Ex Has Come Back To Me - Some Thoughts for Everyone Here

[kingofpain]

These aren't wild guesses. I'm reading between the lines. She wants to be around him as evidenced by her telling him she misses him and responding the way she did to his suggestion that they meet up.

 

And then there are his true feelings: is he being straight with us and himself? he was plainly hurting over this woman or he wouldn't be on this forum or doing all of the research into breakup psychology he has clearly done. There have been moments when my ex reached out and showed great vulnerability and weakness. Contrary to what he says never happens, there was a point a couple years ago when she sure enough literally begged me to take her back. But it was at these moments that I experienced the surreal, embarrassing sensation of a sudden complete shift in my own attitude. I rationally knew I still wanted her back, but suddenly my pining and heartache was replaced with a spot of self-assurance and resentment at having been dumped in the first place. It felt good to report to friends and family that I was suddenly not so sure about her. Deep down inside I knew this is was almost a subconscious therapeutic exercise and that I knew what I wanted: her.

 

Of course I don't know everything there is to know about his relationship so you guys are probably right, but I'm saying there is the potential that the research is done will lead to relationship skills behavior that will prevent her from ever dumping him again, there is the potential that he has been permanently impressed with the memory of the pain he has gone through at losing her, and lastly, she dumped him. He went through bunch of pain and that didn't bother her. I have grown callous about this topic because I have never been able to dump women I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship with because I just couldn't bear to put them through the pain. This was pretty immature I know. But at the same time I can't relate to women for their hardwired, biologically prudent pragmatism and lightswitch callousness. I am embittered.

[Nadine123]

Im sorry but what about your self respect as a person.

 

My ex ghosted me nine months ago, contacted me after six months and again last month. I have turned down all reconcilation attempts.

 

How in the world should I know he is serious this time because he is ''human''? A human would have broke up with me like a human being. This is everything against self-respect.

[kingofpain]

I really appreciate this forum for some things I have learned since I joined yesterday, but I have to say it's unreasonable that I'm unable to edit a post I made just a few minutes ago. I've never seen a forum with this draconian policy.

 

I can't even delete that last post.

 

Anyway here's how I wanted it to look:

 

These aren't wild guesses. I'm reading between the lines. She wants to be around him as evidenced by her telling him she misses him and responding the way she did to his suggestion that they meet up.

 

And then there are his true feelings: is he being straight with us and himself? he was plainly hurting over this woman or he wouldn't be on this forum or doing all of the research into breakup psychology he has clearly done.

 

There have been moments when my ex reached out and showed great vulnerability and weakness. Contrary to what he says never happens, there was a point a couple years ago when she sure enough literally begged me to take her back. But it was at these moments that I experienced the surreal, embarrassing (to myself) sensation of a sudden, complete shift in my own attitude. I rationally knew I still wanted her back, but suddenly my pining and heartache was replaced with self-assurance and resentment at having been dumped in the first place. It felt good to report to friends and family that I was suddenly not so sure about wanting her. Deep down inside I knew this was almost a subconscious therapeutic exercise and that the truth was that I wanted her back

 

Of course I don't know everything there is to know about his relationship so you guys are probably right, but I'm saying there is the potential that the research he's done will lead to relationship skills behavior that will prevent her from ever dumping him again, there is the potential that he has been permanently impressed with the memory of the pain he has gone through at losing her.

 

Lastly, she dumped him. He went through bunch of pain and that didn't stop her. I guess have grown callous about this topic because I have never been able to dump women I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship with because I just couldn't bear to put them through the pain. This was pretty immature I know. But at the same time I can't relate to women for their hardwired, biologically prudent pragmatism and lightswitch callousness. I have experienced so much pain it's ridiculous. THAT simple fact has never won me back a woman who dumped me.

[kingofpain]

Im sorry but what about your self respect as a person.

 

My ex ghosted me nine months ago, contacted me after six months and again last month. I have turned down all reconcilation attempts.

 

How in the world should I know he is serious this time because he is ''human''? A human would have broke up with me like a human being. This is everything against self-respect.

 

Nadine are you saying that you dumped him because you got tired of waiting for him to commit? If that is the case, wouldn't you agree that him reaching out and attempting to reconcile has reinforced your confidence in the decision because of the human psychological phenomenon by which it is easier to make an effectively permanent choice when we know we could always reverse it if we wanted?

