Hanging by a thread that probably should be snipped [UPDATE: ex emails drunk]

[1fish2fish]

Jeebus, how can someone be proud of not knowing how to build bridges after they've stuffed up?

 

Honestly I think that the passive aggressive route was fairly predictable. Alcoholics get stuck at the mental age the addiction took hold. Plus everything you've said indicates a guy who does not process emotions well or communicate them effectively, I would guess is slightly conflict avoidant too.

 

Really?? That makes sense but it also means that he became an alcoholic in his late teens.

[1fish2fish]

I'm feeling better this morning, but, sadly, I know it won't last. I know all too well the ups and downs awaiting me thanks to reading everyone's stories.

 

I got together with my mentor last night for dinner. He's like a father to me and I respect his opinion greatly. He also knows me better than anyone.

 

I showed him my text exchange with the exbf and he said that I did overreact, only slightly, though. He said that it was obvious I needed something...a little kindness and understanding. The same kindness and understanding I showed my ex when he was in a bad mood 4 weeks ago and shut me out for nearly an entire weekend with no explanation, and I texted him on the Saturday night saying that I loved him and hoped he felt better.

 

The same kindness and understanding I showed him every time he was in a bad mood...which was frequently.

 

 

Because that's how relationships are supposed to be. Being kind to our partners, even when they're in a bad mood. Or hangry.

 

Of course, this only made me want to reach out in a panic and apologize, but the mentor said no....that if my ex had any class at all, once he cools down, he should be at my door. Actually, the mentor said he should have been at my door Sunday evening, but I told him that the ex doesn't drive after he starts drinking, and that he starts drinking as soon as he's home from work (he had a side job that day.)

 

Since I absolutely know he will never do that because of his pride, then it wasn't meant to be. Obviously.

[EmilyJane]

Really?? That makes sense but it also means that he became an alcoholic in his late teens.

 

I know right?

 

That's what someone on here mentioned. I think Altair or Bluespower or Saveyourheart.

[Nothingtolose]

Really?? That makes sense but it also means that he became an alcoholic in his late teens.

 

My boyfriend started drinking and doing drugs in his teens. He stopped doing hard drugs and now only drinks and smokes pot, but I'm sure all of these years of drinking and drug used have influenced his brain.

 

I definitely wouldn't say he is bipolar but he does seem to be fine one day and then very down for no apparent reason the next, snappy/grumpy/moody for no real reason, and very easily triggered during fights.

[1fish2fish]

My boyfriend started drinking and doing drugs in his teens. He stopped doing hard drugs and now only drinks and smokes pot, but I'm sure all of these years of drinking and drug used have influenced his brain.

 

I definitely wouldn't say he is bipolar but he does seem to be fine one day and then very down for no apparent reason the next, snappy/grumpy/moody for no real reason, and very easily triggered during fights.

 

That's exactly how my ex was too. But I was always kind to him when he was in a bad mood and I'd reassure him that I loved him and gave him his space.

 

Funny how the one time I'm grumpy, he loses his sh*t and dumps me and accuses me of overreacting.

 

I've wondered where on the spectrum he was with Borderline Personality Disorder, or maybe even depression. I've been told by his best friend that he hadn't been so happy with life until I came along.

 

5 days NC. I'm up and down, but I'm functioning okay. Just sad to varying degrees.

[Nothingtolose]

That's exactly how my ex was too. But I was always kind to him when he was in a bad mood and I'd reassure him that I loved him and gave him his space.

 

Funny how the one time I'm grumpy, he loses his sh*t and dumps me and accuses me of overreacting.

 

Yep, same here. The worst thing is that you do end up walking on eggshells often, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of using the wrong words or raising uncomfortable topics of conversation.

 

Also, being around people like that brings us down. My partner can be awesome when he's not having one of his moody days, but I never know when those will pop up, and when they do, it's like our home is under this black cloud of grumpiness and negativity. It's very energy draining, especially for me, as I'm naturally I pretty chatty and positive person.

[EmilyJane]

That's exactly how my ex was too. But I was always kind to him when he was in a bad mood and I'd reassure him that I loved him and gave him his space.

 

Funny how the one time I'm grumpy, he loses his sh*t and dumps me and accuses me of overreacting.

