Ex Has Come Back To Me - Some Thoughts for Everyone Here

[hunk]

So for those of you who didn't see my older thread, my ex of 3 years dumped me ~3 months ago. She essentially said she didn't feel like she was a priority in my life, that she was beginning to resent me because of the way I treated her and that I wasn't the "sort of boyfriend" she wants (admittedly I wasn't very invested in the relationship, however I loved her and we were a ridiculously good match, i'm just not a "doting" relationship sort of person and could not give her the sort of relationship she was after (serious progression/commitment). I took her for granted and just couldn't be bothered trying to maintain the relationship in any way and was just sort of there for the fun and convenience. That being said, we had a stupid amount of fun together.

 

We had a big fight one morning culminating in us both deciding to end the relationship and I walked out. We had complete no contact for a week and then she called me to "confirm" we were broken up, and started spouting off all the things i'd done to hurt her and how "maybe one day I would make a good boyfriend". I told her that was fine, that I loved her and wished her well.

 

We've had complete, stone cold NC since that phone call. Absolutely nothing, no text, no snapchat, no FB, nothing. I have not looked at her social media once, for all I know she could be pregnant and married living in Botswana. We've been complete ghosts to eachother. I've devoted every waking hour to my business, to fitness and to my hobbies. For the first couple of weeks I felt terrible. This started to lift away and I've been feeling excellent.

 

This morning I was sitting down eating cereal in front of the TV in my underwear and she messaged me. I had to double take and look at my phone because I was absolutely convinced I would never hear from her again. I actually chuckled to myself. Her message said "I just want to tell you I miss you". I left it for a while, and then responded "Come over tomorrow night. bring wine and wear that yellow dress, i'm making pizza", to which she simply responded "Ok."

 

I am not going to re-enter into a relationship with her and will tell her this if it comes up. I can't give her a proper relationship and am not in the stage of my life to be able to give any woman a committed relationship, but I would like to see her and I've healed to the point of being completely outcome independent, and have mentally detached her from a relationship context. She is just someone I get along with ridiculously well, I am just not willing to sacrifice my lifestyle at the moment.

 

I guess this is just for those of you who are struggling with NC. The reality is, no contact will yield one of two results - they will come back, or you will completely and totally move on.

 

Both of these results will only happen if you completely disappear from eachother's lives. You have to be ghosts, you must mourn your ex as someone who has died and accept they are gone and accept you have no bearing on their decision to reach out to you again. It has to come from them.

 

If your relationship was a good one and you were a fun, strong and unique impression on their life's timeline, they will remember and miss you and they will reach out. They will ONLY reach out when you are done, finished, over it and happy again. I know we say this over and over like it's some sort of superstition, but it's the bizarre truth. They will only reach out when they can feel you've let go.

 

In my experience every ex that has dumped me has reached out at this same ~2-3 month mark, just as i've got over the breakup totally.

 

People here preach that your ex must explicitly mention getting back together or it's just breadcrumbs. This is not true. My exes all "breadcrumbed" me after stone cold NC, and these breadcrumbs all led to me seeing these messages for what they were, cutting the BS small talk, escalating, inviting them over and either sleeping together or restarting our relationship.

 

Your ex is contacting you for a reason, and they're a human being, not a robot who's unafraid of completely and spontaneously laying out their heartfelt emotions to someone they haven't spoken to in months. They are testing to see if you are still emotionally crippled and weak - that's what "breadcrumbs" are.

 

When you respond to an ex who's contacted you out of the blue in a calculated, cold, negative tone, or an overly emotional, friendly and needy tone, they will disappear as quickly as they've arrived because they sense you're still broken and it's repulsive. They don't want to be reminded of neediness or how they hurt you. It is fundamentally disgusting and will give your ex the closure they need, knowing that they are not in fact missing out on something good. This is why they message and then disappear. If your ex is reaching out to you they are trusting you are over the pain and in a position to court them again. If they disappear after contact, it's because you're conveying that you're in fact NOT over the pain.

 

Anyway. I am not trying to give you false hope. Alot of our exes will never come back and you will never hear from them again. But, the reality is, the majority of them do come back in some form or another if your relationship was a positive moment in their lives. Stay NC. Do not look at social media, don't text, don't do anything. Your exes are all dead and all of you are going to be fine.

Edited April 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Hmm its the 4th month since my ex dumped me... Nearing on 2 Months NC and I was very cold towards him the last time we spoke. I think hes done. He keep offending me with the 'lets be friends' line.

 

Good for you that she came back though, happy for you.

[hunk]

Hmm its the 4th month since my ex dumped me... Nearing on 2 Months NC and I was very cold towards him the last time we spoke. I think hes done. He keep offending me with the 'lets be friends' line.

 

Good for you that she came back though, happy for you.

 

 

The reason exes don't come back or seem "done" is because they're completely content and happy with the way the relationship ended and the dynamic it ended on. As in, when you're cold, needy, in constant contact, unsure, emotional, this all gives your ex confidence in knowing they've made the right decision. They cannot be attracted to you in this state and this is comforting to them. All of this is very easy. We act like exes are aliens, weird entities we're not sure how to interact with. They're just people. Their feelings change like ours do. Space and time resets attraction and that's all that ultimately matters in a relationship, it's the foundation on which every other building block is laid. It's up to you to be comfortable with that and understand it. The reason why exes don't seem to come back to otherwise very positive, fun relationships is because most people handle breakups horrifically.

 

Of all my girlfriends, the only one that hasn't come back wanting a relationship (she still came back snooping around though) was the one in which i kept in contact with and poured my heart out to after the breakup.

 

Go figure

[Altair0770]

Wow. I remember your post from about a month ago and I'm kind of surprised. I thought for sure you guys were done.

 

I myself am nearing the finale of being stuck in this relationship mindwarp. I'm starting to talk to other girls, getting out more, looking good, and living my life happily without thinking of my ex. This weekend was one of the best I've had.

 

Good luck, but if you have no intent on a relationship, are you planning on sleeping with her? If she's looking to reconcile I don't think it's a good idea to hurt her like that, but you seem to know what you're doing.

