Break up is tearing me up inside!

[CC1985]

Thanks guys, I know you're all spot on and I have acted like a fool and chased something that may have been then at the start (in terms of a slim hope) but have annoyed the h*** out of her...it was just the denial and emotion overruling a normally sensible mind and I think the more hurt she threw my way, the more I pestered trying to almost make her feel bad for the words.

I am sticking rigidly to no contact now and will see where that takes us in 3 or 4 weeks, without clinging onto any false hope.

I would say though that my ex is the sort of girl who tells it as it is, so the easiest thing for her to tell me would be that there was someone else or that she didn't even need any more time. She was single for well over a year before meeting me ad I am the only man she has introduced to her daughter since she split with her daughter's father 3 years ago. She keeps saying "why can't I get in into my head that she doesn't need anyone and is happiest being on her own" which is similar to how her Mum has lived for the best part of 20 years.

I appreciate that she has nowhere to go at present, but am still sure that she would've moved ALL her stuff from mine by now if she was never coming back or contemplating it. Even if that meant storage, I don't understand why she would wait around. That isn't me being in denial, it's more the fact that she is a stubborn, head strong type who wouldn't hang about.

I also think of my ex ex (undiagnosed bpd) exactly a year ago and when I looked back on the emails and texts from then the exact same pattern followed and the emails were nasty up to the point that I left her for 2 or 3 weeks and then as soon as I met my current ex she started chasing me. I am trying to move forward now, obviously not looking to meet anyone but just chatting to other women and realise there is a whole world out there.

I just still have a gut instinct that this situation has a few more twists and turns before anything is set in stone. The reason I'm handling it badly it because I have never been alone, not since I was a 15 year old and simply am not used to it, whereas my ex lived an on / off relationship with her ex and actually rented several places on her own whilst still with him.

I guess only time will tell now, and will gradually heal me regardless...

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to learn to be okay on your own, OP. Otherwise, this pattern will repeat itself in future relationships and you will find yourself in exactly the same position.

[Chi townD]

The reason I'm handling it badly it because I have never been alone, not since I was a 15 year old and simply am not used to it, whereas my ex lived an on / off relationship with her ex and actually rented several places on her own whilst still with him.

I guess only time will tell now, and will gradually heal me regardless...

 

 

Then, perhaps this is the best reason to be alone at the moment. It's okay to be alone and work on yourself. We are in charge of our own happiness. And our lives are our own and we CHOOSE who we share our lives with. Time for you to discover who YOU are and what YOU want out of life as an individual.

[Blanco]

I am sticking rigidly to no contact now and will see where that takes us in 3 or 4 weeks, without clinging onto any false hope.

 

This is already the wrong line of thinking. You need to be looking at this NC not as something that endure for a few weeks before testing the waters with her again, but rather, as the start of a new phase in your life. I can almost promise you that she will not be any more open to reconciliation a month from now.

 

I would say though that my ex is the sort of girl who tells it as it is, so the easiest thing for her to tell me would be that there was someone else or that she didn't even need any more time.

 

I already noted why she did this. She was trying to soften the blow and disengage quietly. I suspect she had an idea how you'd react if she was clear that it was done for good (hint: it's how you've reacted since you claimed you were going NC almost a month ago).

 

She keeps saying "why can't I get in into my head that she doesn't need anyone and is happiest being on her own" which is similar to how her Mum has lived for the best part of 20 years.

 

Well, why can't you? Just because you aren't able to be alone doesn't mean she feels that way. I can relate more to her than I can to you in that respect, and I find it borderline insulting when people seem to look down on you because you choose to be "alone" rather than in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling you.

 

The reason I'm handling it badly it because I have never been alone, not since I was a 15 year old and simply am not used to it, whereas my ex lived an on / off relationship with her ex and actually rented several places on her own whilst still with him.

 

Then get used to it. It's not an excuse for behaving like a borderline stalker. The fact that you realize being "alone" fills you with anxiety shows that you know you have bigger fish to fry and that this relationship would not have succeeded under current conditions, anyway.

