Things I've learned in the A

[Chica80]

Affair 2yrs. Since Jan I had been withdrawing making changes. Two weeks ago all that came to an end. We have been NC almost two weeks. That's the longest we've ever gone NC two weeks.

 

Things I've learned:

1. Affairs are real relationships. You have two people who are putting time, emotions, investment that's a real relationship.

 

2. It is possible to love two people at one time, but not equally and not the same.

 

3. The why's don't matter.....Why did he do this why is he here? The why I should ask is why did I let myself get here. Why did I let myself accept second best. Why did I put him above myself?

 

4. Not all people place "love, intimacy" into the same priority in their life.

 

5. The reason you feel no one understands you like your AP...is because you may be the most honest version of yourself. At least for me that was the case. I was the most honest open good/bad/vulnerable/selfish version of myself. Why.....because it's a safety mechanism of sorts. If there isn't the possibility of a totally open relationship that's my wall that you won't cross. We won't truly be together so I can be totally open totally myself because I never have to truly invest all of me. There's a safety block there. Same for AP.

 

6. The reasons the end of the A...hurts so much....is "Hope deferred makes the heart sick".....You place so much hopes and expectations and needs wants into this relationship....That when it ends you are grieving a death. The death of this hope that you had.

 

Those are my thoughts today.

[aileD]

I'm not a OW and have never been one so I can't say much, it's a good list I guess.

 

I would suggest rethinking the bold part of this:

 

5. The reason you feel no one understands you like your AP...is because you may be the most honest version of yourself. At least for me that was the case. I was the most honest open good/bad/vulnerable/selfish version of myself. Why.....because it's a safety mechanism of sorts. If there isn't the possibility of a totally open relationship that's my wall that you won't cross. We won't truly be together so I can be totally open totally myself because I never have to truly invest all of me. There's a safety block there. Same for AP.

 

I'm not so sure that someone who is lying to his wife, kids, family, and is sneaking around is being his true self. He's had to lie to her and he's had to lie to you to get where he is.

 

Peace and love, and I'm glad you're moving on and being introspective.

[Telemachus]

"Love is eternal, for as long as it lasts." (Gabriel Garcia Marquez quoting a Brazilian songwriter)

 

So it is.

[Jemima1234]

Hi sunshine I wonder about you often when come on here - how are you coping? Was no contact your choice?

 

I love your insight and it makes complete sense. Here I am sitting again waiting on MM calling me - I need and want to get to 2 weeks NC, 2 months, 2 years this has to stop. I know it.

[Chica80]

Hi sunshine I wonder about you often when come on here - how are you coping? Was no contact your choice?

 

I love your insight and it makes complete sense. Here I am sitting again waiting on MM calling me - I need and want to get to 2 weeks NC, 2 months, 2 years this has to stop. I know it.

 

Yes....some things have changed. And that is it for me. NC since then. He wanted to talk about it I said there was no point and that was it. (Although I suspect maybe maybe not that a "talk" will occur in our future).

 

In his mind I think he has always justified "we are friends" and as long as we didn't cross physical boundaries. Then we could continue as we were. We've always been more EA.....it's easy to lie to yourself that way.

 

I'm doing better. The first week I cried every single day....Every day. I had a couple of days where I did nothing but stay in bed for two days. I went through anger and rage.

 

The anger has subsided.....(for now).....I'm at sadness now. I miss him. Not a lie. But not enough.....

 

Also it has helped I haven't had to see him these last weeks. And if I possibly can I won't have to see him for another two weeks.

[carhill]

Affair 2yrs. Since Jan I had been withdrawing making changes. Two weeks ago all that came to an end. We have been NC almost two weeks. That's the longest we've ever gone NC two weeks.

IME, the first couple months are the hardest. The rest is processing.

 

Things I've learned:

1. Affairs are real relationships. You have two people who are putting time, emotions, investment that's a real relationship.

While we can't read others minds, if you feel you're in a relationship, you are. The other person might feel similarly, or differently. Hard to know for sure.

2. It is possible to love two people at one time, but not equally and not the same.

Yep, happens all the time. People aren't binary.

 

3. The why's don't matter.....Why did he do this why is he here? The why I should ask is why did I let myself get here. Why did I let myself accept second best. Why did I put him above myself?

