Finding guys to date "irl"

[Cookiesandough]

Hi. I need some advice. I want to meet attractive, single men "IRL". I've pretty much had it with online dating. There is no one for me on there. No one catches my interest. I'm pretty much convinced at this point if they could, they wouldn't be on there. I knew that when I joined again. Not only that, I want to meet someone in a more 'organic' way to build a relationship. I want a person who is open to it, but not seeking it.

 

 

I'm convinced the only guys I will want to date will be met irl. I just get so nervous talking to men in real life. Also, sadly,, I have a feeling that most quality, attractive guys are taken. They probably have a circle already where they know women if by chance they become single. I don't think attractive and not-socially-awkward men turn to online dating...ever.

 

I am hoping to open myself to meeting more single men like this irl. Does anyone have any tips for me besides be more attractive? I am willing to talk first but I don't want to be awkward. I also don't wanna talk to men who have wives or gfs. I'm very nervous. What are some good ways to attract men for dating IRL.

 

I met my last bf at school, but I'm out now. I do MOT want to date anyone in my field. My social circle is small, but I have quite a few acquaintances. I don't think I'd be comfortable asking them to hook me up with guys. I'm very bad at flirting. I don't even know where to go?

 

 

Thanks for any advice!

[CarbonCopy]

I don't have any advice to offer, but I feel the same way. I feel like the only men on online dating sites are either socially awkward, emotionally damaged/unavailable, or just looking for sex. I've never thought I'd find the kind of man that I want online, and so far I've been right. But where else can you meet guys that aren't bars or clubs?

[Cookiesandough]

I don't have any advice to offer, but I feel the same way. I feel like the only men on online dating sites are either socially awkward, emotionally damaged/unavailable, or just looking for sex. I've never thought I'd find the kind of man that I want online, and so far I've been right. But where else can you meet guys that aren't bars or clubs?

 

I agree 100% but I've admittedly not tried the bar/club/nightlife scene much. What's your experience been with that?

[Cookiesandough]

He is right about being able to offer what you want in return. Being realistic with your expectations.

 

Volunteer. I've started to volunteer at an animal shelter and found that there are tons of women there. This obviously doesn't help you women, but it highlights how there are places that will increase your chances of meeting someone.

 

I think I have quite a bit too offer and I don't think I'm trying to play out of my "league", although I may be a bit biased.

 

Thank you for the tip! I actually signed up for lots of volunteer opportunities recently(not to get men haha, but hey, 2 birds )

[CptInsano]

I agree 100% but I've admittedly not tried the bar/club/nightlife scene much. What's your experience been with that?

 

I can tell you where I met women IRL:

 

- Subway and other forms of public transportation

- Work/School

- Waiting Room

- Store (She was working at that store.)

- Street

 

I have also met women on online discussion boards, and one even in the chat function of a computer game.

 

What I'm trying to say is: You can truly meet people almost anywhere, there is no specific location. As a woman you also shouldn't need to do much more than find somebody you like and smile just a little bit.

 

Or to give you an example: I'm on a train, looking for a seat. I think a woman smiled at me, but I wasn't sure. I walk up to her an ask if the seat next to her is taken, to which she replies: "Yes, it is reserved...for you." I mean, you don't have to be that forward, yet there is really not "one place" where you meet people as long as you get to see enough people. My approach wouldn't have worked nearly as well if I hadn't lived in large metropolitan areas.

[CarbonCopy]

I agree 100% but I've admittedly not tried the bar/club/nightlife scene much. What's your experience been with that?

 

I haven't ever met anyone worthwhile at a bar or club. I haven't actually tried in a long, long time, but not a place to look if you're seeking a real relationship.

 

The volunteering sounds good, though. I just wish you didn't have to work SO hard to meet someone.

[CarbonCopy]

I can tell you where I met women IRL:

 

- Subway and other forms of public transportation

- Work/School

- Waiting Room

- Store (She was working at that store.)

