Finding guys to date "irl"

[JennyBean]

I've pretty much had it with online dating. There is no one for me on there.

 

Then why were you on there? Doesn't that work both ways?

 

Anyway - I didn't read the replies in this thread but hopefully people mentioned being more social overall. Do things that are interesting to you, that you enjoy doing, and along the way, you'll meet people who share the same interests, and your social circle expands as a result, and before you know it - boom. Dating prospects.

 

It's cliche but you really can't actively look for a quality person. You have to live your life for you and along the way you will meet people that gel with you.

 

That's as natural as it gets.

[CptInsano]

All

Way to insult a lot of men out there, and on this board - especially those who are legitimately trying to use OLD to find love! And what, does your judgement not go both ways? So men who use it are socially awkward, but women who use it are not? I am friends with a girl who met her lover using OLD. She couldn't stop talking about how wonderful this guy was every chance she got, and now they are married and had their first child together. So using your logic, the guy must be pretty lucky that she fell in love with his unattractive socially-awkward butt, and she had no social issues of any sort? Come on now...

 

I think Cookie's statement was a bit of a hyperbole, but there was a lot of truth in it. OLD represents a very specific preselection, and I also cannot believe that somebody would focus on this mode of establishing contact when he or she has many ways of finding somebody. Attractive and social people will simply have a lot of opportunity outside of OLD, and will therefore not tend to spend a lot of effort on it, unless other factors come into play.

 

That doesn't mean that everybody on OLD is ugly, but everybody has a reason for why they are on OLD. Maybe they are just looking for validation, cannot go out easily because they are a single parent, or live in a remote location.

[WaitingForBardot]

FWIW, in my direct experience with my friends/acquaintances that were using OLD, they were just very choosy. (note I said very, not too!). The end result was that they simply had a larger pool of people whom they would reject as unsuitable, while still being unable to find someone they wanted. This is not to say that people need to settle, we want what we want. OTOH, if having a relationship is important to you, you need to treat it as such and do what you need to do, make the necessary adjustments. If something isn't working, try something else.

 

I think some of us just hit the genetic jackpot. Not in looks, nor personality, nor the like, but rather in the variety of people we find desirable. I've been so blessed and it has always made it so much easier to find suitable partners. (note I said easier, not easy!). And, it also means that when we strike out, or are dumped, we know that it's not the end of the world and someone else is likely just around the corner.

[preraph]

I think most people try OLD at one time or another because it's kind of like catalog shopping. They go on there at some point just to see if they have any chance at taking a shot at someone way out of their league. And then that doesn't work and they may lose interest.

 

Before OLD there were people just going to their favorite sites and forums aimed at their favorite pasttimes and interests and meeting people there, and though that can be fraught with disappointments and frauds too, I think focusing in on people likeminded like that is where the potential of online dating lies. But OLD owners report most people are only looking at looks and not really the profiles, and people put up fake profiles trying to get up a level in attraction, so it's gotten skewed.

[SwordofFlame]

Way to insult a lot of men out there, and on this board - especially those who are legitimately trying to use OLD to find love! And what, does your judgement not go both ways? So men who use it are socially awkward, but women who use it are not? I am friends with a girl who met her lover using OLD. She couldn't stop talking about how wonderful this guy was every chance she got, and now they are married and had their first child together. So using your logic, the guy must be pretty lucky that she fell in love with his unattractive socially-awkward butt, and she had no social issues of any sort? Come on now...

 

Do what you gotta do. If you're done with OLD, be done. But you make your reason sound like you believe it is also the case for everyone else. It's not.

 

It's a double standard. It's totally fine for a socially awkward and/or shy woman to want a really outgoing social guy. The reverse is not really common.

[NuevoYorko]

It's a double standard. It's totally fine for a socially awkward and/or shy woman to want a really outgoing social guy. The reverse is not really common.

Really? I haven't seen any issue when a man wants a socially outgoing woman. It's just that it's not usually high on our list, consciously anyway. Whether we are actively seeking it or not, usually the flirty bubbly and open girls get more attention from men than wallflowers.

[WaitingForBardot]

Really? I haven't seen any issue when a man wants a socially outgoing woman. It's just that it's not usually high on our list, consciously anyway. Whether we are actively seeking it or not, usually the flirty bubbly and open girls get more attention from men than wallflowers.

I agree. I'm an introvert, although not shy, and most of my LTRs have been with very extroverted, gregarious women, my wife included.

[bluefeather]

I think Cookie's statement was a bit of a hyperbole...

 

It doesn't seem like she is using hyperbole at all from everything else she has said, but she can speak for herself if she wants to.

 

OLD represents a very specific preselection, and I also cannot believe that somebody would focus on this mode of establishing contact when he or she has many ways of finding somebody.