[jamili]

Morality/ethics aside on what OP is up to, i have a hard time believing that courting the dumper or being the one to chase the dumper is going to work in all situations. I can see it being effective if you were actually dumped for being needy during the relationship or if they lost attraction to you. But what about relationships that break because of the dumper's problems or things unrelated to neediness.

 

I know in my situation, showing how moved on and indifferent i am might have made me less needy in my ex's eyes, but does it elimnate her trust issues, prove i wasnt in communication or having an affair with my previous ex, and dispel her fear of abandonment? Does allowing any sort of contact from an ex, and failing at upholding simple boundaries, disprove her theory that i allow contact with exes and have weak boundaries... or, does it support it?

 

I think this advice is limited to those who are dumped because of excessive needy behavior throughout the relationship. But, even then, i would still think courting them is portraying neediness again, and downright lack of respect and dignity.

 

If you are going for the most "alpha" move possible, i think cutting contact COMPLETELY and ignoring breadcrumbs is the way to go. Looking backwards and courting a person who kicked your ass to the curb simply because they said "I miss you" is, IMO, not very indicitive of a person with any sort of confidence or self worth. Absent a heartfelt apology from the dumper and a sincere desire to work on the problems that caused the breakup to begin with, i fail to see why a confident, alpha male who knows his self worth would ever entertain ambiguous breadcrumb communication from someone who took them for granted and ejected them from their lives.

[Nadine123]

I didnt dump him. We were arguing, he asked me to meet up so we can fix things then he ghosts me.

 

Six months later he calls asking to meet up to talk. Comeon, six months and some people here are implying to take his call or agree to meet up. If he really cared he wouldnt have even done that in the first place and it wouldnt have taken him that long to reach me or am I wrong? How do I know he didnt fail in another relationship and is just looking for an ego boost? booty call? etc etc

 

comeon guys

[kingofpain]

Jamili I think you are mostly right about the best way to handle this, but I do think you are misinterpreting what he was saying about courting the dumper. He might not ever chime back in here to clarify now that he has her back

 

I think it's worth mentioning though that it doesn't necessarily make that much difference what the nature of the reason they broke up with you is. If I understand correctly, the reasons diminish in their memory over time and are replaced by sheer recollection of the things that were awesome about you. It is at that point that alpha male, HEALED attitude will always be the most attractive attitude to project. He definitely has that part right.

 

I don't know if it was you but somebody in the thread said that the stuff he says sounds a lot like the doctrine of Corey Wayne. Corey says to safely assume that all reachouts including "breadcrumbs" are indications that the ex wants to see you. I have also heard him say that maybe she is not ready, just putting feelers out because things are going sideways with her current love interest. You can't always tell if there's another guy in the picture. Anyway the thing is that he says to confidently state what you want and indeed respond to the breadcrumbs with a masculine leadership attitude that proposes getting together for a DATE. He says if they ignore you or turn you down twice, never ask again. At that point, he says to respond politely to all breadcrumbs but keep it brief and leave the door open by saying gotta go, keep in touch.

 

The dude seriously seems to know his ****.

[Nadine123]

but that only applies if things ended in a good note or atleast with some respect.

 

Lets say if you have an ex that went out of their way to make you upset, dissapears, and then come back months later, how would you react?

 

Also, for the men here, why do you come back months later lol.

[Altair0770]

I guess I'm a bit confused about this thread. Really it seems like two different mindsets here but ultimately Hunk is the one that has his ex reaching out to him and being vulnerable.

 

While I will agree he shouldn't do anything if he has no intent on reconciliation because that's flat out using an opportunity for sex and throwing someone into a position that he was thrown into. In this situation as well, it seems the dumper was really the "dumpee" due to the circumstance she was put in. She basically took the advice most people give here - you deserve better. Do you deserve to be strung along with someone that doesn't care for you. It seems in this position the dumper wanted to make it work but her hand was forced because she was unhappy. I know that boat. Despite being the dumpee myself, I thought many times of dumping my ex because we both were unhappy, but I didn't because I wanted so badly for it to work, and as long as there was a possibility, I would fight for it. Unfortunately, she dropped the bombshell.

 

I've been here for awhile, snooping around. Who doesn't when they've had their heart ripped out of their chest? I've seen conflicting advice constantly on how to win an ex back.

