Ex Has Come Back To Me - Some Thoughts for Everyone Here

[whatdeww18]

I thought I did the right thing by not sleeping with her and explicitly telling her it wouldn't work out. Keep in mind we hadn't seen eachother since I walked out of her house in a rage. She hasn't had any "closure" so to speak. I also wanted to see first hand if there were any emotions there on my side, if seeing her would reignite wanting to be with her, but they just weren't there. I can understand how me inviting her over seems "cruel", but keep in mind I myself wasn't even completely sure she wanted to reconcile. She also never explicitly said she wanted to reconcile last night - she might've just been there to sleep with me or something, I sort of beat her to it and we had a good talk about why it wouldn't work out and we still enjoyed ourselves but yeah she was very emotional and seemed very angry at me most of the night.

 

When she dumped me she seemed very much done with me - that was the impression I got, she threw out the "I really want to be friends" line and to me that is the death knell - I have enough experience to know what this means, and in my mind the moment those words came out of her mouth I knew it was done and dusted and she was emotionally finished. So when I invited her over all I really had to go by was an "I miss you" which in contrast to all the abuse and friend-zone rhetoric she hurled at me over the phone was confusing. Deep in my heart I knew she wanted me on some level which I obviously why I made this thread, but I can't be certain she wanted a relationship again.

 

She told me that she "hates herself" for being "drawn to me" and that she doesn't "think she loves me" but "feels like" she does and "wishes that would go away".

 

She also told me after the breakup she was basically waiting for me to contact her, because all her friends told her I would, that her best friend who just dumped her boyfriend had him crawling back after a few weeks, and that she shouldn't reach out, she expected me to beg for her back and then went "insane" when I didn't. (I also assume she slept with other people during this time, which just further turns me off and reinforces that we can never be together again). Anyway that's a little gem right there for you guys in NC I suppose.

 

Thanks lana, you've been a constant source of good advice throughout my ... how do I say ... relationship journeys:D:D:D:lmao:. I say these things about being "broken" because as you already know this wasn't an exclusive thing to this one ex - it is the repeating pattern in all of my relationships, and these are girls who I genuinely really do like. I just do not seem to attach or invest on a level that facilitates a healthy relationship and then I'm left feeling like dirt when the girl inevitably leaves after the golden period of 2.5-3 years, then they come back after a few months and it's like I'm the dumper and end up bearing the pain of being dumped and then dumping:laugh:. Every. Single. Time.

 

Hunk, I'm wishing you the best in your journey of relationships. Lana could not have put it better and it's so interesting that you understand that you have this pattern in your relationships but can't seem to break it.

 

I also want to point out why so many posters say not to hold out hope that your ex will have this revelation that they want to be with you again and made some huge mistake. That is essentially what Hunk's ex's friend was telling her would happen. It didn't happen. Hunk does not want to be in a committed relationship. Doesn't make him a bad person. So, where does this leave his ex? Destroyed by the hope instilled by her friend when she heard Hunk say he can't give her the relationship she wants.

 

That part was alarming to me. She wants to see him beg?? To sufffer??? So she can shoot him down again?

 

This girl doesnt love him is my guess. She's extremely immature and, frankly, demented for wanting that.

 

I can't put words in Hunk's ex's mouth, but from what was put... It sounds like she knew he wasn't being committed, and this break up would serve to allow him to self-reflect and realize he would commit to her. (Sounds manipulative, not sure if it was intentional or not).

 

Would have to agree with immature. If she were mature, she would have moved on and attempted to find someone who will commit. Not all advice is the same: Take each bit with LARGE grains of salt. Some may come back to bite you in the butt, like the false hope instilled by Hunk's ex's friend.

[SevenCity]

I personally don't think Hunk did anything wrong. Despite the ex wanting a committed RL that Hunk (with his admitted avoidant attachment style cannot give) she decided to leave him.

 

Furthermore, she was quite content to string him along as a friend so she could ween herself off of him like many dumpers want to do. Expecting him to come crawling back after a few months.