[Impfinity]

I'm going through the same thing.

 

I initiated the break up because she chose her male friends over me, she had feelings for another guy, and she would let every guy hit on her.

 

So, it'll get better just keep yourself busy, I'm hitting the gym more, I call my friends instead, and I also I'm self defense instructor so that also helps keep my mind busy and talking to all your female friends also helps!

[springy]

I hope you are using your therapist to actually work on your issues, rather than go on about your ex. I think 3-4 weeks is no where near the time you need to work on yourself. This is going to take months, maybe even years. There is no indication in this thread that you have made any progress, and frankly if I had an ex who did what you've done I would be legit afraid concerning your behavior.

 

Please work on taking the focus off of your ex and on to resolving your issues. This has got to be mentally anguishing for you.

[Maldives]

That furniture thing dude cld be a case of just logistics doestrogen she have somehere to store it like her mum's? Or maybe she doesn't wanna inconvenience her. I wouldn't read into it too much I mean we don't really know the reason for her leaving the furniture for the time being.

 

Reminds me of my ex wife she still had my surname on fb wen she filed for divorce and even shortly after had it on there but in the end it meant nothing she never came back but I did what u did and held out for hope. It's ok dude just let go at ur own pace sometimes were not ready to accept it's over but will over time and we do it in bite chunks.

 

Even the most recent ex still and photos of us up on fb i think she's started deleting them. But it does make u hold out for something but overall I don't think it means anything.hundreds of photos on fb takes forever to delete and it cld be as simple as that or she doesn't want people to know all i kno is if they wanted to be wth u they wouldn't break it off woman generally don't break up unless they really mean it.

 

It is confusing and it cld well be she's leaving a slight door open. From her words and statements to u I'd take her at her word it's not looking positive at the moment. Me and u have to swallow a hard pill. Having said that chasing will repel moving on will either attract her or heal u either way u win ?

[CC1985]

Just a bit of an update and to answer a few of the posts above...

 

I have continued working with my therapist and am fully aware of what I said and did to push my ex away but he agrees that some of the triggers (for example refusing to block out a bloke who continually tried to contact her lusting after her) was completely natural to fuel my already insecure mind regarding trust. He also said that my ex's behaviour and past (there are several issues and tbings she's said are signs that she has issues herself).

 

So, 2 weeks ago I rang her and apologised for my part in saying some harsh things and asked if we could have 3 or 4 weeks no contact.

She agreed to it and said she hadn't got any interest in moving on and hadn't even spoken to another man. She said she was 95% sure she wasn't coming back but would go into the space apart with an open mind. She was still really angry and hung up on me in the end. All her and her daughter's stuff are still in the house other than the essentials and she hasn't been back at all. I know she is living at her mum's so wonder if that's more due to space.

 

Although I have stuck to no contact for 2 weeks Now, my sister spoke to her via message earlier this week and asked how things were (not on my behalf but as theyd kept in contact) and my ex said she hadn't spoken to me and "Really didn't know whether We'd sort things out but it would be between me and her to discuss"

 

Even though it's 7 weeks, I still miss her badly and cling onto the hope in what she has said about not moving on, about not knowing whether we will sort things. I really want to reach out to her but know I should wait.

Any advice or thoughts on whether she may come back would be great as it really isn't getting any easier. I just feel that I have received help for my insecurities and have a much clearer mind, and can prove to her that I am the man she fell for and we have everything in place with our house to move forward but I'm just not getting the chance. I have concentrated on trying to move forward even speaking to other girls but right now I'm still clinging to that slim hope that she still hasn't cut all ties or requested the solicitor agreement over our house.

[Maldives]

Hey dude

 

Hope ur well i know ur proyally not but not but hang in there

 

She mentioned 95% probability she's not coming back that's painful to hear i know but take her at her word meaning looks unlikely. If she'd said 50 percent then it cld go either way. So we only have her word to go by I'd take her at her word.

