Merin Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale this may be true SCRATCH but if you never got her an expensive gift at least once in a while then you'd be sleeping on the couch, or worse yet, you'd be an ex-b/f I wouldn't care if my BF never gave me an expensive gift. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I wouldn't care if my BF never gave me an expensive gift. :love: Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by lindya Most people in a relationship like indulging their partner's tastes and interests from time to time, and though I agree with you that it can be done in a non-materialistic way the prospect of never ever doing anything nice that involves parting with cash strikes me as overly spartan. I guess we all just have to decide on our own principles and boundaries, and not worry about the labels other people want to give us for doing so. How someone feels about his partner is mirrored in his spending habits. People who are able to part easily with their money are also very giving with their emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony How someone feels about his partner is mirrored in his spending habits. People who are able to part easily with their money are also very giving with their emotions. Could you elaborate on this, or ideally provide a cite? I see the logic, but also forsee a very dangerous slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I wouldn't care if my BF never gave me an expensive gift. The point of a gift is that the person gets you and knows what you like. Scratch mentioned books in an earlier post, and they certainly can be a make or break gift; I had a boyfriend who had a real knack for knowing which books I would enjoy. He got me into South American authors like Gabriel Marquez and Isabelle Allende - writers I really should have discovered on my own...but hey, that's what friends are for. Gifts really don't need to be expensive, but they do need to be "you" - otherwise you can be left wondering who it is the person sees when they look at you. I reckon, Merin, that you don't need expensive gifts because your BF knows who you are and he knows exactly what you like. In that situation, there's no need for him to play safe with a tasteful little something from the jewellers. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony How someone feels about his partner is mirrored in his spending habits. Hmmm.. I disagree with this to some extent. I dated a Guy who dropped money like mad crazy on me... but it wasn't a reflection of how he felt about me, more of a reflection IMO of how he felt about him... This Guy also felt money excused any bad behaviour on his part and didn't feel the need to give anything else EXCEPT things of monatary value. On the other hand... I've dated a Guy who didn't buy extravagant gifts nor throw his money around... but was always there to help me out with things I couldn't do myself, or would be thoughtful in doing things he knew I would like and/or appreciate (having nothing to do with money) and he was crazy about me... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by lindya The point of a gift is that the person gets you and knows what you like. Scratch mentioned books in an earlier post, and they certainly can be a make or break gift; I had a boyfriend who had a real knack for knowing which books I would enjoy. He got me into South American authors like Gabriel Marquez and Isabelle Allende - writers I really should have discovered on my own...but hey, that's what friends are for. Gifts really don't need to be expensive, but they do need to be "you" - otherwise you can be left wondering who it is the person sees when they look at you. I reckon, Merin, that you don't need expensive gifts because your BF knows who you are and he knows exactly what you like. In that situation, there's no need for him to play safe with a tasteful little something from the jewellers. I do agree with this... IMO it isn't the expense of the gift that matters, it's that the other person put some thought into what you like, who you are and in some cases what kind of emotion that might inspire in your SO. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony People who are able to part easily with their money are also very giving with their emotions. that is the biggest crock of bullshyt I've heard!. haven't you ever heard of the rich kids who grew up with all the material possessions they wanted but emotionally distant parents who were never around?? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale that is the biggest crock of bullshyt I've heard!. Ditto on that. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony How someone feels about his partner is mirrored in his spending habits. That says more about you than about the how much he thinks about you. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale that is the biggest crock of bullshyt I've heard!. haven't you ever heard of the rich kids who grew up with all the material possessions they wanted but emotionally distant parents who were never around?? I can differentiate the two. Loony's point may be correct, if the amount spent is enough that it affects your life. Very rich parents don't have to mortgage the house to pay for the kids' possessions. People who give money until it hurts are probably very giving with their emotions. Loony, would you like to be with a man who gives you more money that he can afford? If it's a smaller amount than that, there is no emotional parallel. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by scratch People who give money until it hurts are probably very giving with their emotions. People who give money until it hurts are emotionally retarded. They don't have the ability to know that you can't buy love. They also are setting themselves up for being used. And when they do get used they don't feel used because they are retarded emotionally Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall People who give money until it hurts are emotionally retarded. They don't have the ability to know that you can't buy love. They also are setting themselves up for being used. And when they do get used they don't feel used because they are retarded emotionally Next time don't eat the cheese that I leave for the rat. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Ok, I need to clarify as I can imagine that some posters have now jumped up, pointed their finger at me and called me a greedy golddigger, I did not say that a guy who buys me jewelry is my king. If he spends money in order to buy me, he's an idiot. When I say that a person's affection is mirrored in his/her spending habits it means that they will buy you something just because they know you like it, they do it for you, not because they expect anything back, they do it because they like you and care for you. What they have, they will offer to you. If it's a lot it's a lot, if it's more it's more. Money is a mean among many others to make you happy. A guy may not have a lot, but what he has he will give to me freely. I've seen people with little money and they would still invite me to something just because they liked me while other people who had a lot more money to spend would made a big fuss about it when they offered me something (and hell, NO, I didn't accept, I'm not stupid enough for this), for them it was a way of presenting them as generous and it was a pretty obvious attempt to buy my affection. Guys who are always afraid that women will use them as mealtickets are not really the kind of people who are able to relax and just enjoy the time they have with their partner, they're holding back their emotions in order not to get screwed over, so where's the trust in this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by scratch Next time don't eat the cheese that I leave for the rat. hahahaha.. I didn't see it coming.. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale that is the biggest crock of bullshyt I've heard!. haven't you ever heard of the rich kids who grew up with all the material possessions they wanted but emotionally distant parents who were never around?? What are we talking about here? Are we discussing romantic relationships here between men and women or the relationship you have with the countless fatherless kids that you have by a similar number of women? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Gold diggers.....HA! When two people love each other enough to place value on non tangibles, equal to or greater than money, that's where the true gold is........some of you know what I mean, those who don't I feel sorry for ya......... Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony What they have, they will offer to you. If it's a lot it's a lot, if it's more it's more. Money is a means among many others to make you happy. Sounds an awful lot like trying to buy somebody. Originally posted by loony A guy may not have a lot, but what he has he will give to me freely. Sure, and if he has a lot, he has to give even more to make you feel the same way. Does it have to hurt his finances a lot, or just a little, before you feel loved? Originally posted by loony Guys who are always afraid that women will use them as mealtickets are not really the kind of people who are able to relax and just enjoy the time they have with their partner, they're holding back their emotions in order not to get screwed over, so where's the trust in this relationship? I don't see why that trust is ever necessary to be earned. If he is afraid of that, why would it place a strain on the relationship for him to simply withhold money? Is it possible for your man to make you feel trusted without his forking over sufficent sums of cash? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony Ok, I need to clarify as I can imagine that some posters have now jumped up, pointed their finger at me and called me a greedy golddigger, Not so, loony - I can understand where you're coming from. The word miser conjures up visions of fictional anal retentives like Scrooge - guarding his emotions as jealously as he hoards his cash. I'm sure most of us have, in real life, met people whose lack of financial generosity goes hand in hand with a tight-arsed personality. The individuals who order a cocktail in every round, until it comes to their round and they mysteriously vanish into the night. Miserliness isn't generally restricted to one isolated personality trait. It usually takes a few unwelcome friends with it. On the other hand, a lot of people are careful because they really do need to watch their cash (especially now, as easy loans have left so many people with debts they can't really afford). Those people might find other ways to be generous - eg giving up their time for others, inviting friends round for a meal rather than splashing out on a restaurant and buying modest presents for special occasions, but taking extra care to wrap them up beautifully. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by Moose When two people love each other enough to place value on non tangibles, equal to or greater than money, that's where the true gold is........some of you know what I mean, those who don't I feel sorry for ya......... this is great and i understand but "true gold" does not put food on the table or clothes on the children or pay the mortgage. you need both material and emotional substance for a good life. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony When I say that a person's affection is mirrored in his/her spending habits it means that they will buy you something just because they know you like it, they do it for you, not because they expect anything back, they do it because they like you and care for you. What they have, they will offer to you. If it's a lot it's a lot, if it's more it's more. Money is a mean among many others to make you happy. A guy may not have a lot, but what he has he will give to me freely. I've seen people with little money and they would still invite me to something just because they liked me while other people who had a lot more money to spend would made a big fuss about it when they offered me something (and hell, NO, I didn't accept, I'm not stupid enough for this), for them it was a way of presenting them as generous and it was a pretty obvious attempt to buy my affection. I think what you're saying is that if a guy cares about you, he'll be more likely to buy you a spontaneous gift or want to take you out someplace nice (as nice as he can afford). But those types of special things that show he care don't have to be monetary. You can't gauge someone's feelings based on how much they spend or how willing they are to part with their cash. A guy could feel nothing for you but like the feeling of impressing a girl, so he takes you out and spends big bucks on you to make you feel special. Another guy might not have much money and is always hesitant about talking you out, because he doesn't want you to know how tight his finances are. He could care for you very much, but he just simply can't afford anything nice for you. You judge his feelings based on how much he wants to be with you, how open he is with you, and how he treats you, not based on how willing he is to part with his cash. The amount of money or even the percentage of his income he spends on you should be the farthest thing from your mind when evaluating his feelings for you. Of course, if you're looking to get married, then you should examine his financial status and spending habits to make sure he's not a compulsive spender or someone irresponsible who doesn't pay the bills. That's not about gold digging, but about making sure he's going to pull his own weight in the relationship and not be leeching off you. Guys who are always afraid that women will use them as mealtickets are not really the kind of people who are able to relax and just enjoy the time they have with their partner, they're holding back their emotions in order not to get screwed over, so where's the trust in this relationship? There could be many reasons why a guy isn't spending his money on you that don't include him thinking you're looking for a meal ticket. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by lindya Not so, loony - I can understand where you're coming from. Thanks, lindya. On the other hand, a lot of people are careful because they really do need to watch their cash (especially now, as easy loans have left so many people with debts they can't really afford). Those people might find other ways to be generous - eg giving up their time for others, inviting friends round for a meal rather than splashing out on a restaurant and buying modest presents for special occasions, but taking extra care to wrap them up beautifully. I absolutely don't expect people to start loans in order to buy me things, when I see a guy though who has enough money to spend for himself but never invites me to anything I'd feel a bit unloved. Or when he doesn't even manage to invite me to an ice cream without expecting my eternal gratitude I have a problem with it. I usually share what I have and when someone doesn't play by these rules it feels strange. When I'm in love with someone I'd like to buy him things to make him happy or do something for him and when he doesn't do it, I wonder if he feels the same for me. Scratch, you're obviously the kind of guy who's a little bit mistrustful of women therefore I don't think you can understand my point at all. Those who argue so fervently against me are often guys who do think that women are golddiggers and they also don't trust them at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale this is great and i understand but "true gold" does not put food on the table or clothes on the children or pay the mortgage. you need both material and emotional substance for a good life. Ok, ok.....other than the normal neccessities.......figured you'd know that already..... After you've provided the neccessities......it's only money after that, or you're serving the wrong master...... With that said, money or an expensive gift holds no higher status with me than say a walk with my wife after dinner.... Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by loony Scratch, you're obviously the kind of guy who's a little bit mistrustful of women therefore I don't think you can understand my point at all. Those who argue so fervently against me are often guys who do think that women are golddiggers and they also don't trust them at all. Sweetie, I'm not arguing with you at all. I'm asking you questions to help you flesh out your reasoning. If you don't think I undertand your point, why not answer them? Explain how a very wealthy man could make a woman feel loved by spending an hour's income on her, because I don't see how that would work. I think she would want from him time, because that's what is in short supply and therefore what he has to sacrifice to give to her. Your arguments would be better advanced if you addressed the points raised counter to them instead of simply stating that those who disagree with you are cynical and mistrustful. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by scratch Your arguments would be better advanced if you addressed the points raised counter to them instead of simply stating that those who disagree with you are cynical and mistrustful. You are not? Sweetie, I'm not arguing with you at all. I'm asking you questions to help you flesh out your reasoning. If you don't think I undertand your point, why not answer them? Explain how a very wealthy man could make a woman feel loved by spending an hour's income on her, because I don't see how that would work. I think she would want from him time, because that's what is in short supply and therefore what he has to sacrifice to give to her. I'm not your sweetie, I'm a self-reliant and independent golddigger. I didn't say an hour's income. If he bought me flowers I would be happy with this. If he bought me a really good book and spent time choosing one that I really like I would also be happy with this. I would not understand it though if he spent less money on me than any of my friends who earns less than he does. I doubt that I will ever date such a wealthy man that he doesn't have time for me. Of course he's supposed to have time for me, if not, why would he want a girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
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