Hanging by a thread that probably should be snipped [UPDATE: ex emails drunk]

[newheart]

Hi there, 1fish2fish,

 

Where to start ... I read through this and thought - wow, another conflict avoidant - then chuckled when I read further and saw you were reading my thread (glad you are getting something from it!).

 

I also see your update, so I realize you are going to see if this works out. I don't blame you for doing that, and I truly hope it works out. I do, however, see some red flags and just think you should remain cognizant of them going forward.

 

I am very concerned about his drinking, and based on what you shared, I would agree he likely has a dependency on alcohol, albeit he is high functioning. A couple things that stood out to me:

 

That's another thing. I think he may an alcoholic. And I grew up with violent and abusive alcoholic parents.

 

I've also been in and out of therapy for over 25 years, and am currently seeing a therapist but I think I need a new one.

 

My ex, with whom I'm still good friends, says that the bf is an addict and that I'm co-dependent. I think he's right.

 

I hate to say, but your ex probably is correct. And the ability to have a healthy relationship with this dynamic, well, I am not a professional but I don't think it really exists. We who grew up in these households look to, even subconsciously, replicate them in our relationships. The fact that he drinks so much, so much that it even impacts you seeing him on the weekdays (I thought I read that somewhere) - do you want to be with someone who belittles you when he drinks, makes you cry then picks on you for it, and essentially drinks so much during the week that it could possibly already be perceived as him choosing alcohol?

 

I am trying to be sensitive to your feelings, I really am, but the thing is - you are accepting these things from someone who you claim to have no emotional connection with. So, why are you putting yourself through this?

 

I think you know the answer, and are far more insightful than you realize with your comment about fixing something from your childhood in this relationship.

[1fish2fish]

His stronger bond is with the booze, and not you. You can't change this.

 

I know. Truly, I do.

 

That's the only thing I think I do know in all of this.

 

I think there's a part of me that thinks that because neither one of us wants to get married again, I'll be able to walk away if/when things get too toxic. How crazy is that thought process?? It also helps that I own my own home and prefer living solo. I'm also looking to move 3 hrs. west from here in the next year, so there's another "out". Pretty twisted, huh?

 

I'm still in my thinking, reading, and absorbing mode. And searching for a new therapist. In the meantime, I've started going to Alanon meetings for insight and support.

[1fish2fish]

Hi there, 1fish2fish,

 

 

I also see your update, so I realize you are going to see if this works out. I don't blame you for doing that, and I truly hope it works out. I do, however, see some red flags and just think you should remain cognizant of them going forward.

Absolutely!

 

 

 

I hate to say, but your ex probably is correct. And the ability to have a healthy relationship with this dynamic, well, I am not a professional but I don't think it really exists. We who grew up in these households look to, even subconsciously, replicate them in our relationships. The fact that he drinks so much, so much that it even impacts you seeing him on the weekdays (I thought I read that somewhere) - do you want to be with someone who belittles you when he drinks, makes you cry then picks on you for it, and essentially drinks so much during the week that it could possibly already be perceived as him choosing alcohol?

Bingo. You nailed it.

 

I am trying to be sensitive to your feelings, I really am, but the thing is - you are accepting these things from someone who you claim to have no emotional connection with. So, why are you putting yourself through this?

Can I get back to you on this? I don't have a good answer right now.

 

 

 

 

What I found interesting today during our walk and talk was that he wanted to know what my triggers were so he could avoid them or at least understand why I might seem like I'm overreacting to him.

 

He only knows that I had a crap childhood. He doesn't know the details though, mainly because I'm tired of talking about it because it was sooooo long ago, and doesn't affect me now...(yeah, I can't even write that without laughing). It doesn't affect me as much now.

 

So I told him a little and how sometimes I don't know what was triggered, only that I feel off and unsettled. By the time I identify what exactly is wrong, it's tidal wave size and just crashes on the beach destroying everything in its wake. I used to explode with anger...now I burst into tears. Geez...how fun do I sound to be around?