- Street

 

I have also met women on online discussion boards, and one even in the chat function of a computer game.

 

What I'm trying to say is: You can truly meet people almost anywhere, there is no specific location. As a woman you also shouldn't need to do much more than find somebody you like and smile just a little bit.

 

Or to give you an example: I'm on a train, looking for a seat. I think a woman smiled at me, but I wasn't sure. I walk up to her an ask if the seat next to her is taken, to which she replies: "Yes, it is reserved...for you." I mean, you don't have to be that forward, yet there is really not "one place" where you meet people as long as you get to see enough people. My approach wouldn't have worked nearly as well if I hadn't lived in large metropolitan areas.

 

I live in the NYC area. I am young, attractive, and nice. The only men that really ever have the balls to start a conversation are either older men or married lol.

[OatsAndHall]

I first started using OLD because I thought it would be a convenient way to meet women and because my social circle at the time involved folks I worked with. I wasn't comfortable dating women from work or dating people through work as it we all worked pretty closely together and there were potential for problems. I had a few opportunities (and even one date) but, again, I just wasn't comfortable with it.

 

I became further sucked into the OLD world when I moved to a small town in a sparsely populated area. It was either use OLD to meet people or hit up the bars each weekend. I gave the bars a whirl as I'm not socially awkward but it not only sucked; it became damn-near dangerous. I was having a good time with a woman one night who turned out to have a live-in boyfriend and a couple of kids. That was ugly, to say the least. So, I fell back on OLD and that sucked worse.

 

If anything, OLD made really turned me off to dating in general and started to make me feel socially awkward because I wasn't aware of all of the little bullchit intricacies that go along with it. I had been chatting with a woman for a few days and we set up a date. I made the comment that I was looking forward to meeting her in person as I had enjoyed chatting with her.. BOOM, she ghosted me. I sent her a message asking if she still wanted to go have coffee and she told me that I was "becoming too emotionally attached". Initially, I sat back and really wondered where I had screwed up before coming to the realization that there was something else going on with her.

 

But, I'm in your shoes. I'm dating someone right now (that I met via OLD) but I will not go back to OLD. It's a world unto itself that has too many negatives for me.

[Cookiesandough]

I can tell you where I met women IRL:

 

- Subway and other forms of public transportation

- Work/School

- Waiting Room

- Store (She was working at that store.)

- Street

 

I have also met women on online discussion boards, and one even in the chat function of a computer game.

 

What I'm trying to say is: You can truly meet people almost anywhere, there is no specific location. As a woman you also shouldn't need to do much more than find somebody you like and smile just a little bit.

 

Or to give you an example: I'm on a train, looking for a seat. I think a woman smiled at me, but I wasn't sure. I walk up to her an ask if the seat next to her is taken, to which she replies: "Yes, it is reserved...for you." I mean, you don't have to be that forward, yet there is really not "one place" where you meet people as long as you get to see enough people. My approach wouldn't have worked nearly as well if I hadn't lived in large metropolitan areas.

 

Thank you! That's great advice. Idk what it is. I think I smile? But I'm very shy. I'm also friendly, though. I smile a lot when out with friends but I smile at everyone. Not just who I'm attracted to. I might just not be attractive enough to attract the men I want..but there's some other issue I have. If i can use an example.

 

I was out with a group of friends at a bar, .and one of my friend's friend a guy was looking at me all night. I think I smiled at him a lot. We did make brief small talk and hit it off, but that's as far as it went. Then I met him on a dating site and he asked me out??? He didn't ask me out in person. Maybe he was just shy, though he didn't seem like it at all. He was very outgoing.

 

Another thing is when guys talk to me, I try to get out of the situation because I get so nervous, instead of continuing the conversation. Bad move? I'd think if they were interested enough to talk to me and I said I have to go they'd still go for my # or something. Idk.

