Hanging by a thread that probably should be snipped [UPDATE: ex emails drunk]

[todreaminblue]

it takes time......for the person you are with to understand how you are.....its good you ask for clarification ......its a good thing not a bad thing....my ex understood how sensitive i was and am ....i cry...even though i nearly choke myself trying not to ill actually choke.....on lumps in my throat...........its embarassing...but i cry and i cant define why....sometimes..

 

 

i am an empath i feel what others feel....ever been with an empath and watched a boxing match or ufc

 

ill cry for the winner....because im happy for him ..i feel the elation and ill cry for the loser because i feel their disappointment...so no win situation i cry anyway...my ex used to just say awww....and hug me ...kiss my hair...he knew i was going to cry it wasnt anything but affection he felt...when i would say i know i know im a sook...........because he knew how i was.

 

 

..last night i was watching a cooking show with a very arrogant contestant who exhibited bad sportsmanship going against two midwives with lovely personalities...and the earrogant one lost ....like massively...and i cried.....even though i didnt want him to win....i cried because i could feel the disappointment

 

 

so as far as sensitivity goes neither you or I can control what makes us cry ...but we can understand that our partners dont feel the same way they are different...the alcohol could be a tremendous issue ..i wouldnt even try explaining to a drunk person how i felt....i would wait till they were sober.....comprehension skills to drunk people are normally seriously retarded....and feelings and care for others ...goes out the window really....

 

you need to sit down with your man sober and explain what it is you feel ..that it cannot be helped ...and thats the way you are...you will try to reign your sensitivity in by being forgiving and understanding.....you expect the same back.....and never stop clarifying...clarification is growth to you ....a way for you to process your thoughts and feelings.....better understanding of people and situations....and of self..... ...it is a tool you can use to manage your sensitivity and a tool you can use with conflict avoidant people to clarify discussions and diffuse possible flare ups.........all in all sensitivity and clarification will amount to good conflict resolution skills and outcomes............i wish you well...deb

Edited April 18, 2017 by todreaminblue

[EmilyJane]

It's going to get better.

 

I don't know how or when.

 

My alcoholic situation is pretty bad.

 

I'm barely functioning.

 

Everything feels bleak and without hope.

 

All I can do is hold on that things will get better.

because things always do.

 

Just hang on. Hang on to that.

[1fish2fish]

(((fish)))

 

THIS ^^^^^ 100%. Just keep reminding yourself of this.

 

I believe in my posts there were a couple very, very minor things that occurred that I had questioned where we'd be today if I hadn't done them (one was a 30 second phone call, the last call I ever made to him the night before my birthday) ... things that with any normal couple, would be a tiny blip on the radar ... but then, I'd still have been dating a dismissive-avoidant who expected me to be a mind reader and inadvertently placed me in a constant state of anxiety trying to please him.

 

Gosh, minus the alcohol (although, my ex also had a taste for it too) I feel like we were dating the same man, lol.

 

One thing you will have to cope with in the ending of this relationship, because he seems so similar to my ex, is that you won't get "closure" ... closure comes from within. He has probably already flipped his feelings switch off, and will not contact you again. Don't reach out. Write here as much as needed, but don't do it.

 

Since you acknowledged your co-dependency and need to heal from childhood trauma, I recommend you check out Alan Robarge's videos on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5weiD_1MALL7AE9OhOEAPw

 

(Sadly, I think I've learned more from him than my therapist!)

 

I will start watching them today. Thank you!

[1fish2fish]

It's going to get better.

 

I don't know how or when.

 

My alcoholic situation is pretty bad.

 

I'm barely functioning.

 

Everything feels bleak and without hope.

 

All I can do is hold on that things will get better.

because things always do.

 

Just hang on. Hang on to that.

 

I found your story in the Addiction/Recovery forum, and I am so sorry you're going through this. But you sound strong, even if you don't feel like you are.

 

Things WILL get better, my friend.

 

Just hang on.

