How to deal with learning of past affair.

[BluesPower]

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion.

 

But you are coming at this from the stand point of an OW who married your MM.

 

OP, just found out that his wife had an 18 month affair, even if it was 20 years ago. For him it happened yesterday.

 

Yes it does call into question everything about their marriage. Was he the safe, child rearing, plan be guy that she really never loved but she new would be a good provide???

 

What man wants to feel like that. I can say that my Ex used me that way for 26 years and put me through hell. Now, frankly, she is reaping some of that hell that she sowed. Sorry, life is a bitch...

 

People, especially OP wife, need to understand that it does not matter when you find out about an affair, it matters that you did find out about the affair.

 

And, yes, it makes perfect sense that he would question their marriage, and his whole life with her. Was it all a lie? Was he her stooge all this time? Was the sex they had meaningful to her or what it just procreation sex so she could have kids.

 

These questions are going through his head are all real. Right now his whole life is under a microscope and it is going to be hard for him to wrap his head around it.

 

I would not blame him if he did divorce her. Is his first kid even his? He does not know?

 

Nothing about the time past makes this any less painful. It might make it more painful because the secret had been kept for 20 years...

[AJdaman]

Thank you for the replies. It’s actually sad that so many people seem to have experience in this sort of thing. I’ll answer the questions that popped up during the replies.

 

Why did she keep the photo’s?

They were taken by “friends”. She made sure she got them all to stop them ever being distributed. She was meant to throw them out but “forgot”. The polygraph did confirm this.

 

About her friends.

There were a number of friends who knew about this. She distanced herself from all but one of them after realizing what she was doing was wrong. She has since cut off friendship with the last one at my request after I found out.

 

Re 20 years since it happened.

If I found out at the time there would have been no hesitation to leave. 20 years certainly complicates the issue. I guess the shock and pain is the same but I now have 20 of history to see that it maybe was just a mistake, albeit a huge one.

 

Re has she provided a timeline.

Yes she has. It has been gone over in detail more than once. There were many questions at the polygraph about this. I was still not 100% convinced. We did a second polygraph at her insistence that gave the same results.

 

Re the strip club anger.

She acknowledges her hypocrisy. She didn’t want me to be like her. She was hating on herself at the time this happened for what she was doing. Obviously not enough to stop though.

 

Re the other guy.

She has not had any contact with him other than him sending her birthday wishes twice in the first two years, both of which she ignored. He has also tried to Facebook her which she has ignored. This was covered in the polygraph.

 

-

 

She hasn’t been able to answer why this happened though. I’ve heard young, stupid, peer pressure and many others. She’s working on this with her counselor.

 

The truth is that I can’t see myself leaving but I can’t see myself ever having the total devotion and trust that I used to. I respect that she has done everything that I have asked of her and even volunteered extra. But the ticks she gains from that can’t wipe out the one big cross of the affair.

 

So where does that leave us? I haven’t quite worked that out yet. It’s been nearly 6 months now and the anger has certainly gone only to be replaced by confusion and maybe even apathy at times. Our sex life is returning but is not what it used to be. It seems we're treading on eggshells where that's concerned.

[aliveagain]

This is silly. He is just now finding out who she is? How selfish? I would say the person she is, is the person he raised a family with, slept next to, ate dinner with, had Christmases with, vacationed with, on and on, for the last 20 years.

 

Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I know I have grown and changed a lot since then. If you haven't then that's on you but the OP sounds like he has had a good life. I can think of a lot of reasons she didn't confess, the largest being fear of losing OP.

 

I would move on. She has been faithful since they married and that says a lot.

 

No I am not the same person I was 20 years ago. I didn't cheat on anyone 20 years ago and I am not cheating on anyone now, that is the same. The reason she ended her 18 month affair was because they moved away. Just my opinion but had they not moved this marriage may have played out a lot differently. Moving is what saved their marriage and not something she did. If he wasn't enough for her then what has changed now? I agree on one point with you, they both need independent counselling with someone experienced in infidelity. His choices didn't matter 20 years ago, she took those rights away from him. Now that he knows the truth and what she is capable of doing the choice is all his. The key word here is "truth."