[CarbonCopy]

The balls lol. You know why? When an average guy tries to have a conversation with you, he gets ignored or worse he's deemed a creep because he isn't attractive enough. What guy is going to risk that when there's almost no chance of a good outcome?

 

I don't t think that way. I like it when any man has the courage to approach me, whether I'm attracted to him or not. It takes guts to do that and to me, it shows character, which I feel many men lack nowadays.

[Cookiesandough]

The balls lol. You know why? When an average guy tries to have a conversation with you, he gets ignored or worse he's deemed a creep because he isn't attractive enough. What guy is going to risk that when there's almost no chance of a good outcome?

 

I'm just wondering if you're the same bitter guy just reincarnated under a new username each time

 

 

Or there's a legion of you (probably)

 

 

Lol just because people (including you) have a hard time finding the right person does not mean they don't have anything to offer

Edited April 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Eternal Sunshine]

Despite using OLD on and off for years, the only relationships I ever had were with men I met IRL. This was back in my former town where I had a larger circle of friends to go out with.

 

I feel like HUGE % of OLD men are out for sex, are on the rebound, are emotionally unavailable or really poor prospects (unattractive, unemployed, living with parents and so on).

 

Out of men I had relationships with from IRL NONE ever used OLD sites and said they never would. I also prefer relationships to grow organically so OLD is a bad setup alltogether.

 

My solution is to go a round about way and expand my current social circle. I have joined a martial arts class and am about to start attending meet ups (for expats and just random ones for 30+ professional singles)...

 

It's almost pointless using OLD for me since it never worked.

[KBob]

I'm just wondering if you're the same bitter guy just reincarnated under a new username each time

 

 

Or there's a legion of you (probably)

 

 

Lol just because people (including you) have a hard time finding the right person does not mean they don't have anything to offer

 

It's definitely the same guy.

[OatsAndHall]

The balls lol. You know why? When an average guy tries to have a conversation with you, he gets ignored or worse he's deemed a creep because he isn't attractive enough. What guy is going to risk that when there's almost no chance of a good outcome?

 

In college, I had an extremely overweight buddy that seemed to hook up with women all the time. I was feeling sorry for myself after a long term relationship ended. He took me out one night and we hit up half of the bars in town. He told me to to hit up as many women as I could, he'd do the same and we'd compare how many phone numbers we got. He told me not to use cheesy pick up lines; just ask them if I could buy them a drink. I told him that I wasn't comfortable doing so but he appealed to my caveman side by turning it into a competition. (Yeah, yeah, shallow, I know. We were both 21 years old, don't judge me too harshly).

 

Half way through the night, I had about five numbers and he had nearly twice as many. I got discouraged when a woman flat told me to ---- off after I simply told her that I'd like to buy her a drink and that I'd be over in ____ booth if she wanted. I was complaining about it to me and he said something I'll never forget:

 

"Dude, it's her loss! You weren't rude, you weren't using some stupid pick up line: you just asked if she wanted a drink. You were being a nice guy and she was being a b-tch! Stop whining and get back on the horse!"

 

I took that to heart and remembered that conversation every time I asked a woman out from there on out. Do I truly believe that it's "their loss" if they're not into me? No. But, that one line gave me more self-confidence when I approach women. That self-confidence snowballed and I became less awkward with women, stopped caring about rejection and got a ton of dates and a few quality relationships.

[CarbonCopy]

Despite using OLD on and off for years, the only relationships I ever had were with men I met IRL. This was back in my former town where I had a larger circle of friends to go out with.

 

I feel like HUGE % of OLD men are out for sex, are on the rebound, are emotionally unavailable or really poor prospects (unattractive, unemployed, living with parents and so on).

 

Out of men I had relationships with from IRL NONE ever used OLD sites and said they never would. I also prefer relationships to grow organically so OLD is a bad setup alltogether.

 

My solution is to go a round about way and expand my current social circle. I have joined a martial arts class and am about to start attending meet ups (for expats and just random ones for 30+ professional singles)...

