Things I've learned in the A

[somanymistakes]

Actually we do.....You don't just wake up in love with someone, it happens in stages, which at any point you can pull the plug.

 

You meet a hot guy while in a relationship, you know you're attracted yet you do what you can to be around him. Boundary number one tested and failed. You're not in love at this point but you've made the decision to continue. You made the choice of risk becoming more emotionally tangled.

 

At every stage your boundaries and morals are tested every test you fail and CHOOSE to continue. All before you're "IN LOVE"

 

Ahhh, okay. That makes more sense. It's not so much that the emotions are under your control, but when they start cropping up you can choose to pull back or to risk letting it develop further. Though clearly people don't always realise quite how risky it is, when every step seems small at the time.

 

In our case the in-love-with-two-people problem came about because he never got over me from our original relationship, even after I dumped him and he assumed I was gone forever.

[Chica80]

But DKT3's point was, if you are in a committed relationship, you should never put yourself in a situation where you are vulnerable to this. This was exactly the mistake I made. The first few conversations with the OW were innocent, but......there was something there - tension, curiosity, attraction. I chose to pretend (even to myself) that I hadn't noticed this and/or that it was harmless. I didn't even know at the time to what huge extent I was playing with fire. When we felt the first flush of "feelings", we should have wished each other the best, done a 180 and kept on walking - but we didn't and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Personally, I can't hide behind "it just happens". It happened because I didn't maintain appropriate boundaries. It happened because I allowed curiosity and intrigue to override respect and maturity. It happened because I was a selfish POS.

 

 

Thanks Jenkins big ((((hugs))))) back.

 

It has not been easy and the swings have been rough.

 

Curious? Do you think things would have continued longer if there wasn't a dday?

 

I agree with what you say.....it shouldn't happen. It's not a mistake because it's a choice you make over and over. Small "choices" you make over time that get you in deeper and deeper and before you know you are drowning.

 

That's MM. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't part of his "plan" but it was choices over time that got us in more and more.

[jenkins95]

Curious? Do you think things would have continued longer if there wasn't a dday?

 

I can honestly say that i was already looking to end it when d-day happened. I was waking up to what i was doing and that it was plain wrong. Sleepless nights, mental torture were increasingly kicking in and my internal voice telling myself that "everything would be ok" didn't cut it any more.

 

But i was weak....I let it drag on and on. Our need to indulge our addiction overrode everything else.

 

The very fact that we had d days shows the state we were in. We were so mentally tortured that we became careless add didn't cover or tracks well enough. In the end, amongst a thousand other emotions, when d day happened, one of the strongest feelings was that of relief.

 

Well over a year later and i am still often a mess, but things have moved positively on so much. Whatever our role in an a, recovery takes a long time.

 

Good luck sunshine!

[Chica80]

I used to "hope" for ddays. So things would end.

 

When we tried to distance or end things.

 

When I was angry about his lack of making a decision but not really making a decision.

 

When I'm really hurt....."how can his life be so picture perfect" newlyweds lovely pic.....and I felt like mine was falling apart.

 

Mostly because I hated the lies and I just wanted it to be ok over moving on. Or not but not this, oh we are friends that's BS. Like I said once I don't want to **** my "friends"

 

And there's the anger......

[Imajerk17]

Curious where you found 'husband' in the OP's starting post. Oh, right it's not there.

 

 

 

That's a valid opinion. How does it compare to your thoughts about your own affairs? Oh, right, not relevant. So, what is the purpose of your post, eh?

 

Interesting, but I stand by what I wrote. Anyway, my answer to your question about the purpose of my post:

 

1. This relationship (the end of?) is so painful because it is an AFFAIR. Think about it: If OP and her AP made their connection when both were SINGLE, do you think there would be this much pain about this? Why wouldn't that be?

 

2. OP was NOT a victim who was putting others before her. Instead, in making a DECISION to get involved in this (according to a previous thread of hers--it is impossible to respond to a post without considering relevant details in said poster's other threads by the way), she was putting **her own needs** before those of her husband or those of MM's WIFE. So I disagree with the 3rd item in the OP's list about "Lessons learned" because I don't think it is correct. At the end of the day, MM wouldn't or couldn't break away from his wife after all, so OP got burned for it. At any rate, victim-thinking by those who embark on affairs doesn't help anyone, especially in instances where other innocent parties--such as the spouses of those in the affair--are getting hurt.

