Being accused of cheating by girlfriend

[summerr2017]

Hi everyone new to this.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been dating exactly a year today. Over the last 6 months my girlfriend has constantly been accusing me of cheating when I haven't. I would never ever cheat on her...

 

Everyday she's upset and says that I'm selfish.. For example today we met up at a restaurant, everything was going great! When all of a sudden her mood changed because I went to the toilet with my phone. When I came back she was angry because she thought I was talking to girls in the toilet?

 

Also yesterday she was really angry because I was working all day and I never had time to message her, so she blocked and unblocked me on Whatsapp.

 

I feel at times her behavior is absolutely ridiculous. Everything I do and say is taken out of context even the most smallest things.. To conclude, today she texted me ''we should try to fix things, the relationship is so damaged and it's never been like this before. I'll try to be more easy to make it less difficult to fix. Saying and actions are not the same thing believe me.. Please understand how I feel but these thoughts can put the relationship in trouble''

 

In all honesty I'm trying to understand how she feels but at the same time I feel like I haven't done anything wrong?? It's starting to make me feel like the relationship is some sort of 24/7 job. I mean I'll do more things that she wants me to do but I have a life too you know Constantly being called a cheater! I once caught her on that Plenty Of Fish dating application. She did get scared though when I caught her and she said sorry she'd never do that again but at the same time I felt like she felt she was in the right for doing that.. But I forgave her so it's cool because I trust her.

Edited April 4, 2017 by summerr2017

[frus69]

Two things

1. What did you do or what happened to you guys that made her so suspicious for the last 6 months, because the first 6 months she wasnt like this? Did you give her any reason to doubt you.

2. If you are sure you did nothing wrong, it is possible she is cheating or has the urge to. Her being on POF proves this more. Cheaters typically think everyone else cheats as well. She thinks you were talking to someone when you took your phone to the bathroom because that's what she would do.

Edited April 4, 2017 by frus69

[summerr2017]

Two things

1. What did you do or what happened to you guys that made her so suspicious for the last 6 months, because the first 6 months she wasnt like this? Did you give her any reason to doubt you.

2. If you are sure you did nothing wrong, it is possible she is cheating or has the urge to. Her being on POF proves this more. Cheaters typically think everyone else cheats as well.

 

Hi thanks for the quick response, great questions.

 

1. Well at first everything was all new as we where both getting to know each other so naturally I was putting in more energy towards her but still to this day she demands that high level of romantic role play.. It's been a year already so I feel as If don't need to do that every day anymore as I know her on a deeper level as I feel it's a bit over the top now. Plus I'm not the romantic type.

 

2. Again, I've done nothing wrong but I've become a little less engaged which is natural after a year. I don't think she's cheating but I believe she has the urge/moments, but she regrets it as she loves me..

Edited April 4, 2017 by summerr2017

[basil67]

Ok, if you're guarding your phone like a dog with his food, I could see that she finds your behaviour suspect.

 

But if you're not doing this with your phone, please dump her. Her behaviour is quite simply unacceptable and it's not going to stop. Don't ever stay with someone who frequently exhibits ridiculous behaviour.

[frus69]

Hi thanks for the quick response, great questions.

 

1. Well at first everything was all new as we where both getting to know each other so naturally I was putting in more energy towards her but still to this day she demands that high level of romantic role play.. It's been a year already so I feel as If don't need to do that every day anymore as I know her on a deeper level as I feel it's a bit over the top now. Plus I'm not the romantic type.

 

2. Again, I've done nothing wrong but I've become a little less engaged which is natural after a year. I don't think she's cheating but I believe she has the urge/moments, but she regrets it as she loves me..

 

I don't know the details of your relationship, having said that dont think you are in the wrong here. And I would really look into her cheating "urge". I dont believe for a second this is love. and I don't think it's just a "slip".

[GemmaUK]

I agree with you OP that after a year things naturally calm down.

 

I'm also one for making sure my phone is with me when out and about. I would never leave it on a table, phones are too easily picked up.

I also don't ever need nor want to look at a partner's phone out of respect to them and their privacy - and I expect the same respect in return.

 

I dated a guy who took it several levels further and he told me one day that I wasn't allowed to get up from our lunch table when the food arrived to step 2 feet away to the next empty table to grab salt and pepper.

I'm not sure what he thought I was going to do in that couple of seconds of time though! Lol!

