Hanging by a thread that probably should be snipped [UPDATE: ex emails drunk]

[1fish2fish]

Yeah, that weird email. He's not a good communicator in general, and this is the way he first asked me over for dinner..."Are you gonna let me cook for you or what?"

 

He's also big into control. Probably because his inner self is a soup sandwich. I am not giving over my power to him again.

 

Above all else, I have to take care of me.

 

I deleted the email.

[mightycpa]

Have you no friends that could go fetch the stuff for you?

[1fish2fish]

I really don't want to put anyone in the middle of this. Also, he's already picked up HIS stuff from my backyard when he knew I wasn't home. I have an enclosed, unlocked front porch. He could have dropped my stuff off at the same time.

 

It's all a power play.

 

So...what do you all think of this? This was a suggested response from my mentor/father figure:

 

"Dxxxx, thanks for your concern. Please find a good home for the stuff--hopefully child recipient-you choose. Hope you are well."

 

I'm not sure what he meant by the child recipient part though...lol

[PegNosePete]

If you're happy to write the stuff off then ignore the email and set up a message rule to send all future emails from him to trash before you've even read them.

[1fish2fish]

Thanks, Peg.

 

I had already replied:

 

"Dxxx,

 

Thanks for your concern.

 

Please find a good home for the stuff or keep it for your own use - you choose.

 

Hope you are well."

 

In this case, a cordial reply was, indeed, way classier than just ignoring it, especially with his "Are you even..." crap.

 

My email settings are now set to auto delete for his emails.

 

While I am a huge proponent of "no contact", there are exceptions, and this was one of them.

[1fish2fish]

The gal who first set us up last year told me last night that my ex called her. He was drunk, of course.

 

She said that he told her that I changed his life by motivating him to get back in shape and eat right...and that he'll always be grateful to me for that...and that he loved it when I'd suggest alternative things to eat...blah, blah, blah.

 

What struck me was that there was nothing about missing me as a person, it was all about missing the benefits of being with me. This is completely indicative of our entire relationshi* - it was all about how what I could do for him and how I made him feel. He never asked questions to get to know me. Not one. No wonder we never had any emotional intimacy.

 

My friend assured me she wasn't going to be my messenger b*tch but she thought I'd want to know and could handle it after 2 mths of separation.

 

Oh, but she did tell him, "1 fish is doing fantastic! She's a freak of nature!"

 

She's a good friend.

 

I do feel sad for him that he's hurting because I don't like to see people in pain. However, not my monkeys, not my circus. I can't help him.

Edited June 12, 2017 by 1fish2fish
grammar

[InvisiBlonde]

So - I drew a line. I'm not going to let anyone I'm dating make me cry again. Last night I stopped over at the bf's place and we had another evening of not being able to communicate and he got frustrated - again - with me - because it's always my fault - and I got up and left because I started to cry. I had just had it at that point. I don't even remember what had been said. But I do remember him throwing up his hands in exasperation. . . I haven't heard from him since and I know I won't. I'm so tired of always being the one to reach out first. . . Of course he has wonderful qualities, but I wonder if they're mostly superficial. . . I feel like I'm turning myself into a pretzel to not antagonize him in order to make him happy. Ugh. This isn't me or how I want to be.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

You are inspiring me this morning! Thank you so much!

 

Good for you!

[1fish2fish]

So, I've been doing well, and it's been 3 months of no contact. I've been doing the hard inner self work, and am starting to reap positive results from it.

 

I made an offhand remark to my therapist about how my only regret in my relationship with the addict was not standing up to him and confronting him with his addiction to alcohol. I was the classic enabler. Plus, he had a gift for blame shifting and (as a friend stated) would "bully" me to tears. Ugh.

 

I have no doubt that he has no idea why we broke up. (If you read what happened, the whole thing was so passive aggressive and I completely removed myself from the situation/relationship without official "closure".) He's done that with all his prior relationships - acted like the victim and saying he had no idea what happened.

 

My therapist jumped on my remark and said, "Why don't you send him a letter and just tell him that if he ever decides to confront his addictions, I would support him as much as I was able to."

 

I'm not sure I agree with this for the following reasons:

 

1. It may set me back emotionally, even if I state in the later that there's no need for him to respond. I am my #1 priority right now.

