How to deal with learning of past affair.

[AJdaman]

This topic has probably been done to death but I just want to share my horror story if I may.

 

We’ve been married 19 years but were together for 6 years before that. We have 4 lovely kids and all in all a good life.

 

A little while back we were doing a de-clutter of the house and I found some photos in an envelope. They were of my wife kissing another guy at what looked like a party. From various stuff in these photos (hair color etc) it was clear this happened while we were together, while we were engaged to be exact.

 

I confronted her, she told me everything, we saw a counselor, she did a polygraph. I’m confident there has been no other times other than the 18 month period when she had this affair. She has apologized repeatedly, agreed to do anything I asked of her.

 

The thing that I can’t get over, and this will seem really petty to some, is that I went to a strip club with friends when we were engaged and it very nearly broke us up. I didn’t do anything there other than watch and I nearly lost her for it. But at the same time she was in the middle of an 18 month long affair. This really bugs me.

 

So now I have a faithful wife of nearly 20 years but that’s preceded by a cheating fiancée. I don’t know whether the last 20 years of bliss can wipe out the cheating.

 

And what’s more it only stopped when he moved overseas. She swears it would have stopped anyway and she passed that question on the polygraph but I can’t help but think if he was still around would it have kept going or rekindled at some stage.

 

We are both seeing a counselor individually and we are seeing a marriage counselor but I was just looking for other, more independent, maybe more knowledgeable as they might have lived it, opinions.

 

I don’t want to open old wounds for anyone here but being able to bounce some thoughts of someone who knows from experience what this is like would be great.

[GoldenR]

This sucks for you, and it will for a very long time. For her, it was decades ago, ancient history. For you it's very fresh.

 

Unfortunately, some ppl, men especially, are not able to get over this. There was one man on here that find out about his W's A as it was happening, and then 20+ years of faithfulness from his wife later, he divorced her bc of it. This will take years for you to get over it, if you ever do.

 

The hypocrisy of the strip club thing is what would get to me more than anything. What does she say about that?

[Bryanp]

What an amazing hypocrite your wife is.

You state that during your engagement you went

to a stripe club that almost broke you up while

she is having an 18 month sexual affair putting

your health at risk for STD's during the same time.

 

This is absolutely mind blowing. I wish you luck but I

do not know how you can overcome this. The fact that your

wife did not even have the decency to be honest with you prior

to the wedding is just as bad. Unfortunately you married her

under false pretenses.

[Jersey born raised]

Why did she keep the photos? Sounds like she has fond memories of him.

 

No you are not over reacting to her reaction to you going to a strip club trip.

 

I don't think your Polly was well done. The question what she have left you i think is type ruled out.

[Try]

A little while back we were doing a de-clutter of the house and I found some photos in an envelope. They were of my wife kissing another guy at what looked like a party. From various stuff in these photos (hair color etc) it was clear this happened while we were together, while we were engaged to be exact.

 

I confronted her, she told me everything, we saw a counselor, she did a polygraph. I’m confident there has been no other times other than the 18 month period when she had this affair.

She saved the photos, because this guy mattered to her. This guy was not a one night stand mistake. 18 months is a long time, especially during an engagement period. She openly kissed him at parties where some friends knew of her cheating on you. Some of these friends that knew may have been to your wedding, and may still know her. Every time that you said how much you loved her and how special your relationship was, what were they thinking? What was she thinking? How many parties and events that you as her fiancé should have been invited to were you excluded from so that she could take the other man (OM) instead? Your wife, the OM, and the friends of the affair, all were on the inside as a group conspiring against you in keeping this secret, where you were on the outside being the target of this conspiracy.

 

The engagement period and early part of a marriage are suppose to be a special period of being in love that you did not really get to experience with her. During a time were you were supposed to be building trust and bonding, she was lying and cheating on you behind your back. Regardless of if she has up until now cheated on you again, she is the type of person that can do this to you. That is just who she is. You were not even married yet, so she could have just broken up with you if she wanted to explore her relationship with this OM, but instead wanted to keep you as a backup plan in case it did not work out with the OM.

 

I for one could never 100% trust her again. I am not sure that I would want to be married to someone that I could not trust. I might stay in such a marriage until I had time to sort things out, but I might not want to grow old with such a spouse.

Edited April 2, 2017 by Try

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Try,

 

Excellent point about friends.

[NTV]

20 years of faithfulness and kid rearing can't be ignored. Some folks do see the marriage as sacred and everything else isn't.

