How to deal with learning of past affair.

[goodyblue]

I hope you never get cheated on. But if you do one day...all this crap you just spewed will go out the door, and you will be talking a different game.

 

I won't. But if I did, I would be gone. And I would move on emotionally as well.

 

I have had things happen that are worse, and moved on.

 

I CHOOSE happiness.

 

Turn away from the pain you don't want.

 

I also didn't 'spew' anything. I stated my opinion.

[Spring23]

I hope you never get cheated on. But if you do one day...all this crap you just spewed will go out the door, and you will be talking a different game.

 

If my husband cheated on me I would be very angry. I WOULD probably use it against him every chance I got. I know myself. We would need to divorce because I wouldn't be able to really forgive and forget. So why would I waste the rest of both of our lives beating him up over something he cannot change? I wouldn't.

[Cephalopod]

If my husband cheated on me I would be very angry. I WOULD probably use it against him every chance I got. I know myself. We would need to divorce because I wouldn't be able to really forgive and forget. So why would I waste the rest of both of our lives beating him up over something he cannot change? I wouldn't.

 

Everybody says they will walk if it happens. But when the reality hits, more than half the people out there stayed anyway. It's a whole new ballgame when it actually happens. If my exWW had shown even a half ounce of remorse for what she did to me and my daughter, there is a good chance I would still be married. And I was one of those who was adamant I would D if anyone ever did that to me.

[Spring23]

Everybody says they will walk if it happens. But when the reality hits, more than half the people out there stayed anyway. It's a whole new ballgame when it actually happens. If my exWW had shown even a half ounce of remorse for what she did to me and my daughter, there is a good chance I would still be married. And I was one of those who was adamant I would D if anyone ever did that to me.

 

Yeah, true enough. My guess is most stay because of practical reasons or because starting over again is just a repulsive idea, people come up with reasons to just stay.

 

Sorry your marriage didn't work out.

[Cephalopod]

No worries. Best thing that could have happened.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Cephalopod

[EZNona]

Everybody says they will walk if it happens. But when the reality hits, more than half the people out there stayed anyway. It's a whole new ballgame when it actually happens. If my exWW had shown even a half ounce of remorse for what she did to me and my daughter, there is a good chance I would still be married. And I was one of those who was adamant I would D if anyone ever did that to me.

 

So so true.

 

Listen OP,

 

I'm going to keep it simple. If someone were to ask you if you loved your wife and wanted to remain married to her before you found all this out...if your answer would be "Yes" to that question, then continue to do the work to repair your marriage.

 

Infidelity is one of the worst things to experience in a relationship, but you can recover from it. It could take anywhere from 1-2 years of emotionally healing on your end...maybe even longer. And there are some who never recover from it.

 

Your wife did something really stupid many many years ago, but she realized this and has been faithful and committed to her marriage with you. That doesn't make what she did right or okay, but it shows she had enough sense and strength to let go of that part of her life forever. She has shown remorse and done everything asked of her to help wash away any doubts and questions you may have. Your emotions will be like a roller coaster at times, but you both can come out of this together if you continue to work at it.

 

If you feel that you will never recover, then by all means get a divorce, but I wouldn't do this until exhausting all efforts and reasonable time to see if your marriage can be repaired. I believe it can be.

 

There are some really horrible infidelity stories on this forum and just in the daily world. Many of us have experienced the devastating world of infidelity, but your story has a lot of hope tied to it. I wouldn't give up on that.

[road]

I just really don't care whAt anyone says, the fact is finding out about a twenty year ago affair is NOT the same as finding out your wife is in the throes of an affair NOW.

 

So yes, be upset, ask questions, feel hurt. Then MOVE ON or DIVORCE..

 

People who wallow in misery for years don't realize how short life is. If it is going to take 2 years to recover, it's not worth saving. The only people who think k it is ok to do this are people here. It is a waste of the precious time we live on this earth.

 

And this isn't cheater speak either. I get sick of hearing that. I never cheated and was OW for a short time. Moved on long ago.

 

People that are happy in this life are happy because they choose it, they don't wait around to 'feel better'. So while you wait, everyone else is living. I am sorry, it's true. If someone tried to punish me for six months for something I did a lifetime ago, I would walk away and I wouldn't regret it.

 

You were a cheater because you aided and abetted an affair. Just as

guilty as the get away driver in a bank robbery.