[goodyblue]

No I am not the same person I was 20 years ago. I didn't cheat on anyone 20 years ago and I am not cheating on anyone now, that is the same. The reason she ended her 18 month affair was because they moved away. Just my opinion but had they not moved this marriage may have played out a lot differently. Moving is what saved their marriage and not something she did. If he wasn't enough for her then what has changed now? I agree on one point with you, they both need independent counselling with someone experienced in infidelity. His choices didn't matter 20 years ago, she took those rights away from him. Now that he knows the truth and what she is capable of doing the choice is all his. The key word here is "truth."

 

Truth? Twenty years of it, it seems. Passed polygraph, doing all she can after an affAir two decades ago. If I had an affair twenty years ago, made things right and moved on, not telling him so he wasn't hurt because it was a blip on the radar, he found out 20 years and four kids later a d tried to put ish me, I would end it.. a.d maybe the wife should, if he is in capable of forgiveness. Let HER find someone who loves her warts and all, as she does him. She chose him. He should know ow women go for love when they are young. She loves him.

 

I'd bail if, after six months this was going on.

 

Something to think about OP. Maybe she will leave.

[usa1ah]

There was a guy that had his wife take a polygraph. She had time to prepare for it. She actually knew the girl that gave the test. She really didn't pass. They are now divorced.

[Zenstudent]

Truth? She has actually lied for 20 years.

[aliveagain]

Truth? Twenty years of it, it seems. Passed polygraph, doing all she can after an affAir two decades ago. If I had an affair twenty years ago, made things right and moved on, not telling him so he wasn't hurt because it was a blip on the radar, he found out 20 years and four kids later a d tried to put ish me, I would end it.. a.d maybe the wife should, if he is in capable of forgiveness. Let HER find someone who loves her warts and all, as she does him. She chose him. He should know ow women go for love when they are young. She loves him.

 

I'd bail if, after six months this was going on.

 

Something to think about OP. Maybe she will leave.

 

You write like a wayward wife that hasn't learnt her lesson or is still broken. Not telling him is not about not hurting him but about saving her cheating a$$. The hurt had already been done, he just didn't find out about it until now. The hurt is the same because the date of discovery is the date of discovery, she has had 20 years to plan for this discovery, he hasn't so let's give this poor guy a break. She already had someone that loved her warts and all, there was an engagement ring on her finger as proof.

 

Had they not moved who knows how long the affair would have gone on for or if discovery would have happened sooner. Why is it her choice if the marriage survives or not? Rug sweeping is the same as doing nothing. He needs to do what is best for him, period.

[sandylee1]

I don't think I could forgive it. I mean how long was your engagement for her to cheat for 18 months of it?

 

At the time a relationship should be filled with joy and bliss and she cheated.

 

Why didn't she break up with you to be with him?

 

Being in full possession of the facts at the point of marriage is imperative. You didn't have the facts and pp who call it a 'mistake' or are trivialising an 18 month affair.

 

This wasn't a ONS or even a week of cheating. 18 whole months and she wanted to break up over a strip club

 

I'd be going to a million strip clubs now and she can like it or lump it.

 

Now that she's older, she'll be even more pi**ed off about it, with younger women in the clubs.

 

How damn hypocritical. Typical of cheaters actually.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why did she keep the photo’s?

They were taken by “friends”. She made sure she got them all to stop them ever being distributed. She was meant to throw them out but “forgot”. The polygraph did confirm this.

 

To me, this result calls into question the entire polygraph. There's a piece of evidence that could blow up your entire world and which you've carefully collected to avoid distribution and you "forgot" to toss it? Not sure I buy it.

 

AJdaman, were it me and thinking of my wife, I'd probably stay. But were it a friend looking for advice, I'd tell him to bail, the road is too tough.

