How exactly do you put yourself out there and overcome social anxiety?

[ScarletSpider]

So I am a 19 year old teen in my first year of uni. So far, I haven't very social. I do have friends but I don't see them that often because I am hugely introverted. In fact, just know I saw some of them eating out in a large group and instead of joining them, I went upstairs to my room due to my social anxiety. How can I overcome this? I see some upper years who are usually alone and I don't want to be like that.

[d0nnivain]

Unless you have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, skip the labels like "social anxiety." Giving yourself a daunting label like that makes it hard to move forward. You are simply shy. Newsflash: so is everyone else.

 

 

College is the best place to meet people. You don't have to be the life of the party or some kind of stand up comedian to have friends.

 

 

Do you have a roommate? Can you go out with that person?

 

 

Do you have dorm mates across the hall? Try saying hello to them.

 

 

The kids you passed up in favor of hiding in your room, they are just as anxious as you are to make new friends. Granted the end of Spring semester is harder to break into social circles then the beginning of Fall semester when nobody knows anybody but college is still a huge open place to meet new people.

 

 

What are your interests? Join a club on campus that focuses on something you care about.

 

 

Ask a kid in your class to study.

 

 

At the very least try to smile & say hi -- nothing else -- just hi to one new person every day.

[preraph]

I'll start by giving you at tip for college that someone gave me, and that is look around and decide who you might want to be friends with and simply introduce yourself or talk casually to them first because whoever you first talk to in a group of newcomers will usually end up being your group. So don't end up talking to someone totally unsuited and shoot for the one or ones who look interesting to you. College is a time it's easy to make friends, especially if you live on campus and just smile.

 

Bringing me to my second tip, and that is to just look up and smile when you pass anyone that looks nice or friendly. Anyone can do that and it makes you approachable and someone will start saying hi and eventually befriend you. It's that simple.

 

I was introverted AND defensive when i started college, but I managed to make friends. My social anxiety is only mild though. I only became that way through bullying. And my instinct was to make myself unapproachable in defense. I had had a socially outgoing period before the bullying. You can overcome those things, and you need to. It's all up to you. You must never accept that you have no power over it. You have all the power over it. Certainly it's normal for all of us to have some social anxiety in certain situations. For example, I can't stand to have to make a speech by myself, but if I'm just part of a speaking panel, I never had an issue. I still hate situations where I'd be at a party with people I don't know at least a good number of. I feel like a wallflower going to something like that alone, but if I had a friend with me, I'd be fine, or if I just knew a couple people there, but I can't stand feeling like I'm just standing there with no one to talk to and wouldn't like to just go interrupt a group.

 

So none of us are all comfortable socially all the time. But work on what you can. It will pay off for you. You need friends and need to be able to socialize for work and networking. In school, try to find small groups that get together for academic or sports or other reasons, like a math club, where you'll see the same group repeatedly and get to know each other. Good luck.

[ScarletSpider]

How do you gt the courage to just go up and talk to people? Like I see people around with similar interest who I could have conversations with but I find myself just walking forward and not talking at all.

[preraph]

You pick the right person, and go comment on something they're wearing or carrying or whatever. Like I met my best college friend in the hall in the dorm. Some people were sitting on the steps inside and she came walking up in cowboy boots. I told her I liked her boots and we began talking about horses and ended up roommates during and after college for some time.

 

If you see someone with a t-shirt you like, comment on the shirt. If you like someone's hair, ask them if they get their hair done around here. Talk to someone in class before or after class begins. Try to remember that pretty much everyone else is also feeling awkward and also needing to meet people, and will usually just be grateful anyone talked to them. You can ask someone where a building is or whatever, but it's best to connect through something you may have in common. If you just try to look open and approachable by looking up and smiling, eventually someone will begin to recognize you.

