Am I marying the right person?

[nmalladi3]

I have been seeing the guy for close to 3 years now and we are getting married in 15 days. We have started out as good friends and have common interests. Even for marriage, we believe in the same things and have similar values. But, the issue is that we have different personalities. I am someone who avoids conflicts, am very patient with people, and always try to follow the rulebook. I look for peace and harmony in every situation. My boyfriend is a very caring guy but is impatient and gets angry for stupid things. He is also very sensitive, and owing to his friends bullying him in college in the past, has tough times hanging out in groups. He likes being in groups but ends up getting demoralized due to past experience. He is the typical alpha male, who wants to hang out in groups but wants to be the best in the group and cannot tolerate someone making fun of him. Also, he hates working under supervisors at work. He usually had conflicts with bosses.

 

I see myself completely opposite to him. But, at the same time, he is pretty understanding with me, has always given importance to what i say, and has supported me through tough times. But, his nature of impatience for small things, and complaining attitude gets to me. I told him about this and he said he would reduce it, and is also trying to do so. However, in the process, I started getting too critical about him. Over the past one year, I started thinking about all the things that might go wrong if I marry him. N now, just weeks before the wedding, I see myself reaching out for support and advice.

 

He is someone who is very determined, he does things very well if he believes in it. N i see that traditional workplaces do not enthuse him that much. This is something which bothers me, cuz he wants to start something of his own and I feel with his impatience, he might not be able to start up something.

 

My major roadblocks are as follows:

 

1) Our different approaches to career

2) My nature of complete conflict avoidance and his nature of getting into conflicts

3) His high energy levels and my need of being alone and wanting some space everyday

4) His impatience & complaining and my high patience levels

5) His nature of doubting people cuz of his past experience

 

I am torn among these issues in my head. Do i go ahead with the marriage? I have reached out to a counsellor, and she said having common values are important, and differences in personalities can be worked out together. We do have common values, but I am just very scared that I might get drained in the relationship at some point. Need your advice!

Edited April 2, 2017 by nmalladi3
forget to add a sentence

[Jedfont]

You need to love the person you are marrying, not the person you want them to be. Everyone has faults but if you are already having trouble with his, you've got a rough life ahead as a couple. Take a step back, see if you truly love him for who he is.

[road]

Do not marry him.

He has not socially developed.

An alpha male does not behave the way he does.

He will have trouble keeping a job.

[somanymistakes]

 

My major roadblocks are as follows:

 

1) Our different approaches to career

2) My nature of complete conflict avoidance and his nature of getting into conflicts

3) His high energy levels and my need of being alone and wanting some space everyday

4) His impatience & complaining and my high patience levels

5) His nature of doubting people cuz of his past experience

 

1 - Are you really worried about 'different approaches to career' or are you worried that he can't be a good provider because you don't think he can keep a steady job or succeed on his own? Wanting different things isn't a roadblock as long as you can support each other, but if you don't think he's a reliable partner, that's a bigger issue.

 

2 - This is not necessarily a bad thing, it can actually be good for a conflict-avoidant person to be paired with someone a little more aggressive who can help you out when you are overwhelmed by situations. A very timid and conflict-avoidant person may just accept it when someone tries to screw them over; a more assertive partner is handy to step in and say "Wait, no, don't do that to my wife!"

 

3 - Again, just being different isn't necessarily bad if you can both understand and appreciate the other's needs. If he wants to go out and do things all the time, can you go out with him sometimes, can you accept him going out without you sometimes? If you want to be alone and recharge, can he accept that?

 

4&5 - What worries you about these things? How do you anticipate them causing problems in the future?

 

 

Only you know whether this is a good idea or not, I'm just hoping that asking a few questions will help you work through what you're really thinking.

[angel.eyes]

Behaviors tends to progress and worsen after people get married and are more complacent. If it bothers you now, it will only get worse over the years after you're married.

 

Now, no one is perfect. We all have flaws. The fact is, however, that your concerns about some of his flaws are serious enough that you sought out a counselor and are posting for advice on a forum. Take a step back. This is a lifetime decision. Don't get railroaded into marriage when you have such deep-seated concerns.

[NTV]

It's normal to have doubts right before a wedding. Most people do. That's okay. It's a lot easier to get married than divorced.

 

Competition is good for guys. He'd probably do really well in sales.

 

For you what to watch out for is to make sure you always feel 'heard' in your marriage. That may mean looking for additional communication methods like texting where he can't speak over you.

[Soxfaninfl]

It's normal to have doubts right before a wedding. Most people do.

 

That is not true. I had no doubts when I married my first wife. That marriage lasted 10 years. She left. Our problems developed later on.

