Ex Has Come Back To Me - Some Thoughts for Everyone Here

[kingofpain]

to be honest getting back at him wont make me feel better. I care about him too much for that. I thought it would make me feel better if he ever calls me or reaches out but that actually made me feel worse.

 

@kingofpain he contacted me six moths after ghosting me. its been one month SINCE i heard of him. I didnt pick up after he called again after I aske him not to answer. I asked him politely, I wasnt rude when he called.

 

@jamili I totally relate to you man. One day we will find someone who treats us the way we deserve. stay strong

 

I don't mean to give him a taste of his own medicine in a punitive sense. I mean for you to not just imagine but actually *experience* the sensation of this man freaking out when it is he who is pining for you and you who is walking away from him. I mentioned that he "deserves it" simply so that it not be such a consideration whether it's the right thing to do to the guy. But I agree that there is no point in punishing him. The entire point of doing what I'm suggesting is for you to be freed of the pain that follows from being rejected by somebody you love. There are other ways to achieve this freedom. But this one works, and it does so perfectly, permanently and instantaneously. Of course there is also the possibility that he has progressed in his own maturity. If you care about him so much there is the possibility that you could reconcile. Remember, I only said to do this if the reason he was reaching out becomes clear as him simply wanting to have fun without concern for your feelings.

[whatdeww18]

I don't mean to give him a taste of his own medicine in a punitive sense. I mean for you to not just imagine but actually *experience* the sensation of this man freaking out when it is he who is pining for you and you who is walking away from him. I mentioned that he "deserves it" simply so that it not be such a consideration whether it's the right thing to do to the guy. But I agree that there is no point in punishing him. The entire point of doing what I'm suggesting is for you to be freed of the pain that follows from being rejected by somebody you love. There are other ways to achieve this freedom. But this one works, and it does so perfectly, permanently and instantaneously. Of course there is also the possibility that he has progressed in his own maturity. If you care about him so much there is the possibility that you could reconcile. Remember, I only said to do this if the reason he was reaching out becomes clear as him simply wanting to have fun without concern for your feelings.

 

This suggestion is by no means perfect, nor permanent. Instantaneous, probably but it will not last. Provoking someone you loved to chase you will help one feel validated, and know the break up was not entirely his/her fault. Ego is fed. However, once that ego high wears off, what are you left with?

 

The person you once held in high admonition wanting to reconcile while you having already finished with the relationship? Most likely, thoughts of the relationship, the future you had planned and envisioned, and the quelled feelings you held for this person will surface. It's another round of the break up. You have to then decide whether it's worth it to attempt reconciliation with its issues and possible future failure or remember all the pain and call it quits. Not to mention, how would it make you feel in the long run knowing the person you once loved so much wanting to be with you again while you are conflicted? Probably emotional turmoil, unless you are just sincerely done with all feelings for your ex or never truly loved them to begin with. In that case, all the more reason not to try to string someone along by having them chase.

 

The only permanent solution to the pain is coming to terms with it, accepting the break up, growing from it, and finding someone that truly loves, values, and respects you. The suggestion may allow the ego high to sustain someone until finding another who loves them happens. But at the expense of your ex's pain? I don't think it's a good idea.

Edited April 4, 2017 by whatdeww18

[whatnot]

I read the first post and most of the first page. Got the drift.

 

If this teaches those in pain anything....it should teach us....once NC....stay away. This woman is in for more pain (worse pain) and she's doing it to herself.

 

No one is doing this to her, but her.

[Bromeo]

This suggestion is by no means perfect, nor permanent. Instantaneous, probably but it will not last. Provoking someone you loved to chase you will help one feel validated, and know the break up was not entirely his/her fault. Ego is fed. However, once that ego high wears off, what are you left with?

 

The person you once held in high admonition wanting to reconcile while you having already finished with the relationship? Most likely, thoughts of the relationship, the future you had planned and envisioned, and the quelled feelings you held for this person will surface. It's another round of the break up. You have to then decide whether it's worth it to attempt reconciliation with its issues and possible future failure or remember all the pain and call it quits. Not to mention, how would it make you feel in the long run knowing the person you once loved so much wanting to be with you again while you are conflicted? Probably emotional turmoil, unless you are just sincerely done with all feelings for your ex or never truly loved them to begin with. In that case, all the more reason not to try to string someone along by having them chase.

 

The only permanent solution to the pain is coming to terms with it, accepting the break up, growing from it, and finding someone that truly loves, values, and respects you. The suggestion may allow the ego high to sustain someone until finding another who loves them happens. But at the expense of your ex's pain? I don't think it's a good idea.

 

I'll be honest, and although I'll get there, at this time I'm not overly concerned that my ex may be hurting. Call me crazy, immature, or not healed up. I understand she is a human being, and all that, but right now several memories keep me nice and toasty, and firmly in nc.

[jamili]

 

In this situation, Hunk made it work. He did exactly what I would do if my ex reached to me (at least in my current mindset of not giving a damn about her besides the little leftover hatred for how she treated me). He dropped COMPLETELY off her radar. Did everything he could to get over the relationship. About a month ago he posted on how much he felt like he didn't Now, his response is probably perfect for his situation. All he got was an "I miss you" text. Nothing about reconciliation. Nothing about sex. Only about anything but simply missing the person.

 

Let's be real. We can cut all the BS "games" and all that crap. We totally can. But the fact of the matter is relationships, in a way, especially reconciliations, are a game. It's a shift of power. In a perfect world, both parties can be honest and say "I miss you too" and have no conflicting outcome.