 

You yourself could wear something that someone might comment on, like you could get one of those inverse braids and people will often comment on something kind of unusual like that. Wear a t-shirt sometimes (not all the time - dress up a little sometimes) that has a special interest of yours on it or just something cute and weird. Like me and my sister like Disco the Parakeet who has a bunch of real funny YouTubes and they sell t-shirts for him. A great idea to get a guy to talk to you is get yourself a Grand Tour t-shirt, which is the redo of Top Gear, the car show, and is a very popular show both men and women like. I'm sure you have your favorites. So think about wearing something people can comment on if they're looking for an excuse to be sociable. Big earrings, long necklace, amazing shoes.

 

Just always think about making yourself approachable and looking for anything to strike up a conversation with a stranger about. If you're behind them in line or something, just comment on the surroundings.

[SpiralOut]

How do you gt the courage to just go up and talk to people? Like I see people around with similar interest who I could have conversations with but I find myself just walking forward and not talking at all.

 

Remind yourself that you don't want to end up alone. What's worse: potentially embarrassing yourself, or not making any friends? That's how I looked at it when I was in uni, and I was/am ridiculously shy.

 

Give yourself a goal: approach 2 (or more) people every week. The more you do it, the more comfortable you'll become. Think up a question to ask or a comment to make ahead of time so you're not left standing there awkwardly not knowing what to say. Personally, I find it easier to keep the first interactions short and gradually lengthen the next interactions as I feel more comfortable around the person.

[rushed]

How do you gt the courage to just go up and talk to people? Like I see people around with similar interest who I could have conversations with but I find myself just walking forward and not talking at all.

 

A great trick is to ask people for help.

 

"I heard you talking about a club that has a Prince theme once a month! Where and when is it?" (Haha, I actually said this to a lady at Starbucks yesterday when I heard her telling another customer about it.

 

"Do you know what books we need for such-and-such class? How much was it? (insert personal comment here. i.e. "OMG, for that much money I can buy a used car!)"

 

"That sandwich looks delicious! What kind is it/Where did you get it?"

 

"(If they're in workout attire) Did you just come from the gym? I'm thinking about joining one. Which one do you go to and do you like it?"

 

People love helping, especially when it makes them look informative. All the above can lead to more conversation. Or follow-ups for another day. ("I tried that sandwich I saw you eating the other day. That place has great cookies, too! Thanks for that suggestion." "I joined that gym you told me about. When do you go? Maybe I'll see you there some time.")

 

I know it's hard. I get anxiety, too. But little tricks like this help a lot.

[ScarletSpider]

The thing is, there are people who try to reach out to me and I do respond but not as much, so I don't hang out with them to much. Should I explain to them what is the issue?

[preraph]

No. You should stop letting it be an issue. You can't get better if you don't make yourself get out of your comfort zone.

[d0nnivain]

How do you gt the courage to just go up and talk to people? Like I see people around with similar interest who I could have conversations with but I find myself just walking forward and not talking at all.

 

It's hard . . . at first. Start small Just say hi. Sometimes if you can be brave enough to break the ice, then the other person will carry the conversation.

 

 

When people reach out to you, be open to it. Don't explain your fears to them.

 

 

It's a fake it 'til you make it is a good option here. Act like you are confident. One day you actually will be.

[No_Go]

I was very intimidated from large groups when I was in college. The way to overcome it was to make some friends with othe 'antisocial' people Just look around you: there will be people in your classes that socialize less - they'll be very happy if you go talk to them, and some of them can become good friends (even if they don't - it is a good training to talk to people).

 

On another note: I don't understand why is so 'trendy' to be extroverted. Now that I'm older I'm not intimidated by groups, but I still do not enjoy group settings - I prefer in depth one-on-one conversations over banter in a group. If that's your style - own it! It makes who you are and as long as it is not a debilitating anxiety but just preference - I really can't find anything wrong with it.

 

 

So I am a 19 year old teen in my first year of uni. So far, I haven't very social. I do have friends but I don't see them that often because I am hugely introverted. In fact, just know I saw some of them eating out in a large group and instead of joining them, I went upstairs to my room due to my social anxiety. How can I overcome this? I see some upper years who are usually alone and I don't want to be like that.