 

It sucks for you because I can see how the last twenty years would feel like a lie. But it isn't. You have 4 beautiful children that came from it.

 

If this is a deal breaker for you. .. well that's okay. It's understandable that you can no longer think of her as the one... not when she was holding on to the dream of some dirt bag for so long. A long time to lie. That is always a decision you have the authority to make.

 

When I found out my wife was cheating one of the things that helped me the most was a journal. It gave me a place to air my feelings and make sure that I wasn't going nuts.

 

Do you have one?

[aliveagain]

It took 20 years for you to find out who she really is. You just found out and she has had 20 years to prepare for her discovery, the pain is the same for you. If she had morality and real love for you she would have told you about her infidelity before she allowed you to marry her. This just shows you how selfish she really is. Treat her infidelity as if it just happened today, decide if an 18 month affair is too much for you to accept then discount the last 20 years, affairs are affairs until they are confessed or exposed. There is no time limitation on an affair, it starts at day of discovery. You need to watch her actions and proceed based on the level of her remorse.

[Marc878]

It just happened for you when you found out. Unfortunately this never completely goes away but will dissipate some with time.

 

Don't expect your wife to ever fully get it. She's not on the receiving end.

[harrybrown]

Have you had her write a timeline of the A for you?

 

Ask her to pay for you to go to affair-recovery.com.

 

How would she feel if you had an A like she did?

 

She kept the pictures. Are you her backup plan?

 

when was the last contact with the OM?

 

Will she send information to the OM's spouse to protect you and stop protecting the OM?

 

In the polygraph, was she asked about her other affairs?

 

Sounds like double standard for you. She gets an open marriage, but you do not.

 

you can't sweep this under the rug. you have to go thru it.

 

Have you told her you are thinking of D, because she kept this secret from you for over so long and your entire marriage is a lie?

 

So is he bigger, was he her first choice? Maybe file for D and let her go find her POSOM.

[lolablue17]

The things you've mentioned here, all of them lead to one direction - forgiveness and reconciliation. You don't ruin a family over this.

 

BUT!

 

I know myself and my weak points, I couldn't have gone through with this. I couldn't have continued. I it had happened to me, It would have erased my previous life, and my life would have had a new starting point. NOW!

 

If I would have decided to stay and not splitting my family, It would have been a new dating period with my wife, including checking other options. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because it's the only way I could have dealt with it.

[Simple Logic]

This topic has probably been done to death but I just want to share my horror story if I may.

 

We’ve been married 19 years but were together for 6 years before that. We have 4 lovely kids and all in all a good life.

 

A little while back we were doing a de-clutter of the house and I found some photos in an envelope. They were of my wife kissing another guy at what looked like a party. From various stuff in these photos (hair color etc) it was clear this happened while we were together, while we were engaged to be exact.

 

I confronted her, she told me everything, we saw a counselor, she did a polygraph. I’m confident there has been no other times other than the 18 month period when she had this affair. She has apologized repeatedly, agreed to do anything I asked of her.

 

The thing that I can’t get over, and this will seem really petty to some, is that I went to a strip club with friends when we were engaged and it very nearly broke us up. I didn’t do anything there other than watch and I nearly lost her for it. But at the same time she was in the middle of an 18 month long affair. This really bugs me.

 

So now I have a faithful wife of nearly 20 years but that’s preceded by a cheating fiancée. I don’t know whether the last 20 years of bliss can wipe out the cheating.

 

And what’s more it only stopped when he moved overseas. She swears it would have stopped anyway and she passed that question on the polygraph but I can’t help but think if he was still around would it have kept going or rekindled at some stage.

 

We are both seeing a counselor individually and we are seeing a marriage counselor but I was just looking for other, more independent, maybe more knowledgeable as they might have lived it, opinions.

 

I don’t want to open old wounds for anyone here but being able to bounce some thoughts of someone who knows from experience what this is like would be great.

 

If it were me, I would chalk it up to your wife making a really stupid mistake 20 years ago and working to forgive her as quickly as possible.

[goodyblue]

It took 20 years for you to find out who she really is. You just found out and she has had 20 years to prepare for her discovery, the pain is the same for you. If she had morality and real love for you she would have told you about her infidelity before she allowed you to marry her. This just shows you how selfish she really is. Treat her infidelity as if it just happened today, decide if an 18 month affair is too much for you to accept then discount the last 20 years, affairs are affairs until they are confessed or exposed. There is no time limitation on an affair, it starts at day of discovery. You need to watch her actions and proceed based on the level of her remorse.

