Husband has been texting xMM

[harrybrown]

your H is a much better man than the OM.

 

The OM is a cheater, liar and hope you realize that he was a fantasy and a fake.

 

any good qualities that you think he had were fake.

 

every thing he did was to have sex with you.

 

Wish you would not have given him what he wanted, and I do hope you start realizing what a good man your H is, before it is too late.

[DKT3]

I don't know MM's current situation, but last I heard, his wife did know some things, but not everything. He was still denying as much as he could. My H has not told her (as far as I know!). Heck, maybe he has. They are supposedly divorcing.

 

How do you rebuild with little to no attraction? What's the end game? Fix a broken marriage with a man you don't respect all that much or have little to no attraction, then what?

 

I'm not trying to kick the bee hive, but your posts over the past few weeks make it seem like you're only doing this because you do know what else to do.

[Southern Sun]

your H is a much better man than the OM.

 

The OM is a cheater, liar and hope you realize that he was a fantasy and a fake.

 

any good qualities that you think he had were fake.

 

every thing he did was to have sex with you.

 

Wish you would not have given him what he wanted, and I do hope you start realizing what a good man your H is, before it is too late.

 

I completely agree with you; was just writing as to how things felt when they occurred.

[Southern Sun]

How do you rebuild with little to no attraction? What's the end game? Fix a broken marriage with a man you don't respect all that much or have little to no attraction, then what?

 

I'm not trying to kick the bee hive, but your posts over the past few weeks make it seem like you're only doing this because you do know what else to do.

 

I haven't said that I am not attracted to my H NOW. We have been working on our issues. I tried to answer these questions honestly, introspectively, but more specifically, they were how I felt at the time. I'm doing my best, which is what I hope most people do in a difficult situation.

[BetrayedH]

I haven't said that I am not attracted to my H NOW. We have been working on our issues. I tried to answer these questions honestly, introspectively, but more specifically, they were how I felt at the time. I'm doing my best, which is what I hope most people do in a difficult situation.

 

I think you're also like most people in that you'd like some positive reinforcement from time to time. You've been working on this for a year (which is a long time, by the way) and you're dying to feel like it's getting somewhere. I think that's one of the toughest things about reconciliation. I think it really feels like it's going nowhere for like, a couple years. And naturally, you want it to go faster. So you brainstorm what you can do, what he can do...

 

In the meantime, all of your normal marital issues get to sit on the backburner. Awesome.

 

Forgive my repetition but I truly do believe that the biggest key to recovery is your "consistent actions over time." That last part is the hard part. You can't shortcut it. If you try to make it quick, the recovery takes longer. Fast is slow and slow is fast.

[road]

How do you rebuild with little to no attraction? What's the end game? Fix a broken marriage with a man you don't respect all that much or have little to no attraction, then what?

 

I'm not trying to kick the bee hive, but your posts over the past few weeks make it seem like you're only doing this because you do know what else to do.

 

Many recoveries are based just on manning up and doing what

has to be done, the right thing. And feelings and attractions have

been restored.

[road]

I think you're also like most people in that you'd like some positive reinforcement from time to time. You've been working on this for a year (which is a long time, by the way) and you're dying to feel like it's getting somewhere. I think that's one of the toughest things about reconciliation. I think it really feels like it's going nowhere for like, a couple years. And naturally, you want it to go faster. So you brainstorm what you can do, what he can do...

 

In the meantime, all of your normal marital issues get to sit on the backburner. Awesome.

 

Forgive my repetition but I truly do believe that the biggest key to recovery is your "consistent actions over time." That last part is the hard part. You can't shortcut it. If you try to make it quick, the recovery takes longer. Fast is slow and slow is fast.

 

 

Working a year?

 

 

Recovery is a two to five years of work.

[wmacbride]

My H used to charge his phone at night openly out on the counter (as I do). Recently (after a confrontation we had about something else I saw on his phone), he stopped doing this. Suddenly his phone is out of sight at night. It is a noticeable change in routine. Obviously it has made me a little uncomfortable, in light of our history. I've discovered he is keeping it in a bag instead of charging it.

 

He has made a BIG DEAL about phone transparency since my affair and always talks about how we should be able to pick up each other's phones at any time. Now he is being weird.

 

I just managed to get his iPad (which he also keeps in his bag). I'm not seeing anything weird about another woman, but there were recent texts to xMM. Basically my H just saying angry, ugly words to him.

 

There was a history there showing my H texting him multiple times over the year. No response ever from xMM.

 

I just don't know how to feel about this. I am maintaining NC. And here my H is texting him these provocative, angry things. And obviously hasn't told me.

 

What the heck do I do?

 

It might be difficult to talk to him about it, but please try. He's sending these texts, which would seem to indicate that he's still hurting and angry.

 

Talking to him may not fix that, but it can help to strengthen the connection between you two, and give him a safe place to talk about how he feels.

 

From what you say, the ex-mm isn't responding or blocking him ( at least that you know of), so while texting him may not be the best thing he could be doing, it does;t seem to be having much of an impact. Is there any way that he can channel his anger and hurt into something that can help him to heal?