[Justyaaveraggurl]

I can certainly relate to how you are feeling. Looks like you are getting a lot of great ideas on how to start conversations and approach people, but like you said where do you find that inner courage to initiate. Unfortunately that is not always something we can just muster up within ourselves. I would not go so far as to self-diagnose your self as having social anxiety. That may not be the case. It could be something along the lines of low-esteem. It was always difficult for me to make friends because on the inside, i felt I was not interesting enough or likeable. It was more my own low self-esteem that made initiating difficult, and that created negatives thoughts for how they would respond. The truth of the matter is this, the more good we feel about who we are as person on the inside, the more willing we are to share ourselves with others. I would love here your thoughts on this...

[ScarletSpider]

Ok, I managed to hang out with my friend and was introduced to his group of friends, it was alright. However, his group is already established, so how do I not shoehorn or groundhog my way into it though?

[Bejangled]

S...How can I overcome this?

 

Hi ScarletSpider

 

First things first...ye know....it's really okay to be shy and feel a little awkward in new situations. I'll just say that again....it's okay....and you're okay.

 

There's nothing weird, odd, peculiar, strange, bad, dumb, freaky...(please ad as many adjectives as possible here ) about feeling a little off when trying to step out there and meet new people in new situations. Happens to us all!

 

So, what to do?

 

First, fully accept that you're feeling uncomfortably shy right now. Take a moment to sit down with a pen and paper (or online journal) and write all the ways in which you feel shy and anxious. Don't judge it or pass any comment about how that makes you 'bad etc. Simply write down how you truly feel. Investigate the way your body feels, what runs through your head and lastly, how you feel emotionally. This honesty is important. It's the first step in stopping you from running away from addressing the 'feelings' around your social shyness. It makes you stand still in order to acknowledge that (a) it's real and (b) it deserves your full care, sympathy, interest and loving attention. It deserves your time....and then your surrender to its own healing process.

 

Secondly, before you can tackle the issues you have written above, find real simple ways (the simpler, the better) to support the other more relaxed and confident aspects of yourself. Are you in your full power when you talk about a favourite subject (Harry Potter, Star Wars, a particular band, sport)? Find your comfort zones and expand on them. Why? When you have confidence talking about something like 'Game of Thrones' for example, you can use the actual information of the subject to pad out any awkward silences in a conversation. Perhaps you can begin by seeing if there is a local group who likes to chat about your favourite subject.

 

If not? Why not start a social media college page about it. You can begin online and as your confidence builds, you can arrange a coffee meet-up. That way you can be certain that you have a comfortable buffer between you and other people. A friend of mine was in a similar situation to you and she carried around a popular novel at the time (can't remember which one) and read it alone in front of people. On a few occasions, people approached her to start a conversation about her book. See what I mean?

 

Lastly, try to remember that you are in college to study and master subjects which you previously didn't fully grasp. One of the most important subjects in this period of your life are......social skills. Treat it like your other classes. It's something you are beginning to learn about. You are learning, just like everyone else. Read books and blogs and on how to develop your new skills. Treat it as a new adventure. An adventure where you learn how to master good social skills over a steady and unhurried period of time. Treat it as just another class that deserves a good grade for consistent and dedicated study

 

P.s. In all of this, do try to have fun. While you're finding your feet in college, make time to read funny autobiographies, watch funny documentaries....surround yourself with humour. Focus less on 'phobias' and more on light-hearted wit and wisdom. This will put you in the right frame of mind to relax and realise that, in the end, we're all just trying to have a good and happy life.

 

I wish you the best of luck and I hope your college years are wonderful.