 

He never actually accused me of cheating but various things manifested that made it obvious he thought I was (FWIW I have never cheated on anyone in my life).

 

All I do know for sure is that this type of behaviour does not get any better - it just gets worse.

[road]

Dump her.

 

 

I am not saying she is but some cheaters become paranoid.

[Downtown]

Summer, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, frequent temper tantrums and hissy fits over nothing, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

Everyday she's upset and says that I'm selfish.. For example today we met up at a restaurant, everything was going great! When all of a sudden her mood changed because I went to the toilet with my phone. When I came back she was angry because she thought I was talking to girls in the toilet?

You are describing a rapid, event-triggered mood change that occurs in last than a minute -- often in only ten seconds. Such mood flips typically last a few hours, at which point the mood will flip back just as quickly as it began. Significantly, one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD behavior is "Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days." And another BPD symptom is "Having stress-related paranoid thoughts." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

My girlfriend has constantly been accusing me of cheating when I haven't.

You are describing irrational jealousy, which is how people typically behave when they have a great fear of abandonment. I mention this because that abandonment fear is one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD.

 

Also yesterday she was really angry because I was working all day and I never had time to message her, so she blocked and unblocked me on Whatsapp.

You seem to be describing serious anger issues. Significantly, another one of the 9 defining symptoms is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." You also are describing a woman who has great difficulty controlling her own emotions. I therefore observe that another one of the 9 BPD symptoms is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been dating exactly a year today. Over the last 6 months....

If your GF really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, they would have started showing about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- as you describe. During those early months, her infatuation would have convinced her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation would have held her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Those two fears would have quickly returned, however, as soon as the infatuation started to evaporate.

 

It's starting to make me feel like the relationship is some sort of 24/7 job.

If you actually have been dating a woman with strong BPD traits for a year, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling like it is "some sort of 24/7 job." It is very confusing and disorienting to date a person whom you know must love you but who is treating you abusively -- claiming you are being selfish and are cheating. This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I'm trying to understand how she feels.

Summer, I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," frequent irrational jealousy, and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although spotting BPD symptoms is easy after you've been dating for a year, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning the warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic R/S or, when you leave, avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Summer.

Edited April 4, 2017 by Downtown

[ChatroomHero]

Right away my first though was solidly, she's cheating. Then you added this nugget, "I once caught her on that Plenty Of Fish dating application."

 

 

She is cheating. The only way she can handle the guilt is to turn the tables on you and make it your fault she cheated.

[smackie9]

She may not be cheating but since she is a cheat in the past, she thinks everyone cheats. Whatever the case may be, you need to end this. This is why we date, so we can find out what they are really like in all kind of situations....this is just going down hill fast and furious. Put her out of her paranoid misery.

[LostOnes05]

Not only does she sound like an expert at gaslighting, she sounds like she has some major emotional issues (BPD, maybe???), and yeah she's probably cheating if you caught her with the POF dating app. That alone should've gotten her put into the X-Files.

[d0nnivain]

Drama queen much?

 

 

I dated a guy like that. After a few months, I broke up with him. I tried explaining that I wasn't cheating. He was always suspicious. Finally I'd had it & said, "look you don't trust me. I never did anything to you but I can't continue to be berated for stuff I am not doing. I'd rather be single." A few weeks later when I wasn't with the guy my EX always suspected he finally believed there was nothing there & begged me to come back but I was so done.

 

 

Before you dump her, turn it around on her. Make her explain what you have ever done to make her not trust you. Remind her without trust there is no relationship. Ask what it would take for her to actually stop with these unfounded accusations. If she can't give you concrete reasonable answers, end it because there is not much there. If she says be patient with me, that is too vague. If she wants unfettered access to your phone, passwords, etc. walk away.

[Space Ritual]

Dude,

 

why don't you take a moment and jot down all the pros and cons of continuing this relationship?

 

I would bet the Cons far outweigh the Pros.

 

At any rate, people who constantly accuse somebody of something are often doing the same thing. Take a look around this sub forum.

 

That aside, if you feel the relationship is a job then it is something you must reconsider. Because one of these days, when she accuses you of cheating, you may just say:

 

"You know what? She keeps telling me I am cheating so I might as well do it!".

 

Believe me that would not be the way to go, but I am sure you may arrive at that point if you keep getting browbeaten like his.

