Are any OM/OWs content and happy whilst involved with a MW/MM?

[Serendipity55]

Evening,

 

It seems to me that the majority of OM/OWs posting here are unhappy with their A and are trying to extricate. The main root of this unhappiness and discontent seems to be because they're the 'other' and are sharing their partner with another person - namely their partner's spouse.

 

Is that generally the case? Or can you be happy and content whilst having an affair? How is that possible?

 

People posting such beautifully written pieces on here seem to fall into two camps. Can't bear the A anymore and want to get or have gotten out (massive admiration) OR are happy in the A.

 

Personally, I am too emotional and invest too much in my SO to be able to be OK with sharing him.

 

In some ways (for many reasons) I wish I could have found happiness with my AP but for me the guilt and primarily a sense of deserving more from a relationship, even though I'm not in a position to have more / give more at the present time, became too strong.

 

S

[aileD]

Probably but they're not posting on online forums about it

[noelle303]

I was an OW 7 years ago so I can't go deeper into my feelings because I'm just not in that mindset anymore, but I remember being happy as simply an OW.

 

I was very young, I literally had no expectations from MM, I didn't wish for him to leave his wife, I didn't need more time or attention, I wanted exactly what I was getting which was fun, excitement and sex and that's pretty much what he wanted from me - a fun escape from problems at home.

 

I also don't remember feeling guilty, but I was a different person back then.

[Minnie09]

I used to be happy as an ow, as long as I got what I needed: lots of attention, gifts, and trips. I was put on a pedestal for years, the sex was great, until I was kicked off that pedestal......No dday, just his circumstances changed, and he had to refocus on his M more. I've now lost interest. He still tries to connect, but I'm not responding any longer. It's not that I want to get M to him, be his W, or be more official, but I don't like how things have turned out in terms of the amount of time being spent together and the quality. So I'm out after 3 yrs.

[ice3784]

Evening,

 

It seems to me that the majority of OM/OWs posting here are unhappy with their A and are trying to extricate. The main root of this unhappiness and discontent seems to be because they're the 'other' and are sharing their partner with another person - namely their partner's spouse.

 

Is that generally the case? Or can you be happy and content whilst having an affair? How is that possible?

 

People posting such beautifully written pieces on here seem to fall into two camps. Can't bear the A anymore and want to get or have gotten out (massive admiration) OR are happy in the A.

 

Personally, I am too emotional and invest too much in my SO to be able to be OK with sharing him.

 

In some ways (for many reasons) I wish I could have found happiness with my AP but for me the guilt and primarily a sense of deserving more from a relationship, even though I'm not in a position to have more / give more at the present time, became too strong.

 

S

I was happy when i had to share him. Cos he paid much attention to me and love is obvious too with his effort to be with me. Right now the wife knows about me, she choose to separate with him and took with her all his children, while me and MM choose to live our life together. I dont get the same love anymore. He was constantly trying to reach her using the kids as excuse and of course he blamed me as well. I wish i can turn back time...

[AutumnMoon]

I am happy. I haven't been the entire time, but it's been mostly positive and right now and for several months it's been all good.

[cocorico]

 

It seems to me that the majority of OM/OWs posting here are unhappy with their A and are trying to extricate. The main root of this unhappiness and discontent seems to be because they're the 'other' and are sharing their partner with another person - namely their partner's spouse.

 

Is that generally the case? Or can you be happy and content whilst having an affair? How is that possible?

 

 

I was happy during the A. I didn't see it as "sharing" - I got why I wanted and needed, and more. My expectations were exactly they same as they would have been had he not been M. It was up to him to make that side work - he was the one with vestigial commitments, not me.

 

But then, he was already checked out of his M or he would not have been open to an A. Had he been still invested in he M, and unwilling / unable to provide what I wanted in our R, he have been history pretty quickly. It only lasted so long as an A because it worked for both of us. And when that format no longer worked for us, we changed it. We've been M now for much longer than the A - more than twice, at least - and this is what works for us now.

[Kat Keller]

Evening,

 

It seems to me that the majority of OM/OWs posting here are unhappy with their A and are trying to extricate. The main root of this unhappiness and discontent seems to be because they're the 'other' and are sharing their partner with another person - namely their partner's spouse.

 

Is that generally the case? Or can you be happy and content whilst having an affair? How is that possible?

 

People posting such beautifully written pieces on here seem to fall into two camps. Can't bear the A anymore and want to get or have gotten out (massive admiration) OR are happy in the A.