 

Nearing 2 months for me of being a ghost and my ex being a ghost too. I hope she doesn't contact me personally. I'd rather find someone that cares.

[jamili]

My exes all "breadcrumbed" me after stone cold NC, and these breadcrumbs all led to me seeing these messages for what they were, cutting the BS small talk, escalating, inviting them over and either sleeping together or restarting our relationship.

 

Your ex is contacting you for a reason, and they're a human being, not a robot who's unafraid of completely and spontaneously laying out their heartfelt emotions to someone they haven't spoken to in months. They are testing to see if you are still emotionally crippled and weak - that's what "breadcrumbs" are.

 

When you respond to an ex who's contacted you out of the blue in a calculated, cold, negative tone, or an overly emotional, friendly and needy tone, they will disappear as quickly as they've arrived because they sense you're still broken and it's repulsive. They don't want to be reminded of neediness or how they hurt you. It is fundamentally disgusting and will give your ex the closure they need, knowing that they are not in fact missing out on something good. This is why they message and then disappear. If your ex is reaching out to you they are trusting you are over the pain and in a position to court them again. If they disappear after contact, it's because you're conveying that you're in fact NOT over the pain.

 

Anyway. I am not trying to give you false hope. Alot of our exes will never come back and you will never hear from them again. But, the reality is, the majority of them do come back in some form or another if your relationship was a positive moment in their lives. Stay NC. Do not look at social media, don't text, don't do anything. Your exes are all dead and all of you are going to be fine.

 

I tried a similar approach... my ex was breadcrumbing me, and i eventually told her im not interested in small talk, and if there is meaning behind her contact to tell me, otherwise to please stop contacting me. She immediately disappeared. I wasnt emotional - i worded it in a firm manner, but was polite. So, cutting the BS doesnt always work.

 

In my situation, my ex accused me of lying and said some really horrible things about my integrity as a person... all of which she fabricated in her mind. She then demanded we never communciate again, to which i agreed. So her reaching out, without apologizing at all for her behavior, was very improper IMO. You dont just act all friendly after that, without apologizing. Additionally mine broke up because she accused me of having contact with my previous ex after that breakup, for "too long" after that breakup. She considers ANY communication with an ex to be sacrilege. Mind you, this was still all a year before we had even met. Also, i didnt have any unecessary contact with that ex, she was wrong about that and her accusations were pure insecure paranoia. This made her reaching out extra confusing to me, and suspect. I also never got any "i miss yous" or anything personal like that. Mostly random questions about my job, and other questions very clearly designed to ellicit a response from me.

 

What about the times they are seeking an ego boost? Or times they sre baiting a response to see if you still "want them" so they can ease their guilt of dumping you? Or testing if you will still keep in contact like a good little puppy?

 

Also, if you replied to the messages, then how could that be stone cold NC? Isnt real NC ignoring all their messages?

Edited April 3, 2017 by jamili

[Sweetfish]

Your ex is contacting you for a reason, and they're a human being, not a robot who's unafraid of completely and spontaneously laying out their heartfelt emotions to someone they haven't spoken to in months. They are testing to see if you are still emotionally crippled and weak - that's what "breadcrumbs" are.

 

When you respond to an ex who's contacted you out of the blue in a calculated, cold, negative tone, or an overly emotional, friendly and needy tone, they will disappear as quickly as they've arrived because they sense you're still broken and it's repulsive. They don't want to be reminded of neediness or how they hurt you. It is fundamentally disgusting and will give your ex the closure they need, knowing that they are not in fact missing out on something good. This is why they message and then disappear. If your ex is reaching out to you they are trusting you are over the pain and in a position to court them again. If they disappear after contact, it's because you're conveying that you're in fact NOT over the pain.

.

 

 

 

WAIT WHAT?

 

Court them... are you serious? You are suppose to be in a position to court them? This is by far the most insane statement I've read to date.

 

 

I agree with many things you said in your post except your ending paragraph ... You too are a human being and no one has the right to waltz back into your life like nothing happen. That in its self is repulsive and disgusting. If someone disappears out of your life and want to a play "test" to see how you feel or just want to feel nostalgic you ignore them. They should be adult enough to talk to you face to face and say why they are engaging with you (what are your intentions). At that point you decide what you want to do.. not them. Ball is now in your court.

 

 

 

Maybe, you're in it for the quick lay or maybe you want to play the "Alpha role" but many decent and pretty healthy relationship do not fail because of needy behavior... Did your break-up derive from needy behavior? I mean for 3 years were you needy? Look, any woman that leaves you because you were a gentlemen, kind, and so-on do not change that if your looking for long term relationships...maybe the young girls like it...but you will be in a world of hurt later on in your life if you fall for this game.. You girl is texting you back because everything out there is crap or she hasn't found a good replacement.

 

You are not a robot and should not expect to shut down your feelings when they come along... you heal at your pace and do it in a way that works for you with progress. X months out you might not be heal and you do whats best for you.

 

Btw... what cereal were you eating?

Edited April 3, 2017 by Sweetfish

[newheart]

Her message said "I just want to tell you I miss you". I left it for a while, and then responded "Come over tomorrow night. bring wine and wear that yellow dress, i'm making pizza", to which she simply responded "Ok."

 

Hunk, I have to be honest (and disclaimer: I don't know your breakup story) but I kind of feel like this is leading her on by your response. Maybe it is just me, but if I reached out to my ex to tell them I missed them and they told me to bring wine and wear a dress, I am going to assume there is some reciprocity in those feelings and that there is a chance of reconciliation. You went on to state that you aren't looking for that with her, though, and you will let her know if it comes up, so why do this to lead her on at all?

 

And I think you understand that about her because you later wrote:

 

If your ex is reaching out to you they are trusting you are over the pain and in a position to court them again.

 

So, if you feel she is doing this because she thinks you are "in a position to court her again", yet you have no interest in doing so, why did you send her that message to have dinner with her?

 

Maybe I am projecting because I am in a vulnerable place right now, but I can't help but feel like that was a little mean.

[jamili]

Another issue I have with this approach, is what about the poor communication? How can this relationship work without communication? Thats likely how a lot of relationships break up in the first place (poor communication), so how can rewarding that ****ty level of communication.

