My story

[Jezebel4]

Hello all,

 

I met the mm in high school. We dated casually on and off from 16-17 to early twenties. He joined the Air Force when he was 18, I saw him off to basic training,and he wrote love letters from there. We were never able to make it official. We were very different, and though I loved him, and always made space for him, I didn't think we were a good fit. We would spend lots of time together, and go everywhere, but no dice. More relationship with no title than fwb.

 

When we were 22-23, he met his wife. He went to Las Vegas to visit, met her, and was smitten. So smitten, that he hurt my feelings the last time we saw each other. I never looked back. I started dating someone wonderful immediately. This was about 7-8 years ago.

Fast forward to now. He reached out four years ago, I rebuffed him. He was explaining to me that his wife, who he had acted like a complete jerk about, didn't care about what he wanted and needed. I expressed disinterest in their relationship and in talking to him and we stopped communicating. (This was all via text) I don't like social media, so I am pretty inaccessible and I have not kept tabs on him.

 

In October, my brother who is on Facebook told me that mm had asked for him to forward his number. I texted him. He said that he was deployed, and that his marriage was ending. He was eager to reconnect romantically. "You're the one that got away " "you are my high school sweetheart." He and I texted all throughout the day, we Skyped several times a day.

 

I of course, caught feelings. I am 30, childless , no serious prospects. Everyone else is getting married and having babies, and I'm a crazy cat lady. In mid-February he returned home, his wife had found an apartment and was supposed to be moving out of the marital home March 1st, several things had been purchased for a new home, and many of her things were packed. His five year old asked about her mother saying that they were moving.

 

I decided to see him late February for his birthday. He stayed with me at my hotel, but we agreed that she didn't need to know he was with me. He had asked a few weeks earlier did I want him to tell her about me, and I didn't.

All hell broke loose. Although he said he was visiting with friends on the strip, and she had not wanted to be bothered with him when he was home; she freaked about him spending the night elsewhere. He visited the children daily. She sent pics of the kids crying to get him to come home so they could argue. I was completely satisfied with the amount of time we spent together, and although she tried to give him an ultimatum, he spent every night at the hotel.

 

Maybe this event changed her mind about the separation because she changed her mind. And although he had claimed that the marriage had never been what he wanted it to be, he also wanted to give it another shot. I now know that this is very typical; people speak in anger, I, as a single person cannot fathom the commitment of marriage.

 

I was very angry and hurt, and I still have feelings for mm. But this all happened in 5 months. I think that if I do no contact, and proceed with my life assuming that he will never be available, that I will be fine. We still text, nothing to deep, but I have been saying that no contact is best for both of us. Any thoughts and opinions are welcome

Edited April 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[aileD]

Life lesson:

 

Never get involved with anyone who is still married--no matter how bad their relationship might be.

 

Time for you to disappear again until he's single. Divorces are messy and you shouldn't be in the middle of it. You don't want to be the rebound. Let him divorce and get his life and self in order then reconnect.

[Jezebel4]

Had a nightmare about losing my temper at him and being ignored. Really upsetting

[somanymistakes]

It's rough, trying to deal with someone in this sort of nebulous marital state, where they're halfway out the door but might suddenly go rushing back in. A good jolt of panic into a fraying marriage can trigger strong emotional bonding, even if it wasn't intentionally done for that purpose. Will it last in the long run? Who knows - but if you hang around waiting to see it will be very painful for you.

 

No contact will be much easier on you, yes.

 

(In a different forum dealing mostly with people with sexless marriages and frustration, they talk about 'hysterical bonding', where when they FINALLY make it clear to their spouse that they've had enough of this and are leaving, THEN suddenly the spouse who wasn't interested wants to jump their bones contstantly for a month. Sometimes, the leaving spouse is so fed up that this attempt is repulsive rather than compelling, other times it gives them hope to try again... and oftentimes it results in a pregnancy which then prolongs the whole tangle...)

[Curdie]

This person (I will not call him a man) spent nine months away from his children. Upon return rather than spending every moment he could with them he decided to shack up with another woman in some hotel. His wife had to send him pictures of his children to guilt him into spending time with them. As a military wife, mother, and child: This person is a disgrace to the uniform. He's a vile piece of excrement who should have never reproduced. Those poor kids.

 

On your end, you seem to be rather lacking in the empathy department. The way you villainize the wife and generally disregard the children does not speak well for your character. Maybe you should reflect for a while on why you were ok with being a part of this situation before you take any kind of action.

