Patronizing

[aileD]

Why do some people tell you you're being patronizing or get offended when you tell them you will say a prayer for them?

 

I think it's nice that someone would think about you enough to say a prayer for your happiness or for help in solving s problem or peace or whatever

[elaine567]

I think some people hate religion, full stop.

And, some people do not like to think they are in need of so much help that someone else would think of praying for them.

They think they are doing fine and are offended that someone else would think they are struggling emotionally, ethically, financially, morally, spiritually, etc.

A "Thanks but no thanks" sort of attitude.

Of course "I will say a prayer for you (you poor thing)" can be seen as patronising, and can be met with a lot of defensiveness or pricklyness as it can sometimes be used as a put down.

 

I am not particularly religious. but if someone wants to pray for me then I am glad of all the help I can get...

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[carhill]

Without context, it's difficult to assess.

 

What's the motivation for praying? How is that motivation conveyed or expressed?

[Shanex]

I'm hardly religious, but I'd take this positively. Someone praying for me, be it Allah or God, whatever means that at least they think about me... now will it work? The religious would believe so, but I'm not offended by that in any way.

[BC1980]

It makes me uncomfortable when people say they will pray for me. Mostly, I think it will have no impact on the outcome. I also find that offering a prayer is something that is thrown around all the time and not very genuine. My worldview is very different I guess. I don't view prayer as an opportunity to ask God for things. I see prayer as an open line to talk to God for comfort, but I would never pray to God for the purpose of asking for something. So it makes me uncomfortable when someone wants to do that on my behalf. Praying for the healing of any illness makes me exceptionally uncomfortable. If there is a God, I don't think he/she/it dips into our lives and changes the outcome.

[basil67]

I saw a friend post something about this but in a more spiritual sense recently. She's the single mum to a very disabled child.

 

She said "people say to me, 'so when is the universe going to help you'?". But she notes that the same people do absolutely nothing practical to help her. These people are all words. Words are not much help if what a person needs most is financial or practical assistance. Of course, if you are already giving much practical assistance, those words will have substance.

[todreaminblue]

I saw a friend post something about this but in a more spiritual sense recently. She's the single mum to a very disabled child.

 

She said "people say to me, 'so when is the universe going to help you'?". But she notes that the same people do absolutely nothing practical to help her. These people are all words. Words are not much help if what a person needs most is financial or practical assistance. Of course, if you are already giving much practical assistance, those words will have substance.

 

 

 

i agree basil.there are peopel who would say that to fob people off ...its almost a blase atttitude .patronizing and dismissive of the actual struggle that person has.......i have been in need of help its hard for me to ask .....for help i hardly ever do ...i have had at times been at thend of a dismissive reply........so to think people actually sincerely pray for me and have some inkling of how much i struggle is a beautiful thought i hold close to my heart...for i believe god answers prayers...and sometimes i cant even ask god for help myself i feel like a burden.....

 

 

if someone is in need of help my first response is normally what can i do to help you how can i make this easier on you......what do you need how can i get it.....

 

when i cant be with someone i care about physically or i have exhausted all my advice and nothing i can do to help them would ever really work...i tell them il will pray fro you...i have had to do this with my daughter...and i have asked her to pray for herself as well and i have asked other people to pray fro her going for multiple prayers......i cant solve aND FIX everythiNG no matter how hard i try and praying is often the best answer and the only answer that can give me peace that god will take over and help the person i really want helped...

 

 

at times i reach to help others by asking others to help those people as well.....before i pray or i pray and i am inspired to reach out to others to help others........i always mean it..i try to set up support networks for friends and family next door neighbours....im not perfect but i do good when i can...and follow the whispers in my heart from prayers i feel are answered..........my prayers are mostly for others.....or thanking god.....or asking god to guide me to people who need help.....or guide them to me...so basil i truly believe when people say i will pray fo ryou......

 

 

a lot of the time it is because they dont know what they can do to help the person they say i will pray too..... other than to pray its their only answer they can think of that might make a difference.............deb.......

Edited April 4, 2017 by todreaminblue

[BC1980]

I saw a friend post something about this but in a more spiritual sense recently. She's the single mum to a very disabled child.