 

2. I reached out first the previous 2 times we broke up and nothing was addressed or worked through, but yet we picked up where we left off.

 

3. I'd be handing over my power/dignity by reaching out first yet again.

 

4. It's not my problem.

 

5. This sounds like more enabling to me, especially the whole "I'll support you" part (even though, sadly, I would. But he doesn't need to know that.)

 

6. It's not my problem.

 

I think I mentioned in another post that I had been thinking that I need to switch therapists. Maybe now is the time. lol

 

Thoughts?

 

Oh - and no, the whole "write the letter but don't send it" is a very bad idea. Very bad. It would be way too tempting to put it in that envelope and slap a stamp on it. Nope. Not good for me. Maybe I could write it in my journal, though...No way would I mail that.

[1fish2fish]

I never would have believed it, even after reading so many posts here on LS about how "they always come back," but it's really true.

 

Background: I was in a toxic relationship off and on for a year with an addict - alcohol and weed. Because he was so high functioning, I ignored the initial red flags, and because my self esteem was so poor, I made excuses for him when the flags turned into billboards.

 

The breakup: He changed his profile pic on fb from a picture of us to one of his dog. That's how I found out he had "dumped" me. lol I sent him a text that said, "Obviously, this isn't working out for either of us." And that was the last communication to and with him for 3 months.

 

3 months to the day, I got an email from the ex stating that he'd like to get together with me and talk, and to please let him know if this was a possibility.

 

I was curious to hear what he had to say, and at 3 months of NC, I had worked hard on rebuilding my self esteem and was in a much better place. So I replied back, asking when and where he would like to meet.

 

He responded and said, "To be honest, I don't remember sending that email, but it doesn't surprise me. You've been on my mind a lot, and I have some big life changes coming at me fast and I value your opinion and would like to talk to you about it."

 

I replied, "I should have known you wouldn't remember that email because it was sent after 10 pm. You don't remember much past 8 pm."

 

He ignored my snarky remark and suggested a place and time to meet. Ok, fine.

 

I showed up at the tiki bar and we each ordered a drink. He launched in right away about his new job offer that would take him out of state, and I told him that it sounded like a great opportunity and that he should jump on it. A couple of times during our conversation he said that he missed me, but I ignored it.

 

Interesting to note: he never once asked anything about me, except to ask if I was seeing anyone at the time. Then he said something about how he would be moving to VA and that he knew I had wanted to move to VA at one time, and that he missed me...he stopped and I chimed in how I had changed my mind and had decided to stay in the area here. I shared some of the home improvements I was having done on my house, and then he excused himself to the men's room.

 

My guard was up the entire time, so I was a bit stone faced during our conversation. When he came back, he was like a different person. He said, "We can go if you like because you don't look like you want to be here." It caught me off guard, but I said, "uhhh...okay." I offered to pay for my drink, and he got offended and said that he could cover it and that I could leave without waiting for him. I gave him a confused look, and he repeated, "You don't look like you want to be here."

 

I finally broke and said, "You hurt me badly." He then said to wait until we got to the parking lot. Oh boy.

 

He accused me of standing him up "3 times". Huh??? I canceled out on driving out with him to VA to pick up a canoe and then 2 weeks later canceled out on dinner because he was being a jerk to me. I had told him both times why I was canceling, too. I never learned what the 3rd time was, but I told him that I had never stood him up - but backed out of 2 outings because we weren't getting along. Semantics?

 

I told him that he showed me how little he valued me when he chose to break up with me in such a passive aggressive manner. His excuse? "I was mad!" To him, being mad justified his behavior, and that it was all my fault because I made him mad.

 

I started to cry in frustration and said, "Here we go again. You turn everything around so that it's always my fault." He then said with a smirk, "We're at an impasse," and he turned and headed to his truck.

 

3 hours later I got an email from him, wanting to be friends....and that it would be hard to do because he still loved and missed me, but it wouldn't be impossible and that we're supposed to be "adulting". (ha!) He also said that we would just have to accept each other dating other people. He finished by saying that he wouldn't be half the man he is today if it hadn't been for me.

 

Okay, that last line got me. So I replied with a loooooong email, asking why it was so hard for us to communicate and that I owned my part in our demise and that I could have handled things differently. What I wanted was for him to own his stuff. I ended that way too long email by saying, "I can't think straight right now because my last image of you is of you laughing at me while I stood there crying."