 

After our talk we both felt a lot better and much closer. Connected even. Wow! Was that emotional intimacy? I want more.

Edited April 2, 2017 by 1fish2fish
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[spiderowl]

He's making an effort to understand your triggers, which is good ... BUT where is his alcoholism going to lead? Unless he stops drinking or cuts it back dramatically, he is on a downward spiral towards increasingly erratic behaviour. He will become unreliable, unreasonable, and uncaring if you threaten to get between him and alcohol. It doesn't matter how much he is going to try to work with you on communication if he hangs on to alcohol. There is no future in this.

[newheart]

What I found interesting today during our walk and talk was that he wanted to know what my triggers were so he could avoid them or at least understand why I might seem like I'm overreacting to him.

 

He only knows that I had a crap childhood. He doesn't know the details though, mainly because I'm tired of talking about it because it was sooooo long ago, and doesn't affect me now...(yeah, I can't even write that without laughing). It doesn't affect me as much now.

 

So I told him a little and how sometimes I don't know what was triggered, only that I feel off and unsettled. By the time I identify what exactly is wrong, it's tidal wave size and just crashes on the beach destroying everything in its wake. I used to explode with anger...now I burst into tears. Geez...how fun do I sound to be around?

 

After our talk we both felt a lot better and much closer. Connected even. Wow! Was that emotional intimacy? I want more.

 

It is really great that you guys discussed triggers ... it is one of those things I wish I had done with xbf when we had our break in October, and it was clear that we triggered each other. In hindsight, I have (now) figured out what those triggers were due to similar past traumas, but while we each acknowledged we were triggered, we never discussed the how, when, etc. So anyway, that is good!

 

That said, be mindful of the difference between "you being triggered" versus you demanding the respect you deserve. For example, the campfire incident was less about you being triggered; more like he was unkind, you reacted (emotionally, but not entirely unreasonably), and he continued to be unkind. I just wouldn't want you to dismiss his responsibility in his behavior, because that incident wasn't about your trigger, it was him being a d*ck.

[EmilyJane]

I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I also struggle with my bf's temper and the fact that he gets so easily annoyed by things I say/do. I'm also very emotional like you and have cried many times over things he has said or during fights, which seems to aggravate him more, as he's not an emotional person and never cries. Mine also has issues with weed and alcohol, although he has reduced the weed recently and told me today he is going to stop drinking completely during week nights. I've also, like you, been told multiple times that I "ruined the evening" or "am trying to pick a fight", simply for expressing my feelings towards something. We did go to relationship counselling and it helped for a while, but he seemed to eventually reverse to his old ways.

 

I will tell you one thing I have learned in the past few months though: men like him need to be met at their level and dealt with with assertiveness. I've noticed that crying on a regular basis was being interpreted as weakness/not being emotionally stable, which in turn was making him not respect me as much. Recently after getting tired of crying all the time I started being more assertive, acting more confident and calmly stating things like "please lower your voice or stop talking to me" then proceeding to ignore him. It seems to "soften him up" way quicker than any tears of mine ever did.

 

I still dont know if we'll be able to work things out (we're going to live in separate houses for the imminent future) but we can't control other people's actions, only our own. I've been doing counselling, working on my childhoold traumas (angry and emotionally unavailable dad), reading up a ton and it has helped me regain some self-love and confidence, which has also helped me keep my emotions more under control. I'm not saying being an emotional person is a bad thing, but overflowing emotions tend to cloud our brain and not allow us to be confident and stand up for ourselves when we need to. Good luck

 

Omg do you have any idea how many times I have heard the line about reducing weed and alcohol. It lasts like four days max. Then it's a quick three week descent back into the same old stuff.

 

They are addicts. They can't reduce consistently without outside professional support.

[1fish2fish]

Sometimes I feel like I am 2 people - there's one person - the observer, who is watching, taking notes, analyzing data...and the other is the me who is going through the motions, choosing to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy and ignoring/rationalizing away the giant red flags waving.