 

In your shoes, I would not care how long I'd been with her. I'd be dumping her like yesterday's garbage.

[preraph]

Unless you know you're doing something to make her suspicious or jealous (like Donnivain said, such as guarding your phone) or some other thing, this is her big insecurity problem and there will be no solving it. She will never believe you wouldn't cheat if you had the chance because that's the way SHE thinks and she isn't confident she can keep you and the worst part is she isn't smart enough to know that monitoring someone wouldn't prevent cheating anyway because you can always find a way and too dumb to realize she's going to create her biggest fear, which is losing you. But she's never going to be happy, so the sooner you get out, the better, and you'll have to block her. And she will not have a clue what happened and will insist it must be another woman.

[summerr2017]

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although spotting BPD symptoms is easy after you've been dating for a year, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning the warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic R/S or, when you leave, avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Summer.

 

Hi DownTown, excellent analytical research you've done there. You should start vlogging on YouTube with such detailed information on BPD... As a sufferer of social anxiety and insomia myself I'm quite familiar with BPD from reading psychology books (at a general level).

 

In fact, I tried speaking to my girlfriend before about this as I'm fully convinced she has BPD at a moderate/high level than the average person.. To dig deeper, I'm aware that anxiety and BPD can be triggered by childhood/past traumatic events (correct me if I'm wrong). But my girlfriends first love was when she was around 15 years old. Her and her ex boyfriend where together for around 7 years before she fount out she was getting cheated on by him.. I'm so sure that's one of the main reasons to her 'obsession' with cheating (she must've been hurt really bad).

 

But I've often suggested to her that she may need help with BPD and maybe the root cause to her/our problems in this relationship maybe because of her past traumatic experiences with her childhood love that need healing.. But every time I mention it she denies it and say's ''No, it's you. These trust problems I'm having are the first time I've ever experienced this in my life''. Personally I think that's BS as she doesn't take my anxiety and insomia seriously. She's completely uneducated on psychology so she isn't even aware of herself. She acts as if anxiety can be switched off by saying to yourself ''Hey, I'm normal''..

 

BTW this is my first official relationship and this is her fourth, so I'm having to slightly question myself at times ''is it me or is it her?'' But I'm mature enough to understand that I know I'm not going crazy..

[summerr2017]

If she says be patient with me, that is too vague. If she wants unfettered access to your phone, passwords, etc. walk away.

You know what, I was so sick of hearing her accuse me that I gave her my passwords to everything the other week. She never requested them but I just thought fu*k it, have nothing to hide.. Then she went through my phone and found nothing!! Zero. Because there is nothing.. Then she said ''Nah, you're just good at hiding things well'', I can't win..

[summerr2017]

Right away my first though was solidly, she's cheating. Then you added this nugget, "I once caught her on that Plenty Of Fish dating application."

 

 

She is cheating. The only way she can handle the guilt is to turn the tables on you and make it your fault she cheated.

 

Hmm, I know what you're saying but I don't think she's cheating. She might have talked to guys to reassure her insecurities but I know she isn't cheating. The relationship isn't that screwed for her, nor myself to move on.

[bubbaganoosh]

How about this. Open your mouth and let her know that her constant harping on you is getting on your nerves and if she doesn't stop then she can go find someone else to browbeat.

 

To me it's verbal abuse and you shouldn't have to take it so let her know that your at the end of your rope and give it back to her in spades and let her know you haven't forgot that she was the one lurking at a dating site and not you.

[Space Ritual]

You know what, I was so sick of hearing her accuse me that I gave her my passwords to everything the other week. She never requested them but I just thought fu*k it, have nothing to hide.. Then she went through my phone and found nothing!! Zero. Because there is nothing.. Then she said ''Nah, you're just good at hiding things well'', I can't win..

 

What the hell are you doing, kid?

 

Get rid of her.

 

It does not take some BPD diagnosis, it just takes common sense.

 

If your friend told you this story about his GF would you not tell him to get rid of her?

Grow a pair and pull the plug.

[Space Ritual]

Hmm, I know what you're saying but I don't think she's cheating. She might have talked to guys to reassure her insecurities but I know she isn't cheating. The relationship isn't that screwed for her, nor myself to move on.

 

You know a lot of us thought the same thing before we landed here. Many of us were pretty sure our Significant Other was many things, but certainly not a cheater.