 

She didn't say I want Hunk back. She said I missed you. He made an offer for her to come over with no pretense of a RL. His offer was for sex. She accepted. He did not mislead her in anyway. He did not make any promises he didn't keep, he just offered her to come over.

 

I wish I had an attachment style like Hunk where I could compartmentalize feelings and get over a LTR in a few weeks time. I don't unfortunately.

 

I also give him props for not having sex with her. I would have.

 

Hunk was obviously attached to her but her actions killed it. He gave her a chance and likely would have pursued if he had feelings but he didn't. She went out and presumably slept with other guys and didn't find something as good so she came back.

 

I really wonder if the genders were reversed if people would be as harsh.

 

The moral of the story is they sometimes come back, but it's almost always too late.

[Blanco]

She didn't say I want Hunk back. She said I missed you. He made an offer for her to come over with no pretense of a RL. His offer was for sex. She accepted. He did not mislead her in anyway. He did not make any promises he didn't keep, he just offered her to come over.

 

Oh, get real. Let's not be naive and act as though most people in this situation wouldn't assume that some physical and emotional intimacy was a prelude to something more.

 

I wish I had an attachment style like Hunk where I could compartmentalize feelings and get over a LTR in a few weeks time. I don't unfortunately.

 

So you'd prefer to be an empty husk of a person emotionally just so you could get over breakups faster? Sounds like a pretty uneven trade-off to me. Sure, you can "move on" quickly, but relationships become less fulfilling and take on the characteristics of some lame business transaction.

[Sweetfish]

I thought I did the right thing by not sleeping with her and explicitly telling her it wouldn't work out. Keep in mind we hadn't seen eachother since I walked out of her house in a rage. She hasn't had any "closure" so to speak. I also wanted to see first hand if there were any emotions there on my side, if seeing her would reignite wanting to be with her, but they just weren't there. I can understand how me inviting her over seems "cruel", but keep in mind I myself wasn't even completely sure she wanted to reconcile. She also never explicitly said she wanted to reconcile last night - she might've just been there to sleep with me or something, I sort of beat her to it and we had a good talk about why it wouldn't work out and we still enjoyed ourselves but yeah she was very emotional and seemed very angry at me most of the night.

 

When she dumped me she seemed very much done with me - that was the impression I got, she threw out the "I really want to be friends" line and to me that is the death knell - I have enough experience to know what this means, and in my mind the moment those words came out of her mouth I knew it was done and dusted and she was emotionally finished. So when I invited her over all I really had to go by was an "I miss you" which in contrast to all the abuse and friend-zone rhetoric she hurled at me over the phone was confusing. Deep in my heart I knew she wanted me on some level which I obviously why I made this thread, but I can't be certain she wanted a relationship again.

 

She told me that she "hates herself" for being "drawn to me" and that she doesn't "think she loves me" but "feels like" she does and "wishes that would go away".

 

She also told me after the breakup she was basically waiting for me to contact her, because all her friends told her I would, that her best friend who just dumped her boyfriend had him crawling back after a few weeks, and that she shouldn't reach out, she expected me to beg for her back and then went "insane" when I didn't. (I also assume she slept with other people during this time, which just further turns me off and reinforces that we can never be together again). Anyway that's a little gem right there for you guys in NC I suppose.

 

Thanks lana, you've been a constant source of good advice throughout my ... how do I say ... relationship journeys:D:D:D:lmao:. I say these things about being "broken" because as you already know this wasn't an exclusive thing to this one ex - it is the repeating pattern in all of my relationships, and these are girls who I genuinely really do like. I just do not seem to attach or invest on a level that facilitates a healthy relationship and then I'm left feeling like dirt when the girl inevitably leaves after the golden period of 2.5-3 years, then they come back after a few months and it's like I'm the dumper and end up bearing the pain of being dumped and then dumping:laugh:. Every. Single. Time.

 

The way you expressed your post gave many members here the illusion you simply recovered your ex by N.C. and the death of all relationships lies in the hands of the dumpee. This is just a false. Your post are also a polar opposite of your previous thread stating you didn't care if you had sex with your girlfriend because you knew you could get it elsewhere.. Your girlfriend dumped you because you just did not care about her and took her for granted. You forced her to dump you. You were light years away from being needy or clingy... so why offer this advice?