 

Personally, I am too emotional and invest too much in my SO to be able to be OK with sharing him.

 

In some ways (for many reasons) I wish I could have found happiness with my AP but for me the guilt and primarily a sense of deserving more from a relationship, even though I'm not in a position to have more / give more at the present time, became too strong.

 

S

 

Yes, I am happy with him in our affair (as odd as that seems to relate). He and I both are married with children. Neither of us wants to divorce our spouses and are content to continue our relationship as it is. We continually try to be a source of comfort and support for one another in every aspect of our lives and that does include support of one another's marriages staying in tact.

 

 

He loves his wife. I love my husband. We both love our kids very much. Neither of us wants to hurt our families simply because we are no longer "in love" with our spouses but that doesn't mean we don't understand the importance of obligation. Furthermore, we are both of the mindset that our kids didn't ask for any of this and they shouldn't have to suffer the consequences so the bigger picture is more important. He and I are meticulous and careful about our affair so that it doesn't ruin our home lives.

 

 

We have talked about it extensively and neither of us feel guilt about our ongoing affair. I think a huge part of that is because neither of us wants to destroy each other's marriages or family life. We've both made peace with what we want and need in a relationship. We recognize that our respective spouses cannot and will not provide that for us which has been very difficult for both of us for years long before we crossed any lines to affair territory. Another thing that probably helps is that he and I are best friends. We aren't just affair partners. So even if we had never crossed the line, we'd still be best friends.

 

 

We have both agreed that we will stay in our marriages, raise our children, and stay together as a couple as well. We don't feel the need to go beyond that as far as ending marriages and breaking up our families. I don't feel angry with his wife because she's married to him or wishing for the demise of their marriage.

 

 

Sure, he and I have discussions about what it would be like if we had married each other but it's just wishful thinking kind of banter. I think I would feel guilt if I had some kind of animosity toward his wife solely for being married to him. I noticed in a lot of affair situations, the other woman seems to have such venom for the wife. Honestly, a lot of it seems really unwarranted and unfair to me.

 

 

I don't disparage his wife but she does do things to him that irk the pure heck out of me. Things that hurt and upset him which do make me upset with her and for him. She can be very cold and mean spirited. Frankly, I don't like her. But my dislike of her has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she's married to him and I want him. Because honestly, I already have him...she just doesn't know about it which is the best for everyone.

 

 

In my opinion, it's really important to recognize a situation for what it is...in the overwhelming majority of affairs the statistics prove out that married people usually do not leave their spouse for their affair partner. So if a person can't accept that the chances of their married affair partner are very slim, then it's often a set up for a tremendous amount of heart ache. But sometimes feelings are what they are and people engage in relationships that they haven't through out in the long term. So I get it. It's not like I planned my affair either!

 

 

However, he and I both knew when we decided to cross the line from friendship to relationship that we were not going to leave our spouses. So knowing that ahead of time really helps. Unfortunately, I think a lot of unmarried affair partners get played. The married affair partner keeps dangling this carrot in front of them as if at some point they will be together in a normative relationship after he or she leaves his or her spouse. I have to be honest here, that's often something the AP says to keep the relationship going because the truth is...who on earth really wants to hear: "Well you are good enough to have fun with, talk to, and sleep with...but I'm totally not leaving my husband/wife for you."

 

 

And men who have affairs are often notorious for that very thing... keeping their AP on the side, telling her what she wants and needs to hear so that she continues providing him that outlet while she's being conditioned to believe that he's on his way out of his marriage or has a set path to get out of it when nothing could be further from the truth. Stats prove most married men do not leave their wives for their AP.

 

 

So I think the main reason why you don't see tons of posts about how happy and elated someone is to be in an affair is because their expectations of the outcome are often based on unrealistic conditioning that they have either trained themselves to believe to justify having the affair or that their married AP has trained them to buy into in order to keep getting what they want out of the connection.

 

 

Acceptance of reality plays a huge role in contentedness in these situations.

[goodyblue]

I never felt like I was anything other than the primary partner with my now h. From the time the A began we were working toward being the only relationship and him divorcing. His m had been over for a long time anyway.

 

I always expected to come first and I always have, but if I hadn't, I could not have stood it. I would have bailed.

 

I was happy because we had a common goal, but if it had been a side chick kind of thing it would have been over.