 

We know u chasing hasn't worked however sometimes that can but it doesn't appear to in this case. So what to do? Do something that'll help u heal. Maybe break it up wth something that is for u like go for a massage or a holiday overseas so u give ureself a bit of a break from time to time.

 

It sux I know. I still don't think it's a good enough reason to leave someone over if u really loved them. She certainly hasn't really given it a try which makes one think wheres her heart at. I know We all on here sound like know it alls and the truth is we don't.

 

Do something for ureself tho to give ureself a well warned break from always thinking about it. Until at least it starts to get a little bit easier being without her first now.

 

Sending u lots of love and big man hug dude. Try and catch up wth a lot o old friends as well to help wth the feeling of loss

[lolablue17]

The only way she might want to be with you, is if she appreciate you, admire you, attracted to you, ect... What you're doing is not attractive, not sexy, and not appreciable. BE A MAN!

 

1. Stop contacting her at all. If she contacts you, don't answer!

2. Never initiate anything. If it's a financial issue, reply only after 2-3 days with short practical text.

3. Generally don't cooperate with anything. Agree only to things that helps you financially, that are your interest only. Why would you hurry? just because she says so? Who cares?

4. If you've forgotten till now - Don't talk or text her! NEVER! Don't reply, and if it's financial - reply after a long long time, each time.

 

Now... I've read this thread carefully. It's 50% that your knowledge of the situation is accurate. But it's also 50% that you know nothing, here's a thought:

 

She had many chances to help you being more secure. It could have been easy for her. She could have said to these guys that she is taken and loves her Bf. She could have been more transparent by sharing more things with you. But no... She chose to increase the conflict and made no efforts to make the man she loves (At least she suppose to love) happy.

 

She may have messaged other guys constantly, and her way to get away with it was to blame you for being insecure. Remember, at least in one occasion she lied to you about this guy. It is very likely that she felt guilty when things had progressed with another guy (Yes, she may have cheated), and left you because she understood she can't continue with the lies.

 

She preferred to blame you, rather than admit the truth. So all this drama could have happened not because you're insecure, but because something else.

 

Why do I think it's a possibility with high a chance? Because of the lie, because you don't leave someone you just bought a house with, only because he has some suspicions , while you can easily refute them. Because she changed her mind and contradicted herself many times, typical for people with guilt, or for liars who are not so good with lies. Because I've heard sssssoooooo many stories about cheaters who blamed their partner for being insecure, as a way to cover their actions.

 

Disappear. Ghost her. Be a man.

Edited May 5, 2017 by lolablue17

[CC1985]

Thanks guys, really appreciate the support and advice....with regards to the possibility of my ex texting other men I really don't know. I mean, she was single for well over a year before meeting me and said herself she was happy being alone and used to ignore any make attention. I never saw any evidence that she texted any of these blokes back and hold my hands up that my insecurities led me to suggest to her that I didn't trust her but then like you say there was no reason she couldn't simply tell this guy where to go and block him to keep the man she loves happy.

With regards to the 95% chance she won't change her mind, this was said 2 weeks ago after I had pestered her for 4 weeks and we'd both said some hurtful things so I would hope that as there has been a couple of weeks elapse she may mellow. I'm also encouraged by her remark to my sister where my sister simply asked on her own accord "hey, how's things? Are you 2 going to sort things?" And the reply was "I haven't spoken to your brother and I really don't know but it will be for us to discuss between the 2 of us". Whereas 2 or 3 weeks ago my ex was quite hostile towards my sister so there's been a change in that sense.

I have a couple of mates who split with their gfs for 2 or 3 months and things looked pretty hopeless but it was only after they backed right off and like you say disappear for 4 or 5 weeks that their gfs started wondering and they eventually got back together and were stronger than ever.