 

She said "people say to me, 'so when is the universe going to help you'?". But she notes that the same people do absolutely nothing practical to help her. These people are all words. Words are not much help if what a person needs most is financial or practical assistance. Of course, if you are already giving much practical assistance, those words will have substance.

 

That's a good point. I see so many people on social media offering prayers, and it's seems so hollow. If prayer could actually change the outcome, I think we would have figured that out by now.

[carhill]

Back in the day when under the iron fist of the Catholic Church, when praying or as I liked to put talking to God, I never announced or communicated to others if/when including them or references to them in my prayers, rather just did it privately. Generally though it was talk to gain guidance in dealing with others

 

What's IMO missing in the example is the how and why?

 

Say someone is sick..... express support and concern and then go off and pray for the person to regain health. That's one example of a bazillion. It's really hard to discern, even to a modest degree, why someone would feel patronized without knowing the circumstances and context. If someone expressed concern and support when I was facing difficult times or was feeling low, I'd be appreciative. Everyone's different.

[aileD]

I don't know I'm new at this. I've returned to religion recently ( wasn't happy with catholic faith growing up, I am Christian now)....and just don't want to offend people I guess. I do actually say a prayer for the people I say it to, it's not some hollow phrase.

[mikeylo]

Hollow is the right word here.

 

Saying a prayer for you is an easy cop out to actually help someone out. Most people do understand this standard reply. It's a good test though.

[aileD]

Hollow is the right word here.

 

Saying a prayer for you is an easy cop out to actually help someone out. Most people do understand this standard reply. It's a good test though.

 

What if it's a stranger on an Internet forum and you can't physically help them?

 

All you can do is say a prayer

[mikeylo]

What if it's a stranger on an Internet forum and you can't physically help them?

 

All you can do is say a prayer

 

On a forum, we give support in the form of advice ( it is help ), words that are cheering and compassionate. The person responding is using their time to think and give advice after trying to understand and being in the posters shoes. There is some investment unlike people who lend an ear in RL and give ' will say a prayer ' line.

 

It's a mutual suppprt that is unbiased. No one knows anyone here but we invest. Makes sense ?

[carhill]

Example: A fellow hobbyist posted up they were in today for 20 days of in-patient cancer treatment so may be away for awhile. Along with others I offered support but privately did a bit of spiritual talk and put my flag out in their name. Hence, they'd never know if I 'prayed' for them or not. That's one instance and context. Billions of others exist. Would they feel patronized if expressed publicly? IDK, others did so. Everyone offers or responds in their own way.

[aileD]

Ok so don't tell people if I pray for them.

 

And I do give advice and pray too. And with the nature of this forum it's not like I'm praying "please make this woman wake up and stop cheating on her husband". It's more a "please help guide her to the choice that is best for her life and heart and self"

 

Just an example

[angel.eyes]

Why do some people tell you you're being patronizing or get offended when you tell them you will say a prayer for them?

 

Let's face it. You aren't going to please 100% of people, 100% of the time. No matter matter how well-meaning your intentions, there will always be someone who takes offense, misinterprets your intentions, dislikes you for whatever random, illogical reason, etc.

 

As long as you have good intentions, are generally treating people the way you would wish to be treated, are sensitive to the needs of others, and are contributing in some positive way to the lives of those around you, carry on. It's not worth the time and angst to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to please every random stranger you encounter.

[pureinheart]

I'm sure there are some that are extremely condescending and arrogant when saying they will either offer prayer or in letting the person know they will pray for them- to this group I say they do not understand what prayer actually is.

 

Prayer should never be entered into lightly for many reasons, it is a serious matter not to be taken lightly.

 

For those that say more practical means are better than prayer, I would disagree especially if it is an intercessor that has offered up the prayer. Intercessors move mountains, literally- it's on the same lines as 'give a man a fish and he's fed for a day; teach a man to fish and he's fed for a lifetime'.

[basil67]

Ok so don't tell people if I pray for them.

 

And I do give advice and pray too. And with the nature of this forum it's not like I'm praying "please make this woman wake up and stop cheating on her husband". It's more a "please help guide her to the choice that is best for her life and heart and self"

 

Just an example

 

OK, from an athiest point of view, this is a terrific example of being patronising. If you told me upfront that this is what you were praying for, I'd probably get snarky at you.