[todreaminblue]

approaching large groups is hard ....actually a nightmare for me i get more than social anxiety...i get mind numbing fear ...ptsd...public humiliation......especially cliquey ones....i would look for small groups particularly three......why three ..because normally in groups of three another persons input is often appreciated..... or i will scan for newbies......people who look as uncomfortable as i feel on the inside.....and ill approach..i sound like a huge kid ......because i just say hello my name is deb ....and i ask for their name...

 

 

im a good conversationalist so ill start off normally......just simple honest truisms....people will be interested in you if you are interested in them ...its just fact...at school i was the girl they sat newbies near because i would always make them feel good.....and making others feel welcome makes you sort of feel welcome yourself.....so maybe scout for people....large groups dotn need me int he mix....but the person standing by themselves they need me......try to find new people .....people who look a little lonely and make them feel nto so lonely and your loneliness will go too..find the awkward make them feel less so ...and surprisingly or not so surprisingly you wont feel so awkward anymore either......i twill also help you with approaching those larger groups if thats what you want to do ....i prefer my focus on one person anyway.......large groups can be overwhelming.....theres this in oz called toast masters .....where you give speeches and stand up thats also a confidence booster.....join groups they have on campus that you are interested in and go from there.......its always easier to approach smaller groups...and im not a fan of cliques....in fact..actively against them.....they tend to exclude and that aint me.........deb

[LotusAvx]

i just finished my first year and didn't make 1 lasting friend. it's hard. i feel really upset and embarrassed that i haven't. it's difficult to find where you belong, especially being an introvert. i just tell myself i haven't found my place yet, but i will. it's weird because college is where that is supposed to happen, and it didn't for me.

good lucl

[ScarletSpider]

Ok something just happened. A friend who I made here, was drunk and came over to my dorm room in order to chat with me to a bit. He was having a get together with people in his room and they were all drinking and stuff, so I bothered, hey, why not join them for a little socializing,( I don't drink though), but he stopped me short and was like, there is no spot for me there unless I drink. I politely declined and he went back to his room. Now, when not drunk, he's hung out with me before and all that, so what should I make of this situation?

[carhill]

You just don't drink alcohol. Next time try a different tactic and have a virgin whatever in your hand and no worries. I often did/do this when DD (designated driver) at group stuff.

 

I had the same problem as you apparently have and got over it by volunteering and accepting a few public speaking gigs as part of that. Scared me to death in the beginning but gradually it worked out. The key was being passionate about the pursuits. I think the first one was running for a board position at a local financial institution where I had to speak in front of the members (it was a credit union). Yikes.

 

Anyway, you're still young so don't worry about it. Try different stuff and no rush. It'll come.

 

Lastly, nothing wrong with being alone. Get comfortable with yourself. One thing a long life has taught is we don't have control over anyone but ourselves. People come and go. Partners leave or die. Stuff happens and alone can be part of that. Once you learn your style of putting yourself out there you'll never forget it. It's like breathing.

[bluefeather]

Ever tried befriending someone who also has social anxiety?

[ScarletSpider]

You just don't drink alcohol. Next time try a different tactic and have a virgin whatever in your hand and no worries. I often did/do this when DD (designated driver) at group stuff.

 

I had the same problem as you apparently have and got over it by volunteering and accepting a few public speaking gigs as part of that. Scared me to death in the beginning but gradually it worked out. The key was being passionate about the pursuits. I think the first one was running for a board position at a local financial institution where I had to speak in front of the members (it was a credit union). Yikes.

 

Anyway, you're still young so don't worry about it. Try different stuff and no rush. It'll come.

 

 

Lastly, nothing wrong with being alone. Get comfortable with yourself. One thing a long life has taught is we don't have control over anyone but ourselves. People come and go. Partners leave or die. Stuff happens and alone can be part of that. Once you learn your style of putting yourself out there you'll never forget it. It's like breathing.

 

I meant, what should I make of this friend? He still refers to me as his buddy though

[ScarletSpider]

I really do have a shyness issue. I saw a friend of mine sitting with their other friends but instead of joining them, I sat alone. What's wrong with me?