 

The fact of the matter is, despite pinning over your ex, once you gain power, your reactions change regardless of if you dumped or were dumped. Once you have the power to make decisions you ideas change. You go from wanting nothing more than to speak to your ex and then go to "hmm, do I really want this?" Having that option sometimes changes your outlook on the situation. And guess what, it does for your ex as well. Being completely vulnerable without having reconciled could completely backfire, because you will always be an option if they believe it, and it gives them free reign.

 

The way I see it is you work towards reconciliation by indifference, and let the emotion rebuild when reconciliation has been mutually agreed upon and go on from there. Coming out with a "OMG I MISS YOU TOO!" would be way too preemptive.

 

I'm not trying to lecture people. I'm actually trying to ask a question. I don't know how reconciliation works. I haven't ever done it.

 

But from all the "research" I've done and all the success stories I've heard, one thing is in common - reconciliations tend to happen FAR more frequently when both parties have moved on and decide to start something new. Not when the dumpee has been pinning over their ex and showing vulnerability.

 

I will admit, "I miss you" is way more vulnerable of a breadcrumb than anything i ever got from my ex.

 

But, even if mine sent that, i dont know how i would respond. When you get dumped under accusation that you keep in contact with exes, and you swear up and down that you don't... and then when the dumper reaches out 4 months later and you respond and try to keep the conversation going/ask them out... what exactly do I look like in that scenario? Answer: a liar.

 

I can see responding with a "fu** off bi***" or a "omg i miss you too i think of you everyday you are my world" being indicative of not having moved on or not being over it. But ignoring the message or asking for clarity is simply asserting HEALTHY boundaries. I had no idea people consider having boundaries with exes to be a signal of being "butthurt". It has nothing to do with being hung up on the relationship, bitter, needy, etc. Its just called being an ADULT.

 

If Hunk had ignored her message, or even did what i did and give a firm response asking for clarity and asserting his boundaries... do you really think she would have run off and thought "omg he's totally not over it, still pining for me"? I just dont see how anyone could come to that conclusion. I would argue that shutting them out and not looking back is the MOST obvious indication that the dumpee has moved on. I would also argue that courting the ex or pursuing her at that point IS evidence that you have not moved on.

 

I guess it really just comes down to the kind of person who are. If you are the kind of person who considers "moving on" to include maintaining contact with all your exes as friends, then I suppose Hunk's way is for you. But if you are the kind of person that doesnt like to maintain contact with your exes, and completely leave that in the past, then maybe ignoring the crumbs are for you.

 

I just dont see how the ignore scenario can be perceived as hurt. I know what i did, politely asking my ex to stop contacting me unless there is meaningful discussion to be had, could be perceived as "hes still hurt" by some people... but really the only perception you should be worried about is your own. If you are the kind of person who believes it is immature and unhealthy to keep contact with exes, you shouldn't shelve that belief just to please the dumper because they think contact with exes is healthy. You have to stand up for what you believe in.

 

Maybe this is naive, but I would think standing up for what you believe in, and likewise standing up to a dumper who is sending you immature, ambiguous texts, will gain you the most respect from the dumper. Especially if you were needy during the relationship. Standing up for yourself, denying breadcrumbs, asserting boundaries and taking care of your own tail is about as independent and strong as it gets - in my mind.

[whatnot]

I guess it really just comes down to the kind of person who are. If you are the kind of person who considers "moving on" to include maintaining contact with all your exes as friends, then I suppose Hunk's way is for you.

Maybe, maybe not. I've not gone back to read Hunk's past posts. However, my guess is (could be wrong)...he didn't come here a happy camper. (few, in any, do)

 

 

 

It has less to do with "the kind of person you are" and more to do with you're role in the dynamic of any given relationship.

 

Hunk has more power in this relationship than she does.

 

She's about to learn her elixir turned hemlock hasn't turned back to elixir.

[jamili]

Maybe, maybe not. I've not gone back to read Hunk's past posts. However, my guess is (could be wrong)...he didn't come here a happy camper. (few, in any, do)

 

 

 

It has less to do with "the kind of person you are" and more to do with you're role in the dynamic of any given relationship.

 

Hunk has more power in this relationship than she does.

 

She's about to learn her elixir turned hemlock hasn't turned back to elixir.

 

The power game thing is confusing to me. How does keeping in contact with ex and who is breadcrumbing you make you more powerful than standing up to him/her and either ignoring the crumbs or asserting your boundaries and requesting them to stop? I always thought being in control of yourself to be power. You have the power to walk away, not look back, and disregard any breadcrumbs unless the dumper shows more vulnerability. You habe the power to stand up to them and request clear, adult conversation. Playing the "stay in contact with my ex" game and sharing in a breadcrumb exchange seems less "powerful" to me - in fact it seems powerless, becsuse in that scenario the dumper still has you wrapped around their finger, responding to their meaningless messages even months after being broken up.

[Nadine123]

exactly and if they treated you like crap before dumping them, it shows that they can still treat you like crap and you will go abck to them no matter what. where is your self-respect?

 

Someone once told me here, if someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[whatdeww18]

I'll be honest, and although I'll get there, at this time I'm not overly concerned that my ex may be hurting. Call me crazy, immature, or not healed up. I understand she is a human being, and all that, but right now several memories keep me nice and toasty, and firmly in nc.

 

Bromeo! Your character and maturity shine in the decision to stay in No Contact. Hopefully, you are getting better and better with time!

 

Correct. I only meant caring about the ex's feeling in the suggestion in trying to provoke an ex to chase, ie. dumpee provoking dumper to chase.