 

Now did your exe say you would crawl and beg back or did she explain a story about her friends relationship..

 

Again... you are ultimately the dumper here... not her.

She begged for you back.. you rejected her.

 

 

See i think your using a play on words...

 

One minute you talk about courting the dumper and now your pretty much saying and doing the reverse..

[Migraine Boy]

Hi ya'll. New here.

 

Does this site have PMs? I'd like to hit up a couple of you off the boards, if that's allowed

 

Thanks

[SevenCity]

Oh, get real. Let's not be naive and act as though most people in this situation wouldn't assume that some physical and emotional intimacy was a prelude to something more.

 

 

 

So you'd prefer to be an empty husk of a person emotionally just so you could get over breakups faster? Sounds like a pretty uneven trade-off to me. Sure, you can "move on" quickly, but relationships become less fulfilling and take on the characteristics of some lame business transaction.

 

So you have license to assume what she was thinking? She left for three months, banged other guys, then sends an "I miss you text". That was all she needed to do for him to jump back in?

 

I bet his reaction would have been different if she was more direct. He seems to be more empathetic than I would in my situation.

 

Sex with an ex doesn't mean reconciliation- I had sex with mine for 3 months and it apparently meant nothing to her.

 

And yes, if I could have spared myself the pain not only of my recent ex, but the others who hurt me I would do it in a hot second. Although fully healed to the point of apathy from prior exes, I still remember the pain I endured. Especially when I experienced it again.

 

I love it when people say "It's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". I agree with the words of Tommy Lee Jones in the MIB movie "Oh yeah? Try it"

 

As much as you think most people fully recover from heartbreak, they never really do. It becomes a part of you and changes who you are as a person. Doesn't mean you don't go on and have other RLs, but you cease to be the person you were prior.

 

She hurt him by leaving and I don't think he is the dumper in thais case. Sucks when you're on the business end of it, huh?

[AT15]

Hunk is the classic emotionally unavailable man.

[jamili]

As much as you think most people fully recover from heartbreak, they never really do. It becomes a part of you and changes who you are as a person. Doesn't mean you don't go on and have other RLs, but you cease to be the person you were prior.

 

 

 

This couldn't be more true.

 

You were light years away from being needy or clingy... so why offer this advice?

 

True. More proof that not all relationships fail because the man becomes needy/clingy and causes her to lose sexual attraction to him. Also refutes King's point that a woman will never dump you as long as you stay nonchalant and emotionally passive. In this case, she probably still was sexually attracted to you and that had nothing to do with it, she just felt she wasn't getting enough love and affection from you. In fact, being more "clingy" might have even helped you out here. Interestingly, replying to her breadcrumb with "i miss you too" or even showing that you are hurting might have been a good thing... as she would known that you did love her.

Edited April 5, 2017 by jamili

[Blanco]

So you have license to assume what she was thinking? She left for three months, banged other guys, then sends an "I miss you text". That was all she needed to do for him to jump back in?

 

I bet his reaction would have been different if she was more direct. He seems to be more empathetic than I would in my situation.

 

Reading his other thread about this relationship, it's clear he was not emotionally available during the relationship and incapable of meeting her emotional needs nor was he willing to change that.

 

Ultimately, it's better that the OP turned her down rather than starting back up again, because it's a safe bet that these problems would only emerge again. They aren't a good fit. Truthfully, the OP is not a good fit with anyone who wants more out of a relationship than physical companionship and to get laid.

 

She certainly holds responsibility for trying to go back, but having been with an EUA person before, I empathize with her that getting entangled with an emotionally vacant person is such a hard trap to break free of.

 

Sex with an ex doesn't mean reconciliation- I had sex with mine for 3 months and it apparently meant nothing to her.

 

How did that make you feel? No doubt you thought her hooking up with you was a good sign that she would want to reconcile, right?

 

I wasn't saying that sex with an ex leads to reconciliation. I'm saying that often times, it creates false hope for something more in one of the two people, and rightfully so.