 

I've wondered where on the spectrum he was with Borderline Personality Disorder, or maybe even depression. I've been told by his best friend that he hadn't been so happy with life until I came along.

 

5 days NC. I'm up and down, but I'm functioning okay. Just sad to varying degrees.

 

It's not BPD, that diagnosis is used on here too much. It's really just a category of a collection of behaviours in interpersonal relationships deemed undesirable by current standards. It's actually rarely used by mental health professionals, and is mostly very popular with American psychotherapists (this is the category of therapeutic practice attributed to Freud and elaborated by his students). It says nothing about how or why the behaviours formed. It's basically a description not an illness, says nothing as to cause or path to treatment. It's essentially medically unhelpful and is more a social judgment snd a product of an age where we like to describe everything socially undesirable or different as an illness. Personality disorders have always been a bit dodgy and have a different history of description.

 

And in the young it is much more common, because they've not had the experiences yet that stimulate better adaptation to appropriate emotional regulation. That isn't considered to be BPD even in those who advocate the disorders inclusion in medical texts.

 

A long term substance abuser can be stuck in an earlier maturity level, having been protected from their own emotions by their substance of choice and by using substances to regulate their own moods and emotions for such a long time they can't or don't want to (because to addicts nothing is as good as their drug) manage anything let alone complex emotions and self regulation without them.

 

And that drug isn't consistently in their system - so you see different levels of managing emotions and stress and every other bit of life varying with the substance as well as the effects of being high vs coming down (eg hungover) but that is different from being on the upper end of the BPD spectrum. As well as all the other changes to the body long term abuse has wrought and their effect on moods and management etc.

 

Also BPD along with histrionic to a certain extent describes socially conditioned female responses whereas narcissiscm etc the male. That is another clue that it describes something a bit iffy.

 

And you have to remember that these sorts of supposed disorders are not mental illnesses like depression and bi polar etc where the mood symptoms are caused by brain chemical deficiencies etc. The brain chemicals and mood hormones of the adult personality borderline disordered work perfectly fine, they just don't regulate their own emotions well because they didn't learn how and found ways to manage them through (largely abusively) others and usually have continued for many many years CHOOSING to not learn differently or face their social maladaption in any constructive way. Often despite many many signs that they are the problem.

 

So true mental illnesses the mood emotion and other symptomology is present exclusive of social cues, BPD & similar mood changes and emotional responses are always related to interpersonal situations.

 

Your dude is showing the mood effects of being a long term alcoholic. I'm sorry but BPD is not the big explanation you are looking for. One that means you can finally understand and know what he needs.

 

You have that already. He's an alcoholic.

 

Yes often with men they are self medicating for sn underlying condition, usually mental illness (which we've established is best viewed as distinct from the personality disordered) and long term addicts show an awful lot of manipulative socially maladaptive behaviour but that is different from being personality disordered.

 

I know mine did actually have a severe mental illness but he always did, when it is that severe it becomes obvious early and had only been abusing alcohol as his stress exceeded his treatment. He hadn't yet been long term or become dependent on it according to the doctors. I have to emphasise I think this was an exception, not the rule and it has actually made things a lot harder in the aftermath. Because I still had to leave and knowing it doesn't mean he will suddenly be capable of being my partner. I know it seems hopeful externally because he's apologising and stopped drinking and is on medication and in therapy. But I don't think that is common and it is triggered by how severe his symptoms became and I am skeptical it will last.

 

There's a lot of lit out there on addicts and common behaviour and the links with long term depressant causing/triggering/exacerbating mood disorders if you think there is more than just long term substance abuse at play. Theres a good forum and info site Saveyourheart referred me to soberrecovery.com.

Edited April 22, 2017 by EmilyJane

[1fish2fish]

That was brilliant, Emily Jane, and so very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. I'll be referring back to it frequently, I'm sure.

 

I was trying to remember a time that we were together where he wasn't doing one of the following:

 

1. Drinking

2. Smoking cigs

3. Smoking weed

4. Chewing tobacco

 

Sometimes all 4 in the same evening. Ew.

 

I can't think of one.

 

 

This morning I woke up and the ex wasn't the first thing on my mind. This makes me happy.

[1fish2fish]

Yep, same here. The worst thing is that you do end up walking on eggshells often, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of using the wrong words or raising uncomfortable topics of conversation.