 

You're healing like a healthy individual by staying in No Contact and grieving the end of the relationship. A response from you requires hearing what you need to hear from your ex. May be that there is nothing you need to hear, as such, no response. Psh, you already know all this anyways haha.

[jamili]

As in, when you're cold, needy, in constant contact, unsure, emotional, this all gives your ex confidence in knowing they've made the right decision. They cannot be attracted to you in this state and this is comforting to them.

 

Why do you think when a dumper goes "cold" and breaks up with you, its totally OK. But, if god forbid the dumpee responds to a random-a$$ text 3 months later in a "cold" manner... then its the dumpee who has problems?

 

I trust my dumper to be intelligent enough to realize that contacting me 4 months later out of the blue, after disgracing my character for truthfulness, my integrity and honor as a person... AND after *demanding* that we never speak again.... AND considering the hypocrisy of her acrions... that i wouldnt necessarily respond like she's my best friend on earth. This isnt being bitter or hurt or mean... its just normal, healthy behavior. She is my ex, we are no longer a couple, and her contact is confusing. Being a little cold and distant is normal human behavior in such a scenario. If the dumper cannot comprehend this, and accept responsiblity for trashing an otherwise great relationship based on a mere whim.... then I'm afraid they arent self aware enough to currently have a healthy, mature, loving relationship of any kind.

 

I would expect someone who is so severely and religiously against communicating with exes, enough to end a relationship because of the mere suspicion that the dumpee might have stayed in communication in the past, to be understanding of the dumpee's desire to stay no contact unless the communication had meaning.

Edited April 4, 2017 by jamili

[kingofpain]

[...]

 

Jamili-

 

Firstly, you are putting WAY too much stock into the stated excuse she clinged to for the breakup. It's as if it hasn't even occurred to you that you should take everything she said about that with a grain of salt. Learning relationship skills from experts who get their money not by selling "programs" but rather by selling their one-on-one advice has been a lot like learning about certain fitness truths: shysters complicate the topic in order to pad their product with fluff. The beautiful reality is that things are so often far simpler than we understand them to be.

 

There are patterns that can only be noticed through lots of study.

 

One of them is addressed by the OP. Women leave you when their attraction level falls. Human beings make decisions based on emotion and use logic and reason to back those decisions up. Doesn't matter if it's a 65-year-old man buying a used car or a 25-year-old woman deciding to dump her boyfriend.

 

If you had followed simple sexual polarity rules, your ex would never have left you over sustained contact with an ex. An example of following such a rule would have been to categorically deny the application if it were indeed false, to refuse to argue about it, to reassure her, and to never let her get under your skin. Being rock-solid and immovable, never getting upset, makes women feel safe. Obviously it's not easy to follow all of these rules all of the time. But if you do, you will not get dumped.

 

Secondly, you are still misunderstanding the distinction between moving on and ceasing to desire your ex sexually. One could completely ignore his ex the way one ignores commercial spam. In other words, if he was absolutely totally indifferent to her. If you're on an Internet forum talking about her, this does not apply to you. We don't even ignore strangers who make honest mistakes and text us at the wrong number. We tell them "sorry wrong number." If your ex has even the slightest reason to believe that she is still a significant person in your mind, I guarantee you, ignoring her texts makes you look bent out of shape over her. This would be especially true if she has any good reason to know that you would rather not have been dumped. The far better approach to communicate that you have moved on is to be polite and brief and then say "I gotta go, take care" if you are pissed or simply truly want to move on without her, or "I gotta go, keep in touch" if you are happy with things how they are, but if you at the same time would be just as happy to go hang out and have fun with her.

 

If you still want to hang out and have fun with your ex, it is important to know that you can project an attitude of having moved on while at the same time making no effort to hide the fact that you are still attracted to her. Being attracted to her is sexy TO her, so long as you are also believably masculine to the effect that you are self-assured, confident, happy, and impossible to upset. In other words, physically and emotionally SAFE for her to come back around without feeling like she will be judged or might lose her freedom to change her mind while she is deciding if she is comfortable being back in your presence. That is not the vibe you would be projecting by completely ignoring her texts.

 

Restated: give the ex the impression that you actually HAVE moved on by projecting the impression that you are HAPPY with things how they are, while simultaneously making it clear that you're not interested in hanging out with him or her as his or her buddy.

 

You are BUSY. You don't have time to waste on a member of the opposite sex you find to be attractive but are forbidden to touch. He/she reaches out? Respond within 12hrs, invite him or her over to your place in the evening, and if you do this twice and they decline, never bring it up again. Respond briefly and politely to all subsequent "breadcrumbs" but be the one to cut out of the conversation. Let HIM/HER bring it up.

[MeadowFlower]

Jamili-

 

Firstly, you are putting WAY too much stock into the stated excuse she clinged to for the breakup. It's as if it hasn't even occurred to you that you should take everything she said about that with a grain of salt. Learning relationship skills from experts who get their money not by selling "programs" but rather by selling their one-on-one advice has been a lot like learning about certain fitness truths: shysters complicate the topic in order to pad their product with fluff. The beautiful reality is that things are so often far simpler than we understand them to be.

 

There are patterns that can only be noticed through lots of study.

 

One of them is addressed by the OP. Women leave you when their attraction level falls. Human beings make decisions based on emotion and use logic and reason to back those decisions up. Doesn't matter if it's a 65-year-old man buying a used car or a 25-year-old woman deciding to dump her boyfriend.

 

If you had followed simple sexual polarity rules, your ex would never have left you over sustained contact with an ex. An example of following such a rule would have been to categorically deny the application if it were indeed false, to refuse to argue about it, to reassure her, and to never let her get under your skin. Being rock-solid and immovable, never getting upset, makes women feel safe. Obviously it's not easy to follow all of these rules all of the time. But if you do, you will not get dumped.