 

The dumper obviously had the bold strength to pull the trigger on the relationship when they did it. The dumpee had probably already sacrificed his own pride and dignity by getting vulnerable upon being dumped, and probably already gave it their all to try to work it out, etc. Why is it, again, STILL the dumpees responsibility to court the dumper, make a move, become vulnerable again? I think its the dumpers responsibility to do whatever it takes to convey the meaning behind the reach out, and make it VERY clear. They are not robots and arent going to risk their emotions and lay it on the line? Do you really want to be with someone who cant risk their emotions by apologizing and coming clean with someone they dumped on impulse? Where is the responsibility and maturity in that?

 

In my case, my ex ejected me out of her life based on a whim, called me a lying snake, disrespected me and insulted my character as a person. Then, silence for months and suddenly an ambiguous reach out and Im supposed to be cheerful and start courting them so they can be interested in returning to a "fun" relationship? Lol, man, i cant see how that would be a good idea. What kind of self respect would we have if we entertain communication with someone who trashes you as a person, and then expects to just reinitiate contact out of the blue, without as much as a "Im sorry, i misjudged you and said some things about you that werent true."? I dont think it portrays a lot of self respect and independence to just start courting a person again after that.

 

If someone broke the relationship, and they later realize they miss you or the ****ed up, they should be upfront and CLEAR with you, like an adult! How could you EVER trust someone to be in a relationship if they cant be clear with you, or if they would rather lose you forever than become a little vulnerable and risk their pride?

 

Dont you think its entering into "doormat" territory to even entertain a dumper's ambiguous communiication/breadcrumbs at all? Isn't that sacrificing your self respect and love for your own self? Arent you giving them the green light to walk all over you, trash you, kick you to the curb anytime they want... which is fine because even after months of ignoring you, you will be right there to court her again if she changes her mind? If anything, i would feel this is very weak on the dumpee's part, and that level of self-disrespect and weakness is surely more repulsive and unattractive than an assertive demand for clarity, or better yet ignoring the breadcrumbs completely until they grow up into a mature, reasonable adult and communicate clearly.

[Bromeo]

Well, everyone handles things differently. Hunks way works for him, however his advice should not be construed as gospel.

 

I'm 38. Some of hunks original manifesto is congruent with established advice, but in my case, I told mine to kick rocks. Lol

[whatdeww18]

I would have to concur with Bromeo, as each situation is nuanced and readers should take words that align with their thoughts.

 

I read your previous thread, and she dumped you for taking her for granted in various forms (which is also stated in your first paragraph). This is the same ex whom you would ignore calls for a few days during the relationship? I think the thoughts you had after the break up and your current emotions sound more like that of a dumper, personally.

 

Possibly, this is why you believe taking your ex's feelings into account and trying to court her is the route to take?

 

I think the self-reflection and realization that you are not in a place to be in a committed relationship is great. If so, you should not be trying to sleep with her without defining some clear intentions as you have no room for a relationship.

 

Agree with Sweetfish's post above in situations where, if dumped, you did not take your ex for granted to such an extent, cheated, abused, or neglected him/her. If you did, that was your fault. You're going to have to do the work to not do that again or define intentions if you're not willing to commit to a LTR.

Edited April 3, 2017 by whatdeww18

[hunk]

For those of you confused about why I would say it's the dumpee's responsibility to court the dumper, this is why.

 

We were dumped because our ex was no longer sufficiently attracted to us. This is the ultimate reason. Our behavior shifted from how it was when we met, which was usually carefree and fun, to usually needy and co-dependent. When someone dumps you it's a result of your behavior - you're doing something that is turning your partner off you to the point they no longer want to be romantically involved with you. "GIGS" etc is just shifting the blame of the consequences of your behavior onto your partner. It may not even be a conscious behavior on your half - but your partner has sensed it.

 

After they've dumped you, if there was strong enough attraction, a strong balanced dynamic and your dumper did at some point think the absolute world of you, the initial image of you will return to them and they will reach out to see if you're "fixed", so to speak. To see if you're back to being the person you were when you started dating, to see if they're missing out or if you will confirm their underlying notion that you're still pining and weak.

 

When someone leaves you it's because their entire being is screaming at them to do it. They physically cannot be in a relationship with you even if they wished they could, because your behavior is turning them off you to the extent it overrides any sort of logical processing of you guys being an otherwise compatible couple. They just have to get away from you.

 

I should also clarify this advice is more aimed at men. If you want your ex back you have to understand you are going to need to be the man again, because if your ex comes back to you and feels like you're weak, passive and hurt and that she is the one who needs to re-initiate everything etc she just won't do it, as this instantly gives her the same feeling she had during the relationship which spurred her to end it in the first place. No woman will do it. That's why stories of real reconciliation seem so rare - the woman comes back snooping, checking if the guy is still hurt (he is), she gets her confirmation that he's still hung up on her and therefore not relationship material and she disappears again. Yes, it shouldn't be this way. Our ex should come back, taking all responsibility, crying and begging for us back and telling us how much they love us. This does not happen. This isn't human beings. We're still animals and unfortunately there are rules based on biological truths to follow in all sexual relationships with the opposite sex.

 

My OP applies to people who genuinely think they want and can handle being in a relationship with their ex again. Obviously if you had a bad breakup and you're just missing them, but understand you guys can't ever date again or be in eachother's lives because of the hurt you caused eachother, then of course this doesn't apply and you should just move on.

 

My relationship was great on the whole, the breakup was clean, so this approach seems normal to me.

 

Jamili - I don't believe it's doormat territory at all. You're showing you are completely healed and outcome independent. You're showing the past relationship and breakup are just memories, you don't care anymore. You're in a position to have your ex in your life because you want them there but you don't care either way. A reconciliation will only go ahead when the past relationship is put away and both parties are healed and moved on, to the point where you can interact with eachother as if nothing in the past happened and she is just a girl you find hot. This takes mental strength and a "frame" that I understand many people can't or don't want to instill in themselves, and that is fine, but these people will never be able to have their exes back in their lives in the way they want.