 

This is silly. He is just now finding out who she is? How selfish? I would say the person she is, is the person he raised a family with, slept next to, ate dinner with, had Christmases with, vacationed with, on and on, for the last 20 years.

 

Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I know I have grown and changed a lot since then. If you haven't then that's on you but the OP sounds like he has had a good life. I can think of a lot of reasons she didn't confess, the largest being fear of losing OP.

 

I would move on. She has been faithful since they married and that says a lot.

[Doorstopper]

 

The thing that I can’t get over, and this will seem really petty to some, is that I went to a strip club with friends when we were engaged and it very nearly broke us up. I didn’t do anything there other than watch and I nearly lost her for it. But at the same time she was in the middle of an 18 month long affair. This really bugs me.

 

 

Ask her. She seems to be honest and open about what happened.

 

It could be that she was looking for reasons to justify what she was doing or maybe she was second guessing the relationship and thought about using that as a way to end it.

[road]

This is silly. He is just now finding out who she is? How selfish? I would say the person she is, is the person he raised a family with, slept next to, ate dinner with, had Christmases with, vacationed with, on and on, for the last 20 years.

 

Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I know I have grown and changed a lot since then. If you haven't then that's on you but the OP sounds like he has had a good life. I can think of a lot of reasons she didn't confess, the largest being fear of losing OP.

 

I would move on. She has been faithful since they married and that says a lot.

 

How do we know that she has been not cheated since then?

 

 

I know we can believe the WW because she said so. Want to buy a

bridge in Brooklyn?

[road]

AJdaman, you will never know if you got the full truth.

You will never know if there were other affairs.

You will never know how many times they had sex or

what they did, or if WW and the OM laughed at you.

 

 

Some more facts. This is old news to your WW. However do

not let anyone tell you that this is old news to you. Your

D day is now so this is all new news to you.

 

 

It takes two to five years to get over and recover from an

affair. There are no guarantees that recovery will work.

Some people after attempting recovery divorce. Some go

straight to divorce. Some after divorce remarry their WW.

So as you can see there is no one way things can go.

 

 

Best advice is to wait six months before you make any life

changing decisions. Also be aware that at the six mark

after D day many a BH go into the anger phase. This phase

can last up to six months.

 

 

Take a deep breath and remember to always act instead of

reacting.

[Try]

This is silly. He is just now finding out who she is? How selfish? I would say the person she is, is the person he raised a family with, slept next to, ate dinner with, had Christmases with, vacationed with, on and on, for the last 20 years.

 

Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I know I have grown and changed a lot since then.

I think that you are being silly in not understanding aliveagain's point. The honest and loyal person that the OP though that he was marrying did not exist when he got married, but was just a fantasy person that she sold him on. There are a lot of legitimate concerns running through the OP's head right now. To him he thought that she was the the woman that loved him and would always have his back, but to her was he just the clueless guy that she was able to fool for so long and keep as a backup plan? That is the weak foundation that their marriage was built on. And although she has grown over the last 19 years, who she was then is still a part of the person that she is today; a cold blood person that the OP is just learning about. The OP now must wonder did she every really love him, or was he just the Plan B loyal good provider guy that was the right type of person to raise her children? Once all of their children are grown and out of the house, will she give him the "I love you, but I am not in love with you speech"? Just because they had a pleasant relationship during the 19 years of marriage as he served his role for her, this does not prove that she ever really loved him, I mean she was able to fool him before. Edited April 2, 2017 by Try

[Mr. Lucky]

I would move on. She has been faithful since they married and that says a lot.

 

There is no easy answer.

 

On one hand, had you found out 20 years ago when this happened and decided to forgive, one of your requirements would have been she be a loving and devoted wife and mother going forward. And for the last two decades, you say she has effectively done so. One could say, having done the crime, she's also done the time.

 

She also gave you the truth when the pictures were found, she could have stonewalled and said someone awkwardly caught her under the mistletoe. You say her story's held up.

 

But she was obviously in love with this guy, 18 months is a long time. And the danger of keeping the pictures is now painfully obvious.

 

AJdaman, you might temporarily forget about the past and think about the future. You've got a long time left to live so you'll have to think about the way you'll go forward. That's really the only question that matters now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

There is no easy answer.

 

She also gave you the truth when the pictures were found, she could have stonewalled and said someone awkwardly caught her under the mistletoe. You say her story's held up.

 

But she was obviously in love with this guy, 18 months is a long time. And the danger of keeping the pictures is now painfully obvious.

