Patronizing

[Thisguy21]

To me, saying "I'll pray for you" is the same thing as saying "I'll do nothing to help you through your situation"

 

Yeah, thanks for your prayers. I just spilled the beans to you, Im asking for your help! That's the best you can do? "I'll pray for you" ok well thanks for nothing!

[Ronni_W]

I am 100% responsible for my own decisions and the outcomes in my life. <snip>

As an athiest, personal responsibility is the crux of my belief system.

That is actually the crux of Jesus' message/teaching, as well. "Within" means 'personal'...as in, you don't need the outer rabbis, priests and pastors; just follow what you know in your heart to be good and proper for yourself and for others.

 

basil67, I know that's what you're saying...I'm in no way disagreeing with you. For me, it's more disagreeable when people think in terms of needing an external 'saviour' of some sort, or that they can harbour enmity, animosity, bitterness; hardness of heart and hostility of feelings...and 'some other guy' has already taken care of transmuting that for them and redeeming them. They don't feel a personal responsibility for healing their own stuff and coming to a place of love, understanding, tolerance of inner and outer differences and forgiveness. Or, in the words of 'the other guy', a place of meekness of heart and mind; of peaceful and non-violent thoughts and feelings.

[Justanaverageguy]

I think like a couple of other people mentioned it entirely depends on the context in which the prayer is offered. Often it is not what we do - but how we do it that triggers a reaction in people. The word "patronizing" is what jumps out most to me. Its an interesting word usually associated with false kindness and someone feeling superior to the other person.

 

So does the person you are offering to pray for actually consider themselves to have an issue that requires prayer in the first place ? This is an important question because if they don't then you randomly offering "to pray for them" would indeed come across quite condescending and as an act of judgement rather then one of assistance.

 

Next if the person has expressed to you that they are in a difficult situation and in need of assistance - do they feel the "prayer" is merely a token gesture offered by you to avoid actually assisting them in a more direct way ?

 

Those are the two things that jump out to me as possibilities.

Edited May 14, 2017 by Justanaverageguy

[SpiralOut]

 

And I do give advice and pray too. And with the nature of this forum it's not like I'm praying "please make this woman wake up and stop cheating on her husband". It's more a "please help guide her to the choice that is best for her life and heart and self"

 

 

Yikes. That definitely comes across as patronizing. It implies that the person isn't capable of making her own choices.

 

Also keep in mind that most athiests have dealt with aggressive Christians at some point, either the type who try and convert athiests/agnostics to Christianity or the type who just tell them they will go to hell. So when you tell someone you're praying for them, they may think that you're forcing your beliefs onto them. That's how I always felt when I was an agnostic. To me, "I'll pray for you" always sounded like "I know you don't believe in my religion, but I don't care. I will try to send God your way anyway because I think that you need him. I don't care if you want him or not."

Edited May 23, 2017 by SpiralOut

[Justanaverageguy]

Also keep in mind that most athiests have dealt with aggressive Christians at some point, either the type who try and convert athiests/agnostics to Christianity or the type who just tell them they will go to hell. So when you tell someone you're praying for them, they may think that you're forcing your beliefs onto them. That's how I always felt when I was an agnostic. To me, "I'll pray for you" always sounded like "I know you don't believe in my religion, but I don't care. I will try to send God your way anyway because I think that you need him. I don't care if you want him or not."

 

Yes this is a good point and something I have become keenly aware of when I talk to people across all walks of life. Everyone likes to be spoken to in their "own language". Not just the nationality - but the semantics of the words. This is the way they have personally made sense of the world - and the way they are most open to receiving and understanding a message. When we can speak to someone using their own words instead of trying to force them to use ours - then we can avoid confusion\misinterpretation.

 

God\prayer may be a wonderful idea for you personally - but not for someone else. They may not have the same understanding - they may see religion simply as the cause of unintelligent and aggressive behavior.

 

Thus when speaking to someone who you know is not spiritual - using different words - which fundamentally hold the same meaning can be very powerful. Saying something like I will be keeping you in my thoughts and be sending positive energy your way is acceptable to almost any person. If you truly are a spiritual person - christian or otherwise - then the most important thing about offering prayer/positive thoughts is the effect it has on the person. Thus learning to deliver your message in the most helpful way is at the end of the day the important thing.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Justanaverageguy

[GunslingerRoland]

To me, saying "I'll pray for you" is the same thing as saying "I'll do nothing to help you through your situation"

 

Yeah, thanks for your prayers. I just spilled the beans to you, Im asking for your help! That's the best you can do? "I'll pray for you" ok well thanks for nothing!

 

"My father is in surgery"

 

"I'll pray for you"

 

"So you'll do nothing"

 

"Ok, nm, I'll scrub up and try to do my best."

