Stonebar Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 So, I'm sure this has been posted many times so I like to thank you for taking the time and possibly offering some advice. My marriage has been virtually sexless for many years. It started when my wife went through menopause. For her Intercourse became painful, the desire to have sex went away, no kissing, no hugging, nothing oral, no tugs, intimacy just disappeared from or marriage. We went to the Drs, chemicals, hormones, therapist, meditation class..... nothing has worked. My wife has also been very emotional and anxiety ridden about this and other things in her life and she is a mess and I have great empathy for her situation. I do love my wife and I'm still hoping for the best and don't want to see her hurt... Here is my quandary: I crave intimacy and the touch of a women. I have opportunity all around me but too nervous to create any drama. I'm a decent looking guy in good shape early 50's and i'm not ready to give up intimacy in my life. And I don't want anyone to get hurt... All of our children are out of the house and established. I know i could leave my wife but I would not do that to her as she is in no position to deal with that in her current state. I don't know what to do. I have taken up yoga and visit a thai massage studio regularly which helps a little but still crave intimacy. Thank you for your thoughtful advice.
Soxfaninfl Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 So, I'm sure this has been posted many times so I like to thank you for taking the time and possibly offering some advice. My marriage has been virtually sexless for many years. It started when my wife went through menopause. For her Intercourse became painful, the desire to have sex went away, no kissing, no hugging, nothing oral, no tugs, intimacy just disappeared from or marriage. We went to the Drs, chemicals, hormones, therapist, meditation class..... nothing has worked. My wife has also been very emotional and anxiety ridden about this and other things in her life and she is a mess and I have great empathy for her situation. I do love my wife and I'm still hoping for the best and don't want to see her hurt... Here is my quandary: I crave intimacy and the touch of a women. I have opportunity all around me but too nervous to create any drama. I'm a decent looking guy in good shape early 50's and i'm not ready to give up intimacy in my life. And I don't want anyone to get hurt... All of our children are out of the house and established. I know i could leave my wife but I would not do that to her as she is in no position to deal with that in her current state. I don't know what to do. I have taken up yoga and visit a thai massage studio regularly which helps a little but still crave intimacy. Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I'm in the same situation as you(Only been married for 2 years and 4 months). I've only had had sex once in a 22 month span. I went a whole year with out sex and now it's been 10 months. I'll be honest I'm going to try counseling, but I have little hope. If things don't improve then I'm out. I'll give it six months. I'm only 41 years old, and I like sex. I love my wife very much, but sex is important to me. Life is short. Why be miserable in a sexless marriage? It sounds like you've been patient enough and done everything you can. Your wife has issues from her childhood (so does mine), and unless she's in regular counseling it's never going to improve. The only person getting hurt in this situation is you. Your enabling her not to change by staying and accepting the status quote. At least your kids are out of the house. I wish you luck. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 I have taken up yoga and visit a thai massage studio regularly which helps a little but still crave intimacy. Is that code for "I'm paying someone to get me off"? I don't blame you but also understand why that doesn't meet your needs. Your first sentence is correct, these threads pop up here with depressing regularity. Unfortunately, despite the constant discussion, no magic bullet has yet been found. Can't make her want to do something she doesn't want to do, can't make you stop yearning for the missing intimacy. My wife has also been very emotional and anxiety ridden about this and other things in her life and she is a mess and I have great empathy for her situation. Can you elaborate on her emotional condition? Even if she was sexually active, anxiety can be debilitating. However, some of the drugs used in treatment also affect libido. Is she under a doctor's care for this? Have you thought successfully addressing this might improve the sexual state of your marriage? Tough one all around... Mr. Lucky 2
RedBaron2765 Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Feel your pain - it's tough. I'm a little bit younger than you, and our kids are small, but we've been sexless for at least a half-dozen years. Frustrating can't even describe it. Mine's not going through menopause yet (she wishes she would), so I can't even imagine what you're dealing with.
Author Stonebar Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 I'm in the same situation as you(Only been married for 2 years and 4 months). I've only had had sex once in a 22 month span. I went a whole year with out sex and now it's been 10 months. I'll be honest I'm going to try counseling, but I have little hope. If things don't improve then I'm out. I'll give it six months. I'm only 41 years old, and I like sex. I love my wife very much, but sex is important to me. Life is short. Why be miserable in a sexless marriage? It sounds like you've been patient enough and done everything you can. Your wife has issues from her childhood (so does mine), and unless she's in regular counseling it's never going to improve. The only person getting hurt in this situation is you. Your enabling her not to change by staying and accepting the status quote. At least your kids are out of the house. I wish you luck. Thanks we tried counseling but she wasn't accepting what the therapist was saying. Good luck to you hope it works out.
Author Stonebar Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 Is that code for "I'm paying someone to get me off"? I don't blame you but also understand why that doesn't meet your needs. Your first sentence is correct, these threads pop up here with depressing regularity. Unfortunately, despite the constant discussion, no magic bullet has yet been found. Can't make her want to do something she doesn't want to do, can't make you stop yearning for the missing intimacy. Can you elaborate on her emotional condition? Even if she was sexually active, anxiety can be debilitating. However, some of the drugs used in treatment also affect libido. Is she under a doctor's care for this? Have you thought successfully addressing this might improve the sexual state of your marriage? Tough one all around... Mr. Lucky Thanks. No code words just a full body massage, i've heard that some places offer that service and I thought about it but really don't know how to approach the subject. I thought about paying for sex straight up to eliminate any after drama but it seems way too hard, risky and questionable providers. She is under a doctors care and has tried many different treatments. She is currently doing hormone replacement therapy which seems to help with the anxiety the best so far. It hasn't help with sex.