 

The fact of the matter is NO ONE has the correct answers. Dumpers AND Dumpees both need to decide what they want when it comes to each other. If the dumper wants to be in a relationship, they will reach out to rekindle. When a dumpee wants a relationship, but it's impossible, they do their best to erase the dumper from their lives (as they should) to move on and find happiness again. Each individual is unique. In my situation, my ex wants me so badly in her life, that I could say anything to her and she would want me to be her friend. But she only wants that. I prefer to completely erase her from my life because I have absolutely no intention of being just a friend, whether I want her romantically or not.

 

In this situation, Hunk made it work. He did exactly what I would do if my ex reached to me (at least in my current mindset of not giving a damn about her besides the little leftover hatred for how she treated me). He dropped COMPLETELY off her radar. Did everything he could to get over the relationship. About a month ago he posted on how much he felt like he didn't deserve a second chance. We tore into him saying that he doesn't. He took it like a man (according to his tale) and built his life around himself, and not her. He completely shut her out of his life after being dumped. He went and did what he needed to do to heal. Something EVERYONE that has been dumped (or even did the dumping) should do.

 

The ex eventually reached out after about 3 months of having no idea what he was doing and caving in. Hate to burst your bubble folks - dumpers still think of their dumpees (mine still stalked my social media until I stopped using it, and possibly still does).

 

Now, his response is probably perfect for his situation. All he got was an "I miss you" text. Nothing about reconciliation. Nothing about sex. Only about anything but simply missing the person.

 

Let's be real. We can cut all the BS "games" and all that crap. We totally can. But the fact of the matter is relationships, in a way, especially reconciliations, are a game. It's a shift of power. In a perfect world, both parties can be honest and say "I miss you too" and have no conflicting outcome.

 

The fact of the matter is, despite pinning over your ex, once you gain power, your reactions change regardless of if you dumped or were dumped. Once you have the power to make decisions you ideas change. You go from wanting nothing more than to speak to your ex and then go to "hmm, do I really want this?" Having that option sometimes changes your outlook on the situation. And guess what, it does for your ex as well. Being completely vulnerable without having reconciled could completely backfire, because you will always be an option if they believe it, and it gives them free reign.

 

The way I see it is you work towards reconciliation by indifference, and let the emotion rebuild when reconciliation has been mutually agreed upon and go on from there. Coming out with a "OMG I MISS YOU TOO!" would be way too preemptive.

 

I'm not trying to lecture people. I'm actually trying to ask a question. I don't know how reconciliation works. I haven't ever done it.

 

But from all the "research" I've done and all the success stories I've heard, one thing is in common - reconciliations tend to happen FAR more frequently when both parties have moved on and decide to start something new. Not when the dumpee has been pinning over their ex and showing vulnerability.

[kingofpain]

I didnt dump him. We were arguing, he asked me to meet up so we can fix things then he ghosts me.

 

Six months later he calls asking to meet up to talk. Comeon, six months and some people here are implying to take his call or agree to meet up. If he really cared he wouldnt have even done that in the first place and it wouldnt have taken him that long to reach me or am I wrong? How do I know he didnt fail in another relationship and is just looking for an ego boost? booty call? etc etc

 

comeon guys

 

Nadine you easily could be correct. It makes a world of difference that you are female and he is male. I'm not being misogynist to say so, quite the opposite: because I view all of human psychology through the lens of that understanding of evolutionary mechanisms and the economy of reproductive strategy, I have far more tolerance and respect for women to be wishy-washy than for men to act this way. The ego boost thing rings true in your case. That is reproductively much more pragmatic in women than in men. In other words I give women far more of a pass to be emotionally selfish than I give men. If he is contacting you just to get laid, he's a dick. Maybe you should respond to him and tell him that you hope he's doing well but A lot has changed and you see things very differently than you did when you parted company. Trust me this will prompt him to chase even more. You would then ask him to show you some sign of personal progress, what has he learned? etc. By being aloof and appearing to be happy you will definitely pique his interest. You could use this interaction to determine his motivation. If he is just trying to have fun, shut his ass down in a way that returns the favor to him.

[Bromeo]

I didnt dump him. We were arguing, he asked me to meet up so we can fix things then he ghosts me.

 

Six months later he calls asking to meet up to talk. Comeon, six months and some people here are implying to take his call or agree to meet up. If he really cared he wouldnt have even done that in the first place and it wouldnt have taken him that long to reach me or am I wrong? How do I know he didnt fail in another relationship and is just looking for an ego boost? booty call? etc etc

 

comeon guys

 

This is precisely what I would be thinking if my ex called me, texted me, or anything else. I wasn't good enough to work at having a relationship with, she left, I chased, she clearly didn't want me, etc.

