Am I being too needy?

[Knix]

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, he just moved back to his hometown and it's about a 4 hour plane ride. So the past month we have been in a LDR with a goal to buy a house together this fall.

 

I'm really happy he's home but I also miss him a lot and it is really hard sometimes. Usually on the weekends now he is either with his dad or his friends and I barely hear from him. Of course I have my own stuff going on too and I try really hard to give him space, but (especially on the weekends) he will only be able to talk for a small window of time. Yesterday morning he was only able to talk for 5 minutes or so, so he asked if we could skype and I was so excited, but after spending the day with one of his friends, he called and told me he had a headache. Perhaps I overreacted but I felt hurt, and we got into an argument because he says he always talks to me. When he lived over here we were always spending time together and talking, now I just feel like he doesn't have time for me.

 

This morning he was acting like he was upset and when I finally got it out of him he told me he was frustrated that I always get upset with him about us not talking and then I apologize. I apologize because I feel bad for Upsetting him, but I also think he plays a part in this and it's not all me... then again maybe I'm being too needy?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited April 3, 2017 by Knix

[Telemachus]

You and he both use the word "always" in your interaction. It's in your posting. It's not a constructive word. Nothing regarding human activity always happens, so whatever goes along with it is false. "Always" and "never" are part of communication that's not constructive, and those words usually form part of an accusation, a false one.

 

He spends the exact amount of time with you that he chooses to. If that doesn't give you positive feelings, and I can't imagine that arguing about what you or he supposedly "always" do leaves either of you with positive feelings, then do something else.

 

It's pain that brings about change. For either of you to move most of the way across a continent to buy a house together seems unlikely to produce positive results. You should revisit that plan in light of your goals and values in life.

[Chilli]

Personally l always find it hard to believe that people don't find the time if they really wanna spend some with each other. Say no to to a few other things instead if they have to , that's what l'll do.

 

But , seeing a lot of the stories it often looks like a move like that and one or the other often loses heart in the relationship and starts to move on instead thinking it's too hard and no good anymore.

Sorry to say but that's where l think he might be, just starting to feel negative about the whole thing now.

Reckon all you can do is not push too hard or that'll just do more damage to it, give him a bit more time and see if he starts to show a bit more enthusiasm once he gets settled in.

But just be prepared for him also maybe drifting further away , if things get less and excuses keep coming instead of more and improving, think he's given up and lost interest.

[NTV]

You could tell him you're thinking about breaking it off and see what he says back.

 

Also, I recommend that you don't buy a house together yet. That's moving way way too fast.

[Knix]

Just a quick update, I backed off on pressuring him to contact me and things have taken a total turn around. He sends me random texts that he loves me, and went on a boys camping trip this weekend. I expected not to hear from him much but he called me a few times a day to talk to me. Without the pressure of constant communication we are laughing/flirting/missing each other, it's great.

 

He and I have a lot of time to get the moving decisions figured out, but I'm pretty amazed that by me just relaxing a bit, things got so much better. I appreciate everyone's advice, but I'm also seeing my part in this whole thing, and how making changes like that really make a difference.

[d0nnivain]

You could tell him you're thinking about breaking it off and see what he says back.

 

 

Empty threats are more likely to backfire.

 

 

Knix --

 

 

I'm glad things have turned around. FWIW, I didn't think you were being too needy. You are allowed to express your wants & desires in a relationship. Going from together to an LDR can be stressful. When talk is all you have & you aren't getting enough people tend to grow frustrated.

 

 

 

 

Now about buying a house together. My advice is don't, until you are married. Unless you can afford the house on your own, what happens if you break up? The bank might not let one of you off the mortgage. This isn't like just walking away; there are legal obligations that bind you together.

[Knix]

Now about buying a house together. My advice is don't, until you are married. Unless you can afford the house on your own, what happens if you break up? The bank might not let one of you off the mortgage. This isn't like just walking away; there are legal obligations that bind you together.

 

I completely agree with that, and when he and I decided to get into a LDR, I told him that IF we buy a house together, I need a bigger commitment. I think moving to a new state and buying a home at the same time would be WAY too stressful, so we will probably rent a place together while we look.