 

And yes, if I could have spared myself the pain not only of my recent ex, but the others who hurt me I would do it in a hot second. Although fully healed to the point of apathy from prior exes, I still remember the pain I endured. Especially when I experienced it again.

 

I love it when people say "It's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". I agree with the words of Tommy Lee Jones in the MIB movie "Oh yeah? Try it"

 

The agony of heartbreak fades with time and while I don't enjoy it nor am I eager to experience it again any time soon, I can't say I totally regret it. Some of my greatest growth as a person and as a man has come in wake of my breakups. I can guarantee you that such growth would've either not happened or paled by comparison had I simply been able to shrug off the breakup and move on as if nothing had happened.

 

Breakups are no fun, but the people who fail to seize that opportunities for personal growth that often come with the breakups sure do miss out. Some people who are so hyper focused on stuffing down any bad feelings and "moving on" to the next one ASAP just end up repeating the same mistakes, lacking much introspection, and then bemoaning how all guys/women are the same.

 

As much as you think most people fully recover from heartbreak, they never really do. It becomes a part of you and changes who you are as a person. Doesn't mean you don't go on and have other RLs, but you cease to be the person you were prior.

 

She hurt him by leaving and I don't think he is the dumper in thais case. Sucks when you're on the business end of it, huh?

 

I don't disagree with that, but you can say the same thing about losing a loved one to death. It doesn't mean the relationship, the bond, and the memories you experienced with that person were worthless. I have found that those who are emotionally unavailable tend not to have my strong relationships (not just romantic) of real substance. They may have lots of buddies and superficial bonds with people, but they lack those relationships that really enrich a life.

[BryanSmiley]

Oh, get real. Let's not be naive and act as though most people in this situation wouldn't assume that some physical and emotional intimacy was a prelude to something more.

 

So you'd prefer to be an empty husk of a person emotionally just so you could get over breakups faster? Sounds like a pretty uneven trade-off to me. Sure, you can "move on" quickly, but relationships become less fulfilling and take on the characteristics of some lame business transaction.

 

As harsh as this sounds, I agree somewhat. However hunk..I was probably slightly harsh before, you did do well to resist having sex with her. It’s a grey issue. I supposed I just find it odd how emotionally detached you can be. It’s frustrating to me because I found similarities in the woman I was dating, which oddly enough I find quite emasculating. In any case regardless of gender, I can’t comprehend how people can compartmentalise emotions with someone they’ve come to spend so much time with. In some respects it’s good, but I’m definitely on the opposite end of the spectrum.

 

Sex with an ex doesn't mean reconciliation- I had sex with mine for 3 months and it apparently meant nothing to her.

 

And yes, if I could have spared myself the pain not only of my recent ex, but the others who hurt me I would do it in a hot second. Although fully healed to the point of apathy from prior exes, I still remember the pain I endured. Especially when I experienced it again.

 

I love it when people say "It's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all". I agree with the words of Tommy Lee Jones in the MIB movie "Oh yeah? Try it"

 

As much as you think most people fully recover from heartbreak, they never really do. It becomes a part of you and changes who you are as a person. Doesn't mean you don't go on and have other RLs, but you cease to be the person you were prior.

 

She hurt him by leaving and I don't think he is the dumper in thais case. Sucks when you're on the business end of it, huh?

 

I continued to have sex with an ex on/off for several months (relationship was 4 years). It was a seesaw of my wanting her back and it meaning more to me, to eventually it meaningless to me and more to her, her wanting me back. I then walked away and felt like the dumper. I guess in a way I was for that mini 2nd round.

 

It’s a dangerous game.