 

 

This is not old news to the OP this is brand new news to the OP. To the

WW and the OM it is old news and they have had twenty years to

process want had happened and to get over it.

 

 

Just because and affair happened 20 years ago does not diminish that

the BH had his D day 20 years later.

 

 

Also because the D day is now for the BH it sets the recovery clock

to now. Just because you did not have the consequences of being

cheated on you can not see how recovery can take two to five years.

 

 

Yes the WW has had the time to do four to five recoveries since her

affair ended. Unfortunately for the WW she went through her recovery

alone. This new D day has negated the recovery period that the WW

has already gone through alone.

 

 

Because her BH needs to go through recovery now this WW must

go through recovery a second time in partnership with her BH.

 

 

No marriage will recover if both spouses do not do the required

recovery work.

[road]

If my husband cheated on me I would be very angry. I WOULD probably use it against him every chance I got. I know myself. We would need to divorce because I wouldn't be able to really forgive and forget. So why would I waste the rest of both of our lives beating him up over something he cannot change? I wouldn't.

 

It is easy to say what one would do IF something was to happen.

Well guessing in advance is not the same facing a situation for

real.

[Buttercat]

I won't. But if I did, I would be gone. And I would move on emotionally as well.

 

I have had things happen that are worse, and moved on.

 

I CHOOSE happiness.

 

Turn away from the pain you don't want.

 

I also didn't 'spew' anything. I stated my opinion.

 

It's lovely that you're happy now, but I can only assume that it took you time and effort to get there, just as it will take the OP and his wife time and effort. And your version of happiness may not be everyone else's version of happiness.

 

We all come from different backgrounds and have experienced different things. We are all equipped differently for different situations. It's impossible to compare one person's pain with another's.

 

Lastly, it's impossible to predict how you will react to a situation until you're in it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi AJdaman, guess you are dealing with a time bomb with a twenty year fuse. Guess also that some people do not see it that way and think it is a 'blip' on an otherwise happy t2enty year marriage. Your story reminds me of the scene in the movie 'Serendipity' where the male protagonist discovers by accident, just a day before his wedding that his fiancee is having an ONS with her lover boy. The result is that he calls off his wedding and subsequently goes on to find his true love, the female protagonist in the film. Sadly, you did not catch your fiancee in the throes of passion with her lover boy and so could not exercise the option of calling off your wedding and finding someone who loved you enough not to 'cheat' on you for eigjteen months while being engaged to you and ending it only a short while before you married her, that too by default because her lover boyoved away. Obviously her vows at the alter were hollow and meaningless.

 

An affair is not a mistake. It is a conscious choiceade deliberately. An eighteen month affair is all the more a consciously executed decisionade repea5edly over a period of time. It can never be dismissed as a 'blip' in an otherwise blemishless marriage. As a fiancee your now wife was I'm a committed relationship and by her having a long term affair during this period she was seriously undermining the relationship from her end. To add insult to injury she took issue with you for your visit to a strip club where you just watched but did not do anything to compromise yourself and made enough of a hullaballoo to make you think your engagement was over. Presumably you owned up to your so called indiscretion which led to the storm in the teacup.

 

Having said the above I do believe your wife has genuinely realized the damage she has caused to the marriage and the hurt that she has caused you. If she has shown true remorse and is doing the heavy lifting as is reiterated often here then it may be time to move on but after establishing se boundaries to be adhered to strictly by her. These are usually well known and should include complete transparency of all electronic devices and media and any other matters which you consider reasonable. Goody blue does have a point in that you must not punish your wife as then you might as well divorce. However there should not be any sweeping things under the rug either. I guess what you both are doing is good to help you recover and of course your wife will have to bend over backwards to help you heal and recover your trust in her. Warm wishes to you.

[sandylee1]

Sometimes if you haven't been betrayed and further more if you've participated in an affair with a married person, you are likely to lack empathy, due to the flawed thinking within you.

 

I found out that my husband discussed some intimate details of our marriage with an EX GF, and some 10 years after it happened.

 

The pain was raw, regardless of the fact that we have a good marriage. It takes time to process and its not a simple case of "get over it and move on or divorce".

 

That view shows that one hasn't realised the depth and impact of their actions. If a WS showed that attitude, it would indicate to me they aren't remorseful at all. I am also flabbergasted that an 18 month affair is viewed as just "a little or a silly mistake."

[William]

Looks like this new member disappeared so I'll close this rather than review and process out the content......