Husband has been texting xMM

[Southern Sun]

You have a good handle on what you did if not why. But your husband is not focusing on you but is obsessed with writing these ridiculous correspondence to OM as an outlet not to face what he really has to. A therapist of someone has to tell him that and since you do not want him to know you know what he is doing that is hard.

 

Kind of similar to BH who want to physically confront OM as a means to blame OM who just wanted to get laid. So guys risk jail or possibly getting the crap beat out of themselves for this "avoidance" reaction.

 

If I were you, I'd start to worry when he stops because then he has nothing to distract himself with. Somehow, I think you will be better off if you can turn his attention to you and try to work it out one way or the other.

 

It's not that I don't want him to know I know. I am trying to figure out the best way to handle it. He obviously didn't plan on telling me. The thing that pops into my mind, which I hate, is - what if my H actually suspects that the OM contacted me and told me about the texting? Rather than me seeing it by happenstance? I do not want to put that thought into his mind.

 

I'm just letting this sink in for a bit.

[Cymbeline]

I think I might leave it. He seems to have a number of issues to deal with, and I think if they can be sorted and if he comes to feel by your demeanour that you really have no space on your head for OM, he will stop.

 

The anger has to go somewhere. It's better than turning it inwards and drinking instead. It's a great shame he is unwilling to go for professional help.

[Quiet Storms]

SS,

 

I really think the posts by BetrayedH in this thread are spot on.

 

I can see how frustrating it must be to keep working on something, especially in avoiding contact with this MM when his entire existence seems to focus on getting you to talk to him, and then your H is contacting him and keeping it alive in that way. I can also totally understand why your H is doing what he is.

 

I would tend to take it as a positive sign that your H is doing this, because it seems like a phase he is working through to R. If he were done, I think he would have just walked away from it all.

 

Is your MM a predator? I firmly believe he is. Does that excuse the affair? Of course not, and you know it.

 

Remember too that things are going to get better for you in the coming months.

 

You are strong, and you are here baring your heart and soul in an honest way. You are accepting a lot of brutal criticism with grace and truthfulness. That speaks volumes for you.

 

Whatever happens, things will work out and you WILL be happy and fulfilled again. Remember the ridiculous fiasco that I told you about over the weekend? Well, I am already dating the guy I never should have stopped dating 2 years ago when all this started. Things DO work out. Especially when you face them with strength and honesty, as you are doing.

[BMI03]

She deserves credit for her efforts. She is a strong woman, as evident by her willingness to answer these questions. We have MW who can't take it here, or who ignore the hard stuff and dismiss posters who call them on BS. SS isn't like that, that in itself shows growth and a true desire to head in the right direction. Kudos to her for that. Diamonds are made under great pressure, she is on her way to being a diamond.

 

I don't disagree at all. Certainly deserves credit. All I'm saying is that she can't be the decision maker on when she has earned enough credit for him to get over it if he is still struggling with hurt.

[SydCar]

Well she was having sex with him for two and a half years so that idea may come off as disingenuous

 

Really the goal, as far as MM goes is indifference not hatred, hatred is still energy that occupies emotions and thought. No thought, no energy is best. Unlikely but best.

 

The point I am making is whether OP's husband really believes that she is remorseful. For her to be genuinely remorseful, she must see what the POS really is. An immoral or amoral predator. If she doesn't then she still sees him in some positive light and this will cause her husband to trigger forever. If on the other hand she genuinely understands that the POSOM is bad she would support her husband in his destruction.

 

At the moment she is too concerned with what her husband is doing to the POSOM and it may come across as harbouring some feelings for the POS.

[DKT3]

The point I am making is whether OP's husband really believes that she is remorseful. For her to be genuinely remorseful, she must see what the POS really is. An immoral or amoral predator. If she doesn't then she still sees him in some positive light and this will cause her husband to trigger forever. If on the other hand she genuinely understands that the POSOM is bad she would support her husband in his destruction.