[airborne3502]

Bravo sir!

[Altair0770]

I do like your advice Hunk, and I think you are spot on. You do remind me of Corey Wayne. The issue with this advice though (as with any advice) that should be noted is you cannot just play it, you have to be it. Even if you want your ex back more than anything, people can sniff out the fake. You can act like you're in a position you're not, but when things start going in a direction that gets challenging, if you're truly weak it will show. If you aren't in that position, pray you do not get breadcrumbs or a reach out. You need to have gotten over your ex and have moved on in order to be in any position to win him/her back. If you're too easy, even if you did reconcile you'd be having the same issues and walking on eggshells. No matter how attractive they are, no relationship is worth that paranoia and suffering.

 

The only real issue I have here is you are not into reconciliation. I do hope that, however your night goes, if she is seeking reconciliation you either change your mind after your "date" with her or you do not get her hopes up, because you throw her into the position you were in when she broke it off with you.

[jamili]

Jamili - I don't believe it's doormat territory at all. You're showing you are completely healed and outcome independent. You're showing the past relationship and breakup are just memories, you don't care anymore. You're in a position to have your ex in your life because you want them there but you don't care either way. A reconciliation will only go ahead when the past relationship is put away and both parties are healed and moved on, to the point where you can interact with eachother as if nothing in the past happened and she is just a girl you find hot. This takes mental strength and a "frame" that I understand many people can't or don't want to instill in themselves, and that is fine, but these people will never be able to have their exes back in their lives in the way they want.

 

Ok Hunk, let me pick your brain about this a bit more. My ex had been sending breacrumbs, clearly disguised as logistical questions and things of that nature - for months. Some I would ignore, others I would reply in a neutral, outcome-independent way. At 4 months post-breakup, she started asking questions that were no longer disguised as logistics, and asked a few questions about a program I am part of at my job. I didn't reply for about a week, as I was planning on ignoring it completely, and was prepping for a big test and did not want to get distracted.

 

When I did finally reply, I replied about as neutral and outcome independent as you can possibly imagine. In 1 sentence, I explained the situation with the program at my job, and basically answered her question. She didn't say anything in response ... completely dead conversation. What do you suppose is the explanation for that?

 

So, after about 2 days of silence, I decided to send her what I told you - telling her I was confused about her communication since she demanded we never communicate again after breaking up, and I told her if there was some meaning behind the communication, to let me know, otherwise I wasn't interested in small-talk. I was not emotional, I didn't tell her I love her, or miss her, and I was about as polite as you could possibly be. I was firm, honest, and assertive, not weak and needy, or angry... yet she still did not reply. I stood up to her. I skipped the small-talk, and the chit-chat... after receiving breacrumbs for months that went nowhere... I just wanted her to come clean about it. I am not a woman, but I don't see how such a bold, firm message could possibly be taken as hurt or pining over her. I quite bluntly told her that I'm not interested in meaningless chit-chat, and to leave me alone if that's all she was after. I realize completely ignoring her would have been the better option... but how was this not a strong move?

 

Another thing to mention, if you didn't read my thread, is that not all breakups are caused by the man's needy behavior. My ex ended the relationship because she saw an old photo of my ex before her, which was dated a few months after that breakup (a year before we met), and she got extremely insecure about it flipped out. She accused me of lying to her about the ex, still talking to her and having some sort of emotional affair with her behind her back, and still being in love with her. NONE of that was true, of course. But she got extremely insecure and her trust and abandonment issues got the better of her. She refused to believe what I was saying, claimed she could never trust me again, nor could she ever believe that I wasn't still communicating with that other ex.

 

The extra complicated thing about my breakup was that my ex is EXTREMELY anti-communication with exes (so she says). The fact that I had any communication with my ex before her, after that breakup, was sacrilege to her. She thinks any communication with an ex is wrong. I assured her I did not keep contact with exes, other that logistical loose ends, which she very much disbelieved. She flat-out accused me of lacking the ability to cut contact with an ex, and said I don't have the strength or the boundaries to do it. A large part of me was sure that her recent conversation was an attempt to prove to herself that I do, in fact, keep in touch with exes. I could be wrong, but she was definitely the "testing" type. She disbelieved my entire side of the story, and told me she never, ever wants to have any communication with me again - to which I agreed.

 

In that case.... what the hell am I supposed to do. I have a blatantly hypocritical ex contacting me for random stuff. No "I miss you", no "I love you", no "how are you". If I ask her to come bring wine and a nice dress - bam - I'm a confirmed liar... I do, in fact, keep in contact with exes - and she was right to break up with me.

 

Let me ask you this: you are dumped by a girl, kicked out of the place you both lived together in, called a liar, a manipulative scumbag, a cheater, and a multitude of other horrible things that she said in anger. Now she's doing to you exactly what she accused you of doing with your ex before her, and what she broke up with you for. You try to give her the benefit of the doubt, and give her neutral/indifferent responses for months. What is the strong/masculine move in that scenario?

 

As far as starting a new relationship, and forgetting the past one - what about all the issues that killed that relationship in the first place? Her extreme trust issues, her insecurity, her fear of abandonment, etc.? Am I just to ignore those and try to have another relationship like none of that happened. Should I show her she can call me a lying sack of @#$%, and then 4 months later I'm going to be all happy and fine with continuing in a relationship with her, without so much as an apology for trashing my character as a human being? What message does that send, if I'm willing to let that massive issue just be swept under the table?

 

Additionally, I'm curious, why do you think responding to an ex shows that you are "over her" more than maintaining NC and ignoring her? If you are truly over her and moved on, wouldn't you avoid communicating with her altogether? I would think ignoring her and shutting her out of your life is the best way to achieve this... and only responding if she gets vulnerable. Responding to breadcrumbs is breaking NC, so there is no true NC in that scenario.

Edited April 4, 2017 by jamili

[Bromeo]

For those of you confused about why I would say it's the dumpee's responsibility to court the dumper, this is why.