[Jezebel4]

He was home a week before I visited. He went home every single day on his own volition to do the evening/bedtime routine. I understand that his children are/and should be his first priority, and I am a student who still had assignments to do at the hotel,and an introvert so I took no issue with him going home. Honestly, how dare you say I don't have empathy for the wife, when he was willing to tell her about me (since she was leaving him) and I thought that was antagonistic and not conducive to co-parenting and said he shouldn't. I'm not interested in a man who would leave his wife FOR me. If your relationship is over, and we could try to be together, that is different. I have been nowhere to found throughout their courtship and their marriage. I have done nothing to his wife

[NTV]

I don't think this guy is worth the effort. Plenty of divorced guys available if you want one.

[startingagain15]

I have done nothing to his wife

 

You mean besides sleeping with her husband right?

[Jezebel4]

She wanted to be separated. One can date in Nevada while separated. If you separate from your needy husband he will immediately go out and try to get his needs met. Four years ago when he complained about being unhappy but made no mention of a separation, I didn't feel comfortable even communicating with him.

[Patrice]

grieve the loss of the marriage and coordinate child visitation .. is this how you want to be spending your time? PLENTY of people who have their stuff together and you don't need to be wasting your time like a ping pong ball.

[Jezebel4]

I wasn't involved with married man for that long. There was no future faking on his part. He has made a clear choice. The research I did trying to make sense of and process things is relevant to my hopeful future field. I respectfully requested NC since any attempt at a friendship would be disengenous on both our parts. So far, NC is not difficult. Maybe because I asked for it. I intend on proceeding with my life as though he will stay married forever, and never be available

[Curdie]

He was home a week before I visited. He went home every single day on his own volition to do the evening/bedtime routine. I understand that his children are/and should be his first priority, and I am a student who still had assignments to do at the hotel,and an introvert so I took no issue with him going home. Honestly, how dare you say I don't have empathy for the wife, when he was willing to tell her about me (since she was leaving him) and I thought that was antagonistic and not conducive to co-parenting and said he shouldn't. I'm not interested in a man who would leave his wife FOR me. If your relationship is over, and we could try to be together, that is different. I have been nowhere to found throughout their courtship and their marriage. I have done nothing to his wife

 

They're children, not cats. A good parent does not get to go home once a day to feed, water, and put them to bed after being gone for almost a fifth of their lives. A good parent does not use the precious readjustment period to indulge in a ridiculous fantasy that he cultivated using government time and resources. Honestly, think of it from that poor five year old's perspective. He has spent nine months missing daddy. Wondering why daddy was gone for birthdays, holidays, school events, games, etc. Then daddy comes home and less than two weeks in he has gotten bored with the kids. That tells the kids that daddy never really missed them at all.

 

And yes, you most definitely are lacking empathy for that woman. Not telling her the truth was not an act of kindness. It was self serving. By accepting the communications while he was deployed you took precious time away from her and her kids. You didn't immediately notify her when he came sniffing around the first time, when she was taking care of their one year old. And the way you describe her sending pictures of his crying children is simply disgusting. She has spent the last nine months pulling double duty and comforting their children. Then her pathetic excuse for an airman husband returns and just dumps their children on her so that he can go play around with his mistress. When she gets fed up and sends him pictures of their upset children, who are just as much his responsibility as hers, you somehow manage to make her the bad guy? She went light on him. What she should have done was told him was that if he didn't come act like a proper father to his children she would report exactly what he had been doing all day, every day during his deployment to his chain of command.

[Jezebel4]

I don't know who you are angry at, but stop coming in my thread to misdirect your anger and chastise me. Why would I report him to his wife? It isn't my job to police his relationship, which as you can see from the OP, I don't dare assume I know anything about.

[Jezebel4]

If children go to daycare, and you pick them up and spend time with them until bedtime, that is typical of working parents. You are a stupid bitch

[Curdie]

If children go to daycare, and you pick them up and spend time with them until bedtime, that is typical of working parents. You are a stupid bitch

 

Are you seriously equating a nine month absence to an eight hour work day?

[Jezebel4]

No. You said that they were being treated as cats when he picked them up from daycare and was with them until they fell asleep

[Curdie]

No. You said that they were being treated as cats when he picked them up from daycare and was with them until they fell asleep

 

And he was. Because whereas pets are generally ok with just resuming a routine, children need at least a few months to readjust and be reassured that daddy did indeed miss them and is indeed back for good. Odds are there was some regression involved. Bed wetting and whining and the like. Deployment is traumatic for a young child and it is the parent's responsibility to help them readjust. All the literature that your mm would have received would tell him that his children would probably need two to five months before they were settled in. Instead of helping them adjust, he simply picked them up from daycare, put them to bed, and went on his merry way.