 

When has people focusing on this mode of establishing contact been part of this topic? By that, I mean, I agree with your above statement, but that is not what this thread was about. It is about using it in general. Unless I read it wrong...

[bluefeather]

It's a double standard. It's totally fine for a socially awkward and/or shy woman to want a really outgoing social guy. The reverse is not really common.

 

Eh.. Well people can think w/e they want. I'm just gonna keep using it until it's not fun anymore

[CptInsano]

[...]

When has people focusing on this mode of establishing contact been part of this topic? By that, I mean, I agree with your above statement, but that is not what this thread was about. It is about using it in general. Unless I read it wrong...

 

Comparisons between OLD and IRL dating have occurred in this thread pretty much since its inception, and I consider it a valid point that both methods may yield different results.

[preraph]

Some people do better via email or texting than others in conveying personality. Some people may seem more interesting in writing (we are all editing, after all). I am one of those people, I think, at least now at my age. But personality has to be conveyed whether IRL or OLD, and there are people you can watch and just see their personality and then there are those so restrained that you can't tell anything, and you don't know if they loosen up after a while or not. I mean, we've all met the guy who keeps a straight face all the time but always has something acerbic or clever to say once you get him talking.

 

Some people are absolute crap at texting and email because they simply aren't good at writing and expressing themselves through writing. It's not often an accurate representation of how they may be in person, where you can see their facial animation and the cute way they smirk or whatever. And, of course, poor literacy is rampant online, so when you see someone who can't spell right, you may think he is really poorly educated, or you may think he just doesn't care enough to check his spelling and use punctuation. Neither is great, but if you're doing it from a smartphone, there's your built-in excuse. But it can certainly give the wrong impression.

 

Worst of all words can be taken so many ways and there's no visual cues to define them. You hate to ask someone to clarify and have to use their thumbs to repeat what they were saying with an explanation. But you need to, or pick up the phone.

 

It's better now that a lot of people are seeing each other when they phone each other. I hope that becomes the norm. I wouldn't want to get attached to someone via text or email without seeing their body and facial language. You can just go SO far wrong making assumptions and using your mind's eye to imagine them how you would like them to be.

[bluefeather]

Comparisons between OLD and IRL dating have occurred in this thread pretty much since its inception, and I consider it a valid point that both methods may yield different results.

 

Okay - not what I was talking about in my post, though! Anyway, it's all good.

[Sweetfish]

I want to pick on cookie so bad because this is exactly what I market here...yet AGAIN met with resistance. Women collectively out-marketing them selves on OLD and saying there are ZERO men that are worth a dime.

 

I remember you saying you had no problem finding decent men and is another thing I market here is.. Woman bypassing all these men and pushing them selves in a cesspool of jaded men as they get older and older...

 

Later you'll see a thread posting up saying why "its soo hard to find a good man after 30."

 

I love seeing these threads because exactly what I mentioned to you in another thread that you rejected... resurrected here in another form.

 

Also... I love these double standards and stereotypes here that NO good looking, attractive or decent guys use OLD... than easily it could be said that no good woman would be caught dead on OLD right?

 

There is no specific location that attractive people hang-out. I highly doubt attractive people only hang-out in waiting rooms or in subways. This is what the OP wanted right..?

 

Attractive men is objective to her as we don't truly know what attractive to her is?

 

I am curious to know what attractive is as everyone here may define attractive differently?

[CptInsano]

[...]

Also... I love these double standards and stereotypes here that NO good looking, attractive or decent guys use OLD... than easily it could be said that no good woman would be caught dead on OLD right? [...]

 

That is essentially correct. OLD has a relatively low barrier of entry and a low initial risk. Its dynamics are not for everyone, and it can and will distort the pool of candidates compared to the overall group of available men or women.

 

Approaching women IRL takes a different type and degree of effort, but allows you to meet women who are unlikely to use OLD. Some people are successful on OLD, others are absolutely not. The latter will not find any decent candidates on OLD.

[Sweetfish]

That is essentially correct. OLD has a relatively low barrier of entry and a low initial risk. Its dynamics are not for everyone, and it can and will distort the pool of candidates compared to the overall group of available men or women.

 

Approaching women IRL takes a different type and degree of effort, but allows you to meet women who are unlikely to use OLD. Some people are successful on OLD, others are absolutely not. The latter will not find any decent candidates on OLD.

 

The problem is OLD has a lot of average people. Men and Women seem not to be happy with average people today.

[Blanco]

The problem is OLD has a lot of average people. Men and Women seem not to be happy with average people today.

 

Which is a shame, because, if I may be candid, it's a lot of average people who find an average partner unacceptable.

[basil67]

The problem is OLD has a lot of average people. Men and Women seem not to be happy with average people today.

