA against your own principles shows you how unsatisfying the current relationship is.

[BluesPower]

Why did I marry him? I know. The million dollar question. I thought the fact that I loved him would be enough. And it was, until it wasn't. And then I connected with someone outside the marriage and it was like 'wow, this is what it could be like'. I totally understand what you are saying BluesPower, it's like a different world.

 

Yeah, I tried that too. I thought that if I just loved and took care of my Ex she would wake up on day, she would get herself together and she would love me. Not.

 

That is what I am saying, I thought that my love for her was enough and it never was.

 

Life is just so much better now...

[road]

You transferred your emotions to the OM. As long as you

have contact with your OM you will never detox from your

addiction to your OM. So your feelings will never come back

for your BH unless you go NC with the OM.

 

 

This is why you must quit your job because there never will

NC.

[sandylee1]

I don't see you ever being fulfilled with your husband... He's just not with the programme.

 

I'd get very irritated with that level of not displaying emotion.

 

I think your counsellor gave you some wise words. Give it a month to try and get it back on track... Or go your seperate ways.