Choices worth reflecting upon. How that goes IME determines how the processing goes.

 

4. Not all people place "love, intimacy" into the same priority in their life.

 

Yup, we all prioritize in our own unique ways, as well as define terms equally uniquely.

 

5. The reason you feel no one understands you like your AP...is because you may be the most honest version of yourself. At least for me that was the case. I was the most honest open good/bad/vulnerable/selfish version of myself. Why.....because it's a safety mechanism of sorts. If there isn't the possibility of a totally open relationship that's my wall that you won't cross. We won't truly be together so I can be totally open totally myself because I never have to truly invest all of me. There's a safety block there. Same for AP.

 

I trust you could/would feel similarly with any intimate of similar depth of investment and connection. To me, such ability to be bare, vulnerable and honest is a gift. How gifts are received and valued varies.

 

6. The reasons the end of the A...hurts so much....is "Hope deferred makes the heart sick".....You place so much hopes and expectations and needs wants into this relationship....That when it ends you are grieving a death. The death of this hope that you had.

IME, the difficult part was processing an unnatural death. Therapy provided some tools for that, and in general for processing relationships and relations with humans. If you go awhile and the stages of grief don't process, consider it if not already tried. IME it helps.

 

Those are my thoughts today.

 

Thanks for sharing. Way down the road of life, the neutrality of perspective is a gift I'm forever thankful for. Indeed, there is room for laughing at my own folly in it all, something I couldn't have envisioned at the time. Love affairs are so dramatic!

[Chica80]

Ya the last time we were here....NC two weeks....and "friends" for 3 months before back in it......

 

But I'm not where I was 1.5 yrs ago.

 

Also I had been trying to distance since Jan. Slowly. But it just came to a halt. The bandaid was ripped!!!!!

[curiouslysearching]

Ya the last time we were here....NC two weeks....and "friends" for 3 months before back in it......

 

But I'm not where I was 1.5 yrs ago.

 

Also I had been trying to distance since Jan. Slowly. But it just came to a halt. The bandaid was ripped!!!!!

 

Hang in there CHICA....one day at a time

you can do this

[burnt]

Sunshinechica, it's a beautiful post. I found everything you wrote to be deeply insightful. Not the usual black/white thinking, with good/bad character labeling, but a very "grey" evaluation of how life is and how complex our human nature is.

 

To me, such ability to be bare, vulnerable and honest is a gift. How gifts are received and valued varies.

 

Way down the road of life, the neutrality of perspective is a gift I'm forever thankful for.

 

Carhill, beautiful and thoughtful reply, especially the quoted part above.

[curiouslysearching]

Yes....some things have changed. And that is it for me. NC since then. He wanted to talk about it I said there was no point and that was it. (Although I suspect maybe maybe not that a "talk" will occur in our future).

 

In his mind I think he has always justified "we are friends" and as long as we didn't cross physical boundaries. Then we could continue as we were. We've always been more EA.....it's easy to lie to yourself that way.

 

I'm doing better. The first week I cried every single day....Every day. I had a couple of days where I did nothing but stay in bed for two days. I went through anger and rage.

 

The anger has subsided.....(for now).....I'm at sadness now. I miss him. Not a lie. But not enough.....

 

Also it has helped I haven't had to see him these last weeks. And if I possibly can I won't have to see him for another two weeks.

 

Sorry for another post on this BUT.....you are GOING TO BE OK I THINK....it is like we were told when I played...you have to play the first quarter before you get to the second quarter and so on until you reach the 4th quarter...the moral being take it a step at a time, a day at time, a week at time, and so forth....with each passing moment it will get easier.....

[jennifernyc84]

Wow! All of this is exactly how I feel/felt.

 

Still somewhat in the grieving process. It's hard to believe that 5 years of my life were a complete waste.

[Chica80]

Sunshinechica, it's a beautiful post. I found everything you wrote to be deeply insightful. Not the usual black/white thinking, with good/bad character labeling, but a very "grey" evaluation of how life is and how complex our human nature is.

 

 

 

Carhill, beautiful and thoughtful reply, especially the quoted part above.

 

Thank you.

 

It's easy to go black and white when you are hurting....like a caged animal you lash out.... but it wasn't just him. It was me too and that is what I can fix. The things about me that got me here.