 

We were dumped because our ex was no longer sufficiently attracted to us. This is the ultimate reason. Our behavior shifted from how it was when we met, which was usually carefree and fun, to usually needy and co-dependent. When someone dumps you it's a result of your behavior - you're doing something that is turning your partner off you to the point they no longer want to be romantically involved with you. "GIGS" etc is just shifting the blame of the consequences of your behavior onto your partner. It may not even be a conscious behavior on your half - but your partner has sensed it.

 

After they've dumped you, if there was strong enough attraction, a strong balanced dynamic and your dumper did at some point think the absolute world of you, the initial image of you will return to them and they will reach out to see if you're "fixed", so to speak. To see if you're back to being the person you were when you started dating, to see if they're missing out or if you will confirm their underlying notion that you're still pining and weak.

 

When someone leaves you it's because their entire being is screaming at them to do it. They physically cannot be in a relationship with you even if they wished they could, because your behavior is turning them off you to the extent it overrides any sort of logical processing of you guys being an otherwise compatible couple. They just have to get away from you.

 

I should also clarify this advice is more aimed at men. If you want your ex back you have to understand you are going to need to be the man again, because if your ex comes back to you and feels like you're weak, passive and hurt and that she is the one who needs to re-initiate everything etc she just won't do it, as this instantly gives her the same feeling she had during the relationship which spurred her to end it in the first place. No woman will do it. That's why stories of real reconciliation seem so rare - the woman comes back snooping, checking if the guy is still hurt (he is), she gets her confirmation that he's still hung up on her and therefore not relationship material and she disappears again. Yes, it shouldn't be this way. Our ex should come back, taking all responsibility, crying and begging for us back and telling us how much they love us. This does not happen. This isn't human beings. We're still animals and unfortunately there are rules based on biological truths to follow in all sexual relationships with the opposite sex.

 

My OP applies to people who genuinely think they want and can handle being in a relationship with their ex again. Obviously if you had a bad breakup and you're just missing them, but understand you guys can't ever date again or be in eachother's lives because of the hurt you caused eachother, then of course this doesn't apply and you should just move on.

 

My relationship was great on the whole, the breakup was clean, so this approach seems normal to me.

 

Jamili - I don't believe it's doormat territory at all. You're showing you are completely healed and outcome independent. You're showing the past relationship and breakup are just memories, you don't care anymore. You're in a position to have your ex in your life because you want them there but you don't care either way. A reconciliation will only go ahead when the past relationship is put away and both parties are healed and moved on, to the point where you can interact with eachother as if nothing in the past happened and she is just a girl you find hot. This takes mental strength and a "frame" that I understand many people can't or don't want to instill in themselves, and that is fine, but these people will never be able to have their exes back in their lives in the way they want.

 

I concur that this is how normal relationships should play out. Mine reached out after a month with her same games, same memes, same hot/cold. I waited a week, played it cool, tried to meet up. Same distancing crap. Got accused of not changing, etc. so this advice may not apply in all situations. Told her to pound sand.

 

While I felt a stab reading this, we come to this forum normally because of something atrocious the dumper has done, or the dumpee has allowed to occur. In most of the cases here, something more than an "I miss you" is warranted, or it will be a complete power shift back to the dark days of chasing, which I for one refuse to return to. Some vulnerability displayed, an apology, maybe. But my ex did her best to push me away, and I finally gave it to her.

 

To summarize, if they want you back, they will indicate as such. All the breakup psychology, no contact games, or anything else won't matter. And if the timing isn't right to reconcile, then it isn't right. That isn't the dumpees fault at all, but clear communication is needed on both sides.

[ExpatInItaly]

I concur that this is how normal relationships should play out. Mine reached out after a month with her same games, same memes, same hot/cold. I waited a week, played it cool, tried to meet up. Same distancing crap. Got accused of not changing, etc. so this advice may not apply in all situations. Told her to pound sand.

 

While I felt a stab reading this, we come to this forum normally because of something atrocious the dumper has done, or the dumpee has allowed to occur. In most of the cases here, something more than an "I miss you" is warranted, or it will be a complete power shift back to the dark days of chasing, which I for one refuse to return to. Some vulnerability displayed, an apology, maybe. But my ex did her best to push me away, and I finally gave it to her.

 

To summarize, if they want you back, they will indicate as such. All the breakup psychology, no contact games, or anything else won't matter. And if the timing isn't right to reconcile, then it isn't right. That isn't the dumpees fault at all, but clear communication is needed on both sides.

 

Absolutely agreed.

 

Breaking up and reconciling is just not as complicated as a lot of people want to believe. Internet "gurus" capitalize on the notion that it is, but generally, that's how they make money. I tend to find it's the younger and less-experienced set who buys into it though.

 

Seriously. If you speak to happy couples who have been together for years and years, you will generally find a distinct lack of strategizing and psychological maneuvering. When two people can communicate clearly and maturely, well, it's just not necessary.

 

In any event, OP, I get what you are saying. I don't totally disagree with what you're getting at, either. But be clear with her if you don't intend to date her again; don't just set up dates or sleepovers if you have no intention of re-entering a relationship. Make that crystal clear to the girl.

 

Otherwise, what you're actually showing her is that you haven't changed at all.

[Maldives]

So for those of you who didn't see my older thread, my ex of 3 years dumped me ~3 months ago. She essentially said she didn't feel like she was a priority in my life, that she was beginning to resent me because of the way I treated her and that I wasn't the "sort of boyfriend" she wants (admittedly I wasn't very invested in the relationship, however I loved her and we were a ridiculously good match, i'm just not a "doting" relationship sort of person and could not give her the sort of relationship she was after (serious progression/commitment). I took her for granted and just couldn't be bothered trying to maintain the relationship in any way and was just sort of there for the fun and convenience. That being said, we had a stupid amount of fun together.

 

We had a big fight one morning culminating in us both deciding to end the relationship and I walked out. We had complete no contact for a week and then she called me to "confirm" we were broken up, and started spouting off all the things i'd done to hurt her and how "maybe one day I would make a good boyfriend". I told her that was fine, that I loved her and wished her well.

 

We've had complete, stone cold NC since that phone call. Absolutely nothing, no text, no snapchat, no FB, nothing. I have not looked at her social media once, for all I know she could be pregnant and married living in Botswana. We've been complete ghosts to eachother. I've devoted every waking hour to my business, to fitness and to my hobbies. For the first couple of weeks I felt terrible. This started to lift away and I've been feeling excellent.