 

Secondly, you are still misunderstanding the distinction between moving on and ceasing to desire your ex sexually. One could completely ignore his ex the way one ignores commercial spam. In other words, if he was absolutely totally indifferent to her. If you're on an Internet forum talking about her, this does not apply to you. We don't even ignore strangers who make honest mistakes and text us at the wrong number. We tell them "sorry wrong number." If your ex has even the slightest reason to believe that she is still a significant person in your mind, I guarantee you, ignoring her texts makes you look bent out of shape over her. This would be especially true if she has any good reason to know that you would rather not have been dumped. The far better approach to communicate that you have moved on is to be polite and brief and then say "I gotta go, take care" if you are pissed or simply truly want to move on without her, or "I gotta go, keep in touch" if you are happy with things how they are, but if you at the same time would be just as happy to go hang out and have fun with her.

 

If you still want to hang out and have fun with your ex, it is important to know that you can project an attitude of having moved on while at the same time making no effort to hide the fact that you are still attracted to her. Being attracted to her is sexy TO her, so long as you are also believably masculine to the effect that you are self-assured, confident, happy, and impossible to upset. In other words, physically and emotionally SAFE for her to come back around without feeling like she will be judged or might lose her freedom to change her mind while she is deciding if she is comfortable being back in your presence. That is not the vibe you would be projecting by completely ignoring her texts.

 

Restated: give the ex the impression that you actually HAVE moved on by projecting the impression that you are HAPPY with things how they are, while simultaneously making it clear that you're not interested in hanging out with him or her as his or her buddy.

 

You are BUSY. You don't have time to waste on a member of the opposite sex you find to be attractive but are forbidden to touch. He/she reaches out? Respond within 12hrs, invite him or her over to your place in the evening, and if you do this twice and they decline, never bring it up again. Respond briefly and politely to all subsequent "breadcrumbs" but be the one to cut out of the conversation. Let HIM/HER bring it up.

Can I just jump in here and ask a question please. I know I'm not in the conversation lol. But in your opinion , does all that you have written apply to MALE DUMPERS also?

[Altair0770]

I will admit, "I miss you" is way more vulnerable of a breadcrumb than anything i ever got from my ex.

 

But, even if mine sent that, i dont know how i would respond. When you get dumped under accusation that you keep in contact with exes, and you swear up and down that you don't... and then when the dumper reaches out 4 months later and you respond and try to keep the conversation going/ask them out... what exactly do I look like in that scenario? Answer: a liar.

 

I can see responding with a "fu** off bi***" or a "omg i miss you too i think of you everyday you are my world" being indicative of not having moved on or not being over it. But ignoring the message or asking for clarity is simply asserting HEALTHY boundaries. I had no idea people consider having boundaries with exes to be a signal of being "butthurt". It has nothing to do with being hung up on the relationship, bitter, needy, etc. Its just called being an ADULT.

 

If Hunk had ignored her message, or even did what i did and give a firm response asking for clarity and asserting his boundaries... do you really think she would have run off and thought "omg he's totally not over it, still pining for me"? I just dont see how anyone could come to that conclusion. I would argue that shutting them out and not looking back is the MOST obvious indication that the dumpee has moved on. I would also argue that courting the ex or pursuing her at that point IS evidence that you have not moved on.

 

I guess it really just comes down to the kind of person who are. If you are the kind of person who considers "moving on" to include maintaining contact with all your exes as friends, then I suppose Hunk's way is for you. But if you are the kind of person that doesnt like to maintain contact with your exes, and completely leave that in the past, then maybe ignoring the crumbs are for you.

 

I just dont see how the ignore scenario can be perceived as hurt. I know what i did, politely asking my ex to stop contacting me unless there is meaningful discussion to be had, could be perceived as "hes still hurt" by some people... but really the only perception you should be worried about is your own. If you are the kind of person who believes it is immature and unhealthy to keep contact with exes, you shouldn't shelve that belief just to please the dumper because they think contact with exes is healthy. You have to stand up for what you believe in.

 

Maybe this is naive, but I would think standing up for what you believe in, and likewise standing up to a dumper who is sending you immature, ambiguous texts, will gain you the most respect from the dumper. Especially if you were needy during the relationship. Standing up for yourself, denying breadcrumbs, asserting boundaries and taking care of your own tail is about as independent and strong as it gets - in my mind.

 

I don't disagree, I was more so asking what people would do differently that would result in different results. If my ex were to send me breadcrumbs, I honestly don't know how I would react.

 

Maybe it would be F*** off you Narcissist W***e. I'd love to say that to her face as she cried. Maybe I'm a terrible person, but after what she did to me, I don't have any sympathy for her. But then again, I'm not fully recovered yet from the breakup.

 

Maybe I would say "don't contact me if you don't have anything meaningful".

 

Maybe I'd say "bring your favorite dress and let's skype".

 

Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. I honestly don't know. All I know is for now, I don't expect to ever have her reach out to me since she did catch me calling her a w***e (and I don't have any regrets). IF she did reach out to me, I would likely ignore it for a few hours and get my best friend to assist it. However, in my current state, despite how much I despise my ex for what she did to me, I would be open for reconciliation, where as he wouldn't dare let me enter her life again. I know if she was up for reconciliation, I wouldn't dare give up any power and would make her work for it.

 

Bottom line is Hunk has got results, and many of us here are still wondering why our exes left us and don't want to reconcile.

