Broken hearted

[Ari]

I have a male friend whom I've known for 5 years. His fiancee was stationed overseas for a couple of years--nothing happened between he and I. Everything has been strictly platonic. I've been his friend, his confidante, and have been loyal to him. We've gotten on quite well, and then the "weirdness" started happening in December (started holding my hand, a peck on the mouth, then he visited his fiancee and seemed distant upon his return from visiting her). I never made it a habit of incessantly calling him, e-mailing him, or making outright overtures/trying to do anything dishonorable in any way to jeopardize his relationship or our friendship.

 

My friend and his fiancee were going to be married in June of this year. She got "cold feet". He broke off the wedding, and told me about it. His fiancee returned the first of this month. He moved a couple of hours away and suddenly became very icy and cruel towards me. BTW, he and his (don't know what she is now) are not living together.

 

He won't speak to me. I've tried calling him a couple of times and I mailed him a very neutral friendship type of card. I've gotten no response and I've not spoken to him, nor have I contacted him since. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for him, but I didn't expect that to happen and tried hard to fight it. Needless to say, I'm very hurt right now. I'd understand it if I'd done something to warrant his treating me badly, but I haven't.

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh my, you poor dear!

 

You didn't do anything wrong here - he is clearly confused and afraid of his feelings for you. He probably admitted them to his fiancee and that didn't help the situation.

 

In all likelihood he's distancing himself from you for his own protection. If I were you I would try not to take it personally and just move on. There really isn't much else you can do.

[Ari]

I'm trying to move on, believe me. However, this is really difficult for me right now.

 

We both work for the same company, have mutual friends, and he still has a home in the same neighborhood where we both once lived. He is also going to be coming down from D.C. to visit my job site on occasion for business purposes.

 

The absolute last thing I wanted or needed right now was to fall in love with someone. I broke up with someone a year ago--someone that I was supposed to be moving to NYC with this year. I've just graduated from university in December and I'm trying to study to take the law school admissions test. In short, I'm trying to get my life together and I really didn't need to have my head and heart messed with.

 

I've been so depressed lately that I can't even pick up a book to read and I'm an avid reader. I'm impassioned about law, but haven't even the motivation to study for law school. I realize that being depressed and upset is counterproductive. However, I really didn't plan on this happening. Then again, whoever said that love is a logical thing?

 

If I could physically move away right now, I would. I wish I could leave my neighborhood, my present job and get a reprieve from the constant daily reminders I get of him.

 

His not even having the decency and the respect to acknowledge me is the worst. I would have understood if he said that he needed space to work things out, but to be cruel and disrespectful of me and to not even respond to me is unacceptable, not to mention juvenile IMO. And, like it or not, I will be in his life in one way shape or form--which makes this situation a bit ridiculous also. This could have been handled much better. I've respected his space and relationship despite my strong feelings for him and haven't crossed boundaries. I just can't seem to get my head around this whole thing, at least not yet. It's all too "fresh".

 

He's supposed to come down on the 25th of August to my job site. I do plan on being polite should I run into him. I've the urge to speak with him because I need to get some closure so that I can try and heal. Things are very hard for me to deal with right now. I'm in love with the man and don't know what to do and this mess just happened (the 1st of July). Only time will tell. BTW--I have never even told him I am in love with him. I've never even hinted at this out of respect for his current relationship, which makes this even more painful because of the fact that I have respected boundaries even with the feelings I've had for him--feelings I've kept from him only to still be treated like a pyriah.

[Marshbear]

I feel for you. I had a ex friend who treats me exactly the same way your friend does. She won't speak, avoids me like the plague, is extremely immature about the whole thing and will not talk about it with me. She also said cruel things and blames the whole thing on me but she is the one with the problem. I did nothing to warrant her response but she feels she is punishing me for deeds only in her own mind.

There is nothing you can do. Just accept it and try to move on. It is hard to loose a friendship as well as someone you really cared about but if they are not willing your hands are tied. Some people just can't handle their feelings or are in denial of them. This was the case with my friend. I see her on occasion and she still will not speak and just gives me this look of meanness. You would think I was the spawn of Satan.

You just have to be the mature one and let them to their own devices. It will be hard but you will at last be able to conclude that it is for the best.

[Ari]

Thanks for responding Marshbear.

 

Like I said, I am trying to move on, but this is going to take some time. I am going to attempt to speak with him on 25 August because I don't believe that he should be getting away with his behaviour toward me. I also feel that I've nothing to lose (I.e., Would I risk being humiliated? Too late for that, I'm already humiliated. Risk losing the friendship? Ditto for that).

 

I plan on approaching things in as logical and non-confrontational a manner as I can. At least then I can go away feeling like I've done my utmost and have said what I've needed to say.

 

He'll either choose to be a man or no. At least I'll have done all I could and can take satisfaction from that.

 

I've also decided to not take the LSAT until December because I can't focus right now.