 

This morning I was sitting down eating cereal in front of the TV in my underwear and she messaged me. I had to double take and look at my phone because I was absolutely convinced I would never hear from her again. I actually chuckled to myself. Her message said "I just want to tell you I miss you". I left it for a while, and then responded "Come over tomorrow night. bring wine and wear that yellow dress, i'm making pizza", to which she simply responded "Ok."

 

I am not going to re-enter into a relationship with her and will tell her this if it comes up. I can't give her a proper relationship and am not in the stage of my life to be able to give any woman a committed relationship, but I would like to see her and I've healed to the point of being completely outcome independent, and have mentally detached her from a relationship context. She is just someone I get along with ridiculously well, I am just not willing to sacrifice my lifestyle at the moment.

 

I guess this is just for those of you who are struggling with NC. The reality is, no contact will yield one of two results - they will come back, or you will completely and totally move on.

 

Both of these results will only happen if you completely disappear from eachother's lives. You have to be ghosts, you must mourn your ex as someone who has died and accept they are gone and accept you have no bearing on their decision to reach out to you again. It has to come from them.

 

If your relationship was a good one and you were a fun, strong and unique impression on their life's timeline, they will remember and miss you and they will reach out. They will ONLY reach out when you are done, finished, over it and happy again. I know we say this over and over like it's some sort of superstition, but it's the bizarre truth. They will only reach out when they can feel you've let go.

 

In my experience every ex that has dumped me has reached out at this same ~2-3 month mark, just as i've got over the breakup totally.

 

People here preach that your ex must explicitly mention getting back together or it's just breadcrumbs. This is not true. My exes all "breadcrumbed" me after stone cold NC, and these breadcrumbs all led to me seeing these messages for what they were, cutting the BS small talk, escalating, inviting them over and either sleeping together or restarting our relationship.

 

Your ex is contacting you for a reason, and they're a human being, not a robot who's unafraid of completely and spontaneously laying out their heartfelt emotions to someone they haven't spoken to in months. They are testing to see if you are still emotionally crippled and weak - that's what "breadcrumbs" are.

 

When you respond to an ex who's contacted you out of the blue in a calculated, cold, negative tone, or an overly emotional, friendly and needy tone, they will disappear as quickly as they've arrived because they sense you're still broken and it's repulsive. They don't want to be reminded of neediness or how they hurt you. It is fundamentally disgusting and will give your ex the closure they need, knowing that they are not in fact missing out on something good. This is why they message and then disappear. If your ex is reaching out to you they are trusting you are over the pain and in a position to court them again. If they disappear after contact, it's because you're conveying that you're in fact NOT over the pain.

 

Anyway. I am not trying to give you false hope. Alot of our exes will never come back and you will never hear from them again. But, the reality is, the majority of them do come back in some form or another if your relationship was a positive moment in their lives. Stay NC. Do not look at social media, don't text, don't do anything. Your exes are all dead and all of you are going to be fine.

 

Spother on this has tone be the best explanation for this I've ever come accross

[Sweetfish]

For those of you confused about why I would say it's the dumpee's responsibility to court the dumper, this is why.

 

We were dumped because our ex was no longer sufficiently attracted to us. This is the ultimate reason. Our behavior shifted from how it was when we met, which was usually carefree and fun, to usually needy and co-dependent. When someone dumps you it's a result of your behavior - you're doing something that is turning your partner off you to the point they no longer want to be romantically involved with you. "GIGS" etc is just shifting the blame of the consequences of your behavior onto your partner. It may not even be a conscious behavior on your half - but your partner has sensed it.

 

I beg to differ and this is why? Who is to say the dumper is right or wrong? Who is also to say the dumper is not just selfish or immature? Maybe the dumper saw something else they though was better or maybe the dumper is inexperience in long term relationship and yearn for the continuous feeling for butterflies? What if the dumper experience anxiety tapered from another relationship or the dumpee is a rebound.

 

in every situation stated above many dumpee even when treated like crap take the blame for the break-up and its not always true. It may take them months to see they were truly not the problem.

 

 

Dumpers can dump a person and still love them or be attracted to the dumpee. You are not a cirrus a monkey and its not your job to entertain the other party or COURT them. You think a woman who was cheated or dumped by their boyfriend is going to court the boyfriend if he comes crawling back? Your nuts

 

Its very clear that you simply took your ex for granted and why you were dumped so you feel that its an obligation to court the dumper back for your behavior and prove your self.

 

You are giving, in my opinion conflicting advice..because people are dumped for various reasons and that lost of attraction is not always at the hands of the dumpee. If a dumper dumps a dumpee for immature reasons or because they have poor conflict resolution skills... courting the dumper ultimately will put you in position where the dumper may not respect you.

 

We were dumped because our ex was no longer sufficiently attracted to us. This is the ultimate reason. Our behavior shifted from how it was when we met, which was usually carefree and fun, to usually needy and co-dependent.

 

From your previous thread apparently you were care free and fun and it was this attitude that lead your exe to leave and later in the post you posting conflicting information.. as if you were needy and co-dependent or its coming across as if you were and it was the demise of the relationship.

 

After they've dumped you, if there was strong enough attraction, a strong balanced dynamic and your dumper did at some point think the absolute world of you, the initial image of you will return to them and they will reach out to see if you're "fixed", so to speak. To see if you're back to being the person you were when you started dating, to see if they're missing out or if you will confirm their underlying notion that you're still pining and weak.

 

Like I said this is absurd... yes the dumpee is "broken" all dumpee are broken and hence NC is a repair shop to fix their faults..

 

We have seen dumper here clearly admit to giving breadcrumbs with zero intentions of getting back. They have no intentions to see if your with anyone or having a relationship with another.. they just miss the attention or not getting attention currently. Jump to these crumbs and your going to place your self at zero again and the heal process resets for most.

 

Its up to you if you want to reach out to a crumb and that's fine, but the dumper is not perfect and should clearly show the dumpee signs of maturity and growth...but a huge percent of the people I've read and seen here have failed.