[jamili]

If you had followed simple sexual polarity rules, your ex would never have left you over sustained contact with an ex. An example of following such a rule would have been to categorically deny the application if it were indeed false, to refuse to argue about it, to reassure her, and to never let her get under your skin. Being rock-solid and immovable, never getting upset, makes women feel safe. Obviously it's not easy to follow all of these rules all of the time. But if you do, you will not get dumped.

I actually did this, during the breakup. I ended up sitting her down, explaining to her calmly and confidently that I agree it's a good idea that we break up, since she is insecure about my past, refuses to trust me, and that I didn't desire to be in a relationship with someone who can't trust my word.

 

It definitely shook her up when I did this, but it never changed her mind.

 

BUT- if I had entertained her communication and breadcrumbs... is there any better proof she needs that I did, in fact, keep communication with my ex after that previous breakup? Would there be any better closure that I do keep contact with exes than that field-tested proof?

 

She falsely accused me of having bad boundaries with exes. Her words "you should ignore exes when they contact you. If you don't, you have terrible boundaries and I would have never dated you had I known your boundaries were so weak".

 

Wouldn't answering her texts just confirm all that?

 

Also, you are forgetting the possibility that she was contacting me for other reasons than to reconcile. What if she just wanted to get a nice ego boost knowing that I would STILL respond to her, MONTHS later, upon command - like a well behaved puppy. I don't care how happy and jolly I am, I'm still answering her, which proves she still has control over me in some way. How is that proving I'm totally over her?

 

You and I are different. I don't keep in touch with exes when I'm over them, I cut them out. I don't respond to strangers who accidentally call me by mistake, either. I don't think casually chit-chatting with exes is the epitome of having "moved on". I think the epitome of having moved on, is totally carving them out of my life, and severing the strings. My ex claimed to be like this too... now she knows I'm not BSing about my stance on this. Frankly, I think it's healthy to cut ties with exes, but I understand not everyone agrees.

 

In my opinion, I don't care if you are the man, or the woman - the dumper has the responsibility to patch up the relationship if they want back in. She doesn't want to risk her emotions and wants to feel safe? Look, if my ex doesn't want to risk her emotions for me and a get a little vulnerable, then I must not mean that much to her in the grand scheme of things. Until I mean that much to her, any relationship is doomed, because she will bail again at the next paranoid delusion that pops into her head.

 

Speaking of that... you are totally disregarding the main issue here. You absolutely CANNOT just go "Welp lets forget that other relationship ever happened and start anew" in a situation like this. There are MAJOR trust issues at play. Major insecurity problems, and commitment issues that NEED to be addressed. She needs to confront me like an adult, and we need to work through those issues and discuss those problems like mature people, if there is going to be any sort of reconciliation. I don't want a 2 week fling with an ex, that ends once the problems resurface. I want the long term deal. That means we would have to work through ALL problems that caused the breakup in the first place, not ignore them! You can't just forget about the old relationship. If this was a simple GIGS situation, maybe. But this was absolutely NOT that kind of situation.

 

I don't care if you are a woman, or a man, reasonable people need to TALK through problems and work them out. This is not a relationship between two teenagers. We are educated, professional adults, and I refuse to entertain a relationship with someone who cannot have an adult, mature conversation and work through problems like reasonable, level-headed people. You can't use "she's a woman, so... BIOLOGY" as an excuse that she gets to avoid reasonable, adult communication. If she's too much of an emotional mess to discuss topics like an adult, or too afraid of "risking her emotions" with me, then this isn't going to work. I've had other LTRs with women who have no problem at all discussing how they feel, risking her emotions, or having mature, adult conversations with their S.O. in order to work through problems.

 

EDIT: For the record- I did do the casual/polite indifference thing for 4 months following that breakup. Up until the last thing i said to her about meaningful communication, i did exactly what you are suggesting. I didnt do the ignore thing. I responded with casual, but friendly indifference. Like I was totally happy and moved on. The result? Each time i did that, she would evaporate for about a month, and just disappear. This happened for months. Never once did i get an "i miss you" or anything even slightly vulnerable like that. This is what prompted me to finally have to cut her off... because the casual indifference thing was going absolutely nowhere.

Edited April 5, 2017 by jamili

[whatnot]

jamili....

 

I apologize if I took something you said out of context. I've admitted to not reading the whole thread, just the OP's post. And...what his post tells me is...He believes he can have an intimate 3 year relationship with another human being and one week is necessary to heal with 12 weeks' time being ancient history (emotionally speaking).

 

I maintain, if what he is says is true for him, he wasn't as invested in the relationship as his partner probably was. (sounds as if that's the cause of the breakup). IF this is the case, he has more power in that relationship than she does. I'm not saying she hasn't the power to control her actions. I'm saying it's more difficult for her than for him. (emotionally speaking, she's carrying more load).

 

In every relationship, each partner has a certain amount of power. This power wafts and wanes....back and forth. This is not the sigh of a bad relationship. The sign of a bad relationship (or unhealthy, at least at the time it's occurring) is when one or both partners are unsatisfied with the amount of (emotional) power they have in the relation to the other and they cannot reconcile this imbalance.

 

(and fwiw....I never believe anyone when they tell me a few weeks after a long term relationship is terminated that they're completely over it). My take? The OP wasn't as over her as he'd like to believe. Either that, or he's fine with using her. He wrote in his post he's over her but to bring the undies and wine. He admitted that he would not tell her of his true feelings (over her) unless "it came up". Where I come from.....there's more than one way to use someone. His "ex" g/f is getting ready to learn that lesson. One man's opinion.