 

At the moment she is too concerned with what her husband is doing to the POSOM and it may come across as harbouring some feelings for the POS.

 

I disagree, and believe it's extremely unhealthy. Her jumping on the hate train will only feed her husband's insecurities surrounding MM. After all she was sleeping with the guy, if he was all that bad then what am i, kinda thing, you know?

 

Also painting MM as the "bad guy" pushes responsibility to him, and creates a stage we're she doesn't hold herself accountable for her part. After all MM didn't take or steal anything from her husband, she willingly​ gave it, his anger is slightly misplaced, SS is the betrayer and source of pain, MM is only the car she rode in. Her joining in only reinforce this dysfunction

[Quiet Storms]

I find it kind of odd that people are talking about the OP in the third person, as if she isn't here. It comes across to me as a little.... what's the word.... preachy. I think that only SS knows how she feels about the MM - whether or not she has jumped on the "hate train".

 

SS, you feel what you feel. Not all A's are about sex, and I think yours was complicated by control maneuvers and manipulate behavior by this MM who had been your mentor for many years. I know that you lost yourself in the process. I remember that you said somewhere that, the second time you went back to him, you felt like you just had nothing else and nowhere to go. I know too that you are exploring why you felt that way and how to be more fulfilled in life and your marriage, which is the important thing.

 

Some people say that hate is not very far from love. Maybe that's true - with my most recent ex, I don't like him enough to hate him. I guess that is indifference, in a way. But this MM of yours, I would hate just on principle. You feel what you feel.

[Heathen]

What did he write in the text? I think that information may be telling as to where he really is in the R.

 

In looking at your most recent post, those of other BHs and the 5 stages, some things seem obvious.

 

Denial. The recent drinking may have been your H attempt to reconcile the head and the heart. His heart still loves you but his head tells him he is a idiot for doing so. It probably was extremely difficult to accept a reconciliation the first time, imagine doing it again in a short period of time. So he drank while the 2 of them duked it out.

 

Acceptance. Then he quit or slowed down the drinking on his own. He may have made a decision and the drink was no longer necessary. He probably wont tell you what the decision is until he feels safe with it.

 

Anger. The angry text. Some write that his anger is misplaced. But what if he sees no point in being angry at the OP? I am sure he was very angry the first time and took it out on the OP, but that got him nowhere. She continued the affair. He may see it as pointless to direct his anger at her and goes for the other target. If he was ranting at the AP for destroying his marriage, that may be telling. Again, what did he write?

 

Finally, If he goes silent, or things become strangely calm, you may have a big problem. He will start to protect himself and the decision may no longer be yours. Silence is a deadly answer.

 

I hold no judgement on your behavior, and you do seem to be making a serious effort. This post is about your H and when I read about his behavior, I fear your next thread may be in the Separation and Divorce section.

 

Your H is not close to healed. That's where you really are.

 

A prayer for your family

[Kat Keller]

Please, I don't give a crap about the AP. That isn't the angle I was taking. I just wish he wouldn't continue to invite him into our life in any way when we are desperately trying to rebuild.

 

I think your husband is hurting and doing the texting just out of pain and frustration. If your AP isn't responding or anything then maybe he deleted or blocked and isn't even getting those messages. So it might be just cathartic for your husband to do. Since no exchanges happen then it doesn't seem like it's really hurting anyone.

 

 

Is it possible to remind your husband that you are really doing what needs to be done on your end to rebuild and that you hope that you two are on the same page of moving beyond what happened with your former AP? You know like a casual ... "check in" just to see what he says.

 

 

I don't think it's a good idea to mention that you went through his things though which might open another can of worms of turmoil. But maybe kind reminders that you are very happy to be rebuilding with him and so glad you two are leaving that behind you...maybe it will refocus him.

[SydCar]

The POSOM doesn't have to be painted out to be a bad guy - he WAS A BAD GUY! An immoral predator. So was the OP at the time.