 

I also had no doubts when I married my 2nd wife either. Been married for 2 1/2 years. I truly loved them for who they were and are.

[nmalladi3]

1 - Are you really worried about 'different approaches to career' or are you worried that he can't be a good provider because you don't think he can keep a steady job or succeed on his own? Wanting different things isn't a roadblock as long as you can support each other, but if you don't think he's a reliable partner, that's a bigger issue.

 

2 - This is not necessarily a bad thing, it can actually be good for a conflict-avoidant person to be paired with someone a little more aggressive who can help you out when you are overwhelmed by situations. A very timid and conflict-avoidant person may just accept it when someone tries to screw them over; a more assertive partner is handy to step in and say "Wait, no, don't do that to my wife!"

 

3 - Again, just being different isn't necessarily bad if you can both understand and appreciate the other's needs. If he wants to go out and do things all the time, can you go out with him sometimes, can you accept him going out without you sometimes? If you want to be alone and recharge, can he accept that?

 

4&5 - What worries you about these things? How do you anticipate them causing problems in the future?

 

 

Only you know whether this is a good idea or not, I'm just hoping that asking a few questions will help you work through what you're really thinking.

 

1) Yes, I have a feeling he might not be a good provider. I had this discussion with him and he mentioned that he will not do things like leaving a job randomly cuz he needs to think about me now. But I somehow have got too critical about him to believe what he says.

 

2 to 5) My only concern is that he keeps complaining and is negative about situations. I fear that I might get really bugged one day and things will get overbearing.

[DarrenB]

Definitely shouldn't be anywhere near marrying someone if you're this skeptical.

 

There's being dubious but to an extent.

[d0nnivain]

I read all that as cold feet.

 

 

I was terrified in the days leading up to my wedding. I ran every worst case scenario over in my head trying to figure out if I should get out of this. Three days into my Honeymoon I made an international phone call to one of my best friends who is a divorce lawyer begging her to help me get an annulment.

 

 

That first year was tough. It really took a lot for me to learn how to be part of team. But even with all the differences I saw going in -- he's an introvert & I'm an extrovert; I yell & scream when upset while he gets more quiet which makes me yell & scream more -- we learned about each other & the love grew deeper.

 

 

We just got back from a vacation with 3 other couples all of whom have been married for more than 25 years. What they described as their first year struggles made ours pale in comparison; one wife was diagnosed with a debilitating disease; another had her husband deployed; the last moved 2,000 miles away from everybody the day they returned from their HM.

 

 

If you love your FI & want to make this work, get married.

[Mr. Lucky]

My boyfriend is a very caring guy but is impatient and gets angry for stupid things. He is also very sensitive, and owing to his friends bullying him in college in the past, has tough times hanging out in groups. He likes being in groups but ends up getting demoralized due to past experience. He is the typical alpha male, who wants to hang out in groups but wants to be the best in the group and cannot tolerate someone making fun of him. Also, he hates working under supervisors at work. He usually had conflicts with bosses.

 

Do other people share this same opinion of him? You don't say how old you are but he sounds immature, someone who's still finding their way in life. To a certain extent, success in career and marriage are often helped by two things:

 

- the ability to function within a system

- not taking yourself too seriously

 

By your telling, he struggles with both. At the very least, something to think about.

 

Are you at least considering a postponement?

 

Mr. Lucky

[nmalladi3]

Do other people share this same opinion of him? You don't say how old you are but he sounds immature, someone who's still finding their way in life. To a certain extent, success in career and marriage are often helped by two things:

 

- the ability to function within a system

- not taking yourself too seriously

 

By your telling, he struggles with both. At the very least, something to think about.

 

Are you at least considering a postponement?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He's 32 and I am 31. Yes, his friends do feel this way at times. I did have a discussion with him about these issues and he replied saying that he is working on these issues and will get better with time. He feels with age there is a change in him. I don't know how to postpone the wedding without spoiling things for us. He said he is ok with postponing considering that I am not too excited about the wedding but his n my family would go crazy as people have started to come down from other countries for the wedding.

[sandylee1]

You have way too many doubts at this stage of closeness to marriage.

 

I would be quite upset if my Soon to be husband felt like you do.

[d0nnivain]

He's 32 and I am 31. Yes, his friends do feel this way at times. I did have a discussion with him about these issues and he replied saying that he is working on these issues and will get better with time. He feels with age there is a change in him. I don't know how to postpone the wedding without spoiling things for us. He said he is ok with postponing considering that I am not too excited about the wedding but his n my family would go crazy as people have started to come down from other countries for the wedding.