 

A month later, after 18 months together, I was worth.....an email? After she lived with me, and all the drama that went down post-breakup?

 

Herein lies the exact problem. I totally believe Hunk in his cold blooded NC, and I will subscribe to that in full after my next relationship ends. But then again, after this experience, it would take more than an email or text to want to patch things up.

 

Other exs I would give leeway for a text or email to strike the match. Not Boogerface. The resentment and emotions are too high.

[jamili]

Jamili I think you are mostly right about the best way to handle this, but I do think you are misinterpreting what he was saying about courting the dumper. He might not ever chime back in here to clarify now that he has her back

 

I think it's worth mentioning though that it doesn't necessarily make that much difference what the nature of the reason they broke up with you is. If I understand correctly, the reasons diminish in their memory over time and are replaced by sheer recollection of the things that were awesome about you. It is at that point that alpha male, HEALED attitude will always be the most attractive attitude to project. He definitely has that part right.

 

I don't know if it was you but somebody in the thread said that the stuff he says sounds a lot like the doctrine of Corey Wayne. Corey says to safely assume that all reachouts including "breadcrumbs" are indications that the ex wants to see you. I have also heard him say that maybe she is not ready, just putting feelers out because things are going sideways with her current love interest. You can't always tell if there's another guy in the picture. Anyway the thing is that he says to confidently state what you want and indeed respond to the breadcrumbs with a masculine leadership attitude that proposes getting together for a DATE. He says if they ignore you or turn you down twice, never ask again. At that point, he says to respond politely to all breadcrumbs but keep it brief and leave the door open by saying gotta go, keep in touch.

 

The dude seriously seems to know his ****.

 

Well, what i mean is that truly healing, and moving on, like a strong, confident alpha male, means keeping NC when a woman who dumped you reaches out with some nonsense breadcrumb text. If you are truly moved on, would you respond to an exgf? Or would you go NC forever?

 

Furthermore, if she dumped you for other reasons, that sre unrelated to attraction/neediness... and you are quick and eager to respond to the breadcrumbs, court her and try to set up another date... when all she did was send you a random breadcrumb text... well then you are handing her your balls and showing her she still has control over you.

 

2 months of pure NC, and she can still get him to respond back and ask her on a date, without even having to apologize or work for him back? She is very much in control of the dumpee at that point, and she knows it, and I think being controlled isnt exactly alpha/masculine behavior.

 

She should have to earn him back, and work for him. If the man knows his self worth - if hes over it, and knows he can get another woman even better than her - then he isnt looking backwards and a simple breadcrumb isnt going to get his attention, let alone get him to immediately start asking her out on dates. I think that shows weak boundaries with exes, and a low level of self respect and weakened confidence.

[Nadine123]

I completely agree with jamili.

 

If my ex wanted me back, he should have done alot more than just call twice after six months lol. He didnt even bother texting. If I responded back the first time with yes, let meets up and pretend like nothing happened, then I would have no self respect at all and he would have easily noticed that.

[whatdeww18]

I think this advice is limited to those who are dumped because of excessive needy behavior throughout the relationship. But, even then, i would still think courting them is portraying neediness again, and downright lack of respect and dignity.

 

If you are going for the most "alpha" move possible, i think cutting contact COMPLETELY and ignoring breadcrumbs is the way to go. Looking backwards and courting a person who kicked your ass to the curb simply because they said "I miss you" is, IMO, not very indicitive of a person with any sort of confidence or self worth. Absent a heartfelt apology from the dumper and a sincere desire to work on the problems that caused the breakup to begin with, i fail to see why a confident, alpha male who knows his self worth would ever entertain ambiguous breadcrumb communication from someone who took them for granted and ejected them from their lives.

 

Jamili, I think it's actually for the direct opposite. If you were needy, trying to court your ex is just playing along the same lines of being needy, just toned down. The OP has taken this girl for granted, and actually, almost all of his past relationships in some form. A simple look at the titles of his threads can give you insight.

 

I would like to caution guys who are reading this thread and find solace. Hunk, is essentially the dumper, who acts like a dumpee. He has not gone through immense pain as some have suggested to do the internal work to commit or discontinue taking others for granted. If that sounds like you, then yes, you need to show that you will not take your ex for granted.