 

I agree with you. But I would take it further and say that The WORLD has a lot of average people.

 

If you consider that a 9 or 10 is attractive. And a 1 or 2 is unattractive That leaves everyone in the 3-8 category as being degrees of average. And this probably covers most of us.

 

Also men don't have the advantage of being able to make themselves up to the 9th degree for their profile pics. We women can fake our attractiveness.

[Sweetfish]

I agree with you. But I would take it further and say that The WORLD has a lot of average people.

 

If you consider that a 9 or 10 is attractive. And a 1 or 2 is unattractive That leaves everyone in the 3-8 category as being degrees of average. And this probably covers most of us.

 

Also men don't have the advantage of being able to make themselves up to the 9th degree for their profile pics. We women can fake our attractiveness.

 

Attractive men and attractive women are are not in the same rule book. They just can not be compared apples for apples.

[CptInsano]

The problem is OLD has a lot of average people. Men and Women seem not to be happy with average people today.

 

I agree that OLD has a lot of average people who would not accept an average partner. But I don't believe that this is specific to OLD. What OLD lacks is the feedback loop. Yes, you can contact somebody on OLD who is very good-looking. If you get no response it could be a fake profile, a dormant profile, or a number of reasons. You will not know.

 

IRL you will most likely live among people who are very similar to you, meaning the chances are high that you are in contact with somebody of equal wealth and somewhat similar level of attractiveness. You may never meet that woman who looks like a model IRL because you live in different social circles.

 

You also have an immediate feedback loop, and you see who may be competing with you. This rather rich fabric of social interactions does not exist online, and it is that context that keeps things in perspective IMHO.

[Cookiesandough]

I want to pick on cookie so bad because this is exactly what I market here...yet AGAIN met with resistance. Women collectively out-marketing them selves on OLD and saying there are ZERO men that are worth a dime.

 

I remember you saying you had no problem finding decent men and is another thing I market here is.. Woman bypassing all these men and pushing them selves in a cesspool of jaded men as they get older and older...

 

Later you'll see a thread posting up saying why "its soo hard to find a good man after 30."

 

I love seeing these threads because exactly what I mentioned to you in another thread that you rejected... resurrected here in another form.

 

Also... I love these double standards and stereotypes here that NO good looking, attractive or decent guys use OLD... than easily it could be said that no good woman would be caught dead on OLD right?

 

There is no specific location that attractive people hang-out. I highly doubt attractive people only hang-out in waiting rooms or in subways. This is what the OP wanted right..?

 

Attractive men is objective to her as we don't truly know what attractive to her is?

 

I am curious to know what attractive is as everyone here may define attractive differently?

They are "decent" in that they are nice people...just not my type. As much as I'd love to find someone to fall in love with, personally, I'd be fine being alone for the rest of my life before I settle for "okay" or "decent". I'm just not that thirsty. Maybe if I were desperate to settle down it'd be a different story. Though I want to....

 

And I didn't mean to insult anyone. I just couldn't find anyone for *me* on there. ...I met guys that I saw irl and they asked me for my number online. I wasn't interested in them, though. I think the gender nork difference is something to account for too. Men are socialized to ask any woman they are attracted to out..women are socialized (at least where I'm at) to pick from the guys who ask her out. Some may find her cute/dateable but not worth cold approaching her in the day. Online dating expands her options because guys find it less effort to approach there. But an attractive, social man who doesn't have anxiety with women not being able to ask enough women out irl turning to online dating to find 1 decent girl? Sounds far fetched but I guess it's possible

Edited April 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[curiouslysearching]

They are "decent" in that they are nice people...just not my type. As much as I'd love to find someone to fall in love with, personally, I'd be fine being alone for the rest of my life before I settle for "okay" or "decent". I'm just not that thirsty. Maybe if I were desperate to settle down it'd be a different story. Though I want to....

 

And I didn't mean to insult anyone. I just couldn't find anyone for *me* on there. ...I met guys that I saw irl and they asked me for my number online. I wasn't interested in them, though. I think the gender nork difference is something to account for too. Men are socialized to ask any woman they are attracted to out..women are socialized (at least where I'm at) to pick from the guys who ask her out. Some may find her cute/dateable but not worth cold approaching her in the day. Online dating expands her options because guys find it less effort to approach there. But an attractive, social man who doesn't have anxiety with women not being able to ask enough women out irl turning to online dating to find 1 decent girl? Sounds far fetched but I guess it's possible

 

You didn't insult anyone Cookie. Something tells me you are extremely special, unique and outstanding in a variety of ways.

[Sweetfish]

They are "decent" in that they are nice people...just not my type. As much as I'd love to find someone to fall in love with, personally, I'd be fine being alone for the rest of my life before I settle for "okay" or "decent". I'm just not that thirsty. Maybe if I were desperate to settle down it'd be a different story. Though I want to....