[BMI03]

Working a year?

 

 

Recovery is a two to five years of work.

 

Exactly. The affair was two and a half years? THAT is a long time....a year of working at it is just the opening credits in my opinion.

[DKT3]

Many recoveries are based just on manning up and doing what

has to be done, the right thing. And feelings and attractions have

been restored.

 

I don't believe that, I believe that is coexistence not a loving fulfilled marriage.

[DKT3]

Exactly. The affair was two and a half years? THAT is a long time....a year of working at it is just the opening credits in my opinion.

 

She deserves credit for her efforts. She is a strong woman, as evident by her willingness to answer these questions. We have MW who can't take it here, or who ignore the hard stuff and dismiss posters who call them on BS. SS isn't like that, that in itself shows growth and a true desire to head in the right direction. Kudos to her for that. Diamonds are made under great pressure, she is on her way to being a diamond.

[Friskyone4u]

Southern Sun

I don't know all the details of your LTA as I only read this thread.

But your husbands continuing to contact OM seems to me that he is trying to convince himself that the OM is the bad guy here so that he can find a valid reason not to divorce you.

It's not uncommon at all for BH to make these OM into some bigger than life super predators just out there like sharks cruising for married women. All that is is an excuse for whatever reason not to blame it on WW, who had to be just a poor innocent victim in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'm not saying you are thinking that but from what others who know more of the whole story that have commented here it seems like your long affair was awful not that they all aren't .

Unfortunately it appears you are in for a long recovery here and you'll have to accept that and it guess where you should be or how far along.

Time is the only answer . Hopefully he will focus his anger and blame wherenit

Belongs and make a decision one way or the other . That will be more difficult as long as he keeps deflecting

[Southern Sun]

I think you're also like most people in that you'd like some positive reinforcement from time to time. You've been working on this for a year (which is a long time, by the way) and you're dying to feel like it's getting somewhere. I think that's one of the toughest things about reconciliation. I think it really feels like it's going nowhere for like, a couple years. And naturally, you want it to go faster. So you brainstorm what you can do, what he can do...

 

In the meantime, all of your normal marital issues get to sit on the backburner. Awesome.

 

Forgive my repetition but I truly do believe that the biggest key to recovery is your "consistent actions over time." That last part is the hard part. You can't shortcut it. If you try to make it quick, the recovery takes longer. Fast is slow and slow is fast.

 

I think just knowing that what we're going through (considering the situation) is not abnormal...that helps tremendously. As well as his need to see my consistent actions over time...well, that just takes time. Thank you, BetrayedH.

[Southern Sun]

It might be difficult to talk to him about it, but please try. He's sending these texts, which would seem to indicate that he's still hurting and angry.

 

Talking to him may not fix that, but it can help to strengthen the connection between you two, and give him a safe place to talk about how he feels.

 

From what you say, the ex-mm isn't responding or blocking him ( at least that you know of), so while texting him may not be the best thing he could be doing, it does;t seem to be having much of an impact. Is there any way that he can channel his anger and hurt into something that can help him to heal?

 

I'm trying to figure out what to do. Maybe I can talk to him without directly saying I know. I mean, maybe I can try to give him some reassurance and an outlet without making him feel so exposed. I just haven't decided what's best yet.

[Southern Sun]

She deserves credit for her efforts. She is a strong woman, as evident by her willingness to answer these questions. We have MW who can't take it here, or who ignore the hard stuff and dismiss posters who call them on BS. SS isn't like that, that in itself shows growth and a true desire to head in the right direction. Kudos to her for that. Diamonds are made under great pressure, she is on her way to being a diamond.

 

I screwed up, big time. Thank you.

[usa1ah]

No, he refuses therapy, both IC and MC. He doesn't read and he doesn't talk to anyone. Not after the initial blow-up and the telling of EVERYONE.

 

I understand your point. He can do whatever he wants. I can't help him. This is my giving up point. I've told him everything about the affair. The OM would likely hide out as much as he could, with the exception of trying to get to ME. As far as I know, he is still lying to God and everybody on his end of things, so he's got way more to lose than I do.

 

What do you mean by this?

[Southern Sun]

Southern Sun

I don't know all the details of your LTA as I only read this thread.

But your husbands continuing to contact OM seems to me that he is trying to convince himself that the OM is the bad guy here so that he can find a valid reason not to divorce you.

It's not uncommon at all for BH to make these OM into some bigger than life super predators just out there like sharks cruising for married women. All that is is an excuse for whatever reason not to blame it on WW, who had to be just a poor innocent victim in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'm not saying you are thinking that but from what others who know more of the whole story that have commented here it seems like your long affair was awful not that they all aren't .

Unfortunately it appears you are in for a long recovery here and you'll have to accept that and it guess where you should be or how far along.

Time is the only answer . Hopefully he will focus his anger and blame wherenit

Belongs and make a decision one way or the other . That will be more difficult as long as he keeps deflecting

 

I've never tried make the situation any different than it was, as represented to my H.