 

 

It sounds like he is having doubts too. In that case it may be best to postpone & disappoint your traveling relatives. That is better than marrying for them & divorcing. If you can't get your money back for the party, have a get together for the travelers but don't marry.

 

 

I still think that after a few years of marriage you will both soften each other's rough edges. No marriage is perfect & you need time to grow together. My husband talks more & is more open to a number of things since we married. I'm more stable & quieter; I no longer fear silence & feel the need to chatter on. It's a balance.

[todreaminblue]

you see those good qualities the fact that you have similar values...and you see that he isnt exactly like you......i think you can bring out the best in one another honestly.....you say he si complaining...but in away ...so are you here.....the epatience you have with others...use it.....to be patient with him...he said he will work on issues and i think when you say caring and compassionate and listens to you....man...thats so good.....you are not only complaining you are going one step further and wondering if you even should marry him.....remember why you want to marry him foster those reasons into your heart.....

 

marriage takes work so does the prep work ....to lead up to your marriage...be ready to face any opposition or conflicting emotions..its a big step....... ...there are no perfect marriages...all there is is potential ...to be great and resilient marriages......those great marriages....take blood sweat and tears ....see potential..trust your own potential.....see that the qualities he has might offset your own qualities and are needed for balance......you are a nurturing female so nurture....your feelings for him....grow them ..find the good in him see the potential for much more good than bad...and let him know when he does good more than you let him knwo when he sucks......and be ready for imperfection...and try and laugh...more than you cry..... .....dont give up....never.....have that mind set.....you will be fine...lol..congrats on your upcoming nuptials.....tell me if ever you need a wedding poem ill write one for you...;0)..i wont even use ellipses.....deb

Edited April 3, 2017 by todreaminblue

[NTV]

That is not true. I had no doubts when I married my first wife. That marriage lasted 10 years. She left. Our problems developed later on.

 

I also had no doubts when I married my 2nd wife either. Been married for 2 1/2 years. I truly loved them for who they were and are.

 

Then that most people thing doesn't include you. Doesn't make it untrue.

[Mr. Lucky]

He said he is ok with postponing considering that I am not too excited about the wedding but his n my family would go crazy as people have started to come down from other countries for the wedding.

 

His and your families aren't the ones getting married.

 

I had cold feet as to the concept of marriage, thinking "do I have what it takes to successfully commit to one person for the rest of my life?".

 

I had no doubts, if I was going to get married, my wife was the one. It's concerning that your reservations are more about the person than the institution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You guys need to get into premarital counseling right now! You can work through some of this if you are both willing. But I think premarital counseling will really help and it may have to continue on after the wedding for awhile, too.

 

His problem with authority is the most troubling, because that doesn't bode well for work. Has he been able to keep a job or is he underemployed or unemployed a lot? I would weight that heavily.

 

Is he mean when he's impatient? Does he lash out at you, fly into a rage? That's not good. But if he's kind of self-contained about it and isn't directing it at you and has never shoved or hit you, maybe counseling could help with that on his end. If he understand his anger, he will be less likely to WANT to exhibit it, because it's oftentimes fear.

 

I don't think you're a terrible match if there hasn't been a lot of unemployment and no physical abuse. But I do think premarital or marital counseling is in order. Think about everything in the context of when you have kids and weigh that. Will he lash out at them? Talk about discipline and how he thinks it ought to be done. Will he be too controlled, too angry, too impatient with the kids? Will you be able to work next time he gets fired if you have kids?

 

Let a counselor sort all that out.

[nmalladi3]

You guys need to get into premarital counseling right now! You can work through some of this if you are both willing. But I think premarital counseling will really help and it may have to continue on after the wedding for awhile, too.

 

His problem with authority is the most troubling, because that doesn't bode well for work. Has he been able to keep a job or is he underemployed or unemployed a lot? I would weight that heavily.

 

Is he mean when he's impatient? Does he lash out at you, fly into a rage? That's not good. But if he's kind of self-contained about it and isn't directing it at you and has never shoved or hit you, maybe counseling could help with that on his end. If he understand his anger, he will be less likely to WANT to exhibit it, because it's oftentimes fear.

 

I don't think you're a terrible match if there hasn't been a lot of unemployment and no physical abuse. But I do think premarital or marital counseling is in order. Think about everything in the context of when you have kids and weigh that. Will he lash out at them? Talk about discipline and how he thinks it ought to be done. Will he be too controlled, too angry, too impatient with the kids? Will you be able to work next time he gets fired if you have kids?

 

Let a counselor sort all that out.

 

He has never been unemployed. He quit a job once owing to problems with the supervisor but found another job immediately. So, there hasn't been a phase of unemployment in his case. And there has been no instance of physical abuse. He gets ticked off for small stuff but he just shows his impatience and let's go. It doesn't lead to abuse.