For now as much as I want to reach out, I have lasted 2 weeks nc and I know I must go another week or 2 and maybe, just maybe my ex will contact me. I have started trying to chat to other girls without the intention of doing too much yet but it has helped me slightly in taking my mind off things with my ex and wondering what she's doing etc. Man, it's been a hard 7 weeks but I'm still clinging onto hope that not enough has happened for this not to be fixable and my ex's vow that she wouldn't move on in the 3 or 4 weeks space and the fact she hasn't requested any resolution over the house or getting her stuff suggests maybe the jury is still out.

[Blanco]

Still grasping for straws. What she told your sister was a polite way of saying it isn't any of her business.

[ExpatInItaly]

Still grasping for straws. What she told your sister was a polite way of saying it isn't any of her business.

 

That's exactly how I interpreted that, too.

 

Your sister needs to stay out of it, OP. Go real No Contact, including through family.

[CC1985]

I hear what you're saying guys and I really do appreciate your support...its just my ex has never held back to date and has been very open and hostile towards my sister about me but this time after 2 weeks she seems to have mellowed.

We agreed to 3 weeks no contact and she said she would not do anything hasty and would keep an open mind. I was apologetic over not giving her the space and she was adamant she hadn't even thought about moving on.

She's quite stubborn and also doesn't hang around if she's dead sure on something (hence the declaring her love for me and wanting everything with me early on). That is why I still have a glimmer of hope that she's still needing space as she hasn't simply cut all ties which she could if she wanted to.

So next Friday when the agreed 3 weeks space is up what is my best option, to wait for her to make contact even if it ends up being an extra week or so or should I suggest we meet up and demand an answer so that we either give it a go or cut our ties and move her stuff out with an agreement from the solicitor over our house. I know I hindered my chances initially by pestering her but surely as time elapses without me contacting her she may start to miss being a family in her new home.

[la74219]

I can definitely sympathize with you because I am going through the same thing. Constant back and forth the past few months. It's even worse because she gave me false hope for a lot of that time. But hear me out..after a huge argument with her yesterday, I've decided I have to stop playing the victim in this. I only have myself to blame for allowing it to go on this long. What she does or says to me..good, bad, or indifferent is simply a result of what I allow. Will they ever try talking to us again? I don't know. No one knows. They don't even know. No one can predict the future, but it doesn't matter. What matters is healing yourself, and no one can help you with that but yourself. If you allow it, this situation will destroy you. Let it go, and just let life happen. You need to get control back of your life. It's not easy, but you're not alone...trust me. Make today the first day you start getting your life back together.

[Blanco]

We agreed to 3 weeks no contact and she said she would not do anything hasty and would keep an open mind. I was apologetic over not giving her the space and she was adamant she hadn't even thought about moving on.

She's quite stubborn and also doesn't hang around if she's dead sure on something (hence the declaring her love for me and wanting everything with me early on). That is why I still have a glimmer of hope that she's still needing space as she hasn't simply cut all ties which she could if she wanted to.

So next Friday when the agreed 3 weeks space is up what is my best option, to wait for her to make contact even if it ends up being an extra week or so or should I suggest we meet up and demand an answer so that we either give it a go or cut our ties and move her stuff out with an agreement from the solicitor over our house. I know I hindered my chances initially by pestering her but surely as time elapses without me contacting her she may start to miss being a family in her new home.

 

I think you have viewed this arbitrary 4 weeks of NC as a cool-down period intended to make her realize she's made a mistake. I think what's likely happened here is that she's agreed to this time apart as a courtesy to you. She probably knows what her answer is, and it's unlikely that it's any different than what it was before. She has already made up her mind and is trying to disengage as softly as possible because she has gotten a hint of how you may respond to a definitive dumping.

 

You can reach out to her at that time, but you really need to start bracing yourself for what's likely going to happen: She's going to confirm that she is done with the relationship.

[FailedFirstLove]

I understand how you are feeling. You seem like a naturally anxious person like I am. Tend to over think everything making it worse to stay calm and no contact. My ex has a lot going on at the moment, and I highly doubt he is spending as much time thinking about me as I am of him. This could be what your ex is also going through.

