My boyfriend treated his ex like a queen, me not so much. Should I end it?

[Michellew714]

Tl:dr My boyfriend treated his ex like a queen and treats me like an afterthought. Should I dump him?

 

 

I met my boyfriend in November and we started dating at the beginning of January. At that point he had been single for about 8 months after being dumped by his girlfriend of 2.5 years.

 

He's lovely, we get on incredibly well and we have such a laugh together. Things have been going really well and he generally makes me very happy.

 

Recently it was Valentine's Day and as it was our first one, I spent ages finding the right card and a cute little present that was an in joke between us. It wasn't expensive at all but it was thoughtful. When we met up on Valentine's Day, he told me the gift he got me hadn't arrived yet and gave me a card with no envelope that he had quickly scrawled something inside. I didn't feel like he had put much thought into it but I figured he wasn't a Valentine's Day person so I tried not to let it upset me.

 

About a month later, it was my birthday. All I got was a text message, and now another month has passed and he hasn't even got me a card. I've mentioned it to him a couple of times, as well as my Valentine's present and he makes promises that he'll take me out and get me something eventually. I'm not a materialistic person - I'm definitely not asking for diamonds or anything expensive. I just would have felt special if he had made me a card and a present, or got me something super cheap. It would mean something if it was coming from him.

 

As if all this wasn't hurtful enough, I recently found out that he used to buy his ex flowers every Valentine's Day, that he took her out for dinner for it and got her birthday cards and presents. I'm so hurt now and we are fighting because I feel like he doesn't make as much effort with me as he did for her. I don't want to be second best, and I'm not sure whether to dump him or not.

[somanymistakes]

It's possible he may feel bitter about some romantic gestures because he associates them with the failed relationship?

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel WITHOUT bringing her into it? Because if you try to make it a competition between you and the ex, it's always going to go badly - it will drag up a lot of bad feelings for him and make him feel very defensive and like he's being unfairly judged, since after all, he's with you and not her.

[angel.eyes]

How did you find out what he did for his ex?

[elaine567]

The problem that you have here by comparing yourself with the ex is that on Valentine's day you had been dating a matter of weeks and on your birthday around 2 months, compared to to the LTR he had with his ex.

 

I guess though because of the hurriedly scribbled card and the text message, either he does not rate you highly or he has some issue with gifts and anniversaries, due most likely to his previous relationship.

If as you say he was Mr Bountiful to his last gf then I doubt he has an inborn dislike for such events.

I guess you are reaping the fall-out from his last relationship.

 

Is he generally attentive, takes you out, makes you feel special? If not, then you need to seriously assess this relationship. If you are feeling second best and he is actually not making much effort, then he is most likely not ready to date and if you stick around you could get very hurt.

[preraph]

How did you find out what he bought his ex on holidays? I asked because if he told you, it could be BS, just him illustrating what a prince he was and how unfair she dropped him.

 

If you found out some reliable way, then apparently he's decided being nice got him nowhere, so you'd be wise to send him packing anyway.

 

Plus, I mean, if this is upsetting to you, whether or not there even was an ex, then he's not who you want to stay with because he doesn't care enough to make a little effort to make you happy with just a card or a flower. So I think you know the answer.

 

The "It is what it is" formula: I want a boyfriend who at least buys me a card on Valentine's and Birthday -- ON that day, not a month later. He doesn't do that. Equals he's not the boyfriend you want.

[Redhead14]

Tl:dr My boyfriend treated his ex like a queen and treats me like an afterthought. Should I dump him?

 

 

I met my boyfriend in November and we started dating at the beginning of January. At that point he had been single for about 8 months after being dumped by his girlfriend of 2.5 years.

 

He's lovely, we get on incredibly well and we have such a laugh together. Things have been going really well and he generally makes me very happy.

 

Recently it was Valentine's Day and as it was our first one, I spent ages finding the right card and a cute little present that was an in joke between us. It wasn't expensive at all but it was thoughtful. When we met up on Valentine's Day, he told me the gift he got me hadn't arrived yet and gave me a card with no envelope that he had quickly scrawled something inside. I didn't feel like he had put much thought into it but I figured he wasn't a Valentine's Day person so I tried not to let it upset me.