 

So again, no easy answer. Wish I could be more helpful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

What is the most hurtful thing about her affair:

 

1) the sex?

 

2) the lying?

 

3) something else?

 

It's an important question.

[road]

Truth? Twenty years of it, it seems. Passed polygraph, doing all she can after an affAir two decades ago. If I had an affair twenty years ago, made things right and moved on, not telling him so he wasn't hurt because it was a blip on the radar, he found out 20 years and four kids later a d tried to put ish me, I would end it.. a.d maybe the wife should, if he is in capable of forgiveness. Let HER find someone who loves her warts and all, as she does him. She chose him. He should know ow women go for love when they are young. She loves him.

 

I'd bail if, after six months this was going on.

 

Something to think about OP. Maybe she will leave.

 

 

Too many assumptions. She could of stayed just because the OM

would not marry her so she stayed with her plan B, her BH.

[road]

You write like a wayward wife that hasn't learnt her lesson or is still broken. Not telling him is not about not hurting him but about saving her cheating a$$. The hurt had already been done, he just didn't find out about it until now. The hurt is the same because the date of discovery is the date of discovery, she has had 20 years to plan for this discovery, he hasn't so let's give this poor guy a break. She already had someone that loved her warts and all, there was an engagement ring on her finger as proof.

 

Had they not moved who knows how long the affair would have gone on for or if discovery would have happened sooner. Why is it her choice if the marriage survives or not? Rug sweeping is the same as doing nothing. He needs to do what is best for him, period.

 

Maybe even pass off an OC on the BH if the affair went on

long enough.

[road]

OP, ask your WW why did she not go an move with the OM.

Then tell us her answer.

[sandylee1]

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion.

 

But you are coming at this from the stand point of an OW who married your MM.

 

 

Nothing about the time past makes this any less painful. It might make it more painful because the secret had been kept for 20 years...

 

@BluesPower you nailed it. I think there's a real minimising of an 18 month affair.. By calling it a mistake.

 

A mistake that only ended, when the OM moved away.

 

It's the hypocrisy of her as well that would almost push me to being done with it.

[sandylee1]

I'm not quite sure how it's turned on the BH being incapable of forgiveness and the attitude of the WW walking.

 

That kind of attitude is warped thinking and gives off a sense of entitlement.

 

The fact that the affair was 20 years prior and 4 children later, doesn't lessen the pain of the betrayal. For the OP he's just found out and I'm sensing a "get over it and move on" tone from a very small minority of posters.

 

I think if it was me, I'd feel the need to have my spouse face some consequences, otherwise, it's just like they got away with murder.

 

I'd also want to know: - - - why the affair happened.

 

- Was it for the fun of it

 

- was the other person more the one they wanted

 

- how did it start

 

- how did she justify it was okay in her mind

 

-what was going through her head regarding her affair, when she kicked off about the strip club

 

- was there any guilt over the 18 months? if so why didn't it stop sooner

 

OP, don't accept this as "a blip, or a little mistake"

 

A really good question to your wife is, if the tables were turned, what could you possibly do, for her to try and repair the damage?

 

That will give her a sense of how soul destroying it is. I've asked a WW that very question, because she wants her BH to get over it... Because it's been 6 months since their Dday.

 

She hasn't been able to come up with a single thing he could do if he had cheated. That tells me, she knows there is probably nothing.

 

The question just helps for the WS to understand the magnitude of their actions.

[goodyblue]

Too many assumptions. She could of stayed just because the OM

would not marry her so she stayed with her plan B, her BH.

 

Too many assumptions on your part as well. She could have ended the relationship with OP. She didn't NEED to marry.

[goodyblue]

I'm not quite sure how it's turned on the BH being incapable of forgiveness and the attitude of the WW walking.

 

That kind of attitude is warped thinking and gives off a sense of entitlement.