 

Whether praying for someone or just telling them you are sending positive thoughts their way, there are a lot of situations where you really are helpless.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why do some people tell you you're being patronizing or get offended when you tell them you will say a prayer for them?

 

I think it's nice that someone would think about you enough to say a prayer for your happiness or for help in solving s problem or peace or whatever

 

I honestly have never had anyone tell me i am patronizing them if i have told them i am praying for them. Even if they may not beleive in the power of prayer...I would hope that they would know my sincere concern for them.

 

Recently you shared some sad information and i told you i would be lifting up in prayer. I meant it sincerely...and i have prayed for you everyday.

[knabe]

I honestly have never had anyone tell me i am patronizing them if i have told them i am praying for them. Even if they may not beleive in the power of prayer...I would hope that they would know my sincere concern for them.

 

Recently you shared some sad information and i told you i would be lifting up in prayer. I meant it sincerely...and i have prayed for you everyday.

 

I went through some illnesws in the last year or so. I had quite a few people say they were praying for me. Several were NOT of the Judeo-Christian faith. That means they were praying to someone else.

 

You know what? I didn't care. When my friend of another religion took my hand and said, "I'm praying for you," I knedw that meant she cared about me and my well-being and wanted things to get better. She was showing care, even love, for me.

 

Why in the world would I have caller condescending, berated her for not being able to treat my illness, or taken that gesture as an opportunity to tell her how ridiculous her belifs are (not that I think that).

 

Doing any of those things would have said way more about me than about her. Full stop.

 

OP, if you are sincere when you pray for someone, there is nothing condescending about it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I went through some illnesws in the last year or so. I had quite a few people say they were praying for me. Several were NOT of the Judeo-Christian faith. That means they were praying to someone else.

 

You know what? I didn't care. When my friend of another religion took my hand and said, "I'm praying for you," I knedw that meant she cared about me and my well-being and wanted things to get better. She was showing care, even love, for me.

 

Why in the world would I have caller condescending, berated her for not being able to treat my illness, or taken that gesture as an opportunity to tell her how ridiculous her belifs are (not that I think that).

 

Doing any of those things would have said way more about me than about her. Full stop.

 

OP, if you are sincere when you pray for someone, there is nothing condescending about it.

 

Oh my gosh yes.. to me prayers are prayers... it is positive energy being raised on my behalf.. keep em coming! Lol

[somanymistakes]

For some people religion is a very sore spot to begin with, particularly if they have bad past experiences with their own religion being mocked and belittled by others, or with being cast out of the religious group they were raised in. Especially for people who were cast out for being gay or something, and the last thing they heard from their family/church was "we'll pray for you to change".

 

If you know that religion is a painful subject for someone then it would be polite to not tell them that you're praying for them. But if you don't know, then it's not your fault if you accidentally upset them. If they ask you to please not do that again, just try to remember and move on.

 

Other times, it may just be that the person is so upset because of the pain of the situation that they're currently in that they lash out at offers of help that don't feel helpful to them. The "what are your prayers going to do? nothing!" angry response. It's very hard to predict how a stranger is going to react to an offer of prayer when they're under intense personal pain. Do offer them your thoughts and care, but recognise that they may slap your hand away. Try not to get angry if they do. They're hurting.

[knabe]

For some people religion is a very sore spot to begin with, particularly if they have bad past experiences with their own religion being mocked and belittled by others, or with being cast out of the religious group they were raised in. Especially for people who were cast out for being gay or something, and the last thing they heard from their family/church was "we'll pray for you to change".

 

If you know that religion is a painful subject for someone then it would be polite to not tell them that you're praying for them. But if you don't know, then it's not your fault if you accidentally upset them. If they ask you to please not do that again, just try to remember and move on.

 

Other times, it may just be that the person is so upset because of the pain of the situation that they're currently in that they lash out at offers of help that don't feel helpful to them. The "what are your prayers going to do? nothing!" angry response. It's very hard to predict how a stranger is going to react to an offer of prayer when they're under intense personal pain. Do offer them your thoughts and care, but recognise that they may slap your hand away. Try not to get angry if they do. They're hurting.

 

The key phrase is IF YOU KNOW. There are a couple of things about me that not many people no. If they accidentally made a remark related to them I wouldn't wig out or lecture them or get offended. I would either shrug it off or calmly tell them I'm sensitive about X.

 

If I KNOW someone hates religion, I'll tell them I'm thinking of them or hope things turn out well. If I don't know and they tell me "Religion is kind of a trigger for me," I will apologize and not make the same mistake. If they get condescending and jerky about it, I'll walk away. And like I said, that will say more about them than me.

 

I'm sorry, but people are not psychic. I don't believe most people intentionally offend, so there's no need to be rude about it.