The two versions of GIGS

[Altair0770]

So, there I was at work, not much to do today so i was stuck thinking, and unfortunately that's never a good thing after a relationship ends. I kept thinking to myself, "damn, I did everything right! I can't pinpoint something I did wrong". Maybe there were some things I could do differently, but like many people here wondering what they did so wrong in their relationship and can't pinpoint it, the fact of the matter is there was likely NOTHING you did wrong. There may have been something the dumper disliked about you, but not something worth ending everything for. So after talking to my friend about my lost love, he mentioned she assumed the grass was greener.

 

Like many of you here, I always wondered "how do I get my ex back". Tried so many things. Tried making her miss me, and it worked. Broke NC after 2 months of seeing her DEVASTATED. She was so happy to see me. Said so many nice things, and like every dumpee, I took everything serious despite there not being anything real behind the words. She found someone new, and I told her that I am disappearing. I was honest, told her I'm not over her. She cried, but that was that. I'm not going to waste anymore time on someone that doesn't love me when I deserve to be loved. She can go back to being a GIGS chaser. Meanwhile, I will go back to NC to do my best to heal. Unfortunately it's a long process.

 

So my friend came to a good conclusion (he's had about 7 relationships and has always been the dumper). "She has GIGS". Wait what? I thought GIGS was when you were in a long term relationship, started progressing towards something more serious (moving in, getting married, having kids, or anything like that), and then getting cold feet because they are young (18-25 range) and want to see other opportunities.

 

My story is long, but I'll give a short version. Met a girl online. Fell madly in love with each other. Went to visit her. She had a panic attack. 3 months after I returned going through hell anxiety and depression wondering what happened. She broke up with me. I demanded to know why. She has PTSD.

 

I spent 2 months in empathy for disappearing. Didn't know what NC was but thought automatically the best thing was to disappear because I knew I'd be hurt if I stuck around. I wanted to heal. A few days after that breakup I looked up how to get an ex back, and followed all that BS online. I was stupid and stalked her social media, and saw how devastated she was. I came back to help her, and have that door open for reconciliation. That lead me to making her so happy she found someone else.

 

In my long talk my friend told me he knew she was trouble since the start, despite never meeting her. Why? Because she tried to mold me into something I'm not. She had this perfect fantasy of being in this romantic relationship and wanted every last little detail to be perfect. She wanted me to stop drinking coffee. She wanted me to grow my hair out. She wanted me to wear certain things. She wanted perfection. Like most partners, I was totally okay with minor changes in my life to satisfy this woman I was interested in.

 

NOTE: BIG RED FLAG. IF YOUR PARTNER IS TRYING TO CHANGE A LOT OF MINOR DETAILS ABOUT YOU BE VERY CAUTIOUS

 

So, as we move forward, let's look at the common reasons for breakup.

 

- You're a rebound

- You cheated/abused

- You simply didn't have a lot in common

- Fear of commitment

- GIGS

 

Granted there's more, but there is no reason to dive into those in a GIGS thread.

 

So here are the two versions of GIGS, to my understandings. GIGS = Grass is Greener Syndrome

 

 

Version One:

 

Young girl (or guy) is in a long term relationship with their partner. The partner decides to take things to the next level. Nothing is wrong with the relationship. There are no big issues, hardly any fights, and everything seems perfect. The partner is doing their best to make the relationship be the best it can be and everything seems great. The person starts realizing that they are young, and this is a relationship that they may be tied to for the rest of their life. They want to explore other options before being tied down. AKA fear of commitment. They dump their partner who did nothing wrong, and decided to test the waters elsewhere. They start dating people left and right in their new life, and potentially realize what they gave up. Meanwhile the dumpee moves on and all trust is severed because they dated someone immature (yes, it's immature to have GIGS imo).

 

Version Two:

 

This typically happens in dumpers that don't have much relationship experience. The dumper pictures a perfect relationship. Someone that has lots of money, lives in a mansion, has a nice car, and is incredibly beautiful or handsome. They find someone that matches a lot of their perfect fantasy. They start dating this person, getting to know them, and then start developing feelings. The honeymoon phase ends, and the relationship starts getting stale for them. They start noticing every small detail that doesn't match their picture perfect fantasy. Once that honeymoon phase has ended, they start talking to people, and getting to know more people of the opposite sex. They start thinking that someone else can be even more perfect than their current SO. So, they decide to dump that person and jump into another relationship with someone that seems to fit their perfect picture fantasy. Then the same thing happens. This is a shorter version of GIGS. They keep looking for Mr. Perfect despite having found Mr. Right. Unfortunately, these people are likely relationship hoppers.

 

 

Both versions suck. You likely didn't do anything wrong in the relationship. They likely just hid concerns from you. In version one, they likely just feared commitment. In version two, you likely just didn't fit their picture perfect fantasy (and no one will be able to) and they kept that a secret from you. Do not beat yourself up about this. I know it sucks. I'm in the acceptance phase of my breakup. It still stings from time to time, but the way I now look at it - I dodged a huge bullet.