 

When someone leaves you it's because their entire being is screaming at them to do it. They physically cannot be in a relationship with you even if they wished they could, because your behavior is turning them off you to the extent it overrides any sort of logical processing of you guys being an otherwise compatible couple. They just have to get away from you.

 

This is totally false... I've seen couples leave because someone else has came into the picture, the person is too predictable or unpredictable. People separate for various reasons.. drugs, personal problems, conflicting love interest or simply someone "amazing" has walked into the S.O. life that is better.

 

Your behavior as a dumpee is not always the problem, but the behavior of the dumper can also be the problem.

 

I should also clarify this advice is more aimed at men. If you want your ex back you have to understand you are going to need to be the man again, because if your ex comes back to you and feels like you're weak, passive and hurt and that she is the one who needs to re-initiate everything etc she just won't do it, as this instantly gives her the same feeling she had during the relationship which spurred her to end it in the first place. No woman will do it. That's why stories of real reconciliation seem so rare - the woman comes back snooping, checking if the guy is still hurt (he is), she gets her confirmation that he's still hung up on her and therefore not relationship material and she disappears again. Yes, it shouldn't be this way. Our ex should come back, taking all responsibility, crying and begging for us back and telling us how much they love us. This does not happen. This isn't human beings. We're still animals and unfortunately there are rules based on biological truths to follow in all sexual relationships with the opposite sex.

 

Again i'm confuse how this relates to your break-up and is giving false hope to some of the posters here who are hurting or hoping for reconciliation. A woman will snoop around because a lot of woman are still connect to you and will always feel connected to you or think about you. I agree in biology... but the dumpee needs to realize at the end of the day.. Ball is in his court and it doesn't matter what he or she is sniffing around for.. Biology or not. A dumpee courting around a dumper is a weak dumpee, period unless it was a mutual break or mutual understanding and at that point they should equally court each other and respect each other and build the relationship together...equally...which happens rarely

 

You courting the exe around will confirm she has full and complete control of you.

 

 

 

This is solely my opinions.. but I respect yours and the dumper was right that you had no intentions to keep her as priority and essentially you are the real dumper of this story as you stated in the OP that at this point of time you had no intention in being in a relationship and you neglected the relationship prior to being dumped. This is like when an employer cuts hours in attempt for the employee to quit and regrets his actions once the employee quits.

 

On the phone she begged me to stay friends with her, that she's never been through a breakup and is scared. She proposed coming over to my house occasionally and going out to events with me because she loves me so much but she just can't date me as it was making her too miserable. She was at the point of begging me to remain friends and started getting hysterical when I said it wasn't the best idea.

 

You cloud your thread with a smoke and mirror like essence as if NC worked for me "and let me give you some advice.." and its pretty wrong as many dumpees are hurting here and looking for threads to emulate or see how their situation is like yours.

 

This morning I was sitting down eating cereal in front of the TV in my underwear and she messaged me. I had to double take and look at my phone because I was absolutely convinced I would never hear from her again. I actually chuckled to myself. Her message said "I just want to tell you I miss you". I left it for a while, and then responded "Come over tomorrow night. bring wine and wear that yellow dress, i'm making pizza", to which she simply responded "Ok."

 

Yeah... I would call that clear cut manipulation..."well, only if she ask anything about relationship will I tell her no.. is this before or after sex?

[todreaminblue]

my ex is full on courting me ......i have always been broken continue to be broken......and i dont lie about my broken ness or am I anything less or more than i ever was..im just me and that will never change.....i may learn new things a progress that way...have learned a bit about myself this week........i believe that he started missing me in the last throes of the relationship he was in.....

 

but

 

he isnt courting to marry or be with me full on eh is courting me to fulfill his sexual desires...and part of me thinks well maybe this time he might come good maybe this time with me having grown and learned new things he might want to marry me....and then i hit the reality mirror...he has serious commitment issues always has and that will never change....he loves me in his own way sort of ...almost ..he cares he doesnt want anything bad to happen to me he wants me to be happy...but to be part fo that happiness of what would make me happy...would never make him happy....and i have to make him see that.....i know he wants em to eb happy and if i was with someone he wouldnt even be trying to have me..he would be respectful he had his chances ...all thousands of them...........i do feel for him..in many aspects..i have three of his girls..our family life is happy ...full of trials...but mostly happy.....we share a close bond.....i feel our bond has strengthened during the break up ...took a long time...but my relationship with my girls is one of respect honesty and love.....i dont need a guy to make me happy...

 

 

 

i would however like to be happy in a relationship and know the guy i was with was also happy and on the same path as me towards a happy future........i think going backwards and reuniting with exes is always difficult....fraught with the chances of repeatign same old same old mi=mistakes.....and a slippery slope to navigate...never really believed in walking backwards....takes so long to move forward when you do that...i dont believe in playing games with exes either ...or withholding affection and true feelings to draw them closer to you...its negging...if you miss an ex you let them know regardless of whether it turns them off or not.....you be truthful......deb.......

Edited April 4, 2017 by todreaminblue

[CC1985]

Hunk,

 

 

I took some comfort in reading your post...my ex left just over 2 weeks ago, we share a house and mortgage and everything was in place but due to my insecurities and trust issues stemming from a previous relationship I pushed her away and she ended up leaving being prescribed anti depressants. She was signed off from work for stress and they are concerned about her current mental state so I know she must be feeling terrible, especially as the tablets won't have kicked in yet.

 

 

She is currently at her Mums with her daughter and initially said she needed time and space and wasn't in a rush to come back to an environment that made her so unhappy.

 

 

I have constantly contacted her despite her blocking me and it has only made her come out with some very nasty things towards me and she has played down anything nice she's ever said.

 

 

I feel as if the girl I knew and loved has disappeared and there is an angry, depressed person in her place who does not remember the good things, our plans, and the love we had for each other.

I just feel like everything can be saved if she was back thinking straight with her head in the right place, but right now she won't talk, is angry and adamant it's over and I had a million chances.