 

Also, Jamili, I didn't know you were into the "alpha" and "beta" terms. I'm personally not the biggest fan of those terms as I think every guy has both. I have never met a fully "alpha" guy nor a fully "beta" guy. In any case, healing from a break up and self-improvement are not limited to gender or being alpha or beta.

 

See, the OP is exactly the opposite of the case you are mentioning. He took her for granted, as well as the ex's before. The dynamic is different for his ex's as they are essentially dumpers who logically dumped him for good reason.

 

However, this is where forced dumpers and dumpees thoughts coincide, somewhat. The OP's ex's are humans and miss the relationship, much like us dumpees. However, it is still in the opposing party's responsibility to reach out, make the effort to address the issues, and be an adult in regards to communication (the OP, or our dumpers for dumping for irrational reasons). If that doesn't happen, as a forced dumper or dumpee, you have the self-respect to stay away, keep going with life, and finding someone that is worth it all. Or you can choose to try again. This all does not make you alpha or beta. This makes you a healthy dumpee and individual.

 

Especially if you're coming from a LTR, don't confuse being needy with the end of the relationship. Honestly, if you were a needy guy and I didn't like it, you would have been dumped in the first couple months. So, if you're "needy" and went through 2 or 3 years together, do you really think your neediness ended it? There is a problem that wasn't addressed in the relationship and the aftermath is further neediness/clingy behavior. And then, the best way to go about this is to court your ex again? I don't think that would prove to be a lasting reconciliation if it were to happen. It may attract your ex for a short period of time, however, the framework to not take her for granted, which was the essential problem, would not be addressed. You would become further needy/clingy, again, as you have not identified issues and feel your ex slipping away for a second time. Say hello to another break up. I can't say heartache in this case, as it seems the OP and others that find themselves in these situations did not personally invest themselves into it.

 

I don't mean to sound crass. It seems like this thread is going into a direction of this "alpha" and "beta" behavior again and how you must be alpha and re-attract your ex and court them. Hell no. You can be as alpha as you'd like, possibly re-attract your ex, but if you have not looked into your past, failed relationship and fixed your errors, you can bet that it will fail again. If I were the OP's ex, I would also miss him, see if there's anything that may have changed, and the second I feel like I will be taken for granted again, I would run. Real fast.

Edited April 4, 2017 by whatdeww18

[Bromeo]

Well, what i mean is that truly healing, and moving on, like a strong, confident alpha male, means keeping NC when a woman who dumped you reaches out with some nonsense breadcrumb text. If you are truly moved on, would you respond to an exgf? Or would you go NC forever?

 

Furthermore, if she dumped you for other reasons, that sre unrelated to attraction/neediness... and you are quick and eager to respond to the breadcrumbs, court her and try to set up another date... when all she did was send you a random breadcrumb text... well then you are handing her your balls and showing her she still has control over you.

 

2 months of pure NC, and she can still get him to respond back and ask her on a date, without even having to apologize or work for him back? She is very much in control of the dumpee at that point, and she knows it, and I think being controlled isnt exactly alpha/masculine behavior.

 

She should have to earn him back, and work for him. If the man knows his self worth - if hes over it, and knows he can get another woman even better than her - then he isnt looking backwards and a simple breadcrumb isnt going to get his attention, let alone get him to immediately start asking her out on dates. I think that shows weak boundaries with exes, and a low level of self respect and weakened confidence.

 

The essence of being centered and "alpha" (I despise those terms) is making decisions, having purpose, sticking with them, and working towards goals. If hunk makes the decision to reengage with his ex, so be it. If he decides otherwise, more power to him. His decisions work for him.

 

In my case, due to the breakup, I cannot entertain this line of thinking about my ex. I made the decision to go no contact, and have healed much more rapidly.

 

Jam, in your case, quit looking backwards, second guessing, and engaging in what ifs. I understand, I got blamed for the same things, and my brain was spinning for a good long while as well.

 

This forum unfortunately is a microcosm that allows for minute dissection of details, but only has one side of the issue. We get caught up in theory, and psychology.

 

Hunks thoughts hit me in the feels a bit, as it made me wonder if mine was reaching out to reconcile. However, the fact that we are 2 months solid NC goes against this, and the post breakup trauma keeps me squarely in the NC field.

[kingofpain]

Jamili & Nadine: there's a couple things you're not getting.

 

(1) being "moved on" does not mean ceasing to desire them or miss them. it means *being happy* despite having lost something you desire and miss.