 

The fact that the affair was 20 years prior and 4 children later, doesn't lessen the pain of the betrayal. For the OP he's just found out and I'm sensing a "get over it and move on" tone from a very small minority of posters.

 

I think if it was me, I'd feel the need to have my spouse face some consequences, otherwise, it's just like they got away with murder.

 

I'd also want to know: - - - why the affair happened.

 

- Was it for the fun of it

 

- was the other person more the one they wanted

 

- how did it start

 

- how did she justify it was okay in her mind

 

-what was going through her head regarding her affair, when she kicked off about the strip club

 

- was there any guilt over the 18 months? if so why didn't it stop sooner

 

OP, don't accept this as "a blip, or a little mistake"

 

A really good question to your wife is, if the tables were turned, what could you possibly do, for her to try and repair the damage?

 

That will give her a sense of how soul destroying it is. I've asked a WW that very question, because she wants her BH to get over it... Because it's been 6 months since their Dday.

 

She hasn't been able to come up with a single thing he could do if he had cheated. That tells me, she knows there is probably nothing.

 

The question just helps for the WS to understand the magnitude of their actions.

 

I guess this is why I am happy in my life. I know how to forgive and not punish, to move on from old, old wounds.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

This is silly. He is just now finding out who she is? How selfish? I would say the person she is, is the person he raised a family with, slept next to, ate dinner with, had Christmases with, vacationed with, on and on, for the last 20 years.

 

Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I know I have grown and changed a lot since then. If you haven't then that's on you but the OP sounds like he has had a good life. I can think of a lot of reasons she didn't confess, the largest being fear of losing OP.

 

I would move on. She has been faithful since they married and that says a lot.

 

It's not silly at all. I experienced the same thing as OP, but instead of 20 years it was 8. My d-day was 10 years into the marriage. In my opinion those 10 years were all lies and bull. So for OP, I can see how those 20 years can be seen as tainted and muddied.

 

Think of it this way: for my WW those 10 years were "real" because she had all of the pieces of the puzzle. But for me, I didn't even know there WAS a puzzle, nevermind that there were missing pieces.

 

In summary, the woman that I "vacationed with" for 10 years was not who I thought she was. Our marriage was not what I thought it was.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Buttercat]

I guess this is why I am happy in my life. I know how to forgive and not punish, to move on from old, old wounds.

 

The wounds aren't old to the OP though. They're only old to his wife. He's got every right to be hurt and upset about this brand new information.

[goodyblue]

The wounds aren't old to the OP though. They're only old to his wife. He's got every right to be hurt and upset about this brand new information.

 

I just really don't care whAt anyone says, the fact is finding out about a twenty year ago affair is NOT the same as finding out your wife is in the throes of an affair NOW.

 

So yes, be upset, ask questions, feel hurt. Then MOVE ON or DIVORCE..

 

People who wallow in misery for years don't realize how short life is. If it is going to take 2 years to recover, it's not worth saving. The only people who think k it is ok to do this are people here. It is a waste of the precious time we live on this earth.

 

And this isn't cheater speak either. I get sick of hearing that. I never cheated and was OW for a short time. Moved on long ago.

 

People that are happy in this life are happy because they choose it, they don't wait around to 'feel better'. So while you wait, everyone else is living. I am sorry, it's true. If someone tried to punish me for six months for something I did a lifetime ago, I would walk away and I wouldn't regret it.

[Spring23]

If someone tried to punish me for six months for something I did a lifetime ago, I would walk away and I wouldn't regret it.

 

I agree. Who can tolerate being punished? It's irritating and unnecessary. I'll admit I've done lots of "punishing" to my husband over stupid stuff and I feel bad about it.

[BluesPower]

Again, believe what you want that is totally cool.

 

But on this one you are just completely wrong. It is fresh to OP and he would be well within his right to divorce if that was his choice.

 

What makes it worse is the OP's WW never had the courage to tell him what she had done. He has been betrayed and it does not matter if it was 20 days ago or 20 years.