 

Also, being around people like that brings us down. My partner can be awesome when he's not having one of his moody days, but I never know when those will pop up, and when they do, it's like our home is under this black cloud of grumpiness and negativity. It's very energy draining, especially for me, as I'm naturally I pretty chatty and positive person.

 

 

YES! All of this!

 

I was so exhausted from being on guard and I think this is why I kept him at arm's length. I never pushed to see him more than once or twice a week for a few hours. I'm a very happy and positive person too, normally, and rarely cry, unless I'm watching a sad movie or a Sarah McLachlan commercial on homeless animals.

 

Right now what I'm feeling is peace.

 

Day 6.

[1fish2fish]

Day 7. 1 week ago I "ruined" his Easter dinner and he dumped me via fb.

 

You know what I'm regretting now? My biggest regret is that I never confronted him about his addictions. Because if I had, he would have interpreted it as an ultimatum. (He was good at twisting my words around.) It was easier to put up with it and keep my mouth shut and think that he'll come to that realization himself...like he did about his weight and getting back in shape.

 

So now I'm worrying that because I never brought up the subject, he won't know he's an addict and that he's also depressed. He admitted to me once, very casually and matter of factly, that he has a dependence on alcohol. Dependence sounds better than addiction or alcoholism, I guess.

 

I was the only person close to him that didn't drink daily and never smoked. I'm trying to remember that it's not my problem anymore. But it's still hard.

 

1 week ago everything changed. I've got fun plans with a friend today, so I know I'll be strong enough to not reach out.

 

The only way out of this sadness is through. I hope one day he'll realize that, too.

[1fish2fish]

After 10 days of feeling good, relieved, strong and over it, in general, now I'm feeling badly about the way things ended. I think I'm romanticizing our relationship because my thinking is along the lines of "I can't believe this happened between us." As if "us" had a strong emotional bond.

 

I ran into mutual friends of ours last night at dinner. They are 20 years older and thought of my ex as a son. He did work on their condo years ago and they became friends. I met them through my ex, and they loved me. She was so disappointed to hear we had broken up and asked how he was doing. I gave a small smile and said, "I'm sure he's doing fine." She asked how I was doing and I said the same.

 

All I said was that he was a great guy but sucked at relationships. I felt bad for even saying that so I made light of it and said we were just too incompatible.

 

I mean, she was really, really sad to hear the news. And now I'm feeling sad. I do miss him. The sober him. The him with amazing potential to be an excellent partner. And I feel guilty for ruining Easter dinner, even though he sent me that rude text. I'm blaming myself again. *sigh*

 

donotreachout*donotreachout*donotreachout

[newheart]

After 10 days of feeling good, relieved, strong and over it, in general, now I'm feeling badly about the way things ended. I think I'm romanticizing our relationship because my thinking is along the lines of "I can't believe this happened between us." As if "us" had a strong emotional bond.

 

I ran into mutual friends of ours last night at dinner. They are 20 years older and thought of my ex as a son. He did work on their condo years ago and they became friends. I met them through my ex, and they loved me. She was so disappointed to hear we had broken up and asked how he was doing. I gave a small smile and said, "I'm sure he's doing fine." She asked how I was doing and I said the same.

 

All I said was that he was a great guy but sucked at relationships. I felt bad for even saying that so I made light of it and said we were just too incompatible.

 

I mean, she was really, really sad to hear the news. And now I'm feeling sad. I do miss him. The sober him. The him with amazing potential to be an excellent partner. And I feel guilty for ruining Easter dinner, even though he sent me that rude text. I'm blaming myself again. *sigh*

 

donotreachout*donotreachout*donotreachout

 

DO NOT REACH OUT!

 

First, it is NOT your obligation to inform him that he is an addict. (Warning: some tough love to follow!)

 

He has an addiction (or dependence on alcohol, however you want to phrase it) but do you truly believe that you have enough power over him to define his issue or inform him of his "addict" label, and enable him to make these changes simply by you bringing it to his attention? Think about what you wrote, because I know that you are feeling guilt over this but I promise you two things: this was/is not your responsibility in any way, and people who have these issues only truly make changes to their life when they recognize it and are motivated to do so, not because someone says, "Hey, you know you are an addict right?" and they respond, "Oh, wow, never realized that! Thanks for bringing it to my attention, I will stop now!" (Lol - I am trying to be funny but I think you understand my point) Even when people hit rock bottom and decide to make changes for their lives for themselves, it is difficult and sometimes unsuccessful.