 

My ex said to me that if I'm going to continue dating him for now (or for ever how long) to get myself into an Alanon program because I will need the support. He knows me well enough to know that a cut and dry break up isn't something I can do easily, despite knowing and agreeing with what everyone here is saying. Maybe I'm behaving the same as someone with addiction - until I'm ready to end things, I won't do it, even if I know it's hurting me.

 

I debated for a long time whether to start my own my thread because I've seen some less than helpful posts on other threads. But I am grateful for every single person who has commented on this thread. So far. lol

 

I will get there. I know I will. In the meantime, I've got a lot of good things going on in my life with a couple big changes on the horizon...none of which he is a part of.

[EmilyJane]

So Fishy have you decided on separating and have told him so?

 

I think you will find that through the pain of loss there is also relief. That you aren't living life in an unpredictable war zone. The peace when they are gone or a bit more seperate is wonderful.

 

I do think it's great to gather up all th avenues of support you can.

 

But why on earth is he telling you to go to alanon? Is he?

 

Edit: I get it the support group for people living with addict

Edited April 3, 2017 by EmilyJane

[breadbin]

Don't just end it because it's the right thing to do. After reading your posts it feels like the both of you are progressing. Sure if you end it now it might save months or even years of hardship and pain but it could also be that you are avoiding the chance of a lifetime.

 

I know this guy has problems, who doesn't? My ex dumped me because I was overweight. I need help, I needed her help. Now I have to do it on my own. Your BF needs help to reduce his alcohol intake. Maybe you are the one to help him with it. Maybe it will be good for you too, make you feel good inside. He probably won't do it on his own because he is using it as a crutch. You have to see why he is drinking after work? Stress in work is my bet.

 

I don't think you should walk away from somebody just because they aren't perfect. It actually seems like he really wants this to work. He is genuinely trying. Think about the time he comes home from work and doesn't reach for the decanter, but maybe he reaches for you instead.

[newheart]

So Fishy have you decided on separating and have told him so?

 

I think you will find that through the pain of loss there is also relief. That you aren't living life in an unpredictable war zone. The peace when they are gone or a bit more seperate is wonderful.

 

I do think it's great to gather up all th avenues of support you can.

 

But why on earth is he telling you to go to alanon? Is he?

 

Edit: I get it the support group for people living with addict

 

I think that it was her ex (who she is friends with) whom suggested she go, not her current/STBX.

 

Even in the absence of this most recent relationship, given her family history it isn't a bad idea, and likely helpful in ending up in a relationship similar to her past.

[1fish2fish]

So Fishy have you decided on separating and have told him so?

 

I think you will find that through the pain of loss there is also relief. That you aren't living life in an unpredictable war zone. The peace when they are gone or a bit more seperate is wonderful.

 

I do think it's great to gather up all th avenues of support you can.

 

But why on earth is he telling you to go to alanon? Is he?

 

Edit: I get it the support group for people living with addict

 

It's actually my exh who I'm still good friends with, who advised me to go to Alanon. My exh is 34 yrs. sober, so he knows addiction.

 

No, I haven't ended things with the bf. He has agreed to go to counseling with me to improve our communication.

 

But in the end his only hope is rehab.

[newheart]

I don't think you should walk away from somebody just because they aren't perfect. It actually seems like he really wants this to work. He is genuinely trying. Think about the time he comes home from work and doesn't reach for the decanter, but maybe he reaches for you instead.

 

This is not about being perfect - no one is perfect. However, accepting or dealing with someone with an addiction comes with a myriad of problems - none of which are simple.

[1fish2fish]

Don't just end it because it's the right thing to do. After reading your posts it feels like the both of you are progressing. Sure if you end it now it might save months or even years of hardship and pain but it could also be that you are avoiding the chance of a lifetime.

 

I know this guy has problems, who doesn't? My ex dumped me because I was overweight. I need help, I needed her help. Now I have to do it on my own. Your BF needs help to reduce his alcohol intake. Maybe you are the one to help him with it. Maybe it will be good for you too, make you feel good inside. He probably won't do it on his own because he is using it as a crutch. You have to see why he is drinking after work? Stress in work is my bet.