 

 

I guess all I can do is step back, wait and see if in weeks or months she comes round and realises I am taking action and we can fix things. Right now I do feel as if I am poking at a smouldering fire and need to sit back and let the heat die down. It's so hard though, as I feel like if I leave her she might move on (even though she was single for a year before me and has said last week she wouldn't have time or the interest with how ill she's been). I just cling to the hope that the fact she hasn't demanded showdown talks regarding the house and has kept most of her stuff there, then maybe just maybe she will eventually come round. Any advice on how you sat it out and played the long game would certainly help me! Cheers

[burnt]

Her message said "I just want to tell you I miss you". I left it for a while, and then responded "Come over tomorrow night. bring wine and wear that yellow dress, i'm making pizza", to which she simply responded "Ok."

 

WHY on earth, would you send a message back to her like that?

 

She didn't send you a cold calculated message; she broke up with you because she invested herself emotionally to you and you were in it for the fun and good time. Her sending this message simply says she's still not over you and has hopes that perhaps you have changed and that you regret losing her.

 

Is it really that difficult for you to see that she is still in pain and that's why she sent you the message?

 

It is nothing but cruel to reply back to her asking her to bring wine and wear a pretty dress and come and see you?

Your message can very easily scream "I miss you too".

 

Don't ask her to bring wine and dress up for you and come over to your place and then tell her you still want just fun and can offer nothing more. That is one UGLY way to humiliate someone who is still in pain.

 

Please send her a message telling her your full intent.

 

What you did was COLD and cruel to someone already in pain.

[BryanSmiley]

I beg to differ and this is why? Who is to say the dumper is right or wrong? Who is also to say the dumper is not just selfish or immature? Maybe the dumper saw something else they thought was better or maybe the dumper is inexperienced in long term relationship and yearn for the continuous feeling for butterflies? What if the dumper experience anxiety tapered from another relationship or the dumpee is a rebound.

 

in every situation stated above many dumpee even when treated like crap take the blame for the break-up and its not always true. It may take them months to see they were truly not the problem.

 

Dumpers can dump a person and still love them or be attracted to the dumpee. You are not a circus monkey and its not your job to entertain the other party or COURT them. You think a woman who was cheated or dumped by their boyfriend is going to court the boyfriend if he comes crawling back? Your nuts.

 

You are giving, in my opinion conflicting advice..because people are dumped for various reasons and that loss of attraction is not always at the hands of the dumpee. If a dumper dumps a dumpee for immature reasons or because they have poor conflict resolution skills... courting the dumper ultimately will put you in position where the dumper may not respect you.

 

From your previous thread apparently you were care free and fun and it was this attitude that lead your exe to leave and later in the post you posting conflicting information.. as if you were needy and co-dependent or its coming across as if you were and it was the demise of the relationship.

 

I agree here. I adopted Corey Wayne’s approach of not initiating much, playing it cool, and accepting the person back on the basis we’d see how it goes (knowing I felt I deserved more commitment). Ultimately I felt it was as much giving up some power and self respect as anything else. I partially regret pushing my resentment for the prior breakup to the side and just going for another run at things. Not addressing the problems with them left it doomed to fail still.

 

My ex admitted she was selfish and immature herself in the process of breaking up with me the 2nd time. She expressed having doubts some days but other days came on very strong, talking about the future. She admitted herself she was unstable – and at times there was little or no interaction between her swinging from one extreme to the other.

 

As a relationship style I undoubtedly am more of a contact daily, affectionate type than she was. I think that’s normal after a few months of a lot of time together, it’s certainly the relationship I want and deserve. I don’t think I was overly needy for the most part, I focussed on reciprocating to her keenness – with someone I’d then spent a good amount of time investing in. The last time she broke up, 2 days earlier she came on strong, being sexual, talking of needing to see me. I reciprocated to initiate meeting 2 nights later and she randomly seized up again, reacted in a sudden cold manner, saying she didn’t have time to see me so much and I was pressuring her. I can’t accept that seesawing on her part was mostly my fault, it wasn’t.

 

Addressing the latter part above, during an attempted reconciliation talk my partner said she was still attracted to me, was being flirty, but ultimately again the issues with communication, my steady state scaring her and making her even more unpredictable – was the un-doing. Of course I know there were mistakes I made still, absolutely. Both parties played a part, and it’s not all ‘blame’. Some, of it is character conflict, emotional instability, and communication issues.

[kingofpain]

Hunk, I have to be honest (and disclaimer: I don't know your breakup story) but I kind of feel like this is leading her on by your response. [...] I can't help but feel like that was a little mean.

 

I disagree. She's a grown-up. She dumped him. I have observed humans of both sexes but especially women to heartlessly, prudently manipulate the situation in order to recover the dumpee/dumper highground for their own psychological well-being. What she wants now is to be around him. He wouldn't be on this website writing about all this stuff if he wasn't bent about her too. He has clearly done some reading (St. CW?), and the material sounds pretty wise to me. It sounds to me like they have a decent chance of reconciling in a way where they will both get what they want out of the relationship.

[keiji]

I disagree. She's a grown-up. She dumped him. I have observed humans of both sexes but especially women to heartlessly, prudently manipulate the situation in order to recover the dumpee/dumper highground for their own psychological well-being. What she wants now is to be around him. He wouldn't be on this website writing about all this stuff if he wasn't bent about her too. He has clearly done some reading (St. CW?), and the material sounds pretty wise to me. It sounds to me like they have a decent chance of reconciling in a way where they will both get what they want out of the relationship.

 

All of these are wild guesses. All we know I she said he misses him and therefore, if the OP is not interested, he shouldn't have answered like he did.

[newheart]

I disagree. She's a grown-up. She dumped him. I have observed humans of both sexes but especially women to heartlessly, prudently manipulate the situation in order to recover the dumpee/dumper highground for their own psychological well-being. What she wants now is to be around him. He wouldn't be on this website writing about all this stuff if he wasn't bent about her too. He has clearly done some reading (St. CW?), and the material sounds pretty wise to me. It sounds to me like they have a decent chance of reconciling in a way where they will both get what they want out of the relationship.

 

But OP clearly stated he has no interest in reconciling with her. So that said, what was the point in sending her a misleading message?