 

I love him maybe always will maybe not. I just want to get to a better place.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you.

 

It's easy to go black and white when you are hurting....like a caged animal you lash out.... but it wasn't just him. It was me too and that is what I can fix. The things about me that got me here.

 

I love him maybe always will maybe not. I just want to get to a better place.

 

I think I am learning that you will get there when you are ready ... to that better place. We are so hard on ourselves in this forum. Love yourself. Once you do everyone else will too and if they don't you don't want them.

[Imajerk17]

Affair 2yrs. Since Jan I had been withdrawing making changes. Two weeks ago all that came to an end. We have been NC almost two weeks. That's the longest we've ever gone NC two weeks.

 

Things I've learned:

....

 

3. The why's don't matter.....Why did he do this why is he here? The why I should ask is why did I let myself get here. Why did I let myself accept second best. Why did I put him above myself?

 

.......

 

 

Or rather, why did you put him above your marriage and husband, the one person you vowed to love and cherish forever.

 

I think this is a poor list. It sounds so selfish and so self-indulgent to me, like all you care about is your own hurt due to the choices YOU made, and NOT the hurt of the people you chose to betray.

Edited April 4, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Chica80]

Or rather, why did you put him above your marriage and husband, the one person you vowed to love and cherish forever.

 

I think this is a poor list. It sounds so selfish and so self-indulgent to me, like all you care about is your own hurt due to the choices YOU made, and NOT the hurt of the people you chose to betray.

 

You're entitled to your opinion....this is MY thread about MY thoughts about the end of an A. Not the end of my marriage. That's for a different post or thread.

 

Which I discuss very much in therapy and have for the last two years.

 

That is all I will say on that subject.

[carhill]

Or rather, why did you put him above your marriage and husband, the one person you vowed to love and cherish forever.

 

Curious where you found 'husband' in the OP's starting post. Oh, right it's not there.

 

I think this is a poor list. It sounds so selfish and so self-indulgent to me, like all you care about is your own hurt due to the choices YOU made, and NOT the hurt of the people you chose to betray.

 

That's a valid opinion. How does it compare to your thoughts about your own affairs? Oh, right, not relevant. So, what is the purpose of your post, eh?

[Jemima1234]

Ya the last time we were here....NC two weeks....and "friends" for 3 months before back in it......

 

But I'm not where I was 1.5 yrs ago.

 

Also I had been trying to distance since Jan. Slowly. But it just came to a halt. The bandaid was ripped!!!!!

 

Can you share why and how it was ripped? Or is that too personal? I think you have amazing insight. Am sorry you going through so much pain but it does sound like you getting somewhere and have some brilliant insight. Thanks for sharing

[freengreen]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Chika, it is an honest post.

 

This one point, I might differ is : You CAN love two people at the same time, we are human, it can happen....just not exactly the same way coz they arnt the same person.

 

However, if one love is hurting another, we would have to choose. It needs courage to stand by one side and let gently go another. It is not cruel, it is trying to be fair. I learnt that this is better than putting the person you love in the dark and loving another in shadows.

 

Takecare .

[Chica80]

Can you share why and how it was ripped? Or is that too personal? I think you have amazing insight. Am sorry you going through so much pain but it does sound like you getting somewhere and have some brilliant insight. Thanks for sharing

 

Well like I said....for me I had been slowly trying to distance. We had been in this "friend zone" since Jan, well end of Dec actually. Friends but not really friends right. Not physical....We could see eachother spend time together without that happening. Not because we didn't want to because we were trying to make it wrk I guess.

 

Anyways things have changed. I see that while I have been holding my breathe "emotionally" his life still goes on. Much in the same projectory and patterns of life.

 

While I have given him this really huge space in my life. I'm only a small part of his. So there it is.

 

You can PM me if you like.

[Chica80]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Chika, it is an honest post.

 

This one point, I might differ is : You CAN love two people at the same time, we are human, it can happen....just not exactly the same way coz they arnt the same person.

 

However, if one love is hurting another, we would have to choose. It needs courage to stand by one side and let gently go another. It is not cruel, it is trying to be fair. I learnt that this is better than putting the person you love in the dark and loving another in shadows.

 

Takecare .

 

YES!! Very true.

 

As I've said our A was much more emotional than physical....because I believe that's the need we were trying to fill in eachother's lives.