I don't think you should walk away from somebody just because they aren't perfect. It actually seems like he really wants this to work. He is genuinely trying. Think about the time he comes home from work and doesn't reach for the decanter, but maybe he reaches for you instead.

 

I think about when my exh first met me back in 2005. I was a mess. I was mean to him. I had anger management issues. I had zero capacity for emotional intimacy. And I had PTSD.

 

He was stable, solid, loving and kind, and he saw something in me that convinced him that I didn't want to stay that way and that all I needed was someone who believed in me. Did he fall in love with my potential? Yeah, probably.

 

But I started to change. And I became the person I was meant to be. I got my sh*t together, got some outside help, and we had a fantastic and loving 10 years together. So why did we divorce? He's an adventurer and can't sit still in one place for more than a couple of months. I'm an adventurer too, but only a month out of the year - completely opposite of him. I told him he should go on his adventures and have a great time! But then I was left home alone for months on end. I want a partner to share things with, and I couldn't follow him. He can't follow me either. So we agreed to legally sever things, but the love is still there. NOT the romantic love. lol We are more like brother and sister. The romance was a huge part of what was missing in our marriage. There wasn't any.

 

Oh, my bf refers to me as his "beautiful motivation." The changes he's made (with zero suggestion from me!) physically are amazing. And it was all him. When he asked me for help, I created a workout and diet plan for him, and he's down 20 lbs of fat mass and up 5 lbs of lean mass. Now he's plateaued and asked me what he can do. I told him to cut back on the sugar intake and that alcohol is basically sugar. I didn't tell him to stop...I said to cut back. He said he'd try.

 

Now that I think about it, when he made me dinner last night, he didn't have a drink in his hand. He was drinking water. Hmmm...

 

 

I really appreciate your comment and I hope you find the support you need to lose weight. There's a lot of false information out there and so many gimmicky diets. It's all about calories. Reduce the number of calories by eating smaller portions and better food (fresh not from a box is best) and aim for no more than a 1-2 lb. weight loss per week. The slower you lose, the more sustainable your weightloss will be. Believe it or not, maintaining weight loss is much harder than losing the weight.

 

And don't forget to move. Even if it's walking around the block or on a treadmill, just move. Daily. It's going to be a lifestyle change, one baby step at a time, but you can totally do it. Good luck!!!

[1fish2fish]

This is not about being perfect - no one is perfect. However, accepting or dealing with someone with an addiction comes with a myriad of problems - none of which are simple.

 

 

If they were simple, none of us would be here.

 

I feel so badly for some posters who have come here, crying out for help, receive the perfect advice, and seemingly ignore it and come back crying again. They (we?) are caught in the cycle and it's spinning so fast, we can't get off. And then those of us who offered the perfect advice get frustrated and either gently (or not so gently) berate the OP for not following said perfect advice or throw up our hands and give up on them, never to post anything again.

 

I wonder if it would be the same way if we were in a support group meeting in person...where we could see the tears and feel their actual pain and hear the anguish in their voice, and knowing they are trying their best.

[breadbin]

I think about when my exh first met me back in 2005. I was a mess. I was mean to him. I had anger management issues. I had zero capacity for emotional intimacy. And I had PTSD.

 

He was stable, solid, loving and kind, and he saw something in me that convinced him that I didn't want to stay that way and that all I needed was someone who believed in me. Did he fall in love with my potential? Yeah, probably.

 

But I started to change. And I became the person I was meant to be. I got my sh*t together, got some outside help, and we had a fantastic and loving 10 years together. So why did we divorce? He's an adventurer and can't sit still in one place for more than a couple of months. I'm an adventurer too, but only a month out of the year - completely opposite of him. I told him he should go on his adventures and have a great time! But then I was left home alone for months on end. I want a partner to share things with, and I couldn't follow him. He can't follow me either. So we agreed to legally sever things, but the love is still there. NOT the romantic love. lol We are more like brother and sister. The romance was a huge part of what was missing in our marriage. There wasn't any.