 

We have been married for several years now and are quite happy. I dunno, I guess I am the minority here, along with coco, but in the real world I think it happens more than people think.

Edited April 6, 2017 by goodyblue

[oldbutcurious]

... We've been M now for much longer than the A - more than twice, at least - and this is what works for us now.

 

You are married to the guy now???

[oldbutcurious]

I never felt like I was anything other than the primary partner with my now h. From the time the A began we were working toward being the only relationship and him divorcing. His m had been over for a long time anyway.

 

I always expected to come first and I always have, but if I hadn't, I could not have stood it. I would have bailed.

 

I was happy because we had a common goal, but if it had been a side chick kind of thing it would have been over.

 

We have been married for several years now and are quite happy. I dunno, I guess I am the minority here, along with coco, but in the real world I think it happens more than people think.

 

 

well goodyblue, and now coco, am glad I read posts like this from you...

 

my story is this.

[oldbutcurious]

...

In my opinion, it's really important to recognize a situation for what it is...

 

Acceptance of reality plays a huge role in contentedness in these situations.

 

 

I feel hopeful, Kat. I am currently into this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/603936-rant-vent-moving-how-let-virgo-man-know-you-like-him

 

I know I will not demand more than he could give, and ready to take the risk.

[goodyblue]

well goodyblue, and now coco, am glad I read posts like this from you...

 

my story is this.

 

I think Coco and I may differ on this as she has said in the past she may be open to another affair if it suited her, I would not. It is not an easy road.

 

I do of recommend it.

 

Find someone single.

[Chilli]

l just wonder who the hell started the "l deserve more" trend, especially among women.

 

Wonder why they think they're such a catch that they deserve more , l wonder what they all look like, wonder what they give their partners.

 

Bc an l deserve more attitude usually points to a very selfish person and selfish people usually not only aren't much to look at but they themselves usually make the worst partners you can find and it's their partner that deserves more form what l've seen.

 

Just tossing it out there as l've seen it.

 

As far as ow and om's , yeah , dunno.

Mine married hers. He's a catch too , probably thought he deserved more bc he looks like some kinda effd up clown , married twice already , now 3, and has 4kids to 3 different women.

 

Me ,l just hope ex knows what she's doing bc l'd hate to see her out on her ass at her age.

[Giggle]

It wasn't the affair itself that caused my unhappiness that made me break up with him. It was ultimately his buying the new call of duty over something he'd promised. Just general asshattery and disregard of me stating a need for something he was very easily able to do. He had zero reason to not call me every couple days on his way home. It was otherwise a very amazing EA.

[goodyblue]

l just wonder who the hell started the "l deserve more" trend, especially among women.

 

Wonder why they think they're such a catch that they deserve more , l wonder what they all look like, wonder what they give their partners.

 

Bc an l deserve more attitude usually points to a very selfish person and selfish people usually not only aren't much to look at but they themselves usually make the worst partners you can find and it's their partner that deserves more form what l've seen.

 

Just tossing it out there as l've seen it.

 

As far as ow and om's , yeah , dunno.

Mine married hers. He's a catch too , probably thought he deserved more bc he looks like some kinda effd up clown , married twice already , now 3, and has 4kids to 3 different women.

 

Me ,l just hope ex knows what she's doing bc l'd hate to see her out on her ass at her age.

 

I am a little confused about the deserving more thing. Deserve more than what? Do you mean more than one partner or more in a relationship? I think men have always felt entitled to whatever they want. The women are just catching up.

 

How long has your ex been married to the OM? Do you have kids? What do you think drew her away from your relationship and into his arms? Are there discrepancies between how she viewed your marriage as opposed to how you viewed it? My b'day?s ex thought things were great in their marriage because her needs were being met. His most certainly were not. Just curious.

Edited April 6, 2017 by goodyblue

[Chilli]

I am a little confused about the deserving more thing. Deserve more than what? Do you mean more than one partner or more in a relationship? I think men have always felt entitled to whatever they want. The women are just catching up.

 

How long has your ex been married to the OM? Do you have kids? What do you think drew her away from your relationship and into his arms? Are there discrepancies between how she viewed your marriage as opposed to how you viewed it? My b'day?s ex thought things were great in their marriage because her needs were being met. His most certainly were not. Just curious.

 

 

He does sound like a catch though doesn't he

But nah , ours was the perfect storm. Lots of life pressures changing us both, l'd already signed out 2 -3yrs earlier.

l'm with someone else too.

 

It's a long story.