workplace EA

[ChrissyWissy]

Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):

(a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered

(b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens

© obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found

(d) I confront, she downplays, said she's helping him sort his marriage (she does not know I saw Whatsapp conversation, in fact to this day she has no idea what I know), she would never leave me (hmm), apparently workplace relationships never work, she says she has not been to his house

(e) second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)

(f) affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)

(g ) is now physical by definition but apparently not full sex (yet)

(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife

(i) do I confront again now (presenting of text evidence may seriously backfire with her, also some family court judges may take a dim view of this and deem it illegal) or wait for implosion/affair discovery by others (I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider)

 

thank you in advance

[Imajerk17]

First of all, I disagree with your title of this thread, it's wrong, this is NOT an EA, it is a full-blown physical affair.

 

Your approach just seems so so weak. Why are you half-heartedly confronting her a couple time already and then accepting her weak-ass excuses, while you have been just passively watching this affair grow for what looks like 3 months. She justified her hookup to OM by telling you "she's depressed"?? She isn't even really denying to you the affair anymore! That she is getting away with this is helping the affair along.

 

You have to take a more hardline action here bud, up to and including keeping the evidence you have of an affair and using that for filing for divorce. At the very least she sure as hell can't stay in her current job. Wake up!!!!

Edited April 4, 2017 by Imajerk17

[harrybrown]

Expose to the OM's wife, and to the workplace.

 

Expose to your wife's family.

 

Think of your child.

 

Exposure brings it all out in the open.

 

Do not wait.

 

She needs to leave her job and stop all contact with the POSOM.

 

Have her get tested for stds and tell her she can go live with the OM and his wife.

[Jersey born raised]

I saw one post on another board as well. Oddly all the sites I've seen the advice echoes each others for BS. There is variance in overall tone for the WS.

 

This site has several amazing threads. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. This link provides an excellent primer on the 180.

 

This link provides an excellent link for the WS to clarify their outlook: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

You need expose the adultery. One site offers a Plan A and Plan B methods. They rarely seem to work. Why ? No matter what exposure is a must but BS will avoid doing so. Understand to reconcile you must end the adultery ! Either through divorce or reconcioation but to reconcile the adultery must end!

 

Some topics I and others could add in depth but will not until you ask include:

 

To Save a Marrage you must be willing to end it.

 

Why exposure is a must and to who.

 

Trggers how to react to.

 

DARVO: what is it and how to respond. You really need to understand this concept.

 

Why your first step should be to familiarize yourself with divorce law where you. This is huge when combined with how to maximize custody.

[road]

Expose to the OM's wife, and to the workplace.

 

Expose to your wife's family.

 

Think of your child.

 

Exposure brings it all out in the open.

 

Do not wait.

 

She needs to leave her job and stop all contact with the POSOM.

 

Have her get tested for stds and tell her she can go live with the OM and his wife.

 

 

When exposing never ever tell your WW how you got proof. Other wise

you will lose all future intelligence.

[Jersey born raised]

Why back in the day I had a bud who never lied. He gave new meaning to the word blunt 24/7. Why? He never needed to remember a lie, black or white never need to be asked why you told A one thing me another. That former is why you never reveal your source and limit trickle truth (TT). Your WW does not know what others have said or seen, nor does she know who told who about the adultery.

 

It also help limit DARVO. Never speak in terms of absolutes. For example you know they met at a hotel. Ask, what if I told you the two of you met at (different but in same area) hotel on this date and time (different time and date). If she denies respond I am not saying you did or not I asked you what should I do if you did and what you should do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider

 

Then in this case, the advice you've been given rings even more true.

 

Two of my first three calls would to HR and his wife, evidence included. The third call would be to a lawyer to prepare a preliminary filing.

 

If you want to stop an affair dead in its tracks, drag it our from under the rock and into plain view. You'll be amazed at the results...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

My ww didn't stop until I filed for divorce. Then she 'suddenly realized'.

 

Forgiveness isn't something you should be to even thinking about right now. Not until the pain is gone.

[aliveagain]

I agree with harrybrown, expose the affair to O/M's wife immediately. Decide if your wife or her job is more important to you because if you want to reconcile your marriage they can not work together. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra, you need to emotionally distance yourself from your wife so you think strait. The "180" is designed to help you do just that. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, protect your 7 year old daughter, protect your finances. Don't wait on her to decide between you and her boyfriend, your the one that got dumped at the Christmas party, she's already shown you her preference. Stop competing with the O/M for her attention because you can't win against a fantasy.

 

Your first step is to get yourself out of infidelity, expose, expose, expose. Exposure is still the best way to end an affair. This is a full physical affair and you are at risk. STD's can be spread by saliva or by simple finger insertion. Two things I know about infidelity, it's always worse then they tell you and you can't nice them back. Time to get tough and demand her fidelity. If she can't give you that then it's better you know now rather then wasting years of your life on someone that doesn't deserve you. Start by telling the other mans wife. He knows what a divorce will cost him, when his wife is through with him there will be very little for your wife to build a nest with so she will be coming to you for that. Do not finance her affair, shut it down.

[usa1ah]

Have a hard time believing the post.