 

Oh, my bf refers to me as his "beautiful motivation." The changes he's made (with zero suggestion from me!) physically are amazing. And it was all him. When he asked me for help, I created a workout and diet plan for him, and he's down 20 lbs of fat mass and up 5 lbs of lean mass. Now he's plateaued and asked me what he can do. I told him to cut back on the sugar intake and that alcohol is basically sugar. I didn't tell him to stop...I said to cut back. He said he'd try.

 

Now that I think about it, when he made me dinner last night, he didn't have a drink in his hand. He was drinking water. Hmmm...

 

 

I really appreciate your comment and I hope you find the support you need to lose weight. There's a lot of false information out there and so many gimmicky diets. It's all about calories. Reduce the number of calories by eating smaller portions and better food (fresh not from a box is best) and aim for no more than a 1-2 lb. weight loss per week. The slower you lose, the more sustainable your weightloss will be. Believe it or not, maintaining weight loss is much harder than losing the weight.

 

And don't forget to move. Even if it's walking around the block or on a treadmill, just move. Daily. It's going to be a lifestyle change, one baby step at a time, but you can totally do it. Good luck!!!

 

thanks 1fish, it is hard. I have done all the diets and none of them worked. My ex was really impressed because at the start I was doing this diet and full of motivation but it was too severe. I couldn't keep it up. I was eating zero carbs and I lost 4 stone in 10 weeks. way too much but I couldn't keep it up.

 

I understand why I am overweight and what I have to do but getting into the mindset to do it is not easy. I work maybe 4 shifts a week and then do nights and days. I guarantee this is not helping. I'm on my feet all day in work and am absolutely wrecked when I get home. I eat then for comfort and replace food during the day because sometimes i'm so busy I don't get a break. It's vicious. Made all the harder because I have the extra weight. My days off I spend recovering because i'm stiff and sore and then it seems i'm in work again the next day and rinse repeat. I'm tempted so much to just pack it in but I put in a lot of work and study for this career and I always think if I can just get my weight down everything will be so much easier. And it will be.

 

Glad to hear the BF had water with the dinner, he is trying. Glad you noticed it too. That was probably a huge thing for him.

[1fish2fish]

thanks 1fish, it is hard. I have done all the diets and none of them worked. My ex was really impressed because at the start I was doing this diet and full of motivation but it was too severe. I couldn't keep it up. I was eating zero carbs and I lost 4 stone in 10 weeks. way too much but I couldn't keep it up.

 

 

 

You NEED carbs. The good kind - from veggies, potatoes, and whole grain breads. Carbs are what gives us energy and those zero carb diets are NOT sustainable, as you found out. The majority of weight you do lose is water weight, and guess what happens when you do start to introduce carbs back into your diet - you gain all that water weight back.

 

Do you have access to a nutritionist through your health insurance? I think someone who could sit down with you and develop a realistic basic meal plan. Not so much a menu, but maybe helping you to figure out what good options are available that fit into your lifestyle. You can eat well even at fast food restaurants, if you know what to order and what to "hold" (like mayo).

 

For instance, the bf is on the road all day for his job. Fast food was his go to, so we looked up menu items online at all the fast food chains and picked stuff that was better than the fries and burger option. He also carries snacks with him in his car - baby carrots and hummus, lots of fresh fruit, pretzels, bottled water, plain greek yogurt and dried craisins, and a meal replacement bar (like Cliff's bar) for the occasional skipped meal when there are no restaurant options available. (they are still like candy, but as compared to donuts, a tad better.)

 

He's also making his own sandwiches - ham and turkey with mustard on whole grain bread. And 2% sliced cheese. No "fat free" foods, because the fat is replaced with extra sugar to make up for the flavor, but low fat or reduced fat is fine.