 

Yet...here we are.

 

The fact of the matter is that you can never be certain what somebody that purports to love you is capable of. Read a bit around here if you don't believe me. Nothing surprises me anymore.

[frus69]

Hmm, I know what you're saying but I don't think she's cheating. She might have talked to guys to reassure her insecurities but I know she isn't cheating. The relationship isn't that screwed for her, nor myself to move on.

 

Sooner or later she will cheat, because of her insecurity or not.Of course you dont believe this.

You seem to think "because she is insecure, or was hurt before, or has BPD, I allow her to make some mistake, to talk to some other guy, to even cheat maybe". You seem to want to save her because you think she is so damaged.

 

Frankly, doesn't look like you will leave her. So I'm not sure what advice you want here. Your GF doesnt want your help, just like you don't want our help either.

[d0nnivain]

You know what, I was so sick of hearing her accuse me that I gave her my passwords to everything the other week. She never requested them but I just thought fu*k it, have nothing to hide.. Then she went through my phone and found nothing!! Zero. Because there is nothing.. Then she said ''Nah, you're just good at hiding things well'', I can't win..

 

 

 

Are you kidding me? Why are you still with this woman? She's too suspicious. (I typed then deleted a few more choice words to describe her but figured they'd get me kicked off LS).

 

 

She doesn't know how to trust. In the absence of trust, she can't have a relationship.

 

 

You need to end this for your own sanity. You are right. You can't win. To quote the computer from that 80s movie about nuclear destruction where the computer plays tic tac toe: The only move is not to play.

Edited April 5, 2017 by d0nnivain

[Downtown]

...she was getting cheated on by him. I'm so sure that's one of the main reasons to her 'obsession' with cheating (she must've been hurt really bad).

Summer, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, her strong fear of abandonment -- as is evident in her "obsession with cheating" -- likely was fully entrenched in early childhood, probably before she was five. Granted, her exBF didn't help things when he cheated on her in her late teens, but an abuse/abandonment trauma in early childhood is far more damaging. It can cause her emotional development to freeze, preventing her from learning how to trust, how to self sooth, how to control emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

She denies it and say's ''No, it's you. These trust problems I'm having are the first time I've ever experienced this in my life''. Personally I think that's BS.

I agree with you if she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits). In that case, however, she likely believes the nonsense coming out of her mouth. The main reason is that a BPDer's feelings are so intense and she is so immature that she mistakenly concludes that any feeling that intense MUST be true. In this way, a BPDer's perception of reality -- like that of a young child -- is dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

 

But I forgave her so it's cool because I trust her.

If she is an untreated BPDer, you cannot trust her. The reason is that she is an unstable woman who is incapable of trusting YOU. This means she can turn on you at any moment -- and she certainly will if she is a BPDer.

[summerr2017]

I just woke up having the worst nightmare ever guys never experienced such a horrible feeling like this before. After reading all these comments and being more aware of BPD. It's making me start to feel like I trust her less and seeing her as some sort of problem. Plus she also had another episode last night over nothing.. Basically I caught her cheating in my dream. Something doesn't feel right at all, but I know she'd never cheat, I'm sure but mentally this arguing is a form.of cheating in a sense as she doesn't trust me.. I know I'm half asleep atm and things might clear up tomorrow but something deep down I can't explain feels like I'm getting a feeling of confusion, lost and have distrust towards her.. my mind feels messed up.. The thought of me talking to her about this makes me feel unenthusiastic and feels a bit pointless, like it just feels negative or there's no point as she isn't on my level... This relationship is messed up but I do love her but I don't feel like I'm crazy for her, I mean maybe that's the problem all along, but how can I fall in love with someone on a deeper level if she's all screwed up like this... this is so confusing

[d0nnivain]

I'm not one who believes that she is accusing you of cheating because she is. Maybe, she is this distrustful because she was cheated on.

 

Put the issue of her fidelity aside for a minute.

 

 

You say you love her but you are not crazy about her. I don't know exactly what that means but my Q to you, is how much do you love yourself? Are you really willing to continue to put up with this? If so why?

 

 

Love doesn't conquer all.

 

 

Again, never having met her & not being a mental health professional, I'm not going to say she has BPD. But whether she has a mental illness or is just distrustful, all the love in the world isn't going to "fix" her.

 

 

Sometimes you simply need to cut your losses.