 

You said it yourself: You miss the sober him (he is not sober). You miss the potential (which is saying, you miss your fantasy, the dream version you've concocted, not the reality of what it ever was). And trust me, I get this completely - I've spent a lot of time (wasted too much time) being sad over what "should have been" or what "we could have had", not what we actually had.

 

Please check in and let us know that you have maintained no contract! (((hugs)))

[1fish2fish]

DO NOT REACH OUT!

 

First, it is NOT your obligation to inform him that he is an addict. (Warning: some tough love to follow!)

 

He has an addiction (or dependence on alcohol, however you want to phrase it) but do you truly believe that you have enough power over him to define his issue or inform him of his "addict" label, and enable him to make these changes simply by you bringing it to his attention? Think about what you wrote, because I know that you are feeling guilt over this but I promise you two things: this was/is not your responsibility in any way, and people who have these issues only truly make changes to their life when they recognize it and are motivated to do so, not because someone says, "Hey, you know you are an addict right?" and they respond, "Oh, wow, never realized that! Thanks for bringing it to my attention, I will stop now!" (Lol - I am trying to be funny but I think you understand my point) Even when people hit rock bottom and decide to make changes for their lives for themselves, it is difficult and sometimes unsuccessful.

 

You said it yourself: You miss the sober him (he is not sober). You miss the potential (which is saying, you miss your fantasy, the dream version you've concocted, not the reality of what it ever was). And trust me, I get this completely - I've spent a lot of time (wasted too much time) being sad over what "should have been" or what "we could have had", not what we actually had.

 

Please check in and let us know that you have maintained no contract! (((hugs)))

 

Thank you, Newheart.

 

I didn't reach out, and I didn't check his social media. (He's blocked on my fb account, but I have a secondary one.) I'm really not that tempted to do either because I don't want to do anything to set me back, but I am still a little down. I'll take a little down over crying on the sofa any day.

 

You're right. It wasn't my responsibility to tell him he's an addict, not that it would have done any good. He's 47 yo. and has no self awareness. I don't have much hope for him.

 

I'm leaving tomorrow for a few weeks to the mountains (pre-planned trip) and I'm so looking forward to some healing time.

 

How are you doing, Newheart? I hope you're feeling better and better every day.

[newheart]

Thank you, Newheart.

 

I didn't reach out, and I didn't check his social media. (He's blocked on my fb account, but I have a secondary one.) I'm really not that tempted to do either because I don't want to do anything to set me back, but I am still a little down. I'll take a little down over crying on the sofa any day.

 

You're right. It wasn't my responsibility to tell him he's an addict, not that it would have done any good. He's 47 yo. and has no self awareness. I don't have much hope for him.

 

I'm leaving tomorrow for a few weeks to the mountains (pre-planned trip) and I'm so looking forward to some healing time.

 

How are you doing, Newheart? I hope you're feeling better and better every day.

 

Good for you!

 

A trip to the mountains sounds wonderful, and great timing! A little distance can do wonders for your perspective. I really think it will be healing for you.

 

I am actually doing really well ... I was driving home from work the other day and made it all the way home and realized I never thought once about passing my ex (it was a daily concern I'd see him on the commute, and I was always watching cars going the other direction, worrying!). It was a very freeing feeling to realize that gradually, I am letting go. I am taking time for me and doing some things to better myself, and every day is a bit better. I am actually realizing that this is what is was best, and I deserve better.

[1fish2fish]

Well...f*ck.

 

No, I haven't contacted him, nor will I.

 

But my next door neighbor who is watching my house while I'm away texted me to say she saw him retrieving his ladder from my backyard and leave with it. He was going to check the flashing on my roof and dropped it off about a month ago until he had time to do it.

 

I don't know why, but it felt like a heat wave went through my body. The blood just drained from my head. I just don't understand my reaction. Maybe it's symbolic that he doesn't care anything at all about me. Fixing up my house was his way of showing me he cared so I think that's why I had such a strong reaction.

 

What is amusing though is that he didn't bother leaving any of MY stuff on my front porch in return. He knew I was away...which is why he came to get the ladder.