 

(2) desiring and missing your ex is not unattractive to your ex. it is the exact opposite. haven't you ever felt yourselves attracted to individuals you never really noticed until they made it clear they were interested in you?

 

I will concede that they can use "breadcrumbs" to confirm that you are still desirous of them, to comfort themselves with ego reassurance and the reassurance that they can still have you back if they want you back.

 

HOWEVER

 

If you can successfully convey that you are happy and moved on, the fear that you will meet somebody else can combine with the attractiveness of you being a SAFE option because you're in a state of peace and happiness to make them come back.

 

By going to his house in that dress with that wine (in other words, knowing she's going to get laid) she IS earning him back. SHE is the one making the effort.

 

I have succeeded by ignoring messages in the past. But if it's too much of a longshot the idea that you wouldn't prefer to turn the clock back to before the break up, they are only going to interpret you ignoring their contact as insincere manipulation, which is WEAK. The better way to go is to be polite and nice but keep things extremely brief, say "I gotta go, keep in touch." The key here is that YOU will NEVER reach out to them AGAIN. They will quickly notice that you neither seem butthurt nor needy. Think about it

[jamili]

Jamili, I think it's actually for the direct opposite. If you were needy, trying to court your ex is just playing along the same lines of being needy, just toned down. The OP has taken this girl for granted, and actually, almost all of his past relationships in some form. A simple look at the titles of his threads can give you insight.

 

I would like to caution guys who are reading this thread and find solace. Hunk, is essentially the dumper, who acts like a dumpee. He has not gone through immense pain as some have suggested to do the internal work to commit or discontinue taking others for granted. If that sounds like you, then yes, you need to show that you will not take your ex for granted.

 

Also, Jamili, I didn't know you were into the "alpha" and "beta" terms. I'm personally not the biggest fan of those terms as I think every guy has both. I have never met a fully "alpha" guy nor a fully "beta" guy. In any case, healing from a break up and self-improvement are not limited to gender or being alpha or beta.

 

See, the OP is exactly the opposite of the case you are mentioning. He took her for granted, as well as the ex's before. The dynamic is different for his ex's as they are essentially dumpers who logically dumped him for good reason.

 

However, this is where forced dumpers and dumpees thoughts coincide, somewhat. The OP's ex's are humans and miss the relationship, much like us dumpees. However, it is still in the opposing party's responsibility to reach out, make the effort to address the issues, and be an adult in regards to communication (the OP, or our dumpers for dumping for irrational reasons). If that doesn't happen, as a forced dumper or dumpee, you have the self-respect to stay away, keep going with life, and finding someone that is worth it all. Or you can choose to try again. This all does not make you alpha or beta. This makes you a healthy dumpee and individual.

 

Especially if you're coming from a LTR, don't confuse being needy with the end of the relationship. Honestly, if you were a needy guy and I didn't like it, you would have been dumped in the first couple months. So, if you're "needy" and went through 2 or 3 years together, do you really think your neediness ended it? There is a problem that wasn't addressed in the relationship and the aftermath is further neediness/clingy behavior. And then, the best way to go about this is to court your ex again? I don't think that would prove to be a lasting reconciliation if it were to happen. It may attract your ex for a short period of time, however, the framework to not take her for granted, which was the essential problem, would not be addressed. You would become further needy/clingy, again, as you have not identified issues and feel your ex slipping away for a second time. Say hello to another break up. I can't say heartache in this case, as it seems the OP and others that find themselves in these situations did not personally invest themselves into it.

 

I don't mean to sound crass. It seems like this thread is going into a direction of this "alpha" and "beta" behavior again and how you must be alpha and re-attract your ex and court them. Hell no. You can be as alpha as you'd like, possibly re-attract your ex, but if you have not looked into your past, failed relationship and fixed your errors, you can bet that it will fail again. If I were the OP's ex, I would also miss him, see if there's anything that may have changed, and the second I feel like I will be taken for granted again, I would run. Real fast.

 

Hi whatdew

 

I use the terms "alpha" and "beta" because i presume that is what the OP is getting at with his strategy and concept. I personally dont think in black and white categories like that, although the underlying gist - being weak/needy - is definitely something that I agree happens and is likely the cause of some breakups. But, not all breakups.

 

Im not one to keep contact with exes, personally. And if one is contacting me after i moved on, and the contact was ambiguous breadcrumbs, lacking any sincere, mature communication or intent to work things out.. the last thing i would do is ask her out on a date.