[1fish2fish]

The friend who set us up last year asked me last night if we had broken up. This, after telling her what had happened with his rude text, my "I don't need this" response, the resulting silence, and the taking down my pics from his SM.

 

I showed another friend our texts. Her response was, "He is so disrespectful. And you are too nice."

 

She reminded me that we are not 20 somethings out there dating. We are mature fabulous women that don't need to put up with unstable, passive aggressive, and disrespectful behavior from anyone, not just men.

 

She's right.

 

Day 2. And I still haven't shed a tear. I think right now what I'm feeling is relief that I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, worrying about if I say the wrong thing in the wrong way it will trigger his anger.

[1fish2fish]

Question:

 

How do I stop blaming myself? Because now I'm beginning to feel badly for ruining a nice Easter dinner that he had made for me.

 

I also remember feeling the same way when I was a little girl of maybe 7 or 8 and blaming myself when my parents fought. Their fights were always physical and I'd always think stuff like, "If I had only eaten all my dinner and not gotten mom upset, they wouldn't be fighting."

 

He had also changed his fb settings and put me on limited access so I can't see any of his posts or post anything myself. I only discovered that today when I went to his page to delete and block him.

 

Even though I was blocking him (I read Altair's post about the importance of going NC for my healing) it still hurt to see that. I supposed that's a good thing because it really has killed any hope.

[whatnot]

"Why is it so difficult to do what's best for yourself and not worry about the other person's response? *sigh*"

 

You don't like hurting people.

 

What's best for you should be what's best for both.

 

You're incompatible.

Edited April 18, 2017 by whatnot

[1fish2fish]

"Why is it so difficult to do what's best for yourself and not worry about the other person's response? *sigh*"

 

You don't like hurting people.

 

What's best for you should be what's best for both.

 

You're incompatible.

 

Guess that's what I need to figure out.

 

You're right.

 

And I agree on your last 2 statements also.

 

Thank you.

[Techmonkey]

You did the right thing. I just spent the last two years with an totally emotionally avoidant person. It led to a vicious cycle of me chasing her and her withdrawing. As time went on insecurity on my side and resentment on her side grew pretty badly. Add in an alcohol problem and increasing antagonism on her side because she was unhappy, and it was a home that was constantly full of tension.

 

In short, we should have broken up in the first few months and not had an ongoing stressful battle for two years. You've avoided this situation. You'll find someone more emotionally compatible with you and it'll feel so much better.

 

And be sure to get out there and claim some of the activities you shared as your own. Hiking and camping was always our special time. First thing I did was go solo and start owning it for myself. There will be room to share with someone better later.

[Techmonkey]

 

Anyway, it's over. I'm sad. I'm also co-dependent. And addicted to him. But I can't use this relationship to "fix" my childhood.

 

This really hurts.

 

Change "him" to "her" and I could have typed this. Actually had me teary. It gets better. Distract yourself, do things, and with each day that passes feel good that you've taken another step toward something better. It hurts now, but you are saving yourself a lot of long drawn out pain in the long run.

[1fish2fish]

That is an excellent suggestion, Techmonkey.

 

Fortunately, because we only saw each other once, maybe twice a week, and no overnights, there are very few shared activities between us. But I have been keeping to my fitness routines (I'm a gym rat and triathlete) and those things were all mine. He lifted weights at his house, and we did mountain bike a couple of times, but the road biking was all mine.

 

At least I won't run into him at any group activities, unless it's at the liquor store.

[newheart]

At least I won't run into him at any group activities, unless it's at the liquor store.

 

I have to admit, this made me laugh out loud.

 

How are you holding up tonight?

 

I know it is tough, but I am proud of you - you are doing awesome! There will be okay days, days you are relieved, even days you look forward to something new, but also days where you remember how much you loved the person you no longer have and sadness sets in. Don't let it get the best of you - feelings will come in waves. Be grateful he blocked you on SM - even if you desire a peek (ugh, it's awful) you can't, lol.

 

There is a meme on FB (wish I could have posted it here) but it includes a quote that says, "Sometimes, when one door closes ... you should nail a board over it." Nail a couple over this one!