 

edit: Maybe I shouldn't have taken one snippet out of your post to make a point.. esp. when one doesn't understand the context.

Edited April 5, 2017 by whatnot

[bluefeather]

Our ex should come back, taking all responsibility, crying and begging for us back and telling us how much they love us. This does not happen.

 

Yes, it does. Not always, but sometimes.

 

I think you have learned a lot and are speaking like you have at least gained a lot of knowledge about this situation, but I don't think that gives you the ability to apply it to all situations. There are some things that I will disagree with you on, but I still like a lot of what you wrote, so thank you for sharing your perspective.

[hunk]

Jesus, this blew up fast.

 

Will give a quick update now as I'm on my phone, will do a decent post when I get to my computer.

 

So she came over last night. She was acting very cold/distant and hesitant. I was my normal self and made us dinner and we sat down and had wine. I did not mention the relationship whatsoever. This was irritating her and I knew she wanted me to address it. We kissed and afferwards she started to immediately bring up our relationship. I looked at her and something inside me told me this wasn't right and she is far too hurt and emotionally unstable for things to ever work. She was looking at me with almost desperation. I told her that I wouldn't be able to give her the relationship she was after but I cared for her very much and valued her and appreciated what we had. She started to cry and I felt like complete ****. She tried to escalate us going into my bedroom but I saw this for what it was and said it wasn't the best idea.

 

She ended up getting really, really drunk and slept in my bed with me. We didn't have sex. We kissed and cuddled again in the morning and she left for work, and we said goodbye at my door with another long kiss and hug and she cried again.

 

not too sure how to feel but I think I've done the right thing. She wanted something from me I just can't seem to give anyone , I don't think I'm capable of relationships

[guest569]

Jesus, this blew up fast.

 

Will give a quick update now as I'm on my phone, will do a decent post when I get to my computer.

 

So she came over last night. She was acting very cold/distant and hesitant. I was my normal self and made us dinner and we sat down and had wine. I did not mention the relationship whatsoever. This was irritating her and I knew she wanted me to address it. We kissed and afferwards she started to immediately bring up our relationship. I looked at her and something inside me told me this wasn't right and she is far too hurt and emotionally unstable for things to ever work. She was looking at me with almost desperation. I told her that I wouldn't be able to give her the relationship she was after but I cared for her very much and valued her and appreciated what we had. She started to cry and I felt like complete ****. She tried to escalate us going into my bedroom but I saw this for what it was and said it wasn't the best idea.

 

She ended up getting really, really drunk and slept in my bed with me. We didn't have sex. We kissed and cuddled again in the morning and she left for work, and we said goodbye at my door with another long kiss and hug and she cried again.

 

not too sure how to feel but I think I've done the right thing. She wanted something from me I just can't seem to give anyone , I don't think I'm capable of relationships

 

Surely you knew all of this?? I agree with what someone said previously about ego.

 

You absolutely did the wrong thing. You have completely led her on and caused her more pain. Damn.. I feel for her.

[BryanSmiley]

Jesus, this blew up fast.

 

Will give a quick update now as I'm on my phone, will do a decent post when I get to my computer.

 

So she came over last night. She was acting very cold/distant and hesitant. I was my normal self and made us dinner and we sat down and had wine. I did not mention the relationship whatsoever. This was irritating her and I knew she wanted me to address it. We kissed and afferwards she started to immediately bring up our relationship. I looked at her and something inside me told me this wasn't right and she is far too hurt and emotionally unstable for things to ever work. She was looking at me with almost desperation. I told her that I wouldn't be able to give her the relationship she was after but I cared for her very much and valued her and appreciated what we had. She started to cry and I felt like complete ****. She tried to escalate us going into my bedroom but I saw this for what it was and said it wasn't the best idea.

 

She ended up getting really, really drunk and slept in my bed with me. We didn't have sex. We kissed and cuddled again in the morning and she left for work, and we said goodbye at my door with another long kiss and hug and she cried again.

 

not too sure how to feel but I think I've done the right thing. She wanted something from me I just can't seem to give anyone , I don't think I'm capable of relationships

 

It’s pretty impressive how you’ve come to recover, are happy, moved on. But from some of your later posts I think you’ve over egged it. How on earth can you feel that you’ve done the right thing. You had the full knowledge that you wouldn’t give her another shot at a relationship, you knew she wanted that, and you indicated you were willing to be around her and more casually be intimate despite all this. Of course that was going to give you a possible ego boost, and really upset her.

 

And it only occurred to your right at the last minute and being presented with her tears, to which (you held off sex at least) you’d kinda been intimate again and she had to go through sleeping next to you, saying farewell in the morning in tears again, to even slightly realise this. Still you don’t seem to express much regret.

 

Sorry dude, you were right to not have full on sex, but surely you recognise now that this meet-up wasn’t necessarily healthy for both parties. You didn’t even need the ego or psychological boost.

[Cookies101]

Jesus, this blew up fast.

 

Will give a quick update now as I'm on my phone, will do a decent post when I get to my computer.

 

So she came over last night. She was acting very cold/distant and hesitant. I was my normal self and made us dinner and we sat down and had wine. I did not mention the relationship whatsoever. This was irritating her and I knew she wanted me to address it. We kissed and afferwards she started to immediately bring up our relationship. I looked at her and something inside me told me this wasn't right and she is far too hurt and emotionally unstable for things to ever work. She was looking at me with almost desperation. I told her that I wouldn't be able to give her the relationship she was after but I cared for her very much and valued her and appreciated what we had. She started to cry and I felt like complete ****. She tried to escalate us going into my bedroom but I saw this for what it was and said it wasn't the best idea.