 

Small changes like these have made a huge difference, along with lifting weights 30 min/5 days/week. (Just dumbbells and a bench he has at home. No gym for him.)

 

*Sorry for the tangent but I absolutely love this stuff.*

 

PM me if you have any questions, and I will shut up here.

[EmilyJane]

You NEED carbs. The good kind - from veggies, potatoes, and whole grain breads. Carbs are what gives us energy and those zero carb diets are NOT sustainable, as you found out. The majority of weight you do lose is water weight, and guess what happens when you do start to introduce carbs back into your diet - you gain all that water weight back.

 

Do you have access to a nutritionist through your health insurance? I think someone who could sit down with you and develop a realistic basic meal plan. Not so much a menu, but maybe helping you to figure out what good options are available that fit into your lifestyle. You can eat well even at fast food restaurants, if you know what to order and what to "hold" (like mayo).

 

For instance, the bf is on the road all day for his job. Fast food was his go to, so we looked up menu items online at all the fast food chains and picked stuff that was better than the fries and burger option. He also carries snacks with him in his car - baby carrots and hummus, lots of fresh fruit, pretzels, bottled water, plain greek yogurt and dried craisins, and a meal replacement bar (like Cliff's bar) for the occasional skipped meal when there are no restaurant options available. (they are still like candy, but as compared to donuts, a tad better.)

 

He's also making his own sandwiches - ham and turkey with mustard on whole grain bread. And 2% sliced cheese. No "fat free" foods, because the fat is replaced with extra sugar to make up for the flavor, but low fat or reduced fat is fine.

 

Small changes like these have made a huge difference, along with lifting weights 30 min/5 days/week. (Just dumbbells and a bench he has at home. No gym for him.)

 

*Sorry for the tangent but I absolutely love this stuff.*

 

PM me if you have any questions, and I will shut up here.

 

Honey. He's still drinking.

 

Any other diet changes are moot.

 

He is consuming most of his calories in alcohol and it will not matter what he looks on the outside as he will be rotting his liver.

 

Mine lifted. Was anal about nutrition. Makes no difference, he's still an addict who is using.

[preraph]

The counselor may not begin therapy until he stops drinking. I don't necessarily agree with that, but sometimes they do that.

[avvril3000]

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out as I type. My thoughts are too jumbled right now to be coherent in print.

 

We are both in our mid to late 40's - I'm 3 yrs. older. We've been exclusively dating since late September.

 

I've been reading everyone's posts here since late last year and have been taking notes. I've concluded that we have no emotional intimacy, based on our lack of conflict resolution, and he may be conflict avoidant? It feels like when I bring something up, he turns it around to make it be my fault.

 

For instance: We were camping and had a guest join us around the fire pit. We were chatting and I misheard something the guest had said, so I asked for clarification. He explained what he meant and I laughed and said, "Oh, okay. That makes sense. I thought you meant..." and it was very light and fun. BF turned to me and snapped, "Why do you gotta read so much into everything?"

 

I was shocked into silence and didn't say a word until after the guest left. The bf then noticed a tear run down my face and asked what was wrong with me. I calmly said that my feelings were hurt and I felt embarrassed when he said that in front of our guest. That set off a barrage of accusations that I was too sensitive and that I ruined the weekend, etc. etc. For the record, he had been drinking heavily that evening.

 

That's another thing. I think he may an alcoholic. And I grew up with violent and abusive alcoholic parents.

 

I've always had fairly healthy relationships in the past and most of them never drank at all, so this is worrisome to me.

 

I did break up with him the next morning, but we "made up" a week later. There hasn't been another episode to that degree since, however, there have been several on a smaller scale. It's the same pattern. I try and gently tell him that when he says X, it makes me feel belittled. But it gets turned around and he gets very defensive and the issue is never addressed. It's always "I wasn't expecting this today!" or "I tried to say it in the softest tone possible. What more do you want?"

 

and then I cry, which makes it worse. To him.

 

I'm tired of crying.

 

I know I'm extremely sensitive and I have a big heart. He has gotten so much better in so many areas, but at what cost to me?