 

And I didn't mean to insult anyone. I just couldn't find anyone for *me* on there. ...I met guys that I saw irl and they asked me for my number online. I wasn't interested in them, though. I think the gender nork difference is something to account for too. Men are socialized to ask any woman they are attracted to out..women are socialized (at least where I'm at) to pick from the guys who ask her out. Some may find her cute/dateable but not worth cold approaching her in the day. Online dating expands her options because guys find it less effort to approach there. But an attractive, social man who doesn't have anxiety with women not being able to ask enough women out irl turning to online dating to find 1 decent girl? Sounds far fetched but I guess it's possible

 

 

This sense of waiting for mister perfect will leave you inexperience in relationships and too independent to not want to integrate with other people because you will be too comfortable. In reality you are saying you want someone better than average and most people are just simply average. The question I ask you is do you consider your self above average... because from your display of other threads... No above average guy will tolerate the behavior you've displayed in the past unless your currently working on that. Its just not going to happen...(maybe) ugly truth? Mean? Maybe.. but its the truth.

 

You've out market your self because you feel your entitled to the best and unless your a perfect 9 or 10 the best may not look for you.. because the best will get younger and hotter women as you age and as you get older you might have to shave these requirements as you see men will be even more imperfect as you get older or you will be older and be a cat lady and for what?

 

Its almost like saying you will not work unless you get the perfect job and the perfect job may never be there...

 

This is the entitlement I've seen many young women have these days.. Specially, since more women are graduating college than men... there is simply not enough above average men to facilitate the average woman and is exactly why men do not get respond backs on OLD...because they are waiting for the golden ticket... the same guys on OLD are the same guys on the bus stops, train stations, or market store. Men are often called shallow...but it is woman with FAR many more stipulations to even think about talking to a guy.

 

But again I am curious to know what kind of guy your attracted to and what you are looking for.. What are your requirements?

[Cookiesandough]

This sense of waiting for mister perfect will leave you inexperience in relationships and too independent to not want to integrate with other people because you will be too comfortable. In reality you are saying you want someone better than average and most people are just simply average. The question I ask you is do you consider your self above average...

Thank you for your insight, Sweetfish. I'm not sure I understand this "average" stuff. What exactly is average? According to who? And average in what? Basket weaving? I guess I don't see people this way. If I like him, he's not average to me.

because from your display of other threads... No above average guy will tolerate the behavior you've displayed in the past unless your currently working on that. Its just not going to happen...(maybe) ugly truth? Mean? Maybe.. but its the truth.

 

Not mean at all. Quite fair. I want someone who will accept me as I am, but I am realistic enough to see I have a lot of work to do on myself.

You've out market your self because you feel your entitled to the best and unless your a perfect 9 or 10 the best may not look for you.. because the best will get younger and hotter women as you age and as you get older you might have to shave these requirements as you see men will be even more imperfect as you get older or you will be older and be a cat lady and for what?

 

I don't think I will have to do any of that. As I said, I want to find a nice guy to share my life with, but I don't need to. If my "requirements" lower as time progresses it will occur for reasons other than desperation. The moment I have to lower my requirements because I'm scared to be alone is the moment I know something is very wrong. I am quite fine with being a "cat lady" if the alternative is being lady with a man who doesn't make her happy and she isn't into.

 

Its almost like saying you will not work unless you get the perfect job and the perfect job may never be there...

Frankly, sweetfish, I don't find it comparable. Not having a job is nothing like not having a bf, for me at least

 

This is the entitlement I've seen many young women have these days.. Specially, since more women are graduating college than men... there is simply not enough above average men to facilitate the average woman and is exactly why men do not get respond backs on OLD...because they are waiting for the golden ticket... the same guys on OLD are the same guys on the bus stops, train stations, or market store. Men are often called shallow...but it is woman with FAR many more stipulations to even think about talking to a guy.

 

But again I am curious to know what kind of guy your attracted to and what you are looking for.. What are your requirements?

 

I'm curious to know what you think an "above average" man is. It would be much easier dispel this notion you have that I want this archetypical "perfect man" than it would be to explain what I'm attracted to since attraction is a very intricate and inexplicable thing, oftentimes.

[Cookiesandough]

You didn't insult anyone Cookie. Something tells me you are extremely special, unique and outstanding in a variety of ways.

 

 

Thank you. I had s hard day and this made me smile. You are such a kind person. An asset to loveshack

[curiouslysearching]

Thank you. I had s hard day and this made me smile. You are such a kind person. An asset to loveshack

 

You are an angel Cookie. I hope your tomorrow is much better

You deserve it