 

3. You are correct sir, no affairs on my end. OR at least, I myself never had them. It doesn't make what I said above less true or less relevant.

Edited April 4, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Chica80]

Interesting, but I stand by what I wrote. Anyway, my answer to your question about the purpose of my post:

 

1. This relationship (the end of?) is so painful because it is an AFFAIR. Think about it: If OP and her AP made their connection when both were SINGLE, do you think there would be this much pain about this? Why wouldn't that be?

 

2. OP was NOT a victim who was putting others before her. Instead, in making a DECISION to get involved in this (according to a previous thread of hers--it is impossible to respond to a post without considering relevant details in said poster's other threads by the way), she was putting **her own needs** before those of her husband or those of MM's WIFE. So I disagree with the 3rd item in the OP's list about "Lessons learned" because I don't think it is correct. At the end of the day, MM wouldn't or couldn't break away from his wife after all, so OP got burned for it. At any rate, victim-thinking by those who embark on affairs doesn't help anyone, especially in instances where other innocent parties--such as the spouses of those in the affair--are getting hurt.

 

3. You are correct sir, no affairs on my end. OR at least, I myself never had them. It doesn't make what I said above less true or less relevant.

 

 

Actually......if you read my post as you say you have I have never claimed to be a victim.....quite the opposite actually....

 

I may have brought it on myself as you like to point out doesn't make the pain less.

 

Or the lessons learned any less valuable

[Imajerk17]

Actually......if you read my post as you say you have I have never claimed to be a victim.....quite the opposite actually....

 

I may have brought it on myself as you like to point out doesn't make the pain less.

 

Or the lessons learned any less valuable

YOU might be in pain, but what about the pain you caused other people? It is probably even worse than your pain, as they were betrayed. Doesn't *that* register in your 'Things you've learned'? Maybe it has. There seems to be no sign here that it does though.

 

As this thread is about 'Things learned in an A' I think this question is quite relevant and fair.

Edited April 4, 2017 by Imajerk17

[somanymistakes]

Is she required to wear a hairshirt and a scarlet letter and grovel every time she posts?

[Chica80]

YOU might be in pain, but what about the pain you caused other people? It is probably even worse than your pain, as they were betrayed. Doesn't *that* register in your 'Things you've learned'? Maybe it has. There seems to be no sign here that it does though.

 

As this thread is about 'Things learned in an A' I think this question is quite relevant and fair.

 

If you actually read through my threads and post you will see that I have addressed these things already. Lots.

 

As I already said before this is MY thread about MY thoughts in the moment. That is how I use LS. It's not always the same and its not all encompassing of every single feeling experience etc.

 

Thanks for your comments I no longer wish to respond.

If you have any more questions read my post and my threads. I have about 700. Plenty to answer all of your questions and concerns.

[Imajerk17]

OK. Well at any rate OP, I DO salute you for finally ending this affair. I wish you all the best in your healing in the meanwhile.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Doublegold]

"Imajerk : YOU might be in pain, but what about the pain you caused other people? It is probably even worse than your pain, as they were betrayed. Doesn't *that* register in your 'Things you've learned'? Maybe it has. There seems to be no sign here that it does though."

 

As this thread is about 'Things learned in an A' I think this question is quite relevant and fair.

 

Your points are noted. You are still a Jerk.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Doublegold

[freengreen]

I personally believe "loving" two people is BS. Sure it can happen, but the question is how does one allow it to happen. People in committed relationship should not allow themselves to become emotionally tangled with a secondary relationship, its a choice it doesn't just happen.

 

The question is what do you do about boundaries, and basic human respect that you don't allow yourself to place another partner in this position or interfere in another couples​relationship.

 

Chica I've watched as you've stuggled with the ending of you marriage, the excitement of hope with AP, than the crash. You've done alot of intropection but the question is what are you doing to ensure you won't cheat on the next partner with the next MM?

Allowing it to happen is the disaster. Insecurity feeds it.

 

Its always a pleasure agreeing to you DK3 .