 

It's almost pointless using OLD for me since it never worked.

 

This is so true! I met my ex in real life and there's no way he ever would have used OLD.

[CarbonCopy]

No I don't buy it that you like it when any man approaches. If chess nerd with glasses approaches you, you won't like that. Why don't you just admit it. You certainly wouldn't want him asking for your phone number or asking you out.

 

You don't know me or know who I am at all. I've been approached many times by men who I'm not attracted to. I've never been mean or unkind just because I have no desire to date them. If they ask me out, who cares.

[OatsAndHall]

Most people of your gender care. How many times do you think a guy can stand to hear you make me uncomfortable? How many times?

 

You can ask a woman out without making her uncomfortable. It just takes a simple, polite approach.

 

I used to frequent the same gas stations for years and there were two cashiers that I was interested in. I'd make idle chit-chat with them when I went through the line and ended up asking them out. I didn't throw out any bullchit: I just asked them if they wanted to hang out. They gave me their numbers and we went out.

[WaitingForBardot]

Hi. I need some advice. I want to meet attractive, single men "IRL". I've pretty much had it with online dating. There is no one for me on there. No one catches my interest. I'm pretty much convinced at this point if they could, they wouldn't be on there. I knew that when I joined again. Not only that, I want to meet someone in a more 'organic' way to build a relationship. I want a person who is open to it, but not seeking it.

 

 

I'm convinced the only guys I will want to date will be met irl. I just get so nervous talking to men in real life. Also, sadly,, I have a feeling that most quality, attractive guys are taken. They probably have a circle already where they know women if by chance they become single. I don't think attractive and not-socially-awkward men turn to online dating...ever.

 

I am hoping to open myself to meeting more single men like this irl. Does anyone have any tips for me besides be more attractive? I am willing to talk first but I don't want to be awkward. I also don't wanna talk to men who have wives or gfs. I'm very nervous. What are some good ways to attract men for dating IRL.

 

I met my last bf at school, but I'm out now. I do MOT want to date anyone in my field. My social circle is small, but I have quite a few acquaintances. I don't think I'd be comfortable asking them to hook me up with guys. I'm very bad at flirting. I don't even know where to go?

 

 

Thanks for any advice!

 

You're defeating yourself with this kind of negative self-talk before you even get started! It's not that you're feeling/thinking these thoughts, they can be natural, it's what you're (not) doing as a result of them.

 

Flirting, making small talk, etc, are learned skills and the way you get better at them is to practice. The more you do them, the easier they will get. Not saying it will ever necessarily be easy, but it will get easier.

 

My suggestion is the same as I make to the guys here: Just start trying to talk with everyone when you're out and about where it might be natural do to so. You know like in line at the store, waiting for coffee, wherever. And by everyone I mean everyone; men, women, old, young, attractive or not. Just chat with them a bit and then be on your way. You're not trying to start a relationship with them, you're just practicing your interpersonal skills and making yourself available.

 

If you get in this habit, you will meet men that are interested in you, some that are single, and some that you think are attractive and might even like back.

[OatsAndHall]

He was definitely attractive if he got that interest. He are obviously above average too. Average guys who go into a bar will get none.

 

 

Lol... He's 5'8'', bald and weighs over 300 pounds . He has self-confidence, charisma and never cared if a woman shot him down. He's currently married to a beautiful, intelligent lawyer and has two kids with her. He met this woman in college and never looked back.

 

Personality and self-esteem goes a long way in life.

[CptInsano]

I live in the NYC area. I am young, attractive, and nice. The only men that really ever have the balls to start a conversation are either older men or married lol.

 

Then I don't know what it is. I've been to NYC before, and the people seem friendly enough, despite their reputation. I just cannot believe that guys have somehow "unlearned" how to talk to a woman, that seems very counter-intuitive.