 

Also, I would think, if you were trying to give off some kind of "ive healed and moved on" vibe, the last thing you would do is court the ex. Maybe some people enjoy staying in LC or maintaining friendships with exes, but personally if i have moved on and healed, im not going to pursue her again, and its 100% her job to initiate the reconciliation at that point if she so desires. I dont think that's being "hurt" or "not over it", on the contrary i think it is being strong and having self respect.

 

Further, i coudlnt agree more about working on root causes to problems if you are going to reconcile. The whole notion that starting a fresh relationship and brushing the old one under the carpet is a good idea, is very flawed. It will only be a matter of time before the old problems resurface and the relationship fails again. You MUST work on the old problems, together, and get past them in a healthy way, in order to have a healthy, mature, and adult relationship.

[Nadine123]

When he reached out from a strange number I wasnt cold or rude. We spoke briefly and I politely asked him in the end not to contact me again. He called me again the same day and two weeks later. Not once in these attempts did he apologize for what he did to me and he hasnt called in a month. he hasnt contacted me in SIX MONTHS.

 

@kingofpain Im interested in hearing your opinion about his.

[DarrenB]

Anyway. I am not trying to give you false hope. Alot of our exes will never come back and you will never hear from them again. But, the reality is, the majority of them do come back in some form or another if your relationship was a positive moment in their lives. Stay NC. Do not look at social media, don't text, don't do anything. Your exes are all dead and all of you are going to be fine.

 

Couldn't agree more with your ending paragraph/conclusion. It's a necessity to maintain balance, happiness and freedom of the mind when you're in predicaments involving a previous lover/significant other.

 

It's fundamental to understand that once there has been an end, that end will mostly never be restarted. The importance of moving forward is immense and dwelling/reminiscing of what could have been or hoping to reconcile will eventually be your demise rather than your savior.

[jamili]

Jamili & Nadine: there's a couple things you're not getting.

 

(1) being "moved on" does not mean ceasing to desire them or miss them. it means *being happy* despite having lost something you desire and miss.

 

(2) desiring and missing your ex is not unattractive to your ex. it is the exact opposite. haven't you ever felt yourselves attracted to individuals you never really noticed until they made it clear they were interested in you?

 

I will concede that they can use "breadcrumbs" to confirm that you are still desirous of them, to comfort themselves with ego reassurance and the reassurance that they can still have you back if they want you back.

 

HOWEVER

 

If you can successfully convey that you are happy and moved on, the fear that you will meet somebody else can combine with the attractiveness of you being a SAFE option because you're in a state of peace and happiness to make them come back.

 

By going to his house in that dress with that wine (in other words, knowing she's going to get laid) she IS earning him back. SHE is the one making the effort.

 

I have succeeded by ignoring messages in the past. But if it's too much of a longshot the idea that you wouldn't prefer to turn the clock back to before the break up, they are only going to interpret you ignoring their contact as insincere manipulation, which is WEAK. The better way to go is to be polite and nice but keep things extremely brief, say "I gotta go, keep in touch." The key here is that YOU will NEVER reach out to them AGAIN. They will quickly notice that you neither seem butthurt nor needy. Think about it

 

I think it really does depend on the situation. Would you agree that answering my ex's ambiguous breadcrumb texts with positive, friendly indifference is good, after she falsely accused me of lying (about having any contact with exes after a breakup), trashed my integrity as a person, cost me thousands of dollars in moving costs, etc? If i was fully moved on and over that person, would i even entertain communication with them, before getting any sort of real apology or before she conveys any real intention to work on the problems and the trust issues? I cant agree there

 

And, for the record, intially during the first few months i received breadceumbs, i actually did try this casual/position outcome-independent indifference thing. What was the result? Each time i responded with polite, positive indifference, she disappeared for another month like a ghost immediately after.

 

Factor in the blatantly hypocritical behavior (she dumped me upon accusation that i did literally exactly what she is doing, with my ex before her...), and the length of time i have been receiving breadcrumbs, eventually i had to cut the cord and politely ask her to stop contacting me if there wasnt meaning behind her communication, as I am not interested in keeping contact with ex girlfriends.

 

Now, do you really think thats weakness on my part? I think maintaining contact with an ex, and being potentially strung along, is much, much weaker. Again, if keeping contact with exes is your thing, then thats fine.. . But in my case its not my thing, and it sure as hell isnt my exes thing either, since she is willing to dump me just because of a hunch that I had kept in contact with an ex nearly a year before i even met this current ex.