 

I've also been in and out of therapy for over 25 years, and am currently seeing a therapist but I think I need a new one.

 

My ex, with whom I'm still good friends, says that the bf is an addict and that I'm co-dependent. I think he's right.

 

So - I drew a line. I'm not going to let anyone I'm dating make me cry again. Last night I stopped over at the bf's place and we had another evening of not being able to communicate and he got frustrated - again - with me - because it's always my fault - and I got up and left because I started to cry. I had just had it at that point. I don't even remember what had been said. But I do remember him throwing up his hands in exasperation.

 

We were supposed to pick up a bike this morning, but the thought of being stuck in a truck with him for 6 hrs with tense/forced conversation was just too much and I texted him last night and said I wouldn't be joining him. I haven't heard from him since and I know I won't. I'm so tired of always being the one to reach out first.

 

Of course he has wonderful qualities, but I wonder if they're mostly superficial.

 

We have zero emotional intimacy and he has no conflict resolution skills...other than alcohol. I'm very, very sad because I really wanted things to work with us. Maybe too much. I think I somehow forced things to work as long as they have. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

I feel like I'm turning myself into a pretzel to not antagonize him in order to make him happy. Ugh. This isn't me or how I want to be.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

Leave him. Why be in a relationship with a man who makes you upset and cry all the time? And worse, doesn't "get you". There is someone out there who will treat you better.

[1fish2fish]

We didn't have an official break up discussion or talk about our relationship or anything. It was such a silly thing.

 

I was supposed to go over to his place for dinner - he was making me steak and lamb chops. I texted him at 6 and said I was hangry. He replied, "Stop off somewhere and get some food. I'm not dealing with hangry."

 

It just ticked me off, and I replied, "Okay, I'll just stay home then."

 

He expressed shock, and I said, "That was a mean response." (regarding me being hangry)

 

He waited a bit and texted "sorry".

 

But by then, I was in a bad mood and had lost my appetite, so I told him exactly that and wished him a goodnight.

 

2 hours later I saw he had changed his pics on fb (formerly of us) and he posted some meme about the hardest journey is the one you walk alone.

 

I texted him and said, "Obviously, this isn't working for us. I hope we can still be friends."

 

I didn't want to call, because I knew he'd been drinking.

 

Hard to believe the above episode occurred between 2 people in their late 40's.

 

Anyway, it's over. I'm sad. I'm also co-dependent. And addicted to him. But I can't use this relationship to "fix" my childhood.

 

This really hurts.

[Nothingtolose]

Very sorry to hear that, Fishy I hope he replies and at least offers to meet up so you can talk and get some closure.

 

He sounds like a bit of a grump and someone who doesn't have a lot of patience (my partner can be that way too) and you seem like a very sensitive person (like me). There have been many occasions when my partner said something that came across as abrupt to me and hurt my feelings, and ruined my mood for the entire evening. I used to think it was my issue, being overly sensitive, but you know what? If you were with a man who was a bit kinder, more patient, or even with a better sense of humor/lighter mood, this wouldn't happen. Likewise, if he was with a woman who could just shrug it off and say '**** it' in her head and not give him the time of the day, it probably wouldn't be an issue for them either.

 

Sometimes we're just incompatible and not meant to be, and that hurts, but it's ok, because there are 7 billion people in the world, and they won't be the last ones to cross our paths.

 

I hope you guys have a talk and sort this out, but if you don't, I hope you take some time to heal and focus on you

[1fish2fish]

That was a very kind response, Nothingtolose. Thank you.

 

Normally, I would have been able to let that "mean response" roll off my back, had it been from anyone else. Or I would have made a joke about it. But it definitely wouldn't have triggered my "fed up" button like it did last night.

 

What I have to keep reminding myself is that we had no emotional intimacy at all. He's a very smart man, but has no self awareness. All of our butting of heads is my fault...according to him. The last one, which resulted in me first posting here, he is blaming on me "going through the change" and as a result, overreacting.