 

Yes, the OM pretty much lead the relationship. No, I probably would have never had an affair had he not pursued me. But then, I did fall for him.

 

I hesitate to call the xOM predatory, but...I wonder. He was my boss, my mentor, someone I trusted. But I made my own choices. What can I say?

 

I felt pretty used and manipulated throughout the affair. But I was also confused by my feelings and was apparently getting something out of it. My H has to live with the knowledge that I went back to him over and over, in spite of thinking I was being used. It's impossible for me to explain my mindset.

 

I did end things. I did confess. But yes, it was bad. My H has the hard truth.

[Whoknew30]

Southern Sun, it takes however long it takes for him to move on. I know it's frustrating but it is what it is...2 years after my confession is when one day my H left & filed for separation. We had been in therapy, everything seemed better & he looked at me & said "I can't do this" & left.

 

I was ok with it bc I figured why be together if he really couldn't get over it but what he wanted was me to come running after him, which I didn't. Then after a while, he came running back saying he really wanted to move on.

 

My point, he needed that time to figure out if he really wanted to move on or really wanted to save our marriage...& not being together made him realize what he exactly he wanted, his choice alone, with no pressure...he needed a break from all of it.

 

There's no real guide with this & bottom line, you were the one in the wrong & he gets to handle it however he sees fit. He may another year down the line realize he can't forgive & leave, you just don't know.. All you can do, is do what you're doing but back off a bit on any mind frame of "well he said this it that" he can change his mind & remember you said you would never cheat but did...also total transparency doesn't mean reading everything your spouse doing just bc you can...it's about just knowing it's open to each other.

 

It can be a long hard road but if you two make it...sometimes it can be better. I'm 8 years out now & our marriage is so much better. Just have faith & patience, good luck

[Cephalopod]

I say stay out of it. He's a big boy. If he wants to talk smack to this OM then let him. Stop playing his mommy and stop trying to control the outcome. Your BH will do what he will do. All you can do is continue working on yourself and to find out why you gave yourself permission to upend your marriage and break your husband's heart. That is what you need to focus on.

[SydCar]

Your husband needs to know that you have seen the AP as the evil predatory person that he is. If you do see him as such then I would join in with your husband and say I understand why you are doing this, he needs to be given hell. Offer to help him destroy the AP.

[BetrayedH]

Working a year?

 

 

Recovery is a two to five years of work.

 

That was my point.

 

While, in most situations in life, a year is a long time to work on something without seeing tangible improvement, it's the norm for affair recovery to take multiple years. Put simply, it's too soon for her to be evaluating whether what she is doing is working or not. She's clearly frustrated and wanting to see movement in a positive direction by now. But it's not time for that.

[Southern Sun]

What do you mean by this?

 

His MO is trying to get to me. That's what he's always done. He's never sought out my H.

[DKT3]

Your husband needs to know that you have seen the AP as the evil predatory person that he is. If you do see him as such then I would join in with your husband and say I understand why you are doing this, he needs to be given hell. Offer to help him destroy the AP.

 

Well she was having sex with him for two and a half years so that idea may come off as disingenuous

 

Really the goal, as far as MM goes is indifference not hatred, hatred is still energy that occupies emotions and thought. No thought, no energy is best. Unlikely but best.

[Southern Sun]

Well she was having sex with him for two and a half years so that idea may come off as disingenuous

 

Really the goal, as far as MM goes is indifference not hatred, hatred is still energy that occupies emotions and thought. No thought, no energy is best. Unlikely but best.

 

It was so off and on, we were literally "off" a year out of the two and a half. I've learned, however, that this technicality doesn't help.

 

I am actually doing so much better in this regard. You don't know how much of a relief it is. I feel like I've been released.

[Friskyone4u]

I've never tried make the situation any different than it was, as represented to my H.

 

Yes, the OM pretty much lead the relationship. No, I probably would have never had an affair had he not pursued me. But then, I did fall for him.

 

I hesitate to call the xOM predatory, but...I wonder. He was my boss, my mentor, someone I trusted. But I made my own choices. What can I say?

 

I felt pretty used and manipulated throughout the affair. But I was also confused by my feelings and was apparently getting something out of it. My H has to live with the knowledge that I went back to him over and over, in spite of thinking I was being used. It's impossible for me to explain my mindset.

 

I did end things. I did confess. But yes, it was bad. My H has the hard truth.

 

You have a good handle on what you did if not why. But your husband is not focusing on you but is obsessed with writing these ridiculous correspondence to OM as an outlet not to face what he really has to. A therapist of someone has to tell him that and since you do not want him to know you know what he is doing that is hard.

 

Kind of similar to BH who want to physically confront OM as a means to blame OM who just wanted to get laid. So guys risk jail or possibly getting the crap beat out of themselves for this "avoidance" reaction.

 

If I were you, I'd start to worry when he stops because then he has nothing to distract himself with. Somehow, I think you will be better off if you can turn his attention to you and try to work it out one way or the other.