[Telemachus]

In your posting, you wrote that he's trying. In response to a comment you wrote that he says he's working on his behaviors. That's ridiculous. When it comes to his deliberate behaviors and actions, there is no trying or working on; there is only doing.

 

This should be a further red flag, both for his claim and for your acceptance of it as if it had any validity or meaning.

 

He doesn't act any way now and today because of being bullied ten+ years ago. He's over 30, and his actions toward others should be impeccable. It's another lame excuse, and you're all-in accepting it.

 

You say that you're not a complainer by nature, but you are, in fact, complaining about his complaining. You're becoming a complainer. Is this relationship making more of you or less of you?

 

I had similar doubts before getting married the first time. The marriage limped along for five years, and we both knew it was dead by the end of the first year.

 

I had no such doubts the second time, and we're approaching our 24th anniversary.

 

If you go ahead with this, and you haven't said "I do" yet, but you did say "I will" when you got engaged, if the marriage is not a good one in the first year, don't bring children into it. If you can't make it work as a couple, you won't regret giving marriage a shot, but you will regret bringing children into an unhappy marriage.

[Bejangled]

....However, in the process, I started getting too critical about him.

 

Hi nmalladi

 

I read all the issues you have with your fiance, however, for me, this sentence struck me as probably the most troublesome.

 

Here's why....

 

When a person feels real, solid love for someone, they often tend to add a gloss of optimism over real problems. They can see the issues, they may be extremely worried by these issues, they may seek advice for these issues....but almost always, they will have a 'We can try to work it out cos' I love him/her'attitude around them.

 

Not counting abuse or infidelity, perhaps the number 1 killer of any tricky relationship is when one or both people start to resent the other. The criticism you mention sounds like this type of resentment (apologies if I have misinterpreted your meaning of 'critical').

 

If there is unresolved seething and nit-picking in any relationship (which happens), then the love beneath usually helps to repair and redirect even the most upsetting of challenges. However, when there is criticism and resentment without the rush of love flowing beneath, then I'm sorry to say, things are likely to worsen.

 

Could I recommend that you do go ahead and reschedule the wedding to a later date. Please, please, please don't be concerned about yours or his family's travel plans/gifts etc. Trust me, while they might be a tad frustrated by having to shift their plans, they will understand. You won't look like a fool, you won't ruin their lives....however....marrying someone you're so uncertain about may ruin YOUR lives.

 

Take a time out, both of you have a rethink and go relax and slowly work out your problems without some impending 'finish line' looming over you. In a few months, or longer, you may just feel more confident about your future together. If you do, then jump in to marriage with a big, happy heart full of love. If you don't feel that confidence, then be brave and begin the process of going your separate ways.

 

I was married for almost 10 years before my husband unexpectedly passed away. Trust me, you need to feel a heart full of love, a whole lot of respect for your spouse and lots of trust and optimism to face all the challenges within yourselves over the years and also within the details of sharing a life with someone. Please don't be afraid to chose what your real, inner gut is trying to tell you.

 

I wish you every success with this difficult decision.

[No_Go]

If you're getting cold feet before the wedding, most likely he is as well. TBH, although it is not the healthiest way to start your marriage, it is normal. How long have you been engaged and dating before then? I think every relationship needs adjustment and people that say they 'click' on every level with their partner are likely lying / to themselves. It is just a popular & well-received fairy tale.

[nmalladi3]

If you're getting cold feet before the wedding, most likely he is as well. TBH, although it is not the healthiest way to start your marriage, it is normal. How long have you been engaged and dating before then? I think every relationship needs adjustment and people that say they 'click' on every level with their partner are likely lying / to themselves. It is just a popular & well-received fairy tale.[/quote

 

We have been together for three years now.

[No_Go]

3 years is not bad... Maybe you are just past the initial infatuation and see him more critically?

 

What did you decide for the wedding - keeping or postponing it?

[nmalladi3]

3 years is not bad... Maybe you are just past the initial infatuation and see him more critically?

 

What did you decide for the wedding - keeping or postponing it?

 

Yes that could be the case. Immediately after our engagement a year back, I started thinking too critically about him and analyzing pros n cons. When I think of leaving him,I start feeling bad about it. There is a part of me that really likes the way he cares for me and all, it's really special. But when the aspects like career and things like that come into picture, I start having these doubts if things will be fine in the future. That leads the anxiety.

 

I am going for a round of counseling tomorrow before taking the next step. Thank you all for the advice being given to me. I really appreciate it and it's helping me evaluate things logically.