 

In actuality, because I've been reading and thinking and seeking guidance, I've drawn lines (finally) on what I will put up with. And I've given myself permission to leave any situation where I see his anger starting to flare up.

 

I'm a kind hearted person by nature and I have a big heart. I've accepted, and excused, more bad behavior from him that I ever have from anyone else.

 

The first time we broke up, he did it via text and blamed me saying that I:

 

1. Never showed any concern that his dog was having surgery to get neutered.

 

and

 

2. I wasn't able to give him the "sexual attention" that he needed.

 

The latter was because all he could talk about was how BJ's were his favorite thing in the world. He'd bring it up constantly, even before our first date. Because I didn't feel like we hadn't established enough of an emotional connection, I never offered.

 

I received that text AFTER I found his profile on POF (after a friend alerted me) and he had actually gone on a date already (he let it slip a few weeks ago) before dumping me.

 

And yet, after 2 months, we re-connected, at my initiation, without discussing how breakup #1 went, and that lasted only a couple of weeks before the camping weekend fiasco I wrote about earlier.

 

That camping weekend he was in a bad mood and had been drinking whiskey heavily that night and also smoking weed. That combo turned him into an angry, verbally abusive drunk. What's even sadder is that to this day, he has no recollection of the ugly words he hurled at me that night.

 

And yet, 2 weeks after that, we got back together after I told him he needed to get his s*it together.

 

Although I'm sad about what happened last night, I still haven't shed a tear. Kinda telling, no?

 

Something Newheart wrote awhile back came to mind. She said something about how looking back if she could do just one thing differently, maybe they'd still be together. I can't remember what it was...Phoning her bf? Offering to get together on the weekend? Something small and benign, but it set the wheel in motion for the abrupt breakup.

 

That's how I'm feeling right now. If I hadn't responded to his abrupt text the way I did and had merely turned it into a joke, we'd still be together. But then, I'd still be dating an alcoholic.

 

I'm rambling, I know. It won't be the last time today, I'm sure.

[1fish2fish]

Oh - and I know there won't be any talking things out. It's not his style. Him taking down his profile pic of us together was his way of breaking up with me.

[1fish2fish]

"How do you know he broke up with you?"

 

"He changed his profile pic from a picture of us to one of his dog."

 

I don't even know what to think anymore. And I'm trying very hard NOT to think about it at all.

[newheart]

Something Newheart wrote awhile back came to mind. She said something about how looking back if she could do just one thing differently, maybe they'd still be together. I can't remember what it was...Phoning her bf? Offering to get together on the weekend? Something small and benign, but it set the wheel in motion for the abrupt breakup.

 

That's how I'm feeling right now. If I hadn't responded to his abrupt text the way I did and had merely turned it into a joke, we'd still be together. But then, I'd still be dating an alcoholic.

 

I'm rambling, I know. It won't be the last time today, I'm sure.

 

(((fish)))

 

THIS ^^^^^ 100%. Just keep reminding yourself of this.

 

I believe in my posts there were a couple very, very minor things that occurred that I had questioned where we'd be today if I hadn't done them (one was a 30 second phone call, the last call I ever made to him the night before my birthday) ... things that with any normal couple, would be a tiny blip on the radar ... but then, I'd still have been dating a dismissive-avoidant who expected me to be a mind reader and inadvertently placed me in a constant state of anxiety trying to please him.

 

Gosh, minus the alcohol (although, my ex also had a taste for it too) I feel like we were dating the same man, lol.

 

One thing you will have to cope with in the ending of this relationship, because he seems so similar to my ex, is that you won't get "closure" ... closure comes from within. He has probably already flipped his feelings switch off, and will not contact you again. Don't reach out. Write here as much as needed, but don't do it.

 

Since you acknowledged your co-dependency and need to heal from childhood trauma, I recommend you check out Alan Robarge's videos on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5weiD_1MALL7AE9OhOEAPw

 

(Sadly, I think I've learned more from him than my therapist!)