 

I'm so tired of cowards. And yet, I'm so sad, too. F*ck.

[greenleaf2004]

I have nothing to offer but a ((((BIG HUG)))) to you. I know how it feels to be belittled and made into a joke by a person that I cared about. It feels terrible.

[1fish2fish]

I have nothing to offer but a ((((BIG HUG)))) to you. I know how it feels to be belittled and made into a joke by a person that I cared about. It feels terrible.

 

Oh sweetie, I know you understand. And I'm so sorry you do. I think what you're going through is worse - you actually got a letter detailing how you didn't meet his "needs" (I'm still in shock at the gall!). I'm being completely ignored, which will make things easier in the long run, but man...it really hurts now.

 

Truth be told, all he gave me were words. They sound nice, the "I love you" and "I'm never going to let you go", but they can't stand alone. They're hollow words. I'm sure he meant them as he said them, but he hasn't the ability to make love an action.

 

Thanks for reaching out. We'll both get through this and one day look back and laugh at this. (((hugs))) back!

[1fish2fish]

2 months NC from my cowardly, addict ex.

 

I've also deleted and blocked all of his friends and family members, save for one - his Dad. His Dad thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and he was always so kind to me (as were all of his family members, but I was extra close with his dad.)

 

The parents don't live in the area, and I truly believe they have no clue as to the depth of their son's immaturity and addictions (he's 47). I'm quite positive too, that they got a total rewrite of what actually went down with our breakup, because the ex is a blameshifter and nothing is ever his fault.

 

Should I delete the Dad too? Could I send him a message explaining why (without going into any detail) - something along the lines of "I'm sorry things didn't work out with X, thanks for being so kind to me"???

 

It's not my job to tell him how f*cked up his son is, nor do I want anything to get back to the douchebag. But I am an inherently nice person who gives a sh*t about people's feelings - especially people who are/were kind to me.

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

Your EX's father will understand that you deleted him because you stopped dating his son. It's obvious. No explanation needed but if you truly liked & respected the dad you can say good bye to the dad but do not discuss the son.

[1fish2fish]

Your EX's father will understand that you deleted him because you stopped dating his son. It's obvious. No explanation needed but if you truly liked & respected the dad you can say good bye to the dad but do not discuss the son.

 

That's what I was thinking, too. Thanks, Donni.

 

His parents were so good to me, and they are class acts. Don't know what happened to their son.

Edited June 5, 2017 by 1fish2fish

[PegNosePete]

I would just delete him quietly. Chances are he won't even notice. Sending a message would just bring it to his attention, and if he's been fed a different story might make him angry or upset, and it almost certainly would get back to your ex. Best to just disappear from his friends list one day.

[1fish2fish]

I would just delete him quietly. Chances are he won't even notice. Sending a message would just bring it to his attention, and if he's been fed a different story might make him angry or upset, and it almost certainly would get back to your ex. Best to just disappear from his friends list one day.

 

 

If it were anyone else I'd agree 100%.

 

But his dad is in his early 80's, a disabled vet, and a very smart man. He's not the type to get angry or upset, unless it was at the son. I always got the impression he knew I was the best thing that ever happened to his son.

 

He always asked the ex about me, and when the ex told him it didn't work out (after short breakup #2), his dad replied, "That's a shame. I'm sorry to hear that," in a disappointed tone.

 

I have a soft spot for other people's parents who welcome me into the family with open arms. Growing up with 2 abusive, violent, addict parents makes me appreciate love more.

 

I sent him a short message, thanking him for his (and his wife's) kindness to me and wished him well. Then I deleted him. The final tie has been severed.

[1fish2fish]

I've been 2 mths NC.

 

This just showed up in my email inbox:

 

"Are you even going to come down and get whatever you believe belongs to you? E.g. Dry erase board, workout bands, etc.?"

 

How do I handle this? Keep in mind I've written off all of my stuff (about $700 worth of exercise equipment) and have been slowly replacing it.

 

Should I just respond and say, "Keep it" ?

[1fish2fish]

My exH (with whom I'm good friends) said that it sounds whiny to him and that ignoring it is fine.

 

I think he's right.

[penelopeanne]

so hard to let go of an ex's family, parent etc.....

that is a tough part of a break up for me.

and then that email, ugh. (hugs)