 

She ended up getting really, really drunk and slept in my bed with me. We didn't have sex. We kissed and cuddled again in the morning and she left for work, and we said goodbye at my door with another long kiss and hug and she cried again.

 

not too sure how to feel but I think I've done the right thing. She wanted something from me I just can't seem to give anyone , I don't think I'm capable of relationships

 

I don't think you should have let her come over.

 

Very irresponsible of you!

[lana-banana]

Hunk,

 

I have been around these boards long enough to remember your previous posts about this girl, and your relatively rocky relationship. I have also been around these boards long enough to recall how eloquently you wrote about being emotionally numb. You, perhaps more than anyone else here, understand what it's like to be indifferent and unable to engage; you describe boredom, impulsiveness, a kind of metaphorical treading water, struggling yet unwilling to form a real connection. You are every serious relationship-minded woman's worst nightmare. And you know it.

 

I liked your initial post because I thought you were making some kind of progress, or at least attempting to communicate with her in your own reliably macho way. Apparently not. What did to this poor girl was atrocious and beyond the pale. It is a devastating thing to do to someone who cares so much. Can you imagine how excited she must have been when she thought you would reconcile? The kindest thing you could do is apologize and block her out of your life for good.

 

It seems you stayed in this relationship as long as you did because it was easy, you were bored, and liked the attention. I'm sure you care about her on some level but you never described an attachment strong enough to suggest she was really the one for you. Instead you just beat yourself up constantly for pushing her away and not caring more. It was an unhealthy cycle from the start.

 

I don't think you're permanently damaged. It's very likely you will​ someday meet someone who captivated you on every level, someone who makes you want to be the best man in the world and slam a ring on it so fast your head spins. Unfortunately, if you don't develop some serious empathy and learn how to treat people you're guaranteed to ruin that too. And however bad you're feeling right now, that's going to be much, much worse.

[hunk]

I thought I did the right thing by not sleeping with her and explicitly telling her it wouldn't work out. Keep in mind we hadn't seen eachother since I walked out of her house in a rage. She hasn't had any "closure" so to speak. I also wanted to see first hand if there were any emotions there on my side, if seeing her would reignite wanting to be with her, but they just weren't there. I can understand how me inviting her over seems "cruel", but keep in mind I myself wasn't even completely sure she wanted to reconcile. She also never explicitly said she wanted to reconcile last night - she might've just been there to sleep with me or something, I sort of beat her to it and we had a good talk about why it wouldn't work out and we still enjoyed ourselves but yeah she was very emotional and seemed very angry at me most of the night.

 

When she dumped me she seemed very much done with me - that was the impression I got, she threw out the "I really want to be friends" line and to me that is the death knell - I have enough experience to know what this means, and in my mind the moment those words came out of her mouth I knew it was done and dusted and she was emotionally finished. So when I invited her over all I really had to go by was an "I miss you" which in contrast to all the abuse and friend-zone rhetoric she hurled at me over the phone was confusing. Deep in my heart I knew she wanted me on some level which I obviously why I made this thread, but I can't be certain she wanted a relationship again.

 

She told me that she "hates herself" for being "drawn to me" and that she doesn't "think she loves me" but "feels like" she does and "wishes that would go away".

 

She also told me after the breakup she was basically waiting for me to contact her, because all her friends told her I would, that her best friend who just dumped her boyfriend had him crawling back after a few weeks, and that she shouldn't reach out, she expected me to beg for her back and then went "insane" when I didn't. (I also assume she slept with other people during this time, which just further turns me off and reinforces that we can never be together again). Anyway that's a little gem right there for you guys in NC I suppose.

 

Thanks lana, you've been a constant source of good advice throughout my ... how do I say ... relationship journeys:D:D:D:lmao:. I say these things about being "broken" because as you already know this wasn't an exclusive thing to this one ex - it is the repeating pattern in all of my relationships, and these are girls who I genuinely really do like. I just do not seem to attach or invest on a level that facilitates a healthy relationship and then I'm left feeling like dirt when the girl inevitably leaves after the golden period of 2.5-3 years, then they come back after a few months and it's like I'm the dumper and end up bearing the pain of being dumped and then dumping:laugh:. Every. Single. Time.

[Altair0770]

 

 

She also told me after the breakup she was basically waiting for me to contact her, because all her friends told her I would, that her best friend who just dumped her boyfriend had him crawling back after a few weeks, and that she shouldn't reach out, she expected me to beg for her back and then went "insane" when I didn't.

 

Oh this made me laugh. How long did it take? 3 months?

[jamili]

Hunk - im sorry it worked out that way. I dont think you necessarily did a bad thing, other than telling her to bring "wine and a dress", which to me signals you are interested still. I think meeting up to determine if feelings are still there was a good thing, but you should just been more neutral abouy it e.g. "lets meet for coffee tomorrow". That would have been wayyyyy better imo. Well... at least now you know how you feel. Maybe you should just be single for a long while and figure yourself out before entering into any more relationships.

 

Now, ive slept on the things you said, and the discussions in this thread. I understand your point and i do think, under normal circumstances, this is a fine plan.

 

However, i still dont think its universally applicable. I believe for there to be attraction, there must also be respect. You say attraction is the building block for any relationship, but i think that's only half true, because the other building block is respect. Ive learned in life that people will only respect you, if you respect yourself.