 

I think it's also easier to fool yourself that the damage you are doing is not as bad, is not as hurtful if it isn't physical, or if the physical is infrequently

 

MM has always maintained he doesn't want me to be on the side. Doesn't want to live a double life.

He wants me to move on, date live a full life......

 

Yet.....when I would try to pull away he would bring me back in. He would never truly let me go.

 

So yes crueler to be kind.

[DKT3]

I personally believe "loving" two people is BS. Sure it can happen, but the question is how does one allow it to happen. People in committed relationship should not allow themselves to become emotionally tangled with a secondary relationship, its a choice it doesn't just happen.

 

The question is what do you do about boundaries, and basic human respect that you don't allow yourself to place another partner in this position or interfere in another couples​relationship.

 

Chica I've watched as you've stuggled with the ending of you marriage, the excitement of hope with AP, than the crash. You've done alot of intropection but the question is what are you doing to ensure you won't cheat on the next partner with the next MM?

[somanymistakes]

I personally believe "loving" two people is BS. Sure it can happen, but the question is how does one allow it to happen. People in committed relationship should not allow themselves to become emotionally tangled with a secondary relationship, its a choice it doesn't just happen.

 

I don't really understand this idea myself. How do you "choose" emotions? You can choose what to do about them, but how can you choose whether they exist or not? I know some people do think this is how it works so I can only guess that it works differently for different people?

 

I've never "chosen" to love or not love someone, to care about them or not, to fall for them or not. It just happens. It seems like life would be a lot simpler if everyone could simply pick and choose what emotions to have!

[jenkins95]

Sunshine! It's a few months since our paths crossed (((overdue hug!)))

 

I'm proud of you - 2 weeks! Well done. Keep going. You know it is the right thing. The first few months are absolutely brutal - learn to accept that pain and internal torture are just aprt of your life, but that it is only temporary. This acceptance make sit less scary and more bearable. After all, pain was part of your life during the A too, am I right? But now you've done something to ensure that the source of the pain has been cut off - even though the first few weeks are terrfiying. I know you know all this - just wanted to send my suport! Put in the time and investment. You could be a whole new person by Christmas.

 

You make some very interesting and thought-provoking points in your OP. You always were a great, insightful poster!

 

Wishing you nothing but the best and keep posting Suhshine!

[DKT3]

I don't really understand this idea myself. How do you "choose" emotions? You can choose what to do about them, but how can you choose whether they exist or not? I know some people do think this is how it works so I can only guess that it works differently for different people?

 

I've never "chosen" to love or not love someone, to care about them or not, to fall for them or not. It just happens. It seems like life would be a lot simpler if everyone could simply pick and choose what emotions to have!

 

Actually we do.....You don't just wake up in love with someone, it happens in stages, which at any point you can pull the plug.

 

You meet a hot guy while in a relationship, you know you're attracted yet you do what you can to be around him. Boundary number one tested and failed. You're not in love at this point but you've made the decision to continue. You made the choice of risk becoming more emotionally tangled.

 

At every stage your boundaries and morals are tested every test you fail and CHOOSE to continue. All before you're "IN LOVE"

Edited April 4, 2017 by DKT3

[jenkins95]

I don't really understand this idea myself. How do you "choose" emotions? You can choose what to do about them, but how can you choose whether they exist or not? I know some people do think this is how it works so I can only guess that it works differently for different people?

 

I've never "chosen" to love or not love someone, to care about them or not, to fall for them or not. It just happens. It seems like life would be a lot simpler if everyone could simply pick and choose what emotions to have!

 

But DKT3's point was, if you are in a committed relationship, you should never put yourself in a situation where you are vulnerable to this. This was exactly the mistake I made. The first few conversations with the OW were innocent, but......there was something there - tension, curiosity, attraction. I chose to pretend (even to myself) that I hadn't noticed this and/or that it was harmless. I didn't even know at the time to what huge extent I was playing with fire. When we felt the first flush of "feelings", we should have wished each other the best, done a 180 and kept on walking - but we didn't and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Personally, I can't hide behind "it just happens". It happened because I didn't maintain appropriate boundaries. It happened because I allowed curiosity and intrigue to override respect and maturity. It happened because I was a selfish POS.

Edited April 4, 2017 by jenkins95