 

About a month later, it was my birthday. All I got was a text message, and now another month has passed and he hasn't even got me a card. I've mentioned it to him a couple of times, as well as my Valentine's present and he makes promises that he'll take me out and get me something eventually. I'm not a materialistic person - I'm definitely not asking for diamonds or anything expensive. I just would have felt special if he had made me a card and a present, or got me something super cheap. It would mean something if it was coming from him.

 

As if all this wasn't hurtful enough, I recently found out that he used to buy his ex flowers every Valentine's Day, that he took her out for dinner for it and got her birthday cards and presents. I'm so hurt now and we are fighting because I feel like he doesn't make as much effort with me as he did for her. I don't want to be second best, and I'm not sure whether to dump him or not.

 

You two have only been dating for about 3 months and in February - Valentines Day, only 2 months. I'm kinda doubting you would be getting the same level of "treatment" at only 3 months that a dating partner of 2.5 years would be receiving . . .

 

That being said, a card with some scribbling on it lacks quality, that's for sure. And, even though he got her flowers, etc., he may have been lackadaisical in other areas of his relationship with her and you're kinda seeing why she may have dumped him . . . perhaps, the flowers started coming because she mentioned that he was a crappy boyfriend at some point.

[burnt]

Is he generally attentive, takes you out, makes you feel special? If not, then you need to seriously assess this relationship. If you are feeling second best and he is actually not making much effort, then he is most likely not ready to date and if you stick around you could get very hurt.

 

I think the above point is really the most important thing for you to think about. If he is generally a good bf to you and only has failed to treat you wonderfully during your bday and Vday, then there's a good chance that he tries to mentally dissociate himself from these celebrations because of the painful memories of his failed relationship around those days.

In this case, talk to him, and try to understand his side of the story.

 

Otherwise, I agree with Elaine above, that he's not ready to let go of his ex-gf yet and you should let go of him.

[Imajerk17]

I read the OP and then I read the posts. The advice given to the OP by those of you who have responded so far has been HORRIBLE.

 

A guy hardly puts any thought into any gifts with you after he did all that other stuff for his ex, and **after** you told him how you felt?? Dump him. It's not merely a question of differing personality styles or him not getting women's emotional needs, or your expectations being unreasonable, as the other posters so far seem to be implying. It is instead a whole lot more simple. He's just not that into you.

 

And the rest of you on this thread so far--you're all rationalizing this guy's behaviour instead? Seriously? Look, this guy isn't dumb. He already knows he isn't treating the OP as well as he should. There isn't anything to discuss.

 

This thread...It's quite analogous to a the threads written by GUYS unhappy about how their now sexually conservative girlfriend was a freak in da sheets for her ex. And what do we tell the guys writing those threads to do? Exactly, move on, she just isn't that into you.

 

And this is coming from a guy who is hardly a feminist--read my other posts on here to see for yourself!

Edited April 3, 2017 by Imajerk17

[kiss_andmakeup]

It's possible he may feel bitter about some romantic gestures because he associates them with the failed relationship?

 

This was my first thought as well.

 

I had a long-term relationship with a guy who was awful with physical gestures of affection such as cards and gifts. Over time I got a picture of his previous relationship, in which he doted on a woman and she cheated on and left him. The experience left him jaded and with a "never doing that again" type of attitude. I'm not saying it's logical, or ok...after all, I ended up breaking that relationship off for a multitude of reasons...but it could be a glimpse into this guy's psyche.

 

Have you sat down with him and calmly, gently explained how this makes you feel? Don't mention his ex - comparing your relationship to theirs is not healthy and it's not flattering on your part. I would simply say, "I'm feeling a bit hurt that you haven't recognized valentine's day or my birthday. Even a heartfelt card or an inexpensive gift would have meant the world to me." If he reacts defensively, then honestly I'd move on from this. If he reacts calmly and is at least willing to have a discussion, then that's a good sign.

[fred123]

U been dating since jan?when were u guys official?

Just curious.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

When guys treat a few women like queens and get left for other guys, sometimes it will change them as somanymistakes mentioned. Kind of like "well, **** that" kind of thing.

 

That doesn't excuse anything though.

 

Maybe you should tell him how you're feeling? Tell him this:

 

"Babe, I love you! I've been kind of jealous because I had heard you treated your ex like a queen but I feel I'm not getting the same. What do you think?"

 

I mean, if I heard that from a girl I was currently involved in, it'd resonate.