[1fish2fish]

"Why is it so difficult to do what's best for yourself and not worry about the other person's response? *sigh*"

 

.

 

Whatnot - What you wrote here - in quotes. Were you quoting me from an older post??

 

If so, my head was on straight at that time. lol

[preraph]

Question:

 

How do I stop blaming myself? Because now I'm beginning to feel badly for ruining a nice Easter dinner that he had made for me.

 

I also remember feeling the same way when I was a little girl of maybe 7 or 8 and blaming myself when my parents fought. Their fights were always physical and I'd always think stuff like, "If I had only eaten all my dinner and not gotten mom upset, they wouldn't be fighting."

 

He had also changed his fb settings and put me on limited access so I can't see any of his posts or post anything myself. I only discovered that today when I went to his page to delete and block him.

 

Even though I was blocking him (I read Altair's post about the importance of going NC for my healing) it still hurt to see that. I supposed that's a good thing because it really has killed any hope.

 

You're a nice person who worries about not keeping her promises and doing what the said she'll do. So it's hard for you that loose ends are left hanging, but loose ends are never tied up in a bad relationship. So how you forgive yourself and get rid of guilt is by knowing that you were the one putting in all the effort here and being the nice one -- and getting abused in return. Just try to stay busy for awhile. I'm glad a friend agreed with you on this.

 

Just try to clear your mind of this stuff. How I used to do it when something was plaguing me was in the car playing some big loud mad song (Megadeth "In My Darkest Hour" or Marianne Faithful "Why'd You Do It") screaming my head off in the car where no one can hear and it won't scare the pets. You have to release it. I see you are exercising, so that should really help release all that tension and keep your body from getting messed up from it. But scream it out and release it. Say what you're feeling and just get it out.

[1fish2fish]

I have to admit, this made me laugh out loud.

 

How are you holding up tonight?

 

I know it is tough, but I am proud of you - you are doing awesome! There will be okay days, days you are relieved, even days you look forward to something new, but also days where you remember how much you loved the person you no longer have and sadness sets in. Don't let it get the best of you - feelings will come in waves. Be grateful he blocked you on SM - even if you desire a peek (ugh, it's awful) you can't, lol.

 

There is a meme on FB (wish I could have posted it here) but it includes a quote that says, "Sometimes, when one door closes ... you should nail a board over it." Nail a couple over this one!

 

Hi Newheart!

 

Thanks for asking. It really helps knowing that someone out there, even if it's a total stranger, actually gives a f*ck.

 

I'm up and down today. He didn't actually block me on SM, he only limited my access to his fb page so I couldn't see any of his posts. Considering the last 2 I saw were passive aggressive attempts to hurt me (I "liked" them both, too! Ha!) he did me a favor. But I felt a pang of hurt. So I in turn completely blocked him. And I deleted a couple of mutual friends (his friends).

 

A good friend of mine told me this and I thought it was hilarious:

 

"Honestly, at this point in your life, you don't need to take care of a child with bad behavior. That's what pets are for."

 

 

I'm still in shock though with how easily he tossed me aside without so much as a conversation after a cooling down period. Even after telling me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how he would never let me go. Apparently, that was true only when I ignored, and by default, accepted, his bad behavior.

 

Seriously though...how cowardly can you be to end things by changing your profile pic and posting P-A crap??? I'm so grateful that I saw it right after he posted it and texted him that obviously it wasn't working out with us and I hoped we could remain friends - you know, in case he thought I'd panic and reach out to him crying and apologizing.

 

I may be sensitive and kind hearted, but I'm not a complete doormat.

[EmilyJane]

Hi Newheart!

 

Thanks for asking. It really helps knowing that someone out there, even if it's a total stranger, actually gives a f*ck.

 

I'm up and down today. He didn't actually block me on SM, he only limited my access to his fb page so I couldn't see any of his posts. Considering the last 2 I saw were passive aggressive attempts to hurt me (I "liked" them both, too! Ha!) he did me a favor. But I felt a pang of hurt. So I in turn completely blocked him. And I deleted a couple of mutual friends (his friends).