 

A service member back from deployment is not just another parent back from work. They have greater duties and responsibilities towards their children.

[anduina]

They're children, not cats. A good parent does not get to go home once a day to feed, water, and put them to bed after being gone for almost a fifth of their lives. A good parent does not use the precious readjustment period to indulge in a ridiculous fantasy that he cultivated using government time and resources. Honestly, think of it from that poor five year old's perspective. He has spent nine months missing daddy. Wondering why daddy was gone for birthdays, holidays, school events, games, etc. Then daddy comes home and less than two weeks in he has gotten bored with the kids. That tells the kids that daddy never really missed them at all.

 

And yes, you most definitely are lacking empathy for that woman. Not telling her the truth was not an act of kindness. It was self serving. By accepting the communications while he was deployed you took precious time away from her and her kids. You didn't immediately notify her when he came sniffing around the first time, when she was taking care of their one year old. And the way you describe her sending pictures of his crying children is simply disgusting. She has spent the last nine months pulling double duty and comforting their children. Then her pathetic excuse for an airman husband returns and just dumps their children on her so that he can go play around with his mistress. When she gets fed up and sends him pictures of their upset children, who are just as much his responsibility as hers, you somehow manage to make her the bad guy? She went light on him. What she should have done was told him was that if he didn't come act like a proper father to his children she would report exactly what he had been doing all day, every day during his deployment to his chain of command.

This isn't a fair assessment. You're putting the duty of care onto the opening poster, who has no duty of care towards the wife or children. The wife was the first one who wanted out of the marriage. She had a social and legal duty of care to the family which she failed when she broke the marriage by separating from it in the first place. Changing her mind doesn't put her in the right.

 

This is an ugly situation. You (Jezebel) should move on from it since life's too short to be in the middle of an ugly mess. Don't forget what he did to you the first time when you were young. And now, he's doing it to you again. This guy isn't worth the grief.

[Curdie]

This isn't a fair assessment. You're putting the duty of care onto the opening poster, who has no duty of care towards the wife or children. The wife was the first one who wanted out of the marriage. She had a social and legal duty of care to the family which she failed when she broke the marriage by separating from it in the first place. Changing her mind doesn't put her in the right.

 

Well if you want to use the same rationale used by people who fail to report domestic and child abuse, then be my guest. "It's not my job to make sure that child isn't beaten" will never sound like a solid moral position though. And blaming the wife for wanting to leave her irresponsible, philandering husband is beyond asinine. The mm could still have prioritized his children even if the couple were separated. He chose not to. Op decided to condone that choice by spending time with him that could and should have been spent with his children.

[Jezebel4]

No one ever goes on vacation without their children. If you don't tell someone's wife that their husband approached you or you don't insist that every waking minute a man be with his children, you would ignore children being physically abused. Go play in traffic

[Curdie]

No one ever goes on vacation without their children. If you don't tell someone's wife that their husband approached you or you don't insist that every waking minute a man be with his children, you would ignore children being physically abused. Go play in traffic

 

He was already gone for nine months. What decent parent, after a nine month separation, takes a vacation away from their kids?

[Jezebel4]

He was already gone for nine months. What decent parent, after a nine month separation, takes a vacation away from their kids?

 

Maybe he is an awful parent. How would you like me to fix that?

[Curdie]

Maybe he is an awful parent. How would you like me to fix that?

 

You can't fix that, but at the very least you could have refused to participate in it. Which brings us right back to what I first told you. You need to examine why you were willing to help him do these things to his wife and children. Why would you not give his wife the courtesy of knowing that he was chasing tail while she was raising their kid? Why did consideration for two kids who hadn't seen their father in nine months not outweigh whatever fantasy you had? You don't have to answer to me, but if you value your own integrity you should answer these questions for yourself.

[Jezebel4]

Do you really believe that his wife would appreciate hearing the truth? From me? I would wager that she knows who she married. I have already stated that it is hard to be my age and to see other people hit certain milestones.

[Curdie]

I'm quite sure that she wouldn't appreciate hearing that her husband was cheating on her because she wouldn't appreciate him cheating on her in the first place. But at least the knowledge would allow her the dignity of making an informed decision. And whatever happened to not pretending to know what goes on in their relationship? You are contradicting yourself here.

 

Plenty of other women of your age and in your situation manage to go to all the weddings and baby showers without helping a service member neglect his children after he returns from deployment. That's a cop out answer and you know it. Be honest with yourself.