 

I fail to understand how telling an ex "no", or to "stop", or requesting her to be open about her communication, rather than dancing around small talk, is weakness. You can still be happy and positive and going on with your life, and still not want breadcrumb communication from your ex and desire clear explanation of their contact, provded you dont turn into an emotional mess while asserting your boundaries.

[kingofpain]

When he reached out from a strange number I wasnt cold or rude. We spoke briefly and I politely asked him in the end not to contact me again. He called me again the same day and two weeks later. Not once in these attempts did he apologize for what he did to me and he hasnt called in a month. he hasnt contacted me in SIX MONTHS.

 

@kingofpain Im interested in hearing your opinion about his.

 

I'm unclear whether it's been six months or only one month since you heard from him last. What did he say when he contacted you *after* you asked him to stop contacting you? How did you ask him to stop contacting you? Remind me what he did to you that you believe calls for an apology. He stood you up, right? From what i've read so far, I really think that you would stand to benefit greatly from provoking this guy to chase you before you give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm pretty sure I won't make myself popular by saying that, because it is juvenile and vindictive, but it sure as heck can be extremely effective therapy for your own ego with regard to a guy who sounds like he deserves it and who sounds like someone you deserve better than.

[ilovemefirst]

sorry i smell Ego. You messaged her to come over wearing your favourite dress and a bottle of wine, which seemed like you were trying to lead her on. You seem to have a lot of pride, and u want the world to know she came back to you. I sorry, i hope she finds someone who will treat her better. Good luck

[whatdeww18]

Hi whatdew

 

I use the terms "alpha" and "beta" because i presume that is what the OP is getting at with his strategy and concept. I personally dont think in black and white categories like that, although the underlying gist - being weak/needy - is definitely something that I agree happens and is likely the cause of some breakups. But, not all breakups.

 

Im not one to keep contact with exes, personally. And if one is contacting me after i moved on, and the contact was ambiguous breadcrumbs, lacking any sincere, mature communication or intent to work things out.. the last thing i would do is ask her out on a date.

 

Also, I would think, if you were trying to give off some kind of "ive healed and moved on" vibe, the last thing you would do is court the ex. Maybe some people enjoy staying in LC or maintaining friendships with exes, but personally if i have moved on and healed, im not going to pursue her again, and its 100% her job to initiate the reconciliation at that point if she so desires. I dont think that's being "hurt" or "not over it", on the contrary i think it is being strong and having self respect.

 

Further, i coudlnt agree more about working on root causes to problems if you are going to reconcile. The whole notion that starting a fresh relationship and brushing the old one under the carpet is a good idea, is very flawed. It will only be a matter of time before the old problems resurface and the relationship fails again. You MUST work on the old problems, together, and get past them in a healthy way, in order to have a healthy, mature, and adult relationship.

 

Hi Jamili! Ah I love this reply, this sounds more like the you that I know.

 

With this one, I agree. You and I both know, it is ultimately your ex's loss. You have the self-respect to walk away, keep your head high, enjoy life, and not respond to meaningless texts.

 

100% spot on that she has to be the one to come back, and open up communication about addressing the issues. Not only is it self-respect for yourself, but it also gives your ex time to grow from this experience, if it was meant to be. You've got it right, and that's also why you don't ask for a date then. Just going to delay or stop any growth the dumper could have come to.

 

Your journey is inspiring, my friend!

[jamili]

I really think that you would stand to benefit greatly from provoking this guy to chase you before you give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm pretty sure I won't make myself popular by saying that, because it is juvenile and vindictive, but it sure as heck can be extremely effective therapy for your own ego.

 

Karma, man...

 

Maybe I'm weird, but i think reconciliations should be conducted in a mature way. This means the dumper apologizing for his/her mistskes, a collaborative effort to work together and work on the issues both parties contributed to the breakup, and a mutual respect that comes from maturity and levelheadedness.

[Nadine123]

to be honest getting back at him wont make me feel better. I care about him too much for that. I thought it would make me feel better if he ever calls me or reaches out but that actually made me feel worse.

 

@kingofpain he contacted me six moths after ghosting me. its been one month SINCE i heard of him. I didnt pick up after he called again after I aske him not to answer. I asked him politely, I wasnt rude when he called.

 

@jamili I totally relate to you man. One day we will find someone who treats us the way we deserve. stay strong