 

It's very hard for some people to cope with that. Especially when you have an ex in your face asking for another chance when all she wants to do is be on her own.

You keep repeating the same things she has said to you/ your sister et. People change. They say things they know will yield the result they want.

In this case her goal is for you to back off.

It does not matter that she was single for a year before you. A year isn't that long to be single for in my opinion.

 

And you seem to have a lot more issues if you cannot be alone. If you feel the need to "talk" to another women just because you feel lonely and you don't have her then you need help. You're not working on yourself and your insecurities by doing that. Working on yourself means exactly that. On YOURSELF.

 

I know the pain you are in, but you are not trying to help yourself at all.

I went for hikes with my friends and met new people. I spend time with my friends and I work on my career. I dont go talking to other guys just because I'm lonely. You need to be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy.

[CC1985]

Well, after almost 2 months, things are finally done and dusted and my break up confirmed (see link for the full details)...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/619654-break-up-tearing-me-up-inside

 

 

2 weeks into the agreed 3 week period of contact, I got wind that my ex was moving on with her life, partying and decided I'd had enough of being kept dangling. she had been telling me blunt that things were over and it was only family and friends she was saying she was open minded. I sent an email at the 2 week (7 weeks after she walked out) and asked how she was doing and whether she was planning on coming back and she straight away responded saying she wouldn't be coming back and would arrange to collect her things from the house we shared.

 

 

For the first time since the split I replied to say I accepted it and wanted to move on with my own life. This is where things turned and the tone changed completely. My ex read this as me having another girl lined up, so suddenly started quizzing about my previous ex (and mother of my son who did want to get me back for a while). My ex said that, despite always agreeing to sign over the house (as it was solely my finances that bought it) she would try to make me lose it as she didn't want her name on a mortgage for a house where I could act flash and "woo new women with". Her opinion was she had walked off and had nothing, so why should I gain out of it.

I played a careful game and played down any talk of moving on and having spoken to my solicitor she has very little ground to go on as she walked away and I have been paying all financial commitments solely, unless she spends a fortune on taking me to court. I think she realised that after getting legal advice herself and suddenly agreed to let me have everything.

At the end of last week there was still an angry email exchange going on where I questioned her ability to ever settle or work things out and she admitted that she had been seeing a guy for 2 weeks who she'd known since being a teenager. she claimed he "knew her better" and they got on better than we ever did, so maybe she would finally settle. Instead of biting and being jealous (which I think she thought I would) I wished her the best and suggested she got her stuff asap so we could cut all ties with other.

She came and got her stuff on Saturday and even questioned why there were 2 different cars on our driveway (one a neighbour and one mine that I only got last week). When I asked why she was so bothered (as I know she was thinking it may be a new girl's) she said she didn't actually care.

I am of the opinion that the comment about the other guy may actually be false as it only came after I finally stopped begging and pleading and "accepted the breakup". I think maybe she thought by telling me she was moving on, she'd get me back on the pull string and have the control over me again. I truly believe she felt she could leave things dangling for several months and then come running back to a beautiful house when she realised that she missed being a family etc. I felt 2 months was long enough to be kept dangling so forced her to finally confirm her decision and take action.

 

 

It's still hard, and I can't do too much whilst waiting for the agreement to be produced by solicitors but I have started talking to other girls and trying to look forward. I have done a lot of work with therapy and done a lot of thinking and talking and although not in any rush to move on into a serious relationship, each day gets easier and i'd just like to thank everyone who has given their advice and support over the past couple of months.

Edited May 15, 2017 by CC1985

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, believe me when I say this is the best outcome for you. You can really proceed with detaching and healing now that her belongings are gone and you have confirmation from her that she's not planning to reconcile.

 

Take this time to learn to be strong on your own. Keep working on you so that you can be the best version of yourself for a happier future relationship.