 

I still feels the same to him.

 

Maybe you can't understand why someone would feel that way, and of course coming from the OW side of the street, why would you?

 

But those that have cheated on by our wives, like OP, feel differently...

[goodyblue]

I just really don't care whAt anyone says, the fact is finding out about a twenty year ago affair is NOT the same as finding out your wife is in the throes of an affair NOW.

 

So yes, be upset, ask questions, feel hurt. Then MOVE ON or DIVORCE..

 

People who wallow in misery for years don't realize how short life is. If it is going to take 2 years to recover, it's not worth saving. The only people who think k it is ok to do this are people here. It is a waste of the precious time we live on this earth.

 

And this isn't cheater speak either. I get sick of hearing that. I never cheated and was OW for a short time. Moved on long ago.

 

People that are happy in this life are happy because they choose it, they don't wait around to 'feel better'. So while you wait, everyone else is living. I am sorry, it's true. If someone tried to punish me for six months for something I did a lifetime ago, I would walk away and I wouldn't regret it.

 

I agree. Who can tolerate being punished? It's irritating and unnecessary. I'll admit I've done lots of "punishing" to my husband over stupid stuff and I feel bad about it.

 

The thing is, it's ok to be upset, and we all handle things in our own way, but months or years of punishment? To me that is abuse. So have your feelings, but don't wallow. Move on to happier things.

[Cephalopod]

I just really don't care whAt anyone says, the fact is finding out about a twenty year ago affair is NOT the same as finding out your wife is in the throes of an affair NOW.

 

So yes, be upset, ask questions, feel hurt. Then MOVE ON or DIVORCE..

 

People who wallow in misery for years don't realize how short life is. If it is going to take 2 years to recover, it's not worth saving. The only people who think k it is ok to do this are people here. It is a waste of the precious time we live on this earth.

 

And this isn't cheater speak either. I get sick of hearing that. I never cheated and was OW for a short time. Moved on long ago.

 

People that are happy in this life are happy because they choose it, they don't wait around to 'feel better'. So while you wait, everyone else is living. I am sorry, it's true. If someone tried to punish me for six months for something I did a lifetime ago, I would walk away and I wouldn't regret it.

 

I hope you never get cheated on. But if you do one day...all this crap you just spewed will go out the door, and you will be talking a different game.

[Buttercat]

I just really don't care whAt anyone says, the fact is finding out about a twenty year ago affair is NOT the same as finding out your wife is in the throes of an affair NOW.

 

So yes, be upset, ask questions, feel hurt. Then MOVE ON or DIVORCE..

 

People who wallow in misery for years don't realize how short life is. If it is going to take 2 years to recover, it's not worth saving. The only people who think k it is ok to do this are people here. It is a waste of the precious time we live on this earth.

 

And this isn't cheater speak either. I get sick of hearing that. I never cheated and was OW for a short time. Moved on long ago.

 

People that are happy in this life are happy because they choose it, they don't wait around to 'feel better'. So while you wait, everyone else is living. I am sorry, it's true. If someone tried to punish me for six months for something I did a lifetime ago, I would walk away and I wouldn't regret it.

 

I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree. Unless you've experienced something like this, perhaps it's more difficult to understand.

 

I recently learned that a close family member of mine stole a large chunk of money from me that I received for my Bat Mitzvah when I was 13 to fuel her drug habit.

 

It wasn't a life changing amount of money, but it would have been nice to have had it when I was young and broke.

 

Even though it happened 20 years ago, and even though she's supposedly clean now (though this is actually debatable unfortunately), I'm angry and hurt by it, and I'm finding it very difficult to trust anything she says anymore.

 

Just like the OP's wife, my family member never owned up to this. Someone else told me about it. That hurts just as much as the theft, as I'd thought she and I were close. It makes me question every single thing about our relationship for the past 20 years.

 

I imagine that's somewhat how the OP is feeling right now as well.