OW who contacts the BS

[merrmeade]

Here is what her message said:

 

...I have told my H as well, he knows; our family is too, feeling the consequences of my part in this terrible situation. I won't contact you again, I don't wish to cause any further pain. I am so sorry *als*.

 

I became emotional immediately. I really appreciated the words, and I feel like they are sincere. That said, the fact that I became so upset just hearing from her, brought so many old wounds to the surface that I've been on edge all day. I am trying to rationalize that she is no worse that who I became when faced with the same situation. It helps a little to know that, like me, she's only human, but I also can't help but feel angry that if she hadn't come along so much in the last 3+ years may not have happened and my family could have been spared a lot of pain and heartbreak.

I've decided that I feel better that she has apologized, but I will not respond or even acknowledge to her that I saw the message. I asked my H if he had heard from her at all recently and he said no. And he asked me why....so I told him that I got a msg from her apologizing for her part in everything. He just said "ok" which is about what I expected. My mom and best friend have been helping me with letting it go.

 

Anyways - we are now at almost 9 months with NC on my part with my OM, it's still hard some days, but I'm glad we are where we are today.

... yesterday I got another message from her after not responding to her first, giving details about times they have been together and how they were planning to leave their spouses for each other.

 

My husband admitted to one instance but says she is lying about the others.

 

My question is for the OW out there. Why would you contact a BS 4 years after the fact to "apologize" and to tell them everything that happened because "they deserved to know" Is it to relieve your own guilt, to stir the pot, the see where the AP is in the relationship?

 

I am having a very difficult time with the new information....for background - my husband cheated, asked for a divorce, and then wanted to work things out. And then I had a revenge affair.

Sadly, I think the last statement in bold is why she did it. I think she would be glad to know that you are "having a very difficult time with the new information" and that she should, therefore, not know that. Probably she wants to make you suffer.

 

I also think I understand why you're asking - because her first letter seemed so sincere. I thought so, too. At the same time, I don't think the cruelty of the information (and, yes, it was very cruel to spell out details for you that you did not request) changes that. The extreme dichotomy of the two letters simply shows that she's still having issues and is going in this twisted direction to deal with them.

 

So you do want to be able to ignore her - and you did. But she doesn't know why and, perhaps, feels rejection after her expansive apology to you. Whatever the reason, it's still extremely hurtful to you.

 

Therefore, what I would do is to (a) block the possibility of contact from her in every way possible, (b) send her a no-contact letter of your own* and © return her letters to sender if she writes you again.

 

In the no-contact letter, I would be sincere, clear but succinct. I'd tell her that you had appreciated her first letter and thought that was a very positive thing for her to do but wish she'd left it at that. You do not understand her second letter - nor do you need to. Tell her that in order for everyone to heal, it is imperative that there be no further contact between you. You will be blocking the possibility of receiving messages from her in the future. If you discover she has tried to contact you in some new way, you will stop reading immediately and take further steps. You don't expect that this should be necessary, but you are prepared to take legal steps if she does not honor your request.

 

Then I would turn all my attention on getting relief from my husband and insist that he take a lie detector test. You can say that you were disturbed by the information you received from OW and this is the only way you will find peace.

 

You will get an answer. I wish you the very best outcome.

[merrmeade]

For most affair partners the betrayed spouse is an abstract human, someone that is compartmentalized and off to the side, a blank canvas that is painted with assumptions and one sided hearsay by their lover. She only knows you through that lens and her apology seems to have backfired when you did not respond to the initial apology and her true agenda came through when she contacted you with details you did not request.

It's no longer her business and hopefully she'll heal and move on. It's not her business anymore to insert herself in your life. It's your life and you have the right to privacy and do what's best for you.

Yes, that was an unexpected discovery that cleared up all my obsessive brooding about the OW - realizing that they really did not know me at all or want to know or respect me. This was harder in my case because I "knew" them or thought I did. It's very important to understand that you're not a flesh and blood individual that they worry about. Furious says it eloquently and humanizes the OW realistically. It doesn't entirely explain why she wrote the second message, but I think it's as good as you can get. No one really can know - not even OW probably. She's messed up is probably close enough - and that's sad.

[wmacbride]

It isn't always that the XWS has been in contact with the XOW. Sometimes people just cannot deal with the end of a relationship and it becomes almost obsessive. The OW in our case kept on trying to initiate contact, each time H told me, each time we ignored, e moved home, we changed telephone numbers, we went ex directory and still she found us, her job gave her access to our phone numbers, we found that out almost 5 years into the stalking.

 

I would pick the phone up and either get silence, heavy breathing or a torrent of abuse, it seemed never ending. H just got the silent calls, her anger was all directed at me. I did nothing about it as I felt sorry for her, then she started ringing my son and the gloves came off. I involved the Police, my son is a policeman and told me what I had to do. I didn't want to, I did not agree to her getting charged but it had to stop, she needed help, we needed peace. It has been 3 years now and we have had no contact. Thank God. I hope she has found the peace and closure she needed.

 

OP, the problem belong to you and your H and it is up to you both to decide on a plan of action. Please don't let it continue as I did, it is intrusive, it is pain in the arse and it is intended to create waves, don't let it. x

 

It's easier for her to blame you than it is for her to blame herself for her own pain.

I don't understand that. My spouse's ex-ow is very similar in that she blames me for her hurt feelings. If she'd take responsibility for herself, she could make better choices and not get hurt anymore. I think some people just never learn how. To them, everything will always be someone else's fault.