 

A good friend of mine told me this and I thought it was hilarious:

 

"Honestly, at this point in your life, you don't need to take care of a child with bad behavior. That's what pets are for."

 

 

I'm still in shock though with how easily he tossed me aside without so much as a conversation after a cooling down period. Even after telling me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how he would never let me go. Apparently, that was true only when I ignored, and by default, accepted, his bad behavior.

 

Seriously though...how cowardly can you be to end things by changing your profile pic and posting P-A crap??? I'm so grateful that I saw it right after he posted it and texted him that obviously it wasn't working out with us and I hoped we could remain friends - you know, in case he thought I'd panic and reach out to him crying and apologizing.

 

I may be sensitive and kind hearted, but I'm not a complete doormat.

 

Ohhh

 

I hate to say this...

 

But soon I think you'll wish for the time when you thought he'd got rid of you easily.

 

If he's anything like mine, he will be back. Again and again.

 

My guess he thinks this is just a temporary separation at this point. After a month, that's when it will have set in. Alcoholics typically don't process emotions very efficiently.

[1fish2fish]

Ohhh

 

I hate to say this...

 

But soon I think you'll wish for the time when you thought he'd got rid of you easily.

 

If he's anything like mine, he will be back. Again and again.

 

My guess he thinks this is just a temporary separation at this point. After a month, that's when it will have set in. Alcoholics typically don't process emotions very efficiently.

 

This is the one thing that I do know for sure. He's never been the one to reach out to an ex first. Ever. He has too much pride. He's even told me on multiple occasions that he's not the kind of guy to chase a woman when she tests him...or something like that. (I replied, "That's fine. I'm not the kind of girl who plays games.")

 

This will be our 3rd, and final, break up. Our previous reconciliations happened because of me reaching out first even though he was the dumper the first time (via text) and I was the dumper the 2nd time (after the camping incident) but I guess since he has no recollection of what he said and did because he was too drunk and stoned, I didn't have a good reason to break up with him then.

[EmilyJane]

This is the one thing that I do know for sure. He's never been the one to reach out to an ex first. Ever. He has too much pride. He's even told me on multiple occasions that he's not the kind of guy to chase a woman when she tests him...or something like that. (I replied, "That's fine. I'm not the kind of girl who plays games.")

 

This will be our 3rd, and final, break up. Our previous reconciliations happened because of me reaching out first even though he was the dumper the first time (via text) and I was the dumper the 2nd time (after the camping incident) but I guess since he has no recollection of what he said and did because he was too drunk and stoned, I didn't have a good reason to break up with him then.

 

 

Hmm.

 

Do you know I think I actually have more respect for my ex in this one instance. Like he is able to admit when he's wrong or done wrong and has no shame in making amends.

 

Like yours seems to be prideful to the point of wilful stupidity.

 

Which will at least make the next bit easier on you.

[1fish2fish]

Hmm.

 

Do you know I think I actually have more respect for my ex in this one instance. Like he is able to admit when he's wrong or done wrong and has no shame in making amends.

 

Like yours seems to be prideful to the point of wilful stupidity.

 

Which will at least make the next bit easier on you.

 

I actually have more respect for your ex too! lol My ex has never apologized for his bad behavior except for once...New Year's Eve. He drank so much that he was falling down drunk and I had to help him to bed. I was so disgusted, I slept on the sofa. When he woke up, he was so angry to find me on the sofa and ordered me to bed while he made breakfast. (I still don't get that...)

 

I calmly ignored his...ahem...suggestion and packed my overnight bag and very nicely said, "I'm going home." He was pissed! He took his dog outside and when he came back in, he was a different person. He asked, "Can I ask why you're so angry with me?" So I told him. And he put his arms around me and sincerely apologized and said that I had every right to be angry.

 

That was the closest he's ever come to admitting he was wrong and apologizing. It never happened before that and hasn't happened since.