 

In my case, my ex snooped deep onto my hard drive when i was at work, found an old photo of me and my ex before her, with a date posted on it that was 9 months before this ex and i ever met. She got concerned because the date i told her that i broke up with that ex (i was the dumper then), was 12 months prior to us meeting. She hid the photo from me and started grilling me on it, to try to trap me in a lie. I honestly couldnt recall the photo, and since we had been together for almost a decade, and took maybe a billion photos, i just couldn't recall it. She dumped me, kicked me out of our place, cost me thousands of dollars in moving costs, furniture costs. She told me she "promises" me ill fail a big academic test i had coming up, trashed my career for being worthless (environmental law practice), told me she suspects ive never accomplished anything in my life on my own - that instead my ex did it all for me since im so worthless, and told me she thinks im a lying, cheating snake and to never communicate with her again. She also said she thinks im still seeing my ex before her on the sneak, and that ill "nevr stop communicating with her, since you lack the capability to cut contact with an ex - you are too weak". She also trashed my friends, told me my sister and mother were "weak, dependent women", and a bunch of other stuff i cant even remember now.

 

Mind you... this is ALL baseless. None of that **** was true, and never in a million years has anyone judged me in that way lol. I'm an independent, hardworking legal professional, ive been living alone on the other side of the country since graduating law school, making by on my own. I come from a family that doesnt have a lot of money, ive never been helped or assisted, everything ive accomplished was done on my own. I still have NO idea how she came to such crazy off-base conclusions about me after being together for about a year, and living together.

 

You can see how that stuff could be hurtful. At first i played the "cool collected" card and didnt let it get under my skin. As i told King earlier, after she dumped me i explained i thought it was for the best, and that im not lying to her and all that she said is very inaccurate, but that if she wants to leave thats fine, and i cant be in a relationship without trust.

 

She breadcrumbed me 20 texts a day until i moved out of there. I acted as cool and calm as you could ever imagine. I truly am one to let most things roll off me, so it wasnt that hard - but inside i was hurting because i loved her and she seemed to flip a switch overnight. I ended up finding that photo, and i calmly explained to her that we had tickets to an event before we broke up, and we were simply going to attend and be civil, as it was a bucketlist thing for us both and the tickets were expensive, and yes, it looks like we took a photo at the event. She had a meltdown again and said its very sick and ****ed up that i even had any communication whatsoever, tickets or not, and that i should have ignored her forever and cut the ties way earlier than that.

 

She stil breadcrumbed me after i moved out. Daily. Eventually she asked to see my new place. She had been asking since the day of the breakup, and i had repeatedly said no. This time, I agreed, and said sure. Within hours she flipped it all around and cancelled. Told me its a bad idea, we should never EVER communicate again unless we absolutely have to. I agreed to the terms. She kept breadcrumbing me still. Eventually, and this is the one emotional slipup i had, i told her that ironically her excessive contact was wayyyy more than my ex before her andi ever had, called her a hyprocrit, called her out on all her trust, commitment, and abanonment issues, and told her to stop contacting me so i could move on. She went ghost.

 

Then it was the monthly breadcrumbs, random stuff. Never an i miss you or anything about the relationship.

 

Now, over these months ive given what went down a lot of thought. Never once did she apologize for all the hurtful things she said. Never once did she admit i did not lie, or apologize for calling me a liar. Never once did she express any concern for my well being. Ahe talked to me in horrible ways during the breakup, and i let it all slide becsuse she had never been anything but the sweetest girl in the world before this... hell we didnt even fight ever. We both treated each other very kindly and respectfully throughout the relationship, so this was all out of the blue. I figured her paranoia and insecurity got the best of her, and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and talk it out calmly and civilly. Each time i tried this during the breakup, it pushed her further and further away, she had no desire to work things out - she appeared to have moved on instantly. She never shed a single tear like yours did.

 

Now upon my reflection ive learned that i was wayyyyy too relaxed about it all. I let it bounce off me, when i really should have stood up to her and told her to go ##$% herself when she trashed me. I should have been less passive and laid back, and put my foot down and asserted myself to her. These are mistakes i think i made that shows her i have little self respect, so naturally she wouldn't want to be in a relationship anymore, right?

 

So this time, when she breadcrumbed me this last time... i was done being mr. Laid back nice guy. I put my foot down, told her to come clean about the meaning behind the contact - and if there is meanibg behind it, to proceed. But if not, to please respect my boundaries and no longer contact me for chit chat. I said it as calmly and politely as possible.

 

Frankly, i should be wayyyy more "butthurt" and pissed at her than i am. If she wants me to continue keeping in contact to see how much resolve and strength i have, because i can still entertain someone in a friendly manner who insulted me as a person... she surely must have see. That by now. Eventually, i had to cut the string, she wasnt making a move, and i will NOT make any moves before getting an apology... maybe old-jamili would... but new, healed jamili will never take that crap again, and im not going to be her friendly doormat chat-friend without an apology.

 

She clearly didnt respect me at the end. And i clearly showed little respect for myself by not standing up to her. She even called me out on it at one point at the end - said im afraid of conflict so i hold back how i really feel, to please her. So, i took the last opportunity to show i changed. I stood up to her, asserted my boundaries, and said what i felt. I showed i finally respect myself. No selfrespecting man would ever accept breadcrumbs from someone who insulted them in such a way, with no apology. So now... i know she ghosted rightafter... but at least she knows i respect myself and i wont take her ****.

 

 

That's my reason for not agreeing with your theory. I dont think it applies to everyone.

Edited April 5, 2017 by jamili

[jamili]

Oh this made me laugh. How long did it take? 3 months?

 

That part was alarming to me. She wants to see him beg?? To sufffer??? So she can shoot him down again?

 

This girl doesnt love him is my guess. She's extremely immature and, frankly, demented for wanting that.