waiting_game Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Basically we broke up 2 months ago. Shes never gone more than a few days without contacting me. Anyway 2 weeks ago she wanted to see if i was out, we met up and it was fine, the day after i made the mistake of asking her out, she said she isnt ready.... fast forward 2 weeks weve spoke everyday, shes been to see me 4 or 5 times and yesterday told me she still loves me and never stopped. Today she was short with me, i said im getting a bit tired of the defensive side of things, if we want this we need to just go for it... suddenly its an argument which emds with her using that horrible line again 'i told you i wasnt ready yet anyway'. Its doing my head in. Why the hell come back, say you love someone but throw the towel in every single time it gets remoteley hard and using that line everytime puts all the blame onto me for apparently not listening Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Basically we broke up 2 months ago. Shes never gone more than a few days without contacting me. Anyway 2 weeks ago she wanted to see if i was out, we met up and it was fine, the day after i made the mistake of asking her out, she said she isnt ready.... fast forward 2 weeks weve spoke everyday, shes been to see me 4 or 5 times and yesterday told me she still loves me and never stopped. Today she was short with me, i said im getting a bit tired of the defensive side of things, if we want this we need to just go for it... suddenly its an argument which emds with her using that horrible line again 'i told you i wasnt ready yet anyway'. Its doing my head in. Why the hell come back, say you love someone but throw the towel in every single time it gets remoteley hard and using that line everytime puts all the blame onto me for apparently not listening If she's not ready walk away. She's asking you for space so give it to her. Pull away. She is stringing you along and you keep falling for it. Don't hang out with her, don't ask her out. She's not ready accept what she is saying and give it her. Stop chasing after her. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoul16 Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Sounds like you're in the same boat as me pal. Any pressure and she flips out, my advice, and advice I should've taken myself, is to let things happen naturally, without all the talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 to quote Marc878 from your other thread You are your worst problem. You allow yourself to be strung along. Link to post Share on other sites
Bromeo Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 to quote Marc878 from your other thread Well, in his defense, we all get there at our own pace. Took me 4 months of stringing. Maybe I'm just more stubborn than most. But, I can walk away knowing I did everything I could to fix things, so there. lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Dude, you're not listening to her. SHE FEELS bad, so SHE GETS TO UNLOAD her feelings onto you. This doesn't give you the right to ask her to put those words into action. No! You are HER CRYING PILLOW until SHE DOESN'T NEED one anymore. Then you'll be done. SHE NEEDS to work through it, and to do that, SHE NEEDS you. Do you understand your role in this now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Basically we broke up 2 months ago. Shes never gone more than a few days without contacting me. Anyway 2 weeks ago she wanted to see if i was out, we met up and it was fine, the day after i made the mistake of asking her out, she said she isnt ready.... fast forward 2 weeks weve spoke everyday, shes been to see me 4 or 5 times and yesterday told me she still loves me and never stopped. Today she was short with me, i said im getting a bit tired of the defensive side of things, if we want this we need to just go for it... suddenly its an argument which emds with her using that horrible line again 'i told you i wasnt ready yet anyway'. Its doing my head in. Why the hell come back, say you love someone but throw the towel in every single time it gets remoteley hard and using that line everytime puts all the blame onto me for apparently not listening You're comfortable, familiar and a source of attention. She wants what she needs but nothing more than that -- dumpers go through their own phase of detaching and transitioning into singledom. For now, you're a soft spot to land on while she figures out her next steps. The reason she gets annoyed is because she doesn't want to deal with your expectations -- she knows she can't give you what you want and she knows the reality of what she feels. Stop allowing her to dictate. It's a break-up. Treat it as such. Go strict NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Telemachus Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 My wife said I never listen to her...at least, that's what I think she said; I wasn't really listening. It's an old joke, but there's defiinte truth in it for many of us. Loving someone and wanting to be with that person are not the same thing, certainly not in every case. You have to accept that. You can love some dearly and have contact once a year. I love all of my exes; we just choose not to be regular companions any longer. My first wife and I haven't spoken in about 