 

I am 100% responsible for my own decisions and the outcomes in my life. If you really want the best for me, you would encourage ME to make the best choice - not ask your God to help me make the best choice.

And yes, my life may not be in control. But that is due to my own stupidity and only I can get myself out of it.

 

As an athiest, personal responsibility is the crux of my belief system.

[todreaminblue]

I'm sure there are some that are extremely condescending and arrogant when saying they will either offer prayer or in letting the person know they will pray for them- to this group I say they do not understand what prayer actually is.

 

Prayer should never be entered into lightly for many reasons, it is a serious matter not to be taken lightly.

 

For those that say more practical means are better than prayer, I would disagree especially if it is an intercessor that has offered up the prayer. Intercessors move mountains, literally- it's on the same lines as 'give a man a fish and he's fed for a day; teach a man to fish and he's fed for a lifetime'.

 

 

i dont think practical is better than prayer......i think its the same thing.......we are asked to be gods hands on earth.......

 

1 Corinthians 12:27 ESV / 20 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful

 

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

 

we are asked to comfort the weary open our doors to the homeless......feed the hungry....comfort the sick....provide for the widow....we are meant to be like christ its why we are christian ...to be a light unto the world...we glorify god.......we glorify god by helping others.....offering our hands and feet....to do his work......practical in my opinion si just as important.....as prayer ..... when we have doneall we can do .....adn we cannot go further...we becoem prayer warriors for those we wish to help......an i do take prayer seriously...bu ti also talk to god informally as i would my father if i had one.....

 

 

i tell him how i feel or when i am happy or thankful or joyful or feeling funny i talk to him....god loves my bubbles...they normally turn to happy tears........but i get this really warm feeling when i am happy and i pray im not serious at all...im just happy..theres plenty of time for me to be serious..........and god loves it.....when i am happy....even though theres crap all around me.......i feel surrounded also by light and love and honestly it doesnt happen much lately...but today...right now...i am really ...happy...and i will pray ...that others can read it.....and feel happy too....no matter what situation they are in..and when i go down...ill come back on here read this and remember hey i was really bubbly......just a day ago.....and remember the light i felt..and how i almost just might make it through the storms.......with his help....my friends too......

 

love you pure in heart......xoxo...you are one of my faves.........deb

[basil67]

For those that say more practical means are better than prayer, I would disagree especially if it is an intercessor that has offered up the prayer. Intercessors move mountains, literally- it's on the same lines as 'give a man a fish and he's fed for a day; teach a man to fish and he's fed for a lifetime'.

 

I am ignorant about intercessors. How does an intercessor give practical (as in teaching how to fish) help to a person in need? Are they people who engage in teaching life skills or rehabilitation?

[pureinheart]

i dont think practical is better than prayer......i think its the same thing.......we are asked to be gods hands on earth.......

 

 

love you pure in heart......xoxo...you are one of my faves.........deb

 

Love you too and backatcha!

 

Possibly we will have to agree to disagree? I'm not sure this will come out the way I want it too, but here goes...

 

I don't see prayer and the practical as one in the same because I see prayer on a higher level and here's why.

 

I am fallible, VERY fallible and there have been many times in my life where I 'help' others to the point of being an enabler and had to pray myself out of those situations. I had to learn to pray before acting to make sure I was in Gods will concerning that individual... His will (and I know people DO NOT like to hear this) may be for that person to go through the fire for their own good... BTDT on both ends.

[pureinheart]

I am ignorant about intercessors. How does an intercessor give practical (as in teaching how to fish) help to a person in need? Are they people who engage in teaching life skills or rehabilitation?

 

What Is Intercessory Prayer? | CBN.com

 

Intercession is prayer that pleads with God for your needs and the needs of others. But it is also much more than that. Intercession involves taking hold of God's will and refusing to let go until His will comes to pass.

 

Intercession is warfare -- the key to God's battle plan for our lives. But the battleground is not of this earth. The Bible says, "We are not fighting against humans. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and spiritual powers in the heavens above" (Eph. 6:12).