 

 

What she most likely did is to trickle truth her BH. Her goal is to

do damage control so she just admits to a fraction of what she

did with the OM.

[aileD]

Don't let this ruin your wonderful life together.

 

Didnt she pass a polygraph saying she's been faithful since?

 

If it helps you---the reason why she freaked about your strip club stuff was to keep or distract you from what she was doing. It's not because she really had any moral problem with it.

[whichwayisup]

There is one thing you have to ask her if you haven't already. Has she kept in touch with this exOM at all over the past 20 years? This is crucial to your recovery.

 

No decision has to be made right now. You both are doing counseling so that's a good start.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

The thing that I can’t get over, and this will seem really petty to some, is that I went to a strip club with friends when we were engaged and it very nearly broke us up. I didn’t do anything there other than watch and I nearly lost her for it. But at the same time she was in the middle of an 18 month long affair. This really bugs me.

 

If it was me I would have looked her square in the eye and let her know that she was the one screwing another man for a year and a half and you just looked at a stripper and I would have let her know that if you would have found out about her piss poor behavior earlier she would have been gone and walked away and let her chew on that.

[goodyblue]

I think that you are being silly in not understanding aliveagain's point. The honest and loyal person that the OP though that he was marrying did not exist when he got married, but was just a fantasy person that she sold him on. There are a lot of legitimate concerns running through the OP's head right now. To him he thought that she was the the woman that loved him and would always have his back, but to her was he just the clueless guy that she was able to fool for so long and keep as a backup plan? That is the weak foundation that their marriage was built on. And although she has grown over the last 19 years, who she was then is still a part of the person that she is today; a cold blood person that the OP is just learning about. The OP now must wonder did she every really love him, or was he just the Plan B loyal good provider guy that was the right type of person to raise her children? Once all of their children are grown and out of the house, will she give him the "I love you, but I am not in love with you speech"? Just because they had a pleasant relationship during the 19 years of marriage as he served his role for her, this does not prove that she ever really loved him, I mean she was able to fool him before.

 

Nah, I understand the point, I just think it is silly. If it is that easy to just erase twenty years of marriage to a person you love, who loves you also, then it should be a piece of cake to just erase the mistake this woman made a lifetime ago.

 

You know, people DO make mistakes and see the error of their ways, make it right and move on with their lives in a positive manner. That seems to be what happened here. The wife clearly isn't a hot mess who ruined his life, as he states they have been happy and raised a wonderful family together. But no, the same two or three posters say the same things they always say, never trust again, your marriage is a lie, divorce is the answer, the cheater is immoral and can't be trusted even after two decades of faithfulness, go buy your cats now so you won't be lonely when your marriage is over.

 

It's almost like (gasp) these few posters want every person who had infidelity touch their lives to be as miserable as they so obviously still are. How awful for this guy to come here for help and hear fire and brimstone. If it were up to a few, this guy would throw his fifty year old wife who he had a good marriage with, into the street while he decides on whether she gets the guillotine or the rack.

 

This is not real life, this place where people give advice in extremes. This guy needs to stick with counseling, marital therapy and work through it with his wife and not in this Fish bowl.

 

So I get it, I just think the advice is foul.

[dichotomy]

I find this story amazing in that she took a polygraph - if true that covers alot in my mind - not only from a truthfulness but her willingness to do whatever was necessary.

 

Only thing I can say is your wife (and of course you) will need to treat this as thought she cheated yesterday. In your mind you will need to go through the process and she will need to go with you. Even though your were not married - 18 months was a long time - and you have to also deal with the fact she was having sex with both of you at a time.

 

My wife continued to see a MM (that she had been sexually involved with) during our whole dating and engagement time. To the best of my investigative skills and reasonable certainty it was not sexual but deeply emotional and with sex discussed and trying to be restarted by MM. It came out after we married. Unlike you I dont believe for a second that some contact/EA would not have continued for years had she not been caught. But credit I guess to her for ending the sexual part (at the time). We continue to have an issue in our marriage having an unhealthy issue in our marriage makes it hard to ever heal from the cheating.

 

Only you can say how your marriage has been - good ? Close? regular sex? respectful ? Also yes you can focus on the fact she was not married to you at the time and sought consulting on her own for the cheating during pre marriage.

 

but as I said - in your mind and heart its like it just happened.

Edited April 3, 2017 by dichotomy

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I presume she passed the polygraph test?

 

What questions were asked exactly?