27 years, but I still love her, and I expect that she loves me similarly. We wish each other well, but we've chosen to do other things with other people now. It's not unusual at all. I'm not saying that it's like blood relatives, but with respect to contact it is. Often, adult siblings, especially once their parents are deceased, find that they have little in common despite a shared childhood, and they are rarely in contact with each other. They love each other no less, even if they don't really care to be in the same room together. Maybe you and she will fully reconcile and be companions again, but there's nothing unusual about her wanting some distance while still loving you. The fact that you're still arguing is a good indication that she's exercising good judgment in seeking that distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 Well, in his defense, we all get there at our own pace. Took me 4 months of stringing. Maybe I'm just more stubborn than most. But, I can walk away knowing I did everything I could to fix things, so there. lol That is understandable, but some men's ability to always believe they can 'fix" things is a double edge sword. Specially if the dumper doesn't give you the REAL problem and you are just trying to fix the wrong thing. OP your being strung along and the more you play the role as a (pillow) or dumping grounds for her emotions...someone else will reap the benefits of the good emotions. See how that works? She spends all day keeping a happy like composure to everyone and goes home and unloads her depression on to you. You will soon be associated in hind sight with her depression and when you release this depression, she will start the day again and others will reap profits of your therapy and she will slowly disconnect from you as you'll resolve all her emotional baggage for the time being or until another guy becomes her emotional pillar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bromeo Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 That is understandable, but some men's ability to always believe they can 'fix" things is a double edge sword. Specially if the dumper doesn't give you the REAL problem and you are just trying to fix the wrong thing. Sweet, you are usually quite on point. My experience taught me never to chase. Ever. Again. The paradox of being strung along is that the dumper is too weak to sever ties completely, and dribbles out nuggets to keep the dumpee hanging, knowing that they cannot or will not resume the relationship or work to reconcile. The dumper is aware they are causing the dumpee pain as a result, and a toxic, painful cycle is created until the dumpee is strong enough to walk away. Ironically, this causes the dumpee additional pain, as he/she engages in "What ifs". I know this, because this is what happened to me. I found myself questioning every text I sent and received, and waiting all week for one message. Its an insidious condition to be in which destroys your self-confidence without you realizing. ROCK SOLID NC for 2.5 months, reading and working on myself to find deeper understanding, along with the feeling of the opposite sex being attracted to me, flirting, sending messages all day, and just wanting to be with me is what pulled my ego back up. That is the way things should be, not what I, and OP experienced. Be safe everyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aurorakl Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 My wife said I never listen to her...at least, that's what I think she said; I wasn't really listening. It's an old joke, but there's defiinte truth in it for many of us. Loving someone and wanting to be with that person are not the same thing, certainly not in every case. You have to accept that. You can love some dearly and have contact once a year. I love all of my exes; we just choose not to be regular companions any longer. My first wife and I haven't spoken in about 27 years, but I still love her, and I expect that she loves me similarly. We wish each other well, but we've chosen to do other things with other people now. It's not unusual at all. I'm not saying that it's like blood relatives, but with respect to contact it is. Often, adult siblings, especially once their parents are deceased, find that they have little in common despite a shared childhood, and they are rarely in contact with each other. They love each other no less, even if they don't really care to be in the same room together. Maybe you and she will fully reconcile and be companions again, but there's nothing unusual about her wanting some distance while still loving you. The fact that you're still arguing is a good indication that she's exercising good judgment in seeking that distance. You and your first wife still love eachother? Maybe I'm just naive because I have never been married but I always thought that if you love someone then you should do anything to make it work. OP, to me you are not necessarily being strung along but she seems more confused than anything else. I'm sure she does love you but maybe also scared that it won't work our or something. I would give her space and if she doesn't contact you with anything concrete then tell her you are done Link to post Share on other sites
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