[1fish2fish]

And yes. It will most definitely make things easier on me. I will never see him again. It's like aliens kidnapped him.

[EmilyJane]

And yes. It will most definitely make things easier on me. I will never see him again. It's like aliens kidnapped him.

 

You know I'm pretty jealous right?

 

Count your blessings.

 

I'm actually still doubtful that you are right tho, I don't think I've ever dated a man who didn't try to come back at some point. They all do in my limited experience.

[EmilyJane]

I actually have more respect for your ex too! lol My ex has never apologized for his bad behavior except for once...New Year's Eve. He drank so much that he was falling down drunk and I had to help him to bed. I was so disgusted, I slept on the sofa. When he woke up, he was so angry to find me on the sofa and ordered me to bed while he made breakfast. (I still don't get that...)

 

I calmly ignored his...ahem...suggestion and packed my overnight bag and very nicely said, "I'm going home." He was pissed! He took his dog outside and when he came back in, he was a different person. He asked, "Can I ask why you're so angry with me?" So I told him. And he put his arms around me and sincerely apologized and said that I had every right to be angry.

 

That was the closest he's ever come to admitting he was wrong and apologizing. It never happened before that and hasn't happened since.

 

Wow

 

I have no idea how you stayed so long.

 

I think mine being self aware and loving me so damn much and able to apologise and try to fix things was the only reason I lasted as long as I did.

[1fish2fish]

Wow

 

I have no idea how you stayed so long.

 

I think mine being self aware and loving me so damn much and able to apologise and try to fix things was the only reason I lasted as long as I did.

 

That was the "only" time I've seen him falling down drunk, and because it was NYE, and I got an actual sincere apology, I forgave him and never brought it up again.

 

Well, I knew it would happen. The tears finally came while I was doing some retail therapy. I had to leave the Marshall's. lol

 

I had sent a message through fb messenger to his best friend, who became my fb friend eventually. I had deleted him yesterday, but wanted him to know why and not take it personally. Looking back on it, maybe I was looking for some inkling of hope. Fortunately, our convo was brief. It could have been much worse. He said he understood and that I was a great and special lady and that it would get better. I said I didn't even understand what had happened but that I'd been through worse and would be okay.

 

And that's it. Thank goodness! Something in my brain screamed - stop typing, stop typing.

 

This is why you should also go complete NC with your SO's friends too, especially if they became your friend through the ex.

 

I really don't understand what a coward my ex was and is. He could have easily said to me - "this isn't working out for me." But instead he did the P-A route. wtf???

[1fish2fish]

You know I'm pretty jealous right?

 

Count your blessings.

 

I'm actually still doubtful that you are right tho, I don't think I've ever dated a man who didn't try to come back at some point. They all do in my limited experience.

 

In this instance, I guess I am lucky. lol omg - if he actually had self awareness and empathy and owned his issues, I'd probably hang in there forever.

 

I cannot even imagine your inner turmoil dealing with your ex. And I am so sorry.

 

I've never dated a man either who hasn't come back at some point, but this one won't. He didn't the other 2 times, and there was a 2 month gap of silence after our first break up - until I reached out first.

 

It's actually a source of pride for him that he's never made the first move at reconciliation.

[EmilyJane]

In this instance, I guess I am lucky. lol omg - if he actually had self awareness and empathy and owned his issues, I'd probably hang in there forever.

 

I cannot even imagine your inner turmoil dealing with your ex. And I am so sorry.

 

I've never dated a man either who hasn't come back at some point, but this one won't. He didn't the other 2 times, and there was a 2 month gap of silence after our first break up - until I reached out first.

 

It's actually a source of pride for him that he's never made the first move at reconciliation.

 

Jeebus, how can someone be proud of not knowing how to build bridges after they've stuffed up?

 

Honestly I think that the passive aggressive route was fairly predictable. Alcoholics get stuck at the mental age the addiction took hold. Plus everything you've said indicates a guy who does not process emotions well or communicate them effectively, I would guess is slightly conflict avoidant too.