 

Out of that looooooong email about communication, and listening to each other, he only addressed the very last line.

 

"C..., you have a twisted little soul. I wasn't "laughing" at you. I merely said, "we're at an impasse," and I turned to walk to my truck while you wept."

 

Something in me clicked. Finally. I was done. DONE. And I knew there really was no hope for him.

 

My final email:

 

"D...,

 

Good luck with you new job and move.

 

I hope one day you find the courage to get sober.

 

Please do not contact me again.

 

Good bye."

 

That was 3 weeks ago, and I finally feel FREE. It's one thing to know intellectually that someone isn't good for you and that you should run away and not look back, but for some of us, it takes a little longer and we won't be ready until we're ready.

 

I look back and shake my head and laugh at his gall in thinking that we could just pick up where we left off without resolving our issues. However, I'm to blame for that, because the last 2 times we broke up, I was the one to reach out and we continued where we left off without any conversation about what broke us up. So I set the example.

 

It's true - people will treat you how you let them, so no wonder he thought we could try again.

 

Since then, I got a new job and have signed up for an Ironman triathlon next year - something I've put off for a couple of years because I wasn't in a good place to focus on training.

 

I am now.

 

Thanks for reading, and thanks to everyone who chimed in on my initial thread offering counsel. It took awhile but it all finally sunk in.

[bummer]

Sounds like much better closure than simply a profile pic change. Good on you for avoiding the friends route.

 

Good luck training. Sounds sadistically rewarding.

[1fish2fish]

 

Good luck training. Sounds sadistically rewarding.

 

That is a PERFECT description of what it entails! I'm going to use it from now on!

 

Yeah, thanks to LS posts, I learned to not go the "friends" route. Gotta admit, initially it was tempting, but then I realized I'd be nothing more than an emotional tampon. No thanks.

[preraph]

I'm sorry this last meeting was so painful, but I hope you are able to move on. The biggest thing that stood out to me is how after 3 months, the only thing he wants to update about you is if you're seeing anyone or not. Lord. But he wants you to be there about his life decisions. I suppose maybe he thought gong to VA was going to get you back or something.

 

On your first post, him liking to put you down was a big red flag. Most people are a mix of good and bad like him. But he's done nothing about his drinking and always has the convenient excuse of "Oh, I don't even remember that" (so it shouldn't count). You support him emotionally, but he does nothing to support you emotionally and only cares about your well-being insofar as curious to know if you're banging someone.

 

I know it's hard. I hope you are okay. As far as "friends," what kind of friend puts you down in front of other people to build themself up? A bad friend who needs to work on himself.

[1fish2fish]

I'm sorry this last meeting was so painful, but I hope you are able to move on. The biggest thing that stood out to me is how after 3 months, the only thing he wants to update about you is if you're seeing anyone or not. Lord. But he wants you to be there about his life decisions. I suppose maybe he thought gong to VA was going to get you back or something.

 

On your first post, him liking to put you down was a big red flag. Most people are a mix of good and bad like him. But he's done nothing about his drinking and always has the convenient excuse of "Oh, I don't even remember that" (so it shouldn't count). You support him emotionally, but he does nothing to support you emotionally and only cares about your well-being insofar as curious to know if you're banging someone.

 

I know it's hard. I hope you are okay. As far as "friends," what kind of friend puts you down in front of other people to build themself up? A bad friend who needs to work on himself.

 

This whole thing has been such a learning experience for me. I never knew how important self esteem was to relationships, specifically, creating and enforcing boundaries, nor did I realize how poor mine was last year.

 

Also, I chose to listen to other people over my gut. Of course, I take FULL responsibility for staying in a toxic relationship, but because the ex is a different person around his friends and can be a good friend, I thought I was missing something. All of his friends sang his praises constantly, and this caused me to doubt myself and what I was feeling.

 

It wasn't until I sought out and put effort into building friendships with some incredible older and wiser women that I stopped questioning myself.

 

Since our meeting, I've felt light...and excited about what's happening in MY life. I've made some challenging physical goals that will consume most of my energy for the next year, and I've put dating on the shelf for now. For the first time in a long time (even prior to dating the ex) I am happy and content and excited about life.