 

My meaning of the fish quote is, certainly I can give food, money, etc., thats actually easy IMO... but if I pray for God to move in an individuals life concerning salvation (which is the ultimate 'fix') or a direct need, God can orchestrate the major change needed (if it is His will) to pull that person out of the particular need.

 

OP- I have to wonder if those who consider prayers/praying 'patronizing', if they really do want an end to their situation or if they are just angry people.. I can't ever remember anyone that was sincere telling me when I offered prayer that it was uncool... so far all have been grateful.

[todreaminblue]

Love you too and backatcha!

 

Possibly we will have to agree to disagree? I'm not sure this will come out the way I want it too, but here goes...

 

I don't see prayer and the practical as one in the same because I see prayer on a higher level and here's why.

 

I am fallible, VERY fallible and there have been many times in my life where I 'help' others to the point of being an enabler and had to pray myself out of those situations. I had to learn to pray before acting to make sure I was in Gods will concerning that individual... His will (and I know people DO NOT like to hear this) may be for that person to go through the fire for their own good... BTDT on both ends.

 

 

i see what you mean......i actually agree i can be an enabler too but i normally pray before i help someone...not a formal prayer either just god guixde me show me...simple words......and sometimes i get told no....like my son...give him food not money......or my next door neighbours kids came over tonight and asked for ten dollars for dinner......i thought i only had ten dollars left and so first i said no...and i heard a whisper in my heart say give...and i balked it was my last ten dollars...i just stared at them.........and i thought how am i going to feed my own kids.......thanks god ......and the kids were turning from the door they said oh....looked at their feet.......when i said i didnt have it......and i felt a sadness..and i said wait......and i gave them my last ten dollars....and i sat down at the computer and though ill see if i have five bucks left in my account....i went on my bank app...guess what...33 dollars......because uber money that was taken out of my account without my permission ...was returned......my next door neighbour often struggles she has seven or eight kids.........and she always pays me back......would it be christian of me ...to ignore the voice that told me to give my last ten dollars.....and pray for her and her family......i was told ...to give.....i didnt pray....i just listened......adn i gave ...my hand touched the oldest boys...he smiled..took th emoney.....said thankyou...and i said no worries.....even though...i actually was worried...part of me ....said no worries..and i sat down....and checked my account......

 

now i know why i am so damn happy....god loves me..deb

Edited April 6, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Ronni_W]

Why do some people tell you you're being patronizing or get offended when you tell them you will say a prayer for them?

 

I think it's nice that someone would think about you enough to say a prayer for your happiness or for help in solving s problem or peace or whatever

 

It makes me uncomfortable when people say they will pray for me.

I think it's best to ask people whether they would like us to pray for them or if it's okay to pray for them. If it's going to make the person uncomfortable, then that's not really "nice" at all. They don't need to give out reasons for why they don't want it; whatever it is, it's personal and private, as BC1980 said. Even if we have the greatest faith in our own ability to invoke the proper needed spiritual protection, healing, guidance and whatever else is in the person's own highest interest, that does not mean that it can be forced upon them; they still need to be at least somewhat open to receiving it in order to receive it.

 

Asking for such spiritual assistance for one's own self is not against the Will or Law of God - especially if we include a phrase along the lines of, "nevertheless, be it done unto me according to Thy Will and Thy Law".

Jesus prayed to his Father or God all the time, and not only for others.

[caveman621]

I am an atheist. But if someone says they will pray for me, that's fine. It means they are thinking of me. Just because I don't believe in God doesn't mean I have to be a jerk to someone who does.

 

BUT!!! Don't say you're going to pray for someone when you could take some concrete action to help.

 

Quick story - My girlfriend (also an atheist) has a friend who is very religious. This friend's husband was in California (we live in Virginia) and had a heart attack so the friend had to suddenly go to California for a long period. My girlfriend and another atheist friend went to the friend's house and took care of cats and dogs and alpacas. A lot of work! But they are her friends so they helped.

 

So the religious friend, on facebook, was "So thankful for the thoughts and prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ" from her church. Any thanks to the two atheist friends who were out there mucking alpaca stalls? NOPE!

 

Your thoughts and prayers are great! But how about some help?