[hunk]

Smiley, I think the compartmentalization comes from my overly analytical/rational way of approaching life. I can't really explain it. It's neither good nor bad. It doesn't work in relationships because I look at things very black and white - I know if my partner is behaving in Y way it's because I've done X or my behavior has led her to doing things. I know why she leaves me, why she does certain things and says certain things. I then am unable to "throw" myself into the world of emotion and devotion etc that come with relationships, I just look at them too analytically and it prevents me from becoming attached or emotionally invested. That being said I thoroughly love being with the women I'm with and they bring me great joy. I just don't feel "it" so to speak. What happened in your situation? How did she come to start wanting you again? Very interesting

 

Jamili - In retrospect I think the real reason she left me is fundamentally because I wasn't sleeping with her, and she used my "bad boyfriend" behavior as an excuse to give me. This was the crux of it all. I would turn down sex with her constantly because I just couldn't be bothered and would rather do other things. (Before we met I had been living a very debaucherous life and was quite literally burnt out of sex, wanting to focus on money and a career). Our sex life wasn't good, she was a virgin when we met, it was wild at first as I was showing her everything, but my aloofness and detachment within the relationship caused her to try and seize control of the relationship via sex, she would use sex as a means to attempt to regain some sort of control in the relationship because she felt she had none - she couldn't even be comfortable in knowing that she was the "gatekeeper" of sex because I didn't care if she wasn't in the mood etc. She had absolutely zero power in this relationship and it drove her insane, turned her off me sexually, obliterated any trust she had for me, led her to constantly think I was cheating etc. The anxiety was palpable. She wouldn't let me take control as a man and have sex with her when I was super horny, it was always on her terms, and it just made me check out and I couldn't be bothered anymore which in turn led her to detach from me.

 

I think this is really the root of it. That was quite cathartic to type out actually, ha.

[BryanSmiley]

Smiley, I think the compartmentalization comes from my overly analytical/rational way of approaching life. I can't really explain it. It's neither good nor bad. It doesn't work in relationships because I look at things very black and white - I know if my partner is behaving in Y way it's because I've done X or my behavior has led her to doing things. I know why she leaves me, why she does certain things and says certain things. I then am unable to "throw" myself into the world of emotion and devotion etc that come with relationships, I just look at them too analytically and it prevents me from becoming attached or emotionally invested. That being said I thoroughly love being with the women I'm with and they bring me great joy. I just don't feel "it" so to speak. What happened in your situation? How did she come to start wanting you again? Very interesting.

 

Were very different, and I’m somewhat envious but in other respects prefer how I am. Certainly find it very interesting. I feel I’m much poorer at reading the interactions and behaviours, and invest myself more emotionally – only for it to career off track at times. Goes to show there’s no sole right or wrong and we do need people aligned or understanding of our ways – to make things work. Cor the LTR from my early 20’s was by far my longest ever, there was just different junctions at which during still seeing each other more casually I would want her back, then not, she would, then not. Through no particular reasons, probably largely each immaturely wanting what we couldn’t have at a certain time. It came silly really and it was definitely better to break the pattern. I’m most interested in your ways because as I say, my more recent ex possessed the same characteristics. Very able to turn her feelings off, or perhaps seemingly never ‘feeling it’ as much as I was partially because of the different types of persona’s. But her ability to be willing to walk away based on logic really messed with my head. We seemed to make good headway with her wanting to do long term related things, but then on a whim was able to say we shouldn’t continue because I may move, and can’t commit as much. A lot of the hall marks of your experience, it’s slightly enlightening and comforting in a way. But I found it pretty hard for a female to be quite so independent, seemingly cold, able to walk away so easily.

[SoThatHappened]

The original post is simply a mish-mash of generalizations being touted as absolutes.

 

DO NOT think of these statements as an end-all be-all, anyone. Every relationship, person, and breakup is different.

[allybaba789]

If your relationship was a good one and you were a fun, strong and unique impression on their life's timeline, they will remember and miss you and they will reach out. They will ONLY reach out when you are done, finished, over it and happy again. I know we say this over and over like it's some sort of superstition, but it's the bizarre truth. They will only reach out when they can feel you've let go.

 

Interesting post with many interesting points but this one made me go 'noooo'. The above is highly generalized. My ex has told me he misses me 10+ times since our relationship ended so I know I left a unique impression on his life, but he still doesn't want a relationship with me. I felt like this statement had a danger of saying 'if your ex left you and doesn't want to get back with you - you didn't mean much to them'. Ouch!