Author Stonebar Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 Feel your pain - it's tough. I'm a little bit younger than you, and our kids are small, but we've been sexless for at least a half-dozen years. Frustrating can't even describe it. Mine's not going through menopause yet (she wishes she would), so I can't even imagine what you're dealing with. Thanks, menopause seems pretty miserable from my view but i'm sure it effects everyone differently. Good Luck
NTV Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 She's not holding up her end of the bargain is she? You don't want to divorce but maybe you should start preparing for one just in case.
Soxfaninfl Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Thanks we tried counseling but she wasn't accepting what the therapist was saying. Good luck to you hope it works out. If she's not willing to listen to the counselor's advice then she's not willing to work on the marriage. It sounds like you've done everything you can on your end. It takes two to make a marriage work. Are you willing not to have sex for the rest of your life to stay in this marriage? You have to ask yourself that question? My wife just turned 47, and she has been going through menopause for the last year and a half (she never had kids of her own). Dealing with that is not fun either.
central Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Why isn't she doing anything to create intimacy? She may not feel the urge - that's a result of low hormone levels, probably - but simply DOING intimate things can build the urge. And yes, intercourse may be painful for her and off the menu, but she can still enjoy oral, fingering with lube, hugs and kisses, etc. - and can do the same for you. I think you are too young to give up on a satisfying sex life. Either it's with your wife, or with her permission to seek it elsewhere - or divorce. I don't suggest cheating, as that's never a good solution - or a long term one. Even an open marriage is seldom long term. The best long term solution is to either fix the issue, or end this marriage so you are free to find a loving partner elsewhere. There really are NO other healthy solutions, IMO. 1
taiko Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Have you let her know that you will be fine with non penetrative sexual options or push for a mile when she gave an inch? That could cause her to shut down thinking that she knows that you are not willing to stop until a cry of pain or she is being forced to perform the oral options that she probably never wanted to do in earlier days.
Telemachus Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Your wife must be considerably older than you, or she hit menopause early. Average age for menopause is 48. That doesn't allow for "many years" sexless to get to your age. It's not uncommon for a woman to lose all interest in sex with the hormonal and other changes that come with menopause. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it's normal. If the hormone-replacement therapy isn't for a medically-compelling reason, such as bone density, then she should stop the hormones. I can recommend a book. Buy it and tive it to her as a gift. If she reads it, great. If she doesn't, don't push it. "Better than I Ever Expected - Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty" by Joan Price. It's well written and commonly recommended by therapists couseling older couples. Regarding seeking physical contact or release with another woman, that's something you should negotiate with your wife. It's clearly outside a standard marriage commitment, and if you go ahead without her consent, you'll be cheating and unfaithful. If you had prostate or some other cancer and lost interest in physical intimacy, what would you want and expect your wife to do? Approach it that way. If you'd really want her to replace you in bed while you were still alive and otherwise functioning, then it should be easy to begin the discussion with her. I don't see that she's done anything wrong here. You have a mutual commitment. Commitments are kept, broken, or renegotiated. Broken is by far the worst of these three, but that's what you're considering. Choose one of the more honorable options. 2
Jazz75 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Sex can disappear from a marriage without a menopause, and it always seems a great shame when it does. Intimacy doesn't have to disappear with it though, and I find myself wondering why your wife has just shut up shop, apparently without offering you any compensation. Did she not really enjoy sex much when you were both sexually active, and is she perhaps now taking the opportunity offered by the menopause to give up something she was always less than enthusiastic about? I find it hard to accept that "nothing" has worked.The soreness caused by vaginal dryness is easily rectified. Loss of sex drive is harder to deal with but not impossible, However, one has to want to deal with it, and if she's never been too keen on sex, she is unlikely to either work at or benefit from psychosexual counselling. Even if she doesn't want penetrative sex, or finds it too uncomfortable, kissing, hugging, touching, fingering etc don't cause discomfort. What reason does she give for not wanting to do anything to offer you something of what you feel you need?
aileD Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I'm kind of appalled at some of the responses here. Nothing in the first post indicates she's not trying, after being to doctors hormones therapists chemicals etc and she's upset about it too. When did it become okay to throw your wife away once she hits menopause. Disgusting. Yeah we get it you need sex. "Intimacy" as you say but really you mean sex. What other things about her are great? How long have you been together? Are you willing to still work through things with her? Seems a shame to give up on your marriage because your wife is going through something that she has no control over and can't stop. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 If you had prostate or some other cancer and lost interest in physical intimacy, what would you want and expect your wife to do? Approach it that way. But the other side of the question is, were this to happen to me, what would I be willing to offer my wife? And while most men might not be as engaged and active sexually as their partners might ideally prefer, I doubt they'd cut their spouses off completely. No sexual touch, no intimate activity, no fun at at all. Age and infirmity will bring obstacles and roadblocks. Love is about trying to meet those challenges - together... Mr. Lucky
DKT3 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I don't understand the total lack of effort. I mean she could give something...Not even hugs or kisses? Patient man.
Telemachus Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 But the other side of the question is, were this to happen to me, what would I be willing to offer my wife? And while most men might not be as engaged and active sexually as their partners might ideally prefer, I doubt they'd cut their spouses off completely. No sexual touch, no intimate activity, no fun at at all. Age and infirmity will bring obstacles and roadblocks. Love is about trying to meet those challenges - together... Mr. Lucky It's not the other side of the question. It's the same question.
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