[freengreen]

But DKT3's point was, if you are in a committed relationship, you should never put yourself in a situation where you are vulnerable to this. This was exactly the mistake I made. The first few conversations with the OW were innocent, but......there was something there - tension, curiosity, attraction. I chose to pretend (even to myself) that I hadn't noticed this and/or that it was harmless. I didn't even know at the time to what huge extent I was playing with fire. When we felt the first flush of "feelings", we should have wished each other the best, done a 180 and kept on walking - but we didn't and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Personally, I can't hide behind "it just happens". It happened because I didn't maintain appropriate boundaries. It happened because I allowed curiosity and intrigue to override respect and maturity. It happened because I was a selfish POS.

Amen to that. The bolded part is what the conscience is.

[jenkins95]

If you actually read through my threads and post you will see that I have addressed these things already. Lots.

 

As I already said before this is MY thread about MY thoughts in the moment. That is how I use LS. It's not always the same and its not all encompassing of every single feeling experience etc.

 

Thanks for your comments I no longer wish to respond.

If you have any more questions read my post and my threads. I have about 700. Plenty to answer all of your questions and concerns.

 

Yes!

 

Sunshine always writes very eloquently and compeltely owns her mistakes.

 

When former waywards post on LS, it is totally understandable that posters who have been betrayed will treat them with scepticism. On some level, we represent the very person that once hurt you very badly. I totally get that.

 

But this forum is here to support all of us, whether we were a wayward or betrayed. We are all on some level searching for the same goal - to understand what happened, own it and move towards recovery.

 

Let's get in each other's corner. Sunshine is one of the good guys, who has made mistakes in the past. She is looking for answers and support same as everyone else. I for one have received great support and understanding from her and she deserves the same.

[Chica80]

Yes!

 

Sunshine always writes very eloquently and compeltely owns her mistakes.

 

When former waywards post on LS, it is totally understandable that posters who have been betrayed will treat them with scepticism. On some level, we represent the very person that once hurt you very badly. I totally get that.

 

But this forum is here to support all of us, whether we were a wayward or betrayed. We are all on some level searching for the same goal - to understand what happened, own it and move towards recovery.

 

Let's get in each other's corner. Sunshine is one of the good guys, who has made mistakes in the past. She is looking for answers and support same as everyone else. I for one have received great support and understanding from her and she deserves the same.

 

Wow....thank you Jenkins. (Where's the tearful emoji)

[Chica80]

I'm not a OW and have never been one so I can't say much, it's a good list I guess.

 

I would suggest rethinking the bold part of this:

 

 

 

I'm not so sure that someone who is lying to his wife, kids, family, and is sneaking around is being his true self. He's had to lie to her and he's had to lie to you to get where he is.

 

Peace and love, and I'm glad you're moving on and being introspective.

 

What has he lied about exactly?

Not in my case there wasn't I love you my wife is awful. He didn't have children.

 

Who's to say that isn't a front a lie. Maybe it is.....or maybe the front is the one we put on for our parents, society, the expectations that are expected of us.

 

He didn't magically transform into someone else. He wasn't brainwashed. This is who he is a part of who he is. Does it encompass all of him no. It doesn't. It's why I don't believe in affair fog.....it's a convenient excuse for a bunch of ****ed up choices that you made. Because accepting what you did is looking at yourself and admitting this is part of who you are. That's why saying it was just sex.....is easy. Nothing to wrk on there if it was just I needed some extra on the side.

 

This doesn't apply to everyone or all A.

 

Between us. I believe it happened because he is conflict avoidant. Because he doesn't know how or won't express his needs. Because in trying to be selfless and take care of everyone else he did the most selfish thing possible.

 

Because deep down I believe we both have a fear of true intimacy. So you box it up and find it in a way that is "safe".

 

I can't speak to anyone else's. Marraige or anyone else's. A for that matter, because I wasn't there. What's between us was between us and no one else can truly speak to it because they were not there.

[Doublegold]

"Between us. I believe it happened because he is conflict avoidant. Because he doesn't know how or won't express his needs. Because in trying to be selfless and take care of everyone else he did the most selfish thing possible."

 

THIS. I know this man too.

[jenkins95]

"Between us. I believe it happened because he is conflict avoidant. Because he doesn't know how or won't express his needs. Because in trying to be selfless and take care of everyone else he did the most selfish thing possible."

 

THIS. I know this man too.

 

I AM this man!