 

 

If she sees him as anything else than a bad guy, I would be concerned. This was not some great love affair. If it was then they certainly should have divorced! This was a chance to get into each others pants!

 

And it is to be expected for her husband to want revenge on both of them. He has decided not to do this with his wife but the POSOM is fair game. And his wife cannot really tell him not to without coming off as supporting or still having feelings for the POSOM.

 

And I still maintain, if the OP has truly woken up and seen the POSOM for what he is she would understand why her husband is doing this.

[DKT3]

The POSOM doesn't have to be painted out to be a bad guy - he WAS A BAD GUY! An immoral predator. So was the OP at the time.

 

 

If she sees him as anything else than a bad guy, I would be concerned. This was not some great love affair. If it was then they certainly should have divorced! This was a chance to get into each others pants!

 

And it is to be expected for her husband to want revenge on both of them. He has decided not to do this with his wife but the POSOM is fair game. And his wife cannot really tell him not to without coming off as supporting or still having feelings for the POSOM.

 

And I still maintain, if the OP has truly woken up and seen the POSOM for what he is she would understand why her husband is doing this.

 

The mm is a bad guy in his situation (with his wife and kids) but owes no loyalty to southerns husband and kids so no, in her situation he isn't the bad guy.

 

It's hard to separate the behavior of two people in an affair, if he is a POS than doesn't that make her the same?

 

Southern, in my opinion is doing a good job dealing with this, there is no perfect way to handle it, no matter what direction she goes with any decisions she make someone will say she should have done it the opposite.

[SydCar]

The mm is a bad guy in his situation (with his wife and kids) but owes no loyalty to southerns husband and kids so no, in her situation he isn't the bad guy.

 

It's hard to separate the behavior of two people in an affair, if he is a POS than doesn't that make her the same?

 

Southern, in my opinion is doing a good job dealing with this, there is no perfect way to handle it, no matter what direction she goes with any decisions she make someone will say she should have done it the opposite.

 

This is like saying that if the POSOM stabbed somebody in the gut he is a bad guy because he upset his family but he owes nothing to the guy he stabbed. He is a bad guy because of what he did - pursuing a married woman! He is a bad guy particularly in the eyes of the two betrayed spouses - Southern Sun's husband and his wife.

 

Southern Sun's husband is lashing out because the turd appears to have got away scott-free with no consequences leaving destruction around him. Southern Sun needs to understand this (and yes she too was a POS for doing what she did but she is facing consequences). She needs to support her husband but maybe show him a better way.

 

And I definitely come from the camp that says her husband should take the POSOM down in any way he can if he can do it without damage to himself.

[understand50]

Southern Sun,

 

The root of the issue, is that your husband and yourself are not communicating. He is putting is anger on the OM, and while the OM does deserve a lot of anger from him, it is in the end misplaced. You willing engaged in this action, and should be the focal point for him to heal. He cannot talk to you, so he lashes out at your AP. This is not healthy, as while myself, it I had meet my wife AP I would have busted him in the month, in the end what was needed was between us, and only us. You need to take the lead and finally get the OM out of both your life's. Until you do so, your husband will not be able to heal, not be able to set aside the pain he is feeling right now.

 

You both need to sit down and talk things out as honest as you can and for as long as it takes. You need to make yourself available so he can. I pointed out in a past post to you that reconciliation, is not inherently a skill that is known. Add to it, each couple and person is unique, and you can see that one must learn as you go. This is a twist, that you will need to overcome. You sense things are not going well. My only thought is that the commutation between you is still not good, and that will have to fixed. Once done, I hope other things will fall into place.

 

I wish you luck.....

[aliveagain]

I find it kind of odd that people are talking about the OP in the third person, as if she isn't here. It comes across to me as a little.... what's the word.... preachy. I think that only SS knows how she feels about the MM - whether or not she has jumped on the "hate train".