 

In version 2 I should also specify that you likely were dating a narcissists - someone that thinks they are the best person in the world and deserves someone with zero flaws. You do *NOT* want that in a relationship.

 

 

So, here is some tips to kind of avoid a GIGS syndrome/narcissists.

 

- They move too fast (talk about kids and marriage in the honeymoon phase)

- They SUCK at communication

- They get a lot of attention from the opposite sex

- They try to change minor details about you that are irrelevant

- They are self centered

- They crave attention, and not only from you

- They only see the world for what they deserve

- They are huge takers

- They try to control you

 

 

Do GIGS people come back? Maybe. Unfortunately it takes them awhile to realize this. A majority of time they need to go through the fanbase that they have. And by the time they question why everyones dumping them, or they're dumping everyone, you will be long over it. And they will only come back if you were truly the best. But I will tell you now you do not want someone that will leave you because of minor flaws or thinking someone out there is better than you.

 

YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED

Unless you cheat or abuse your SO

Edited April 1, 2017 by Altair0770
Why are you reading why I edited this? Damn you are bored! It was typos.

[Altair0770]

I'd also like to add more on Narcissism like in version 2. The fact is they are incapable of caring. They don't care that they hurt you, but more that you "hate" them for hurting you. They don't like that someone out there doesn't want anything to do with them. Also, even if they rebound, they will do the same thing to other people, so you really don't have to worry, even though you should be glad they're gone.

 

What they do is paint you as a perfect person in their eyes, and get a supply, or a high, of what they're getting. Despite you being so perfect for them, once that supply or high is lost, they look for a new target to get a new supply in, without considering any of the consequences. Often referred as relationship hoppers or serial daters. Because once that supply is gone, it doesn't matter how much they hurt you, they don't care, they only care that you hate them for it. They always try to make everything about themselves. If entering a relationship be VERY careful about how they treat you, because they WILL leave you. It's what narcissists do.

 

And they have no problems going back for another supplier. Be very cautious about that. They will try to do everything to win you back to get that high, and then leave again once it's gone.

[basil67]

Altair, you're over analysing. GIGS means that a person thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. For most of us, if you're at the point of wanting to leave a relationship, then the grass probably IS greener elsewhere. But in you ur case, she was simply broken. Not GIGS.

 

Your mate did you a disservice making you think this was about GIGS. GIGS is just a theory that dumpees use to make themselves feel better.

 

Your relationship was a LDR train wreck which was doomed from the start. You were over invested with a girl who was too damaged to have a relationship.....let alone a long distance relationship.

 

I strongly disagree that we deserve to be loved by our partners unless we cheat or abuse. Most of the time, it's simple incompatibility which breaks a relationship. Different goals, ethics and states of mind. Just being basically a good person isn't enough to either develop and/ or sustain love.

Edited April 1, 2017 by basil67

[Altair0770]

Altair, you're over analysing. GIGS means that a person thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. For most of us, if you're at the point of wanting to leave a relationship, then the grass probably IS greener elsewhere. But in you ur case, she was simply broken. Not GIGS.

 

Your mate did you a disservice making you think this was about GIGS. GIGS is just a theory that dumpees use to make themselves feel better.

 

Your relationship was a LDR train wreck which was doomed from the start. You were over invested with a girl who was too damaged to have a relationship.....let alone a long distance relationship.

 

I strongly disagree that we deserve to be loved by our partners unless we cheat or abuse. Most of the time, it's simple incompatibility which breaks a relationship. Different goals, ethics and states of mind. Just being basically a good person isn't enough to either develop and/ or sustain love.

 

I think you're misinterpreting my post.

 

First, my relationship is finished and I accept that. After much consideration, I've decided I'd rather not be involved with a narcissist, pathological liar that puts no effort into a relationship what-so-ever and fails completely at communication. There isn't any over-analyzing.

 

Second, my point of "you deserve to be loved" means that if you do things right in a relationship, without cheating or abusing your partner, you deserve to be loved by someone that does appreciate you, not necessarily the dumper.

 

Third, I don't actually believe my situation was GIGS. She is broken and fears me because of me being a trigger to a serious mental illness that has no cure. Along with her MANY other issues, the fact of the matter is do I want to deal with those I listed above and walk on egg shells my entire life with someone that is scared of me? No. That helps with acceptance. Doesn't help with empathy, but she did enough damage to me that empathy has turned into pity. However, once my situation was broken, she assumed there was someone else that could be her perfect mate out there.

 

GIGS is real, but you can use it in other terms. Fear of commitment being the first version, and dating a narcissist being the second version. The point of this thread is I often see people wondering what they did wrong in a relationship. Sometimes, there was absolutely nothing you did wrong in the relationship and people shouldn't always destroy their self-esteem because of someone else's opinion or problems.