My ex passed away.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, I just need to get my feelings out there somewhere. I feel so strange right now.

 

My best friend just called me at work, which I found really odd so I answered it and she told me that my ex overdosed last night.

 

This is an ex from high school, he was my very first boyfriend. He struggled with drug abuse even when we were young. He emotionally abused and physically abused me at one point too. Yes we had our moments, and had some great memories we shared together, but for me I have tucked all of those away, and always thought of him as this deep, dark, part of my past I never want to revisit.

 

Now I am just feeling numb, I almost don't feel anything at all. I feel like I should be crying and freaking out right now, yet I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm still in shock. The biggest part of me just hurts for his parents who did so much to try to help him with his addiction.

 

Part of me feels guilty. Could I have done something more? Could I have helped him? He would occasionally try to reach out to me, but I would shut it down because I knew that was a part of my past that was unhealthy for me.

 

Now I don't know what to do or think. I am sure I will attend the funeral, at least I think that would be the right thing to do.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, I mostly just needed to put down in words how I'm feeling somewhere, and I'm not sure this is something I feel comfortable talking about with much of my family or friends. They know that our relationship is something I never talk about.

[Telemachus]

You never wanted to revisit this past, but now you find yourself doing that. Perhaps now you're ready to deal with those thoughts, and to tell a few stories. We all live on after going the way of all mortal flesh by having the stories we've told repeated by others, and in the stories told about us after we're gone.

 

That was the insight of Nobel laureate Gabriel Garcia Marquez, looking back on his life from the perspective of a man in his 70s. Our lives aren't limited to events and activities, to breath and body, but rather we live on in stories, which can be immortal.

 

For now, tell stories about the good times.

[EmilyJane]

I think you might be in shock.

 

But it might also be that you grieved the loss of this person a long time ago. That you knew he wasn't going to be long in the world.

 

It might also be that beyond the guilt, you might not feel much. That would be completely understandable.

 

There wasn't anything you could have done. You did the only thing I've ever heard that addict partners occasionally respond to. You set boundaries and didn't enable his addiction. You did not stay with him.

 

I think the above post is very sensitive. The telling of stories. It sounds like there are a lot of stories there.

 

And lots of people here ready to listen. Maybe after a bit of time to process you can give one of them to his parents.