 

SS, you feel what you feel. Not all A's are about sex, and I think yours was complicated by control maneuvers and manipulate behavior by this MM who had been your mentor for many years. I know that you lost yourself in the process. I remember that you said somewhere that, the second time you went back to him, you felt like you just had nothing else and nowhere to go. I know too that you are exploring why you felt that way and how to be more fulfilled in life and your marriage, which is the important thing.

 

Some people say that hate is not very far from love. Maybe that's true - with my most recent ex, I don't like him enough to hate him. I guess that is indifference, in a way. But this MM of yours, I would hate just on principle. You feel what you feel.

 

Sometimes it just takes a long time to get over the lies, the deception and the hurt a wayward spouses secret life causes a betrayed spouse. Sometimes when you really hurt you feel powerless to make the pain go away and you act out your anger against the other man/woman rather then your unfaithful partner because you don't want to loose them. Most people that cheat never really think about what they will face after their affair is discovered. They are never prepared for the overwhelming emotional distress they have caused not only their spouse but everyone that loves them. This is a life changing event for both of you and he needs to grieve as long as it takes. The best thing you can do is influence him in positive ways.

[Marc878]

SS,

 

It might be a good time for you yo set up a weekend or vacation getaway.

 

Plan something fun and distracting. Women are always great at these things.

 

It could be therapeutic for you both.

[Simoo]

I think you should really know what's going on with ur husband and I think I can clarify that, ur husband's first reaction was anger and name calling and stuff after he decided to reconcile but it's still hard cuz he found out u cut om off then got back to him and it wasn't just a fling or ONS it was 2 years, two whole years of deceit and being lied to, and I can't imagine the films in his head, so he needs to vent, but not on u cuz he decided to forgive u, not to a therapist he wants to seem tough so he just swears on the OM, and as much as people say it's the emotional stuff that Hurts the most it's complete bs, the thought of your wife having the most intimate thing with another than u is hard on anyone whoever he may be and that's really not an easy thing to move on from so I think u should just let him vent and deal with this the way he wiches, u at leat owe him that.

[road]

I think you should really know what's going on with ur husband and I think I can clarify that, ur husband's first reaction was anger and name calling and stuff after he decided to reconcile but it's still hard cuz he found out u cut om off then got back to him and it wasn't just a fling or ONS it was 2 years, two whole years of deceit and being lied to, and I can't imagine the films in his head, so he needs to vent, but not on u cuz he decided to forgive u, not to a therapist he wants to seem tough so he just swears on the OM, and as much as people say it's the emotional stuff that Hurts the most it's complete bs, the thought of your wife having the most intimate thing with another than u is hard on anyone whoever he may be and that's really not an easy thing to move on from so I think u should just let him vent and deal with this the way he wiches, u at leat owe him that.

 

Letting him deal anyway he chooses means he can choose the

wrong way. That is bad advice.

 

OP steer him to the forum. Tell him there are many BH's that

will help him recover.

[Southern Sun]

Lots of opinions and I appreciate them all.

 

From my perspective, what happened is that every now and then, my husband's anger towards xMM flares. And he finds it irresistible to not fling some words at him in an effort to put him in his place. I get those words sometimes too.

 

He did it. Nothing has come of it, like every other time apparently. I'm not going to force this out of him. I am going to try to keep the lines of communication open between us otherwise.

 

We do have some fun things going on. We're doing okay.

[harrybrown]

help him to get back at the OM.

 

You are very resourceful. You had the A for a long time.

 

Use some of the cunning and energy used in the A to help your H get some revenge on the OM.

 

You can think of something.

[Simoo]

Lots of opinions and I appreciate them all.

 

From my perspective, what happened is that every now and then, my husband's anger towards xMM flares. And he finds it irresistible to not fling some words at him in an effort to put him in his place. I get those words sometimes too.

He did it. Nothing has come of it, like every other time apparently. I'm not going to force this out of him. I am going to try to keep the lines of communication open between us otherwise.

 

We do have some fun things going on. We're doing okay.

What kind of questions did ur husband ask after dday and we're u able to answer them ? and what did it take him to try and work things out ?