 

One of my first crushes was from NYC, and she was one of the sweetest people I ever met. Whatever you are running into, I don't think it's an NYC thing.

 

Maybe I cannot relate, as I'm now in my mid-40s, but I really didn't behave all that different in my 20s, except that it got easier over the years.

[Cookiesandough]

Despite using OLD on and off for years, the only relationships I ever had were with men I met IRL. This was back in my former town where I had a larger circle of friends to go out with.

 

I feel like HUGE % of OLD men are out for sex, are on the rebound, are emotionally unavailable or really poor prospects (unattractive, unemployed, living with parents and so on).

 

Out of men I had relationships with from IRL NONE ever used OLD sites and said they never would. I also prefer relationships to grow organically so OLD is a bad setup alltogether.

 

My solution is to go a round about way and expand my current social circle. I have joined a martial arts class and am about to start attending meet ups (for expats and just random ones for 30+ professional singles)...

 

It's almost pointless using OLD for me since it never worked.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. This is exactly where I'm at. Right with you with the men on OLD( knew it would start a shtstorm, but had to be real) I think the best solution is just to put yourself out there and let it happen, like you said. Get involved. Expand hobbies and social circle. Thanks!

[CptInsano]

Thank you! That's great advice. Idk what it is. I think I smile? But I'm very shy. I'm also friendly, though. I smile a lot when out with friends but I smile at everyone. Not just who I'm attracted to. I might just not be attractive enough to attract the men I want..

 

You may not be attractive enough to attract all the men you want, but I'm sure you are attractive enough to attract some men you want. If you are attracted to the completely wrong men, that's yet another question.

 

but there's some other issue I have. If i can use an example.

 

I was out with a group of friends at a bar, .and one of my friend's friend a guy was looking at me all night. I think I smiled at him a lot. We did make brief small talk and hit it off, but that's as far as it went. Then I met him on a dating site and he asked me out??? He didn't ask me out in person. Maybe he was just shy, though he didn't seem like it at all. He was very outgoing.

Most men are not shy, only very few really are. If he was interested, you appeared interested, then he probably would have asked to contact you if you were making small talk already. My guess is that he was unsure whether you had an interest in him.

 

Another thing is when guys talk to me, I try to get out of the situation because I get so nervous, instead of continuing the conversation. Bad move? I'd think if they were interested enough to talk to me and I said I have to go they'd still go for my # or something. Idk.

Yes, that feels like a rejection from the guy's perspective. If a woman says that she needs to go during the initial conversation, most guys would correctly interpret that as some form of flight, but they would attribute your behavior to you trying to avoid them.

[OatsAndHall]

Then I don't know what it is. I've been to NYC before, and the people seem friendly enough, despite their reputation. I just cannot believe that guys have somehow "unlearned" how to talk to a woman, that seems very counter-intuitive.

 

One of my first crushes was from NYC, and she was one of the sweetest people I ever met. Whatever you are running into, I don't think it's an NYC thing.

 

Maybe I cannot relate, as I'm now in my mid-40s, but I really didn't behave all that different in my 20s, except that it got easier over the years.

 

I blame it on technology. I'm glad I was raised before the era of social media and cell phones. Texting and messaging have made many people completely socially inept. I cannot tell you how many folks I have met that struggle to hold a conversation, face to face. They can text someone for hours and hours or bullchit over social media but you put them in a room with people and they become uncomfortable in a hurry.

 

I miss the days when you needed to actually communicate face to face or through conversations on the phone in order to get to know one another.

[CptInsano]

When women constantly tell you that you make them uncomfortable men don't want to keep talking to them when the outcome is bad every time.

 

That is not my experience. Most women I talk to, even if they are not interested in me romantically, are likely to talk my ear off in all kinds of ways.

[CarbonCopy]

Most people of your gender care. How many times do you think a guy can stand to hear you make me uncomfortable? How many times